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Original poster

This morning I burst into tears and was sent home. Being a working mum is so bloody hard

71 replies

littlelamb · 08/11/2006 10:18

I don't know whats come over me the last few days but the slightest little things are making me tearful. I think I am having a lot of guilt about being a single mum and working full time. DD is 2 and a half and for the last couple of days she cries when she is dropped off at nursery and says 'I don't want you to go to work.' She has also started sleeping in my bed and being generally quite jumpy and I can't help thinking this is because I don't spend enough time with her.
Financially its not an option for me to be a SAHM or work part time so I am pretty stuck. I have been at my job 2 months and love it, but the last few days things have been getting in top of me and I am absolutely mortified that I creid this morning. We had a meeting about how 'the teams not really working.' I don't know if I'm just being hyper-sensitive but I took it as a dig at me, as even though I think I do a really good job I have been blamed or a few things in the past couple of days that just weren't my fault but I didn't want to be seen to be blaming someone else so I just took it.
I am also about 10 minutes late each morning because of having to take my daughter to nursery. The office isn't even open for another 20 minutes after I get there but they are making a big issue about it even though they knew that it would be that way when they hired me.
Someone please just tell me it gets easier. I really do love my job and the people I work with but I feel that more and more they are forgetting that I only had a few days of training for a job that requires a lot more and so see me as the easiest person to blame. I am absolutely terrified of going back to work tomorrow as I feel so tearful all the time. I feel almost bullied I suppose

OP posts:
Aderyn · 08/11/2006 10:22

Littlelamb - that sounds awful for you. I hope someone will be along soon with some good advice for you.

Were you working prior to starting this job?

What sort of business are you working for?

Original poster
littlelamb · 08/11/2006 10:25

I was at university full itme before so I had thought the transition wouldn't be too hard- dds been at the same nursery since she was 3 months old. I work at an estate agents. Its a very small independant business with only 7 of us working there and up til now I've loved it but I have taken all this criticism so personally even though I'm not sure its directed at me and to be honest they cant expect me to be perfect with the training I've had

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bundle · 08/11/2006 10:42

littlelamb, it really does get easier but I think that the success depends on flexibility on both sides - eg I have a lovely boss and we talk about what is/isn't possible for me to do (eg I didn't do any travelling for work until very recently, my dd's are 6 and 3) and I also changed my days (tu, weds, thur) when I returned after dd2, so I could work on different projects. whenever there's an unexpected emergency there's never any question that I shouldn't leave (dh and I usually split days if one of the girls is ill) and I can make up the time at home eg in the evenings (though your job obviously is different to mine and that may not be possible). I think you need to talk to who's in charge - especially about the 10 minute thing, which can cause resentment, so that you're not late but it's part of your scheduled day (eg take it off your lunch break). and please don't worry about your dd saying she doesn't want you to go, all children do this at some time (often at her age) and talk to staff about how they can help you to ease her into her day (she may be picking up on your feelings right now). hth, x

Original poster
littlelamb · 08/11/2006 10:54

Thanks bundle. I always have taken the time off my lunchbreak, but I noticed on my boss's diary she has been marking the times I come in in the morning and they are ALL wrong, saying I am 20 minutes late which just isn't the case. I am aware that I am feeling VERY sensitive right now to say the least, but I can't help feeling that they are trying to get rid of me. I was already feeling bad about how much was blamed on me yesterday so when we were called to a meeting outlining what we were doing wrong I just started to bawl A big part of the problem is that I leave nursery feeling so guilty because I have to rush off as I am so aware of the 10 minute thing and I dont get time to see dd settle happily.

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 08/11/2006 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunnysideup · 08/11/2006 11:06

littlelamb, this sounds so stressful for you I just want to give you a hug.

You are trying to give 100% to your dd and your work and getting stretched in the process.

I think use your tears this morning as a chance to be really open and assertive with your employers. Don't forget they have gone through the cost of recruiting and (almost!) training you and they do NOT want the bother of losing a member of staff only to have to do it all again. They need you at least as much as you need them so don't feel you can't raise your issues.

Ask for a meeting, or write a letter...let your boss know you are aware your times of coming in are being noted and that this is making your child's drop off at nursery very stressful for her. They need I think to trust that you will get there as soon as you possibly can. Could you start at 10am when the office opens?

I know there are prob team stuff things to do in that half hour before but tbh this is not brain surgery, it's estate agency (no offence )and I'm sure you can pick up what's necessary.

Every estate agent I've come into contact with has had team meetings when open anyway!

I really think you need to slighty change arrangements so that you can de-stress a bit.

Forgive the question, but is full time really really necessary? What would happen if you were part-time, are we talking losing ability to pay mortgage/rent?

Original poster
littlelamb · 08/11/2006 11:13

Rubyrioja a review is a good idea. Up until this week I thought I was doing really well but we've just been so busy this week that lots of stuff has just been dumped on my desk and I have been dealing with it as I have been shown, which apparently is not good enough. I know I take criticism too personally so I should just march in tomorrow armed with all this to say but they have knocked my confidence. This is the culmination of lots of things going wrong really. But I AM very dedicated, often I dont take lunch at all and I've taken work home before even though I've never been asked. This is all stuff I am happy to do and dont expect to be congratulated on, which is why it feels so unfair that the stuff they are highlighting is so petty

OP posts:
Original poster
littlelamb · 08/11/2006 11:17

sunnysideup if i took any less hours I couldn't pay rent. I am only just managing to cover it as it is. And its not a 10 0 clock start, I am expected to be there at 8.30 but dds nursery opens at 8.15. I am there at 8.40 as I walk. They have suggested I cycle, but the company garage is so far from the office it would make no difference. It is just meeting stuff that i am missing and to be honest most mornings they are all still making tea by the time I get there whch is why I dont understand all the fuss- others take fag breaks throughout the day which I dont, so really we are all even.

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 08/11/2006 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunnysideup · 08/11/2006 11:25

it is horribly hard having to work as a mum....

but I do think you need to agree a change to your contract; starting time of 8.45am. This is realistic; there is absolutely no point in pretending to yourself and them that you can get there earlier, and just say to them how unacceptable you find having your coming in time noted down in someone else's diary...you would feel far better if you simply came to an agreement about a realistic start time, then you would get the feeling that you are ON time rather than flapping about being late every day.

I really don't think this should be a problem for an employer and it would go a long way to making your day a little less stressful, maybe?

sunnysideup · 08/11/2006 11:28

I am getting crosser about this...imagining them making tea and talking about who shagged who last night while you leave a crying child and leg it to work feeling miserable...do many of them have kids? I'm getting the impression that they don't, or if they do the childcare arrangements are left with wee wifey.....

WhizzBangCaligula · 08/11/2006 11:29

LL working families does a free legal helpline which could help you to just formulate what you're going to say to your employer re agreeing a different start time. Might be worth giving them a call if you're not sure how to approach it.

Original poster
littlelamb · 08/11/2006 11:33

Actually sunnyside up they are all women. And lovely people it has to be said, this is really the first problem I have had with them. Big boss does have 2 small children and comes in after 9 due to HER childcare arrangements. My boss does have 2 teenagers. I might actually ask for a change in contracted hours. That would make such a difference, which is ridiculous considering its only 15 minutes. It is just such a shame because one of the reasons I was so excited about this job was that you could tell it was a great, friendly team. I just feel singled out

OP posts:
Original poster
littlelamb · 08/11/2006 11:34

Thanks for that Caliglua I might give them a call later. I cant see that 15 minutes would make a difference, especially when I take it off my lunch hour anyway

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 08/11/2006 11:36

did they know that you could only get there at 8.40?

honestly, I would be seething if some obnoxious boss of mine dared to note down my arrival time at work - I seriously hope they do that for everyone and not just you grrr.

You sound incredibly conscientious - I feel sad because I think you are in a state where you feel unable to approach them and confront them. It isn't right that you are getting blamed for mistakes.

Please don't let them upset you - if you can find it within yourself, approach your boss and explain it like you have done on here. Also, all children go through phases like that at nursery. The minute you turn your back, she's probably off playing with all her friends.

tribpot · 08/11/2006 11:37

Hmm, a small office ... you're the only parent ... this doesn't sound good. And your boss marking your arrival and leaving times wouldn't be good even if she was doing it right.

Seems to me you are being bullied, and set up as the scapegoat as you suggest. Agree with the others, you need to air this with your boss. Could you agree not to take a lunch break in return for slightly shorter working hours? I know that's not strictly legal but ...

sunnysideup · 08/11/2006 11:38

I think it's just having that feeling of being on time, rather than feeling you are failing in two places at once iykwim....not having time to settle dd, AND being late for work!

you never know, dd might settle more happily when you a) have a bit more time and b) aren't feeling so stressed about getting to work.

good luck!

tribpot · 08/11/2006 11:38

Ah, not the only parent, just the only one expected to be able to jump through time to make a 25 min journey take 15 mins!

oliveoil · 08/11/2006 11:40

ok, first of all, stop feeling guilty. You do not have anything to feel guilty for. You have to work full time, end of. Can you stop working? No. So you can't do anything about it and feeling guilty about something you can't do anything about isn't doing you any favours!!

Next, I would ask your boss for a 3 month review so you have a couple of weeks to get some ideas together. I think a later start time is a good idea, taken from your lunch. Could you have a 30 min lunch and finish early? Ask her what she thinks of your work, anything she wants to discuss etc.

Talk about stuff and see how things go, she may not realise how unhappy you are.

But no crying at the meeting if she is nice (this is one of my tricks), be professional.

And stop feeling guilty!

x

Original poster
littlelamb · 08/11/2006 11:43

Foxinsocks, they knew that that is the earliest I could get there and they hired me anyway. They do let me go home 5 minutes early to take the post on the way. The horrible thing is that there is another relatively new person on our team and I know that most of the mistakes I am being blamed for are actually her fault- but as she is much older and more experienced than me I know that they won't believe that-I'm not the kind to tell tales anyway. Also I know my boss is responsible for some of them too, but how on earth do I broach that!?

OP posts:
Original poster
littlelamb · 08/11/2006 11:46

Thanks oliveoil. A 3 month review is an excellent idea. I have to stop worrying about being fired. I know that realistically noone is perfect but every little thing wrong feels like it is pushing me that bit further to being let go. That is quite something to have on my shoulders I am going to stop crying at my desk now and go and get dd early so I can finally spend some time with her. Thanks for all your help x

OP posts:
oliveoil · 08/11/2006 11:47

well when they mention problem X and insinuate that you did it, just say "oh I thought Claudia (or whoever) was dealing with that, I haven't done anything on X"

it's not telling tales imo

don't take the blame for something you have not done

sunnysideup · 08/11/2006 11:49

exactly tribpot

with the mistakes being attributed wrongly, just remember that in the world of work no-one is going to stand up for you except you, unfortunately. In matters like this, I mean. You just have to try and grow another skin and just pipe up and make clear, "no, that wasn't what I did". No-one will do this for you....

And as an old lag (yes, that's lag ) I say join a union. Only a very few quid a month, and if ever you need advice they are there. It doesn't mean you are a troublemaker just that you know that we are stronger in numbers than as individuals - common sense.

oliveoil · 08/11/2006 11:49

I think the fact that you are worrying about your daughter (unnecessarily!!!) is having a bearing on how you feel at work. And how you feel at work is seeping in at home. And you dd senses it. And the circle goes round.

Go and have a nice afternoon and go back in tomorrow and kick ass.

Bugsy2 · 08/11/2006 11:50

Oh poor you. Really sympathise. I am a single working mum, but fortunately I've been able to wangle it so that I can work part-time. Are you sure you couldn't work part-time - have you looked into the tax-credits you would receive if you reduced your hours. You would also be entitled to help with your childcare too?
Might be worth checking out - you could be pleasantly surprised.