Civil Servant partner vetoing my voluntary work with Refugees - AIBU??

[whenthetimecomes]

Help! Very frustrated at moment as I am keen to get back to work after 7 years as a SAHM, and have finally found a part time voluntary role which totally inspires me and fits with my former skills and experience - It's teaching English to a small group of refugee families (from a troubled region much in the news) recently accepted here by local council.

Not only do I believe in this work for its own sake but it could also be a good thing (IMO) on my cv, as a stepping stone to a possible paid job in future after years of feeling deskilled stuck at home with a child. ( I'm also in my 50s so it's harder to get paid work at my age, but I think I could excel in this area). But regardless of this possible personal benefit, I want to do this anyway as I think it's very worthwhile work and want to help, because I can. I've worked with refugees long ago and also speak some of their language; IMO, I'm uniquely placed and well qualified as a teacher to help. Those who want me to join their team think so too.

Now - Partner has found out that I'm about to start the teaching (it's only 2 hours per week!!) and has totally vetoed it!! 'It's not safe for you as you have a family and it will have a negative effect on my work. It will be an obstacle to my future chance of promotion as it will be obvious that I have associated with someone who has had contact with undesirable people; it will bring danger and risk to us as a family - blah blah blah'.....

What does he do for a living? No, it's not MI6 or Special Forces - he's a minor civil servant in a very innocuous provincial department that has zero to do with military or security.

Now he's taking the Christian (!) approach: 'It says in the Bible that wives have to obey their husbands...'

I've told him that, if he can give me indisputable, objective, hard evidence from his workplace (eg human resources) IF - that his wife's offering 2 hrs per week of unpaid charitable teaching to refugees (who are 100% legally here and have obviously been previously screened by the UN and UK government before entry to the UK ) - if this will indeed bring his work into disrepute, and bring risk and danger upon the whole family .... only then will I reconsider this volunteering opportunity.

Responses from any other civil servants please would be particularly helpful here ! - to help me judge if there is any substance at all in what he's saying. He says things like this: 'I work for the Queen' (no he doesn't, she's just the ultimate boss of the Civil Service); 'I have to be above reproach in whoever I or my family associate with' - ??? He's just assumed these poor people are terrorists who will want to follow me home in order to murder us!

I think he's paranoid; but is it true that civil servants and even their families have to avoid helping victims of war, or any contact with them, just because they happen to be Muslims?

Civil servants and Muslims, please please give me your thoughts on this.

Just to add that I have a higher security clearance and again ITS NOT A PROBLEM.

Yes, the whole relationship is a massive effort on every level, and has been for a very long time. I endure it, don't enjoy it, and you're exactly right - it is absolutely exhausting. He's not been above using violence in the past to exert control, so the best way to co exist is just to keep out of his way as much as I can manage on a daily basis. Of course horrid for Dc too.

This job option for me has now opened things up however, and brought some of the issues to the fore.

A huge grateful thank you to Orlanda and other civil servants for all your specific input to debunk the 'civil service restrictions' myth I've been fed. I'm relieved to know that it is in fact a sensible and humane organisation! (as I suspected it was).

As an ex-teacher I tend to know when I'm being lied to, or being fed a false picture, but over time it's sometimes become just too much of an effort to challenge every damn thing. On this I'm not going to give up so easily. But am bracing myself for the fallout.

I'm sorry to hear that he has also been violent, I hope you find the strength to leave and live a peaceful life for you and your children. You sound very intelligent and thoughtful and I think once your courage kicks in, you'll gain back some control of your life.

OP how many children do you both have and how old are they? It just seems like you would be so much better out of this relationship. It can't be good for your children living with a man like that. Other than childcare help is there one thing you would miss if you left?

Thanks, the violence isn't all that recent, but the fact it's happened in the past means I know the possibility is always there that it could recur - especially if he believes (however wrongly) that what I do threatens his career or personal safety. I stood up to it very strongly a few years ago, so he restrains his anger a bit better than he used to; but this could change and I never feel entirely safe.

I've got to go now, but will be back as and when to give an update.

once more for all the kind and helpful responses, bless you.

Just one child, now 12. DC has some special needs (gets DLA) so has needed me (still does) quite a bit more than most kids. So my career had to go several years ago so that I could be at home to meet his needs. He's making good progress now though, so I was starting to see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel re: getting back to work part time. Part time work in school hours is what suits and this refugee job fits in nicely.

I know the question has already been answered, but I have a family member who is a very senior career civil servant, who has worked both as a SPAD and permanent civil servant.

Him and his wife co-founded a local foodbank, and through that have set up a local social enterprise which provides language lessons, parenting lessons and legal advice for refugees and asylum seekers.

I'm sure he would happily phone your DH and talk through his outside interests and the praise he has received for them from the government and his church...

Op, do you get the sense that your husband actually believes the things he is telling you? Or do you think it is purely a control issue? If he really, truly thinks what he is telling you is true, then I would worry about his mental health.

(I'm a civil servant and have in the past been through developed vetting)

Sorry he's been violent in the past, and is still very controlling. Yes, best do things in secret with respect to WA etc.

Another person with Civil Service vetting experience to say HE IS WRONG. And he sounds nasty.

Please OP, go for it, what a wonderful thing to do. You could make a real difference to the lives of people who really need it. I applaud you.

I am a civil servant and have worked for several different departments. Every single one of those departments would not only have encouraged me to volunteer (including with refugees) but would have given me five days of paid leave per year to go and do it.

Your husband is spouting racist rubbish. His work don't need to know what you're doing in your spare time (unless they ask directly when he renews any security clearance) and wouldn't think this type of work is a problem.

If you are volunteering your army-trained bomb-wiring knowledge to a group of militants (well, to anyone actually!) then the civil service would have a view. Teaching English to a group of legally-resident refugees is a commendable thing!

Good luck in your new role. Tell your husband to stick his archaic views

"I never feel entirely safe"
Those are words no one should ever have to say about their partner

Something tells me by your username that you're preparing yourself to some sort of "break free"

yanbu at all!

Your husband seems a bit bigoted and narrow minded, has he always been like that? I think he doesn't like the fact that you think different than him and he that he may lose control over you...
The next thing will be him undermining you saying you're naive and that people are taking advantage of you..

Btw I'm a civil servant too and his excuses are bollocks

Don't give up something you wanna do just to save faces. Well done on your initiative!!

OP - your DH is trying to control you, but is frankly clutching at straws with claims that you would hinder his promotion prospects with your voluntary activity (which, as others have said, is a load of crap) and then Bible quotes on wifely obedience (WTF?!)

Civil servants themselves can have restrictions placed on their non-work activities, but these are basically limited to political activities. The limits on what spouses and partners can do are far far more relaxed - Jack Straw's wife was a very senior civil servant, for example!

Haven't read all the replies yet but I'm a civil servant and your husband is talking absolute crap. I can't imagine this being looked on as anything apart from favourably by the civil service - they are very much into equality/diversity.

He's no doubt a joy to work with as well as to be married to. What a pompous prick.

I've now read the whole thread and am not surprised to see a every other civil servants has said how ridiculous your husband is being, because he is.

He sounds like a really nasty piece of work. Of course he doesn't want you to do this work as it takes you out from under his control.

All this encouragement is amazing - thanks again, including to more recent posters. The unanimity is incredible; most reassuring and affirming of my stance. I will feel on much firmer ground when the next 'discussion' about it erupts. I've got my anti-bullshit armour on now.

Must disappear now, but will be back to update when I can.

Good luck when. Forewarned is forearmed

He's no doubt a joy to work with as well as to be married to.

I was thinking that too fluffiphlox - he must be a barrel of laughs in the office. Not.

I do think the teaching sounds wonderful and worthy, but with this level of paranoia and controlling behaviour... if you could permit yourself to take the full time paid jobs that he's in about, you might get free sooner, and be of more use to the world once you are free. At the moment, it seems you are contingent on his whims and subject to his control - and if he wants you to get a job DESPITE your extra-needs DS, you're not even "free" to help your child, are you?

I bet we've all worked with one of these - they come in all walks of life.

Thing is, pluck, although theoretically the OP taking one of the f-t jobs would make significant demands on the DH in terms of childcare, in reality she would be expected to juggle everything. It would prove extremely demanding and no doubt he would be constantly reinforcing the fact it's because she could never cope on her own. I think as much as anything he's setting her up to fail. By taking a job she can definitely do, which will be fulfilling in terms of helping a community in need, and with no pay, ticks none of his boxes.

I do agree, however, that the OP needs to get some dosh behind her and get out of there.

OP - you could really sort out the wheat from the chaff here and call up his HR dept yourself and ask.

When they stop laughing, you can say think you and have the info to hand for him when he gets home.