Civil Servant partner vetoing my voluntary work with Refugees - AIBU??

[whenthetimecomes]

Help! Very frustrated at moment as I am keen to get back to work after 7 years as a SAHM, and have finally found a part time voluntary role which totally inspires me and fits with my former skills and experience - It's teaching English to a small group of refugee families (from a troubled region much in the news) recently accepted here by local council.

Not only do I believe in this work for its own sake but it could also be a good thing (IMO) on my cv, as a stepping stone to a possible paid job in future after years of feeling deskilled stuck at home with a child. ( I'm also in my 50s so it's harder to get paid work at my age, but I think I could excel in this area). But regardless of this possible personal benefit, I want to do this anyway as I think it's very worthwhile work and want to help, because I can. I've worked with refugees long ago and also speak some of their language; IMO, I'm uniquely placed and well qualified as a teacher to help. Those who want me to join their team think so too.

Now - Partner has found out that I'm about to start the teaching (it's only 2 hours per week!!) and has totally vetoed it!! 'It's not safe for you as you have a family and it will have a negative effect on my work. It will be an obstacle to my future chance of promotion as it will be obvious that I have associated with someone who has had contact with undesirable people; it will bring danger and risk to us as a family - blah blah blah'.....

What does he do for a living? No, it's not MI6 or Special Forces - he's a minor civil servant in a very innocuous provincial department that has zero to do with military or security.

Now he's taking the Christian (!) approach: 'It says in the Bible that wives have to obey their husbands...'

I've told him that, if he can give me indisputable, objective, hard evidence from his workplace (eg human resources) IF - that his wife's offering 2 hrs per week of unpaid charitable teaching to refugees (who are 100% legally here and have obviously been previously screened by the UN and UK government before entry to the UK ) - if this will indeed bring his work into disrepute, and bring risk and danger upon the whole family .... only then will I reconsider this volunteering opportunity.

Responses from any other civil servants please would be particularly helpful here ! - to help me judge if there is any substance at all in what he's saying. He says things like this: 'I work for the Queen' (no he doesn't, she's just the ultimate boss of the Civil Service); 'I have to be above reproach in whoever I or my family associate with' - ??? He's just assumed these poor people are terrorists who will want to follow me home in order to murder us!

I think he's paranoid; but is it true that civil servants and even their families have to avoid helping victims of war, or any contact with them, just because they happen to be Muslims?

Civil servants and Muslims, please please give me your thoughts on this.

I have friends who are civil servants. One has actually stood for election as a county councillor (after getting it okay-ed by her boss, obviously), the other uses his annual leave to help out in the refugee camp in Calais. As one of their bosses put it (in connection with going on an anti-war demo) "So long as you don't wear a t-shirt saying 'I'm here on behalf of govt dept X' then there's no problem with it."

Agree with others upthread who say your real issue is not whether he's telling the truth saying it would impact his career (it clearly would not), but that he wants to control your actions. Re. being in prison - try giving yourself time off for good behaviour. You might even realise you are eligible for parole and early release .

Another civil servant here. Volunteer work is considered a plus rather than a negative where I am (unless something which may impact your impartiality). So unless he's a border control officer or in the home office, can't see a reason why HE couldn't do it.

Obviously you can do whatever you like.

He sounds abusive: controlling.

This is so encouraging, thanks you all so much for your support; I have been feeling so very down that something that seems so simply right to do has suddenly become such an upsetting battleground in this home.

It's so helpful too to have those of you who are serving civil servants give a sensible commonsense take on this too. Common sense seems to have gone out of the window here.

Our Dc(12) is listening and watching all the arguments with great interest by the way.

Your child should not be reading this.

No don't worry, he's out of the house! I'd never let him read this.

I think KatieScarlett is exactly right:
It's not about what you want to do. It's about you doing it at all.
Don't waste too much energy on trying to respond to his arguments because they're about controlling you, not about logic.
If he's disproportionately paranoid and anxious perhaps you can suggest he makes an appointment with his GP.
If he is religious (which I find surprising since most churches are very active in supporting refugees) then you might find the book 'Boundaries' helpful. It's about establishing healthy boundaries and includes a religious context which completely demolishes his 'you're my wife and must do as I say' approach to theology.

I'm a senior civil servant and echo what everyone here has said. Volunteering is very much encouraged. When I was younger and hand more time (!) I volunteered with lots of people your husband would have considered disreputable, including offenders.

He's using this as excuse to control you.

If he's in any further doubt, you might want to show him this blog by Sir Jeremy Heywood, head of the civil service.

civilservice.blog.gov.uk/2015/06/02/giving-something-back/

He sounds insufferable. How do you put up with him?

You do know it's never too late to leave and have a happy, satisfying independant life, dont you?

This is a horrible, racist, controlling, stupid man.

The very idea that the queen wpuld not want the spouses of civil servants doing important, valuable voluntary work to help some of the most vulnerable people in our messed up world is just laughable.

Tell him to fuck off with his bullshit.

I meant watching the arguments between DP and me in the kitchen - not reading over my shoulder while I type (which I would never let him do). They're both out of the house now, hence my relative freedom to type.

The Jeremy Heywood article is brilliant, rain - I'll print that off to show him, he might pay it a bit of attention as it's from the horse's mouth, as it were...

I think that it's mainly the Islamic/war connection that bothers and scares him most. It's just so far out of his comfort zone (though not out of mine) and he is overreacting because of limited simplistic understanding and a wrong assumption that the refugees will automatically have militant connections.

He is keen on theology, btw and has even considered careers involving Christian ministry! (there are many different approaches to God ?! ... )

The Syrian refugee resettlement programme is run by the Government. There are civil servants working on this as part of their actual paid jobs!

But I think your main problem here is that he's either a) outright lying to you, or b) so paranoid that he's started believing his own delusions. This doesn't sound like a great situation for you or the DC. Is he like this in lots of parts of your life?

KatieScarlett don't worry, I'd never let DS read over my shoulder while I'm typing. They're both out of the house at present, hence my relative freedom to type.

Thanks rain for the Jeremy Heywood article which I'll print off to show DP; he might look at it as it is from the horse's mouth...

I think the root of his fear here is that he's made a very simplistic link between the origin and faith of these refugees and terrorist groups that have been much in the news - and overreacted. (Surprising really for someone who has a doctorate ...)

Happy to help. Though as PPs have said, this might not be the main issue. It certainly sounds as thiugh he's very controlling, possibly with some mental health issues. Is this something you've ever looked at? How does it affect other areas of your life?

Sorry, have kind of double-posted there as the first one seemed to disappear; sorry about the needless repetition.

Yes 53, I think that there is an issue here with delusions and some degree of actual paranoia. I do worry sometimes for the world view that could be communicated across to DS, that's why at times like this I'm prepared to stand up and shout back, and NOT 'submit' to what strikes me as a very harmful outlook and ideology - with DC listening. So that he knows there are other ways to live and behave and believe.

That's good. This is your place and replies will be tempered if a child was reading. Also, he might be an absolute fuckwit, but he's still their father.
Oh, and he knows his argument is ridiculous. Even if you get him to accept that, he will find another way to discourage you. Be prepared.

Another civil servant here. There's no problem at all with doing it.

Please do not ever show him this thread.

You're right, Katie Mumsnet is for me only, and not for DP or DS to see or ever read. This thread isn't for them.

Bu it is a HUGE encouragement and reassurance for me. It helps so much to hear from others also in DP's line of work, who have confirmed what I have felt, that such legal and charitable (ie. unpaid) work for people in such need, cannot possibly be negatively looked upon by the civil service - for whom I don't even work.

That's good. MN is fantastic when you need a reality check or when you just need to laugh or vent.
Posting with even the slightest fear you are being observed will only inhibit you.
Try not to engage with his nonsense. Broken record technique all the way.
"I'm doing this, regardless of what you say"
Over and over.
Then have a good think about your life with this man. I wish you well

It's when you live with someone and don't get out all that much, and have to listen to this controlling yet so narrow world view, that it feels like outside perpectives and objective standards of comparison aren't available.

That's why Mumsnet is such a lifeline at times like this.

I'm going to take a break now but will check back. Meantime, thank you and bless you all for all the support you've sent me I do feel stronger now and more able to bat back some of the b*t coming my way.

Civil servant here. This is complete nonsense. It's not relevant to my role now but I have had to undergo advanced vetting in the past, I really can't see this as being a problem at all provided As long as you make them aware you are doing it.

A Civil Servant I know well, who works in this area says:

"This is total bullshit."

If he has no level of security clearance, this is nonsense.

I used to volunteer for a charity that helped asylum seekers. It was part funded by the home office and had a ton of civil servant volunteers. Your DH is wrong.