Would you leave a £250,000pa job to be a SAHM?

[misosoup]

Ok, I've changed my name for this, not quite sure why....

I really enjoy my job and it is pretty well paid but since I returned to work after having DD2 I have been thinking a lot about this.

I can afford not to work, dh's income is nothing like mine but still above average although it will clearly be a huge drop in our standard of living.

And I miss the kids do much during the day... I spend 2 hours per day with them plus weekends. There is no way I can cut my hours any more and part-time is out of the question.

But I have worked so hard to get here, against all odds. I don't want to throw it all away.

It's a good thread.
Ah yes, over parenting. I had lunch with someone today who mentioned that in a sense, her concern that as she works part time she's over the top in her care (hope she's not a mumsnet reader), reading the children's GCSE books, learning the piano with them, and she , not me, mentioned her concern about over parenting issue, whether the children might be better without it if she was back to full time work. Some stay at home mothers underparent though, the identikit Steford Wives ones who spend the mornings at the gym whilst the chldren are with the au pair.

riabs - good point. May be often men earn more because they marry younger women, rather than just sxism in the home and with domestic responsibilities. My father was very involved although he worked. he took us out a lot. He was an NHS consultant and he came home for lunch every day, drove us to school every morning, took us out at weekends. In fact in the 1960s when my mother gave up breastfeeding he did every night feed which is amazing considering he worked full time so I suppose if you grow up in a home where both parents parent then you expect that to be normal.

The irony of my own situation having had almost 20 years of a very equal marriage is I've still ended up on my own as a single parent and their father has chosen to divorce the children as well as me so I haven't achieved this nirvana of fairness at home after all, although we did manage it find for all those years without any debate over roles and who did what.

ps.. as maozhe said "being a capable, economically active, independant woman will be important to my daughters as they grow up". I think that is important too. I notice my influence when one daughter at university pointed out the sexism in the home of her boyfriend's parents - mother doing everything, father sitting around as if he were some kind of male God unable to stack a dishwasher.

I really do hope this thread is not for real, otherwise it would get right up my nose, but if it's a hoax then I can let it pass.

I have a Law and English Lit degree, work 4 days a week for the Red Cross, for which I put my 2.8yo ds into nursery, and guess what pay I take home? Just under £7k a year. Now I like my job but even I get resentful at the fact that I am so underpaid. Dh earns £14k a year with his job, he works from 7.30am to 6.00pm with no overtime pay.

I'd like to see how some people would survive on a combined income like that with 2 children to support. We will probably never get on the housing ladder now either.

So with apologies to LadyHeatherMills I shall that this thread is vulgar, if it's real that is!

what do you do for the Red Cross rhubarb? if you don;t mind me asking (and seeing as this thread has meandered all over the hills and back agin, don't think I need to apologise for "hi-jacking"!)

I have found this thread very upsetting to tbh. In a debate about what is best for the children, then I think SAHMs will win every time.

Unfortunately for many of us that isn't an option, so I all I am left with is a feeling of sadness that I can't afford to look after my own children.

Glad it helps some people. I don't think stay at home mothers are best for children. So anyone wanting to feel better about working just take that from me or ask the children of working mothers how they feel once they're of age. It's good to talk about these things.

As for someone earning £250k being pretend, why should it be? Some women earn £1m a year and more. So if that kind of money interests you change career and may be encourage your children to take those kinds of jobs. I certainly find it's much more fun working hard for a lot of money than if I worked at something as hard but was worse paid. But I'm not particularly materialistic at all. I'm also very aware of how much worse off financially a lot of couples are even where both work full time.

No working mother on this thread has been upset and appalled that a SAHM says staying at home is best and yet many SAHM have been appalled working mothers might suggest going out to work can benefit or even be better for children. Is that because the SAHM are more insecure or because of propaganda in the press that staying at home is best?

GQMad, I odn't see that the SAHM will 'win' I hoenstly believe that it helped me and DBrother enourmously having a mother who worked and a dad who was aorund more for us. We were lucky, mum is a teahcer so she was there during the hols for us which i know isn't always an option. HOwever I honestly don't belive that simply by going back to work you doom your child!

My own take on it is that if possible it is good for kids to have a parent around for at least a couple of hours each day - ie putting thme to bed, eating brekkie with them. Plus having time to do family stuff at weekends.

But its very difficult to give 'ideal' answers. DS would worse of if I never found another job; I am a better, calmer, happier person because of the work i do that isn't related to him, whether that be paid employment (pre redudancy) or being a school governer for a secondary school and studying for a economics/politics degree (now).

I think he also benfits from the time he spends with childminder/nanny/nursery. He is a lovely secure little 18 mo boy, very friendly and happy with other children and confident with adults.

What's best for children isn't something that can be answered with a generality. You do what seems like the best option for all your family at the time you make that choice!

one cant just change jobs to get better money - its not like a choice is it.

sahms believe they are doing the right thing and in most cases make a choice to do so.

however the assumption on both sides - is indeed that of choice.

i have never come accross the assumption that anyone can just change jobs to earn a better salary though !

remember. most working mums dont have a choice.

wonder who the 5.5 year old's teacher feels abotu mozhe talking to her little one in school by 'phone.webcam several times a day'....

xenia, i agree with the majority of the comments you have made on this thread. have been too cowardly to say so up to now. not that you need any support.

misosoup, i agree with the previous posters who have said:
1 - the amount you earn now is relevant as the change would be a precipitous drop in household income

2 - have the "balls" (as other posters have put it) to make a case for p/t or flexible working - sorry terrible corporatese but - think outside the box. other mnetters have done it - i have myself - we need pioneers.

3 - if you do decide it is all or nothing - well then you will be used to assessing and managing risk so, as other posters have suggested, stay for your bonus, make a plan, try living on the reduced salary for 6 - 12 m, saving the difference as your f* you money and think about your exit strategy if you don't like the change. i think the suggestion of a 6 - 12 m sabbatical is excellent - you would get the chance to see how well the household adjusts to the change in circumstances without irretrievably compromising a future career.

that's my 2c anyway. hope you have got something useful from this thread and good luck with your decision

have done a lot of soul searching about this thread over the past few days. we all have our different lives, standpoints, financial pressures.

if I think about why we decided not to give it all up and go on benefits to look after the children ourselves, it was because dds future life opportunities will not just depend on how well adjusted they are. i wish we had that luxury, but we don't.
i don't want them to be the only one in the class who can't go on school holidays/trips. the one who cries when something expensive comes up because they worry that mum and dad can't afford it.
i want to have the choice to stay or not stay in a marriage, without being financially locked in.
i want to be able to afford to send them to uni, help them to buy their first car and learn to drive.
i want to be able to help them with a deposit towards their first home.
I want to be able to send them to a half decent school, which means the freedom to buy in or out of catchment areas.
if they want to study something (medicine?law?) which will be an extended financial burden on us, I want them to have that choice.
i need to have my own pension, to avoid being a burden to them later in life.

i watched the people i went to uni with having these opportunities, which i didn't. i made all my life choices from the assumption that mum and dad couldn't afford to help in any way. that is one reason why financially our twenties were such a disaster. resulting to some extent in why i am now unable to stay at home with my children.

we can't afford to think about any of these things right now, but if i keep my hand in my career I have the chance that one day i will. the world my children are going into is a very different one to the one we started out in.

yes, the emotional response from them every time is that they want me around 24/7. babies are born needy and i feel it is programmed into them to need their mum. but without an extended family round here, i do think it is helpful for them to build other relationships with adults and relate to other children.

in summary, i do feel happy with my decision to work. it is so much more complex than being best for the children. the downside of all these supposed perks is that i carry the guilt and longing to have been with my children 24/7 when they are small.

i don't really feel it is them that are missing out. it is me. but i feel pretty sure that when all is said and done in life i will have made the right choice.

a very fair and honest post QGM.
acknowledging that you have a choice, not a great choice, is what a lot of people find hard to do.

The reason for my very strong opinion is that our family have made a hugely massive lifestyle change in order to stay at home for a few years.

For us it was an easy decision as we were both agreed that staying at home wih the kids is the top priority above anything else.

(we are fortunate enough to not have to survive on benefits but would if we had to.)

For others I am aware that the decision is incredibly difficult.

But the choice isn't always simply going on benefits in order to sah.

From a childs point of view it is always going to be better for them to have their mother/father as the main carer.

We really don't know the full long term effect of the attatchment/emotional issues that will arise as a result of a 3/4/5 whatever month old being taken to a daycare center for the majority of it's waking life or the kids sent to a childminders home, where you really don't know what happens there, same with a nanny.

But to a lot of people, including me, it should not be seen as an equal option to staying at home (the mum happy=kids happy theory, I don't get that one at all!).
Much like the breastfeeding lot believe formula should not be advertised as an equal option.

As I have said before there is so much investment in childcare services in this country and so much encouragement for women to work (childcare payments, tax credits etc.)

But where the hell is the encouragement and insentinve to stay at home and do the job we were all designed to do?

For any mums out there who say they choose to work, do any of you think that if you recieved finnancial insentive to stay at home as well as perhaps some kind of assurance that your carreer wouldn't suffer (say- laws preventing employers to penalise mothers) would you try it?

Would it at least make you think?

P.s. I will promise to lay off the heavy stuff, unless provoked. Up until now I fell I have been miss-quoted a lot which has wound me up a bit, so I'm giving it one last go -I feel it's worth talking about.

FitF didn't say daycare would be the only cause of emotional/attachment issues...

Come now, I'm not in danger of being miss-quoted again am I?

I respect your right to believe what you do, poppet. And I respect your right to say it. It is hard to listen to someone who you disagree with, but often worthwhile.

I think the fact that so many mothers do stay at home, despite all the pressures to work from the quarters you mention, is an indication of how strong instinct is. And many more mothers who work would love to give up.

However, I do feel strongly that women with children need to be visible in working life. Without some of us out there working flexible hours, doors would shut to our daughters. I don't want to send the message to society that women must always look after their own children and have no career of their own.

It isn't helpful for either side to grab the moral high ground. And in reality, when I compare the luxury of our choices compared to most people in the world, it makes me feel pretty ashamed to even spend time thinking about this issue.

This thread has given me my first ever compulsion on MN to 'take names' (to ensure future avoidance)

maybe I'm getting too old and cynical but my view is that everyone on this thread loves and cares for their children and the way they organise their lives to meet the need of the family unit is something they will have considered carefully so other peoples opinion about it is largely irrelevant.

I work part time in an attempt to get the best of both worlds. To be honest, although it seems perfect advice for Misosoup, there are disadvantages.

For example, career progression may well stop and although part time work provides the same intellectual stimulation that you are used to, people often value their careers for more than this. I worry that I will come to resent my colleagues (and possibly even my husband although I hope not!) when I see them achieving what I could have and having perks that come only with full time employment and career progresion. The quality of work also inevitably decreases in some professions which do require full time service to clients etc.

On the flip side, I still leave my children in daycare 3 days every week and at the end of my working out of the home week, there is a period of adjustment both for them and me. I am happy with the quality of care and I do think that nursery offers opportunities that I don't. And while I do believe (or persuade myself??) that children are resilient, it is disruptive for them to have days at nursery, days with me and days with the whole family. Not to mention days or even weekends with grandparents, who are very supportive. I also wonder whether I would find it more rewarding at home if I had the chance really to get into the swing of it.

I'm very lucky to have the choice to WOH, SAH or work part time. Both financially and because I have a supportive husband and boss. I appreciate lots don't but I wish that I could just make up my mind which I should do. I feel I fall in between two stools and don't fulfil either role as I would like to.

It is a very personal choice. I certainly don't think I have got it right yet. Good luck to everyone else in a turmoil.

I think I will be really off beat with this and say DON'T DO IT

I did 5 years ago, dropped from £150K salary with lots of perks etc to being a SAHM and very quickly hated it.

I love my kids, love to see them grow and develop but hated the mums chat at toddlers groups and coffee mornings.

I went back to work in a lower paid job because I found I couldn't get back on to the same stage on the career ladder having taken a children break and to be honest 5 years on resent at times what I left behind.

Savings don't last forever no matter how careful you are and even though we don't have the same lifestyle now and spend nearly as much its hard at times.

No, Poppet, I wouldn't. FWIW I felt - and still feel - under enormous social pressure to stay at home with my children and/or to want to stay at home with my children full-time.

I love my daughters more than my life. They are at the core of my emotional being; I think about them constantly; I'm assured by my (male) job-share that the time when I relax and look happiest is when I'm talking and thinking about them. But I like my work as well. It fulfils bits of me that being with my children would not. I know that makes me a Bad Person. But it's who I am.