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Original poster

Any advice RE surviving as SAHM?

18 replies

sparkymummy · 25/01/2007 14:40

Hiya

Wasn't sure where to post this but was wondering if anyone has any advice on what its like to become a SAHM after being very job-orientated before baby came along? I have pretty much decided not to return to work as my wages are pretty low and when I had taken out the cost of childcare/public transport etc I was only going to be coming home with about £20 a week if I did the part time hours I wanted. What do poeple find hard? What makes it all worth while? And how do you survive with little/no adult company during the day?

OP posts:

Coolmama · 25/01/2007 14:59

For me, in a nutshell -
the hardest was just getting used to the sheer tedium that I found on occasion with a little one.
the worthwhile part comes when you realise that you are raising a human being! ( deep, I know, but it still scares the crap out of me IYSWIM
definitely make an effort to go out and join play groups etc - it is crucial to make sure you have some friendly support around otherwise you will feel like climbing the walls!

madamez · 25/01/2007 23:12

DOn't know what your previous job was (obviously) but, as well as joining all the toddler groups, etc, you can find, try to have a piece of your week (even if it's only an hour) where you think about/do stuff that's about you. Is there any line of work you want to do/any skill you have that could be readapted towards self-employment or working from home?
Be wary of random "business opportunities" advertised, as most are just scams, but being able to generate (or work towards generating) even a tiny little income for yourself is the best way to remember that you are a human being.
After all, DCs grow up and move on. If you stop at the one, you'll be sending him/her off to school in 5 years or so - there's a lot more life to get through after that.
Best of luck

TheArmadillo · 25/01/2007 23:24

get out the house and meet other adults - like at toddler groups.

It is the key to successful SAHMdom.

madamez · 25/01/2007 23:31

Check out every toddler group/rhymetime at the library/baby massage group going. As some will be full of people you'd rather eat your own foot than socialise with. Also, persevere with the ones that don't seem all that friendly as sometimes they seem to take a while to thaw out.
Also, go to your nearest park/playground whenever the weather's good, as you will often find other people w/kids there. And there;s somethign about meeting fellow parents in a park, it's much easier to start a casual conversation than if you're just out (without LOs) and sharing the same few feet of space as someone else.

SueW · 25/01/2007 23:31

Completely agree with postings so far. The key to being a stay-at-home mum is that you rarely stay at home!

The first 3-4 months is the hardest potentially. You can try to find a Bumps and Babies group before you have the baby and go along for the last few weeks of pg during your mat leave to get to know people, whilst you are still feeling confident. Then get yourself up and ready in time to go along to meet them and show off your baby.

From there maybe walks round a local park - some pushing prams, others trailing toddlers.

Offer for some of the mums -with non-mobile babies - to come round to your place.

At 4mo+ you can join some organised actitivites.

From 6mo+ there are lots.

From 9mo+ you and your baby will prob go mad if you don't!

At all these you will meet other mums/dads/carers who you can make friends with.

wotzsaname · 25/01/2007 23:41

Lots of positve things you can do are already mentioned here.

What no-one tells you is how to cope with the realisation that your life will never be what it was before, good and bad.

Still look at my 2 dds sometimes and think "how did they get here and what should i do with them".

LunarSea · 26/01/2007 09:50

sparkymummy - had you checked out what you might get in the way of help towards childcare from tax credits if you do go back? It's possible that might make a difference - and it sounds as if you think you'll miss working and would carry on if it wasn't for the money situation.

choosyfloosy · 26/01/2007 09:55

Enjoy every good bit to the full. The sheer joy of pottering into town on a nice sunny day with cheerful (because outside) baby and perhaps having a coffee(even if you have to take your own - a Thermos and tupperware genuinely are a good investment - at a time when you would otherwise be discussing who to make redundant/typing up the minutes/giving injections, with the prospect of a music group/swimming trip or something YOU enjoy makes all the slog an awful lot better.

IMO all the toddler groups ,music groups etc are for the parents, and quite right too. So a) don't worry if you don't like them b) only go to ones you do like.

beckybrastraps · 26/01/2007 09:57

I have a lot of adult company during the day. And not for 'mummy talk', although they are other SAHMs. Like any walk of life, you find people you like and have things in common with. And you can find them at the dreaded mother and baby groups.

I would also recommend some more intellectually invigorating pastime as well. I study part time and am loving it. Is there anything you have always fancied learning but didn't have the time? Now you will

EmmyLou · 26/01/2007 10:14

Do join Mother and baby groups, toddler groups, play groups etc etc. And be persistent if they don't feel overly friendly at once, don't give up going if you feel a little left out. These groups can become cliquey, but people move on and they do change over time so its worth while persisting.

It took me a while to establish friendships as opposed to acquaintances through my local group, but now we have a great group of SAHMs and things get planned during the week with the children and nights out without - bliss!

If you get the chance, get involved with committees and the running of these groups. Another good way to meet people AND stem the flow of housekeepery/nursemaidy feelings.

choosyfloosy · 26/01/2007 11:01

oh yes evening/day classes as you can find - since becoming a mum I've learned Hebrew, am doing A-level Biology and joined a reading group. or a lot of leisure centres have creches as well, though they vary.

one evening out per week alone each has been important for us. plus look out for babysitting circles so you can get evenings out together.

Original poster

sparkymummy · 27/01/2007 16:10

Thanks for all your lovely messages and advice, esp about sticking with the groups as I tried one out the other day and felt like a right Billy-no-mates but will try it again a few times, esp as DS seemed to love all the different toys!

OP posts:

auntymandy · 27/01/2007 16:12

I love been a sahm, having another baby so i dont have to go to work!!!

Judy1234 · 27/01/2007 18:17

It's worth even working at a loss. My best advice is go back to work full time and then you'll enjoy both your working life and children. Think about a career taking you to age 65 and when the children won't be there and think of the example to them of your working etc and remember how difficult it is at home if you are "job orientated" so thus don't become a SAHM. Remember that childcare costs are not yours but half yours and the children's father should see half of them as his expense, not yours. Think about power balances in relationships and how awful economic dependence on a man in reality is.

Tommy · 27/01/2007 18:22

I don't find it tedious at all although it is relentless. I find it strange that people say to me "don't you get bored?" as if going to work is the single most exciting thing you can ever do!

My advice would be to make sure you have other people in similar situations so that you can chat to friends and your children have friends to play with - toddle groups, swimming, gym tots etc.

Also, perhaps find yourself something else to do - voluntary work or something that you can do in the evenings or something so that you do have something else going on in your life - doesn't have to be a big commitment but gets you out of the house without the children.

Lilymaid · 27/01/2007 18:29

I was a SAHM for several years, though I did a little work from home. I too could not afford to go back to work and was living far from family and friends. I signed up to classes at a wonderful adult education centre which had a creche (when DS2 got to play group age I went to classes when he was in play group). I also kept up a hobby - singing in a symphony chorus - which kept up my self esteem. Oh ... I also spent a lot of time with my children, playing, swimming,reading etc with them, which is never to be scoffed at.

oremstango · 30/01/2007 18:43

I am early into mat leave but very actively considering whether/when/how to return to work. What I find interesting is the bias SAHMs receive and the concept of 'surviving' this- while I realise it's not for everyone, what did we have kids for to begin with? I also had friends saying 'poor you staying at home with your wee one' while at the same time spending all Sunday lunch complaining about work and discussing how much they dread it. Made me question what it is that I'm really 'missing.'

Judy1234 · 30/01/2007 22:46

If you love being home and feel it's right for you and your family stay home. If yoy hate it work but don't fee guilty about either option as children of stay at home and working parents both thrive. But don't be a martyr and hate it and say you're doing it because it's best for the child - it isn't, not if you don't enjoy it.

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