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Original poster

This morning I burst into tears and was sent home. Being a working mum is so bloody hard

71 replies

littlelamb · 08/11/2006 10:18

I don't know whats come over me the last few days but the slightest little things are making me tearful. I think I am having a lot of guilt about being a single mum and working full time. DD is 2 and a half and for the last couple of days she cries when she is dropped off at nursery and says 'I don't want you to go to work.' She has also started sleeping in my bed and being generally quite jumpy and I can't help thinking this is because I don't spend enough time with her.
Financially its not an option for me to be a SAHM or work part time so I am pretty stuck. I have been at my job 2 months and love it, but the last few days things have been getting in top of me and I am absolutely mortified that I creid this morning. We had a meeting about how 'the teams not really working.' I don't know if I'm just being hyper-sensitive but I took it as a dig at me, as even though I think I do a really good job I have been blamed or a few things in the past couple of days that just weren't my fault but I didn't want to be seen to be blaming someone else so I just took it.
I am also about 10 minutes late each morning because of having to take my daughter to nursery. The office isn't even open for another 20 minutes after I get there but they are making a big issue about it even though they knew that it would be that way when they hired me.
Someone please just tell me it gets easier. I really do love my job and the people I work with but I feel that more and more they are forgetting that I only had a few days of training for a job that requires a lot more and so see me as the easiest person to blame. I am absolutely terrified of going back to work tomorrow as I feel so tearful all the time. I feel almost bullied I suppose

OP posts:
foundintranslation · 08/11/2006 11:52

Agree with OO and sunnysideup. It does sound a bit like you are being victimised/singled out tbh - but I also think there is a good chance of sorting it. There are some excellent suggestions on this thread.

You have my sympathy. I know I feel bad enough sometimes when I have to work - and ds is with dh when I'm working. You sound like a fantastic mother.

WhizzBangCaligula · 08/11/2006 12:19

That's a point LL, have you actually looked into how much worse off you'd be if you did part time work?

Because what I find is that depending on what income you're on, because the government throw money at you to go to work over 16 hours but then start clawing it back as soon as you get to a reasonable income, you might find that you are not as badly off on part time income as you think. Have you had a look on entitledto ?

arfishymeau · 08/11/2006 12:27

I'm the only mum in a group of young men and I know exactly how you feel.

Arrange a meeting with your boss, say exactly what you feel - ie you feel that you are being blamed for things that aren't your fault, that you feel judged for arriving 15 minutes late although you thought that had been agreed at interview, that you cut your lunchbreak short to make up the time and that you also feel that other team members are making mistakes that you are being blamed for.

If you don't broach the subject, it won't get resolved. If they DO have a problem with you (and I agree they shouldn't) then this is the way to deal with it.

If you are clear, unemotional and to the point, you will appear professional and capable.

If you raise one of your issues and your boss says she's not happy then ask what you have to do to make her happy. If she says something that you can't manage try to come up with a solution together. If you can't resolve it between you then at least you know where you stand.

Good luck

grumpyfrumpy · 08/11/2006 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
littlelamb · 08/11/2006 17:39

Have just come home to find a letter that has made me cry my eyes out.
'As you know we have tried to accomodate your situation nof starting at 8.45 instead of 8.30am. Unfortunately this is proving difficult to work with especially with the imortance of the morning meetings. We would kindly request that you endeavour to arrive at work promptly at 8.30 tomorrow and each working day thereafter.
Should this prove difficult on your behalf, regretfully we will have to give you one weeks notice.
what the hell am I going to do?

OP posts:
berrycherry · 08/11/2006 17:45

thhis is obviously a big issue for your employers, is there any chance you could arrive at 8.30? I would strongly advise you to look for another job ASAP, these people seem impossible to work for, and I think they are looking for a way to get rid of you. It makes me sick how working mums are sometimes treated in the workplace - they knew the deal when you were interviewed. Maybe speak to citezens advice? I am not sure what employment protection you have, as you have only been there 2 months? Good luck

foundintranslation · 08/11/2006 17:48

oh littlelamb.

This can't be right. They knew this and agreed to this at interview. (Is there anything about it in your contract, any written record?)

The only thing I can suggest in terms of accommodating them is to try and find a CM who can do your hours instead of nursery - which I know may well be impossible. But if they do sack you I really think you could have a case for constructive dismissal. (It seems a bit like they are 'using' the morning 'meetings' iykwim).

(Awful English in their letter btw)

Arrange that meeting as a matter of urgency, make all the points made in previous posts on the thread and remind your boss that your later starting time was agreed prior to you starting the job, that you take the time off your lunch break etc. etc.

ScummyMummy · 08/11/2006 17:51

Poor you littlelamb. They sound like real mean gits to agree to this and then use it against you. I hope you are able to resolve the situation. Is it pretty hard to find work in your area?

smittenkitten · 08/11/2006 17:59

LL sounds really stressful. As you've only been there a couple of months you have v few rights, the only thing you could try is talk to them about sex discrimination if they won't accomodate your start time. they have to weigh up the disruption to their business vs the personal impact on you. if the morning meeting being delayed means they are open for business later than otherwise then that's probably too big a disruption, but you might scare them enough to talk reasonably....

Original poster
littlelamb · 08/11/2006 18:08

The thing is, the morning meeting doesn't impact opening time at all. It doesn't even need to be an everyday thing. It takes 5 minutes at most. I am so angry with myself because a month ago I turned down a better paid job with flexi time because I enjoyed my current job so much. Obviously a stupid choice. I have organised for someone to take dd to nursery tomorrow so I can be on time but now I will feel like I am always working on eggshells. Tomorrow I will ring up this other job on the offchance that the position might still be available. I have a feeling the atmosphere tomorrow will be very difficult and I will have a hard time not crying But I will wear my killer suit and heels to show I mean business

OP posts:
bundle · 08/11/2006 18:18

littlelamb, I can see no reason why you need to be there at 8.30. what happens at the other end of the day? what time do you finish? would you be able to shift your day by 15 minutes? an employer is supposed to consider any flexible working plan (though this is hardly rocket science, 15 mins ffs) - and you being there when perhaps others aren't, at the end of the day could work. I'm sorry you're being put through this, to be honest it sounds as if they're being petty and this really isn't about the 15 minutes. Talk to ACAS www.acas.org.uk/ about your rights

foxinsocks · 08/11/2006 18:20

oh ll the b@stards

can you stand in front of the mirror tomorrow morning (before you go to work) and chant 'f*ck em all' - it will make you feel so much better

I'm all for going in and fighting battles and I think you would have good cause to fight them on this but I wonder (esp with such a small team) if you could find a better job that this might be the way to go.

Original poster
littlelamb · 08/11/2006 18:33

Bundle, I need to leave at 5, which is when we close so not really an option. But I frequently work through my lunch hour. They let me go at 5 to 5 to take the post. Will try the FUCK THEM ALL approach tomorrow but to be honest this has swiftly taken the enjoyment out of the job for me. I just cant believe that things can turn around so swiftly.

OP posts:
bundle · 08/11/2006 18:35

I work 3 days a week and generally do (with some support) what lots of people do in a 5 day week. Like me, you're probably more productive in your time at work because you do enjoy it. I feel total despair when I see employers being so shortsighted over the wealth of talent, experience and skills women like you bring to the workplace

foxinsocks · 08/11/2006 18:38

the boss sounds like she is picking on you (making you cover for her mistakes etc.) and I really do think it is a form of bullying

if you wanted to, could you take this up at head office level?

I do feel v sorry for you and feel angry at their ridiculous behaviour.

bundle · 08/11/2006 18:41

foxy, I think it's a small independent one

foxinsocks · 08/11/2006 18:44

it makes me so cross

what gives these people the right to treat littlelamb this way? ggrrrr

I really hope the other job is still available

soapbox · 08/11/2006 18:47

I know it must be hard LL, but you really must try not to cry at work

It just gives them the ammunition to dismiss you as an uncapable women - always in tears, not able to cope.

Look on the net for some really motivating inspirational womeny quotes and write them on a piece of paper and keep looking at them tomorrow when you feel tearful. Just don't let them get the better of you like this!

Sobernow · 08/11/2006 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhizzBangCaligula · 08/11/2006 18:57

LL, phone a helpline.

Equal Opportunities Commission

They're only there till 5PM, but the one parent families one is there today until 8pm and may be able to give you some guidance as to whether you have a case against these bastards for sex discrimination. (There is no minimum term of employment you need to have served for sex discrimination.)

Oneparentfamilies

You owe these fuckers nothing.

bundle · 08/11/2006 18:57

i agree, just focus on thinking how they can't do without you - your dependability, willingness to learn, motivation, knowledge of the local community (being a mother helps you relate to families looking for homes - what's important for them etc) - although you may not feel so enthusiastic now they've been this shitty to you, but I suppose it's a stop-gap for you to get another job, where you can feel valued

ScummyMummy · 08/11/2006 19:15

Yes- head up and deep breaths and know that you are fab and they are not worthy. V hard but you can do it. Ring the helplines or family or good friends and talk to them and cry lots if you need to- let it all out on paople who love and care about you and not on the bananaheaded fools at work who don't deserve you.

Original poster
littlelamb · 08/11/2006 22:18

Am feeling much better now, though still a bit tearful at what has happened. The really lovely thing is that the other woman who works on my team rang me this evening to check I was OK and was on the phone for nearly an hour talking about how our manager actually gave no specific examples of what had gone wrong (this woman was with me in the meeting and was equally shocked at what was said.) She is really shocked at the letter, and has basically told me that the manager has treated everyone like this at some stage. Basically I feel a lot more confident now I know she is on my side so I will go to work tomorrow feeling not so isolated. I am so grateful she rang. She also made a very valid point that our manager needs us more than we need her and that if her behaviour continues we will both leave, leaving her without staff and absolutely f**d. So I shall go to bed without tears tonight knowing that I have done absolutely nothing wrong and knowing that I have the support of my colleague which really does mean so much right now.

OP posts:
funnypeculiar · 08/11/2006 22:18

Grr LL - am very cross for you - if it makes you feel any better I regularly cried at work BEFORE I was a mum ... and they promoted me
What makes me really mad is that

  1. they KNEW they were going to come in late - ffs ( as others have said...) it's not like it's MUCH...
  2. They have been keeping inaccurate records about your timekeeping.
  3. Even thought they're being unfair, it's prob not worth your while to fight in some ways - afterall you want to work somewhere that si going to be family friendly not a bunch of complete monkey-faced gits. I write as someone who gave up a reaonably well paid/board level position in a small company b/cos I knew they didn;'t know how to be family-friendly.
Grr Grr. Peopple are SO short sighted - you are obviously a lovely employee Assuming you're still in probationary period, suspect your rights are a bit pants.But if you can face it, think that it would be fab of you to go in tomorrow and try and be upbeat and negotiate/arselick in order to give yourself time to find something SOOO much better REALLY hope the other job is still open for you ... and this time, get eveerything they say is OK in writing. (Ideally in blood) A lesson for us all
Original poster
littlelamb · 08/11/2006 22:28

Just had a look at the sex discrimination laws and it looks like if they sacked me for this I'd be able to make a claim against them regardless of how long I've been there- and it would damn well serve them right

OP posts:
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