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Original poster

Boyfriend's weird reaction to new job offer

24 replies

reidfiona99 · 15/02/2015 21:58

So…. is this Gender or just Godawful? Me, a single working parent of three teenagers, visit boyfriend in London and tell him joyfully of new half-time job, which is a good job, a boost to self-esteem and is based in London so I could (maybe) see a bit more of him.
His response is nil-positive. As no 'Great' or 'You must be pleased' or 'That's good' nothing positive at all, just questions about the role for ten minutes.
I'm thinking along the whole spectrum of friendships/relationships and can't find a instance when I wouldn't have said something positive about someone getting a job I knew they wanted. What do you think? gender or what??

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 15/02/2015 22:00

Gender? No. Self absorbed dickhead? Yes.

CurlyWurlyCake · 15/02/2015 22:00

How long have you been seeing each other? New half time job, do you mean part time?

Justmuddlingalong · 15/02/2015 22:01

How long have you been seeing him, and what is the amount of time/how often do you see him now?

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 15/02/2015 22:01

Do you mean has he been an arse because he's a man?

Nope. If he's been an arse it's because he as an individual is an arse, not because of what's in his pants.

He isn't pleased about your achievement. That's odd. People who love you generally want good things for you.

You should probably ask him why he didn't appear to.

Maybe he thought asking questions was showing interest and just forgot the congrats bit. Maybe he doesn't want you in london. Or there are lots of other possibilities.

SwedishEdith · 15/02/2015 22:03

He doesn't like you getting the job and seeing him more often?

Zinxie · 15/02/2015 22:05

Urgh. Red flag, I'd have thought. But of a wet blanket?

Zinxie · 15/02/2015 22:06

Bit, not But!!

JeanSeberg · 15/02/2015 22:08

Depends what the job is and if there are genuine concerns. You'd have to give us more info.

What's he usually like?

m0therofdragons · 15/02/2015 22:11

Was he asking questions out of interest or was he being specifically negative? Did he know the job was a possibility or did you tell him without mentioning you'd got an interview? ... clearly I'm now asking you questions but they would make a difference. He could have been thrown by the sudden change. I'm a very practical person so often ask dh questions, although I would congratulate I do like to have all the details. Depending on the kind of questions your dp was asking, it could show more of an interest in you than just saying congrats and nothing more. I think I would suggest going out for a meal to celebrate and see how he reacts.

Huge congratulations

Original poster

reidfiona99 · 15/02/2015 22:51

I see him every weekend, occasionally during the week. We've been together 18 months, and a big relationship. Kind and thoughtful in many ways but there are these areas of blank. Couldn't see that lack of response about job was upsetting. Like, at all…. The job is part-time and commutable from where I am so no need to stay over - indeed that's difficult for now. Also forgot my 50th birthday, and the phone call after was icily cold, no sense of apology or joking or anything. His questions on the job were practical, as 'what is this role then' and he knew I was really keen on the job. It's a huge deal to get it, in lots of ways.

OP posts:

Zinxie · 15/02/2015 23:47

So he's inconsistent and can be 'icily cold'. Ouch!

Is he on the Asperger scale?

wobblebobblehat · 16/02/2015 09:30

Forgot your 50th as well?

I think maybe you should forget him...

hijk · 16/02/2015 09:34

*So he's inconsistent and can be 'icily cold'. Ouch!

Is he on the Asperger scale?*

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Preciousbane · 16/02/2015 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohtheholidays · 16/02/2015 09:37

My DH might be the same.He's got a lot better since we've been together.But he could be very blank like that back at the beginning.I think it's because his Mum's like it.I love her but my god it's hard to have a conversation with her.it's like trying to get blood out of a stone.Yet her Mum,DH's nan is nothing like that.Completely opposite,great to talk to and very interested in what ever anyone else has going on.

Quiero · 16/02/2015 09:39

No it's not normal not to be pleased that you have a new job. I would suspect he doesn't want you to be in London. Is he seeing someone else? Have you been to his house?

LIZS · 16/02/2015 09:45

Is he much younger! Could he perhaps enjoy his time without you rather more an he lets on and fears that is threatened. Do you rely on him more than he on you ?

Phoenixfrights · 16/02/2015 09:45

Asperger does not = icily cold and inconsistent.

This man is not good enough for you. Ditch him

Zinxie · 16/02/2015 10:28

I rather agree with Phoenix!

My question,btw,wasn't implying aspergers equals icily cold and inconsistent.

Because that would be daft!

TendonQueen · 16/02/2015 10:44

He doesn't sound like a very nice person. You say he's kind and thoughtful at other times but the things you mention are two big let downs. I wonder if the kind and thoughtful stuff is, frankly, just normal stuff that anyone should expect me a partner. Don't settle for someone crap, which it sounds like he is.

grumpasaur · 16/02/2015 11:07

Actually, although I don't normally jump on the couch-psychology band wagon, I also wondered whether he may have some asbergers traits?

A good friend of mine dated someone who sounds very similar: pragmatic to a fault, and genuinely didn't understand why things like not saying congrats or forgetting to make a fuss out of big birthdays was a big deal... And got quite mean when she called him on it as his confusion would turn into frustration and an inability to cope.

He was later diagnosed as an adult... Would it be worth looking into, op?

Zinxie · 16/02/2015 11:09

Same here grumpasaur. Friends bf , aspergers, had the same gaps in awareness and patchy lack of responsiveness.

Original poster

reidfiona99 · 16/02/2015 21:33

So interesting and helpful, thank you. Grumpasaur, that's exactly what he does - gets mean when called on it. Genuinely doesn't see there's a problem. Maybe the kind stuff I see as kind is just normal partner stuff that I over-blow as I'm not used to people looking after me. I think this is common with long-term single parents.

OP posts:

KERALA1 · 16/02/2015 21:38

My mil is like this. You tell her good news or something exciting that has happened and she nods blank faced. She showed no emotion on meeting her first grandchild for example. I used to think it was cultural but that's not fair on Germans. Actually think now she is just a very strange person and we see very little of her.

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