In disbelief

[RYDONRUTH]

I had a work away weekend just gone. I am a senior female in my organisation. 2 kids, littlest 7 months, went back after 4. One more senior (pissed) male colleague had a massive go at me about being cold, aloof, basically any gendered critique going. Then he was banging on about what I look like and how many affairs he had had and how much better he is than me. Basically it was awful. I said very little. I have decided I am best off being so warm and friendly he will prefer aloof. I can make all the effort for years if needs be but he will never have my trust. What do you think I should do? I haven't told anyone about this, not least due to the humiliation and I now don't trust anyone at work particularly.

How very odd and inappropriate. Was he hitting on you in some strange way?!

I would either challenge him directly and let him know how uncomfortable he made you, report him to hr or his line manager, or most likely, carry on as normal, have as little to do with him as practical and avoid being in the presence of him and alcohol.

Subtle sexist attitudes abound in lots of UK Boardrooms I'm afraid. Most staff don't see it because they don't get that close to the top. Sometimes the HR Director is female and that department generally isn't respected probably because it's run by a woman.

I'm a PA and it's very depressing.

Sounds like a drunken oversharing moment though. He probably can't even remember what he said. I would avoid him and always be very careful who you share information at work with. Sadly, no one is truly your friend at work.

Was anybody else present when he said any of this?

Thanks ladies. It is fairly depressing. We are both too senior for me to be going to HR or anything like that. Subtle sexism becoming overt because of alcohol. I find it in the few older women at my level too which is even worse. I'll keep smiling and playing the game!

He sounds massively insecure in himself and jealous of you to me.

Cold and aloof = you don't respond to his bullshit or kiss his arse.

The way you look = not even relevant to a work scenario, he is trying to hurt you because he is intimidated by you.

How many affairs he has had = totally jealous of your settled home life and desperately needs to prove that someone, anyone, "loves" him.

How much better than you he is = you are actually way better than him and he can't cope with it.

Going forward I would use lots of sympathetic smiles and head-tilts when dealing with him, but give NOTHING away.

Agree with Yamababe.

He is probably threatened by you and unintentionally blurted it out when he was drunk. What an arse. I would rise above it and keep him at arms length.

How horrid that the older women are just as bad. Sigh.

If I had daughters I would be advising them to look very carefully at their career ideas and consider jobs where there are women at all levels of the organisation. The only organisation I have worked where that applies is Local Government where four out of seven directors were women.

Yamababe, thank you. That makes lots of sense. What a lot of bullshit when I just want to feed the family and do a good job!