Civil Servant partner vetoing my voluntary work with Refugees - AIBU??

[whenthetimecomes]

Help! Very frustrated at moment as I am keen to get back to work after 7 years as a SAHM, and have finally found a part time voluntary role which totally inspires me and fits with my former skills and experience - It's teaching English to a small group of refugee families (from a troubled region much in the news) recently accepted here by local council.

Not only do I believe in this work for its own sake but it could also be a good thing (IMO) on my cv, as a stepping stone to a possible paid job in future after years of feeling deskilled stuck at home with a child. ( I'm also in my 50s so it's harder to get paid work at my age, but I think I could excel in this area). But regardless of this possible personal benefit, I want to do this anyway as I think it's very worthwhile work and want to help, because I can. I've worked with refugees long ago and also speak some of their language; IMO, I'm uniquely placed and well qualified as a teacher to help. Those who want me to join their team think so too.

Now - Partner has found out that I'm about to start the teaching (it's only 2 hours per week!!) and has totally vetoed it!! 'It's not safe for you as you have a family and it will have a negative effect on my work. It will be an obstacle to my future chance of promotion as it will be obvious that I have associated with someone who has had contact with undesirable people; it will bring danger and risk to us as a family - blah blah blah'.....

What does he do for a living? No, it's not MI6 or Special Forces - he's a minor civil servant in a very innocuous provincial department that has zero to do with military or security.

Now he's taking the Christian (!) approach: 'It says in the Bible that wives have to obey their husbands...'

I've told him that, if he can give me indisputable, objective, hard evidence from his workplace (eg human resources) IF - that his wife's offering 2 hrs per week of unpaid charitable teaching to refugees (who are 100% legally here and have obviously been previously screened by the UN and UK government before entry to the UK ) - if this will indeed bring his work into disrepute, and bring risk and danger upon the whole family .... only then will I reconsider this volunteering opportunity.

Responses from any other civil servants please would be particularly helpful here ! - to help me judge if there is any substance at all in what he's saying. He says things like this: 'I work for the Queen' (no he doesn't, she's just the ultimate boss of the Civil Service); 'I have to be above reproach in whoever I or my family associate with' - ??? He's just assumed these poor people are terrorists who will want to follow me home in order to murder us!

I think he's paranoid; but is it true that civil servants and even their families have to avoid helping victims of war, or any contact with them, just because they happen to be Muslims?

Civil servants and Muslims, please please give me your thoughts on this.

Thank you

And yes to getting out of this relationship. It sounds stifling at best.

In a rush, so no time right now to thank each individual poster for kind helpful words, you all get exactly where I'm coming from. Particularly touched by sparechange's kind offer (maybe if it came to that I might PM you one day....) Did any one see on the news last night, Lise Doucet reporting from Canada on how well Syrian refugees are being helped to settle in over there? And I mentioned to DC that Steve Jobs was actually half-Syrian (adopted by a blue collar US couple as a baby). So perhaps they are humans! ;)

Situation not yet discussed any further with DP, but this should happen later tonight. I'm standing my ground. I'll be back.

Do you have access to family money, or is he financially abusive too? Can you squirrel funds away?

No no no to ringing the H's HR. It's not up to Op to find information to seek to disprove her H's totally irrational thoughts. And it will anger her abusive H.

Sorry about the long gap, things got very hectic for a few days. Here's an update for anyone who's kindly taken an interest:

• well, DP did admit he'd asked his HR dept, who had (apparently) given a rather lukewarm 'OK' to my undertaking this work. He said that the relevant person was away, but that the info would be passed on and that there 'didn't seem to be any problem'... (no surprises there to some of us...). The next day when I asked him again - (as he wasn't volunteering any of this info to me!) - he conceded that the response was, yes, they HAD confirmed it would be fine, his work does indeed have no issues with this(!!) - He wouldn't be drawn on whether they had actually approved my doing this, in any positive way!! He himself is still pretty cat's-bum-face about it all, and is clearly not happy that I'm doing it, but now realises he can't stop me as I have stood my ground and challenged him on his claims. (No acknowledgement of course that he was in fact wrong - far too much to hope for, there!) BTW Dozer LTB not an immediately practical or simple choice, for all the usual £££ reasons....( maybe one day further down the line....).

So a day or two ago I did actually go along to meet the team and a few of the Syrian families. It was a very inspiring morning. As I expected the other team members (befrienders, teachers etc) were great - the kind of people I don't usually get to meet enough of locally. Just a few Syrians came but they were very gentle, warm people who are clearly massively grateful for the help they are getting, and just grateful for what they have been offered here. They have been housed in a not-great area locally, in small flats with no gardens - which one lady said wasn't too easy for her toddler and 7 y.o. child. But they were glad that so far people had been quite friendly to them locally and they hadn't had any aggro yet re: their headscarves etc. They are missing their parents from whom they are currently separated: hard for them, as they seem to have very much an extended family culture. I took along some of DC's outgrown toys for which they were sincerely grateful., and spent a couple of hours chatting/finding out about them etc. The team has wholeheartedly welcomed me on board So it's official, I'll be going along for a few hours each week to help with the teaching - YESSSS!

One thing I have to share - which touched me so much - just before I left, one lady's little 3 year old girl came up to me, smiled, waved and then - without any prompting - grabbed my hand and kissed the palm - So moving! Why can't everyone be like these children?! ( - before getting too sentimental, I have to say I DO know that children can be awful too... but so innocent).

So a heartfelt thank you to all who've supported me and helped me have the courage to stand my ground here. I'm not sure I could have done it without you all

As a Christian minister I have to say I would invite your other half to read ALL the texts in the bible about welcoming the stranger and ALL the texts about Jesus getting disapproved of for hanging out with the 'wrong' people. The idea that it's your Christian obligation to submit to his unchristian views is - to put it politely- utterly ridiculous. Follow your heart and do what makes you blossom

I have been teaching my mother tongue to refugees for the last 12 years. In my country this is a paid job done by civil servants, i.e. qualified teachers who have a extra degree to work with refugees.
I really can't see how your voluntary work can harm your partner's job.
I would say: Go for it! It is an incredibly rewarding job to do!

I'm a civil servant, and I volunteer for the police and crime commissioner as a custody visitor. That requires me to visit actual criminals in custody to check they are being looked after properly. My employer encourages this and holds it as a good example of community involvement. You are the partner of a civil servant suggesting that you help people to learn English skills to integrate into the community after fleeing war. These refugees may or may not have committed crimes. How can your partner worry that his wife will damage his career prospects by associating with innocent people, when the civil service looks favourably on an actual civil servant associating with actual convicted criminals? Pure nonsense. He sounds very controlling.

I'm so pleased to read your update whenthetimecomes. It really does sound rewarding and the story about the little girl is so lovely. Long may it continue :)

Great that you have found your first session so rewarding - long may it continue.

Thanks for kind comments (particularly to lulu for that relevant and example of your own voluntary work - good on you for taking on something so challenging but so worthwhile. Those you help must be so glad that someone like you is concerned about them regardless!) Yes, what kind of society would we be living in if everyone only looked out for the safety of themselves and their own immediate family? Such insularity is stifling and uninspiring, and (as several posters have commented) totally 'unChristian'.

TBH I think DP is, deep down, just a scared person and probably (like many such) has been trying to use arguments that appear rational (for about a millisecond!) to defend himself from imagined enemies. A lack of joined-up thinking plus an ingrained habit of profound mistrust of others, created this outlook - a lot to do with upbringing too, I think.

Well done.

On the HR point, it isn't for HR to approve or not. As I said, the only issue that might come up in some v limited circs would be the possibility if a conceived conflict of interest and then disclosure is the rule.

Provision of warmth, friendliness and yes human understanding so important. Well done again.

• perceived not conceived

Thanks Orlanda

The objectivity (and unanimity) of the advice I've received here throughout has been overwhelmingly reassuring. More helpful than you can imagine to someone who'd otherwise be effectively isolated as a SAHM.

Thank heaven for the internet and Mumsnet.

Well done, OP.

Keep in mind how he was and what he had done to you in the past in your planning, though.