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Original poster

Team member blanking / ignoring me

79 replies

Idiotdh · 23/10/2014 21:51

I rejoined a team recently that I was part of a few years ago. At that time I was friendly with and worked closely with a certain colleague.
For some reason now he doesn't even register me in the room, sits elsewhere during breaks and doesn't speak to me or include me in anything unless its absolutely necessary.
I just don't know why he is doing this...is he afraid of the competition? Does he dislike me? It's as if he wants me out of the team. It's not that we don't know each other very well...we do!

OP posts:
flowery · 24/10/2014 12:22

Of course there might be perfectly valid reasons for his behaviour, but that doesn't mean he doesn't come across as rude.

Original poster
Idiotdh · 24/10/2014 14:32

Yes of course I have a problem... We were friendly before. Also maybe he is annoyed about my work but doesn't like to say.
I didn't say I won't speak about it, just I want to give it some thought first. He doesn't like confrontation and might report to seniors I ave confronted him and 'What does she want me to do?!'

It's a bit awkward but it might be better if I ask if everything is ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Idiotdh · 24/10/2014 14:33

He is not rude, but I know him well enough to know I am being blanked.

OP posts:
peppaistired · 24/10/2014 14:46

Is he your friend? Do you work directly with him?
Depending on the situation, you could ask him if he's OK, or have you done something to upset him.

It seems really childish but I know very well what work environments are like. You always get a lot of childish behaviours, masked in passive aggression and silent treatment.

If I were you, I'd address it informally with my line manager, if you have to work closely with him. If it doesn't stop, it's a form of bullying so it has to be addressed by the employer if it's affecting you and your performance.

Otherwise, just ignore him. Maybe he's got other problems in his mind.

Original poster
Idiotdh · 24/10/2014 14:52

He was my friend, yes and worked closely for two years .I moved away for a short while and when I came back I was in a different dept and I didn't see him much. Then we crossed paths a bit more and now we are back in same dept but he is distant and off, with some impact ion on work because he is not communicating with me directly unless absolutely necessary.Its. All a bit odd, but if he wants to be distant, then asking him about it is just a bit embarrassing.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 24/10/2014 14:56

Can you identify the things that are causing a professional issue and ask him about those (eg could you ask me directly when you want the quarter end numbers as sometimes Bob in accounts is so busy, it takes him a couple of days to pass it on?)

Original poster
Idiotdh · 24/10/2014 15:09

When he wants something to be done, or there is something to be done together, he asks someone else. Which is not against the rules as such but may not be fair..these things / opportunities should be divided up fairly.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 24/10/2014 15:11

Have those people been in the department all along?

Original poster
Idiotdh · 24/10/2014 15:14

No, and they also need the opportunities, but not every time.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 24/10/2014 15:16

Ok

As I said, I think you need to forget the friend thing. Can you say to him or to another senior person "I've noticed X and Y get more projects than me, can I be considered for the next new project, is there anything I need to do to be prepared for new projects?" Etc.

sweetheart · 24/10/2014 15:18

Is there any chance he is being off with you because you were close when you worked together before and he considered you to be friends, then you made no effort to keep in contact with him and now you're back on the scene wanting to be friends again?

Original poster
Idiotdh · 24/10/2014 15:21

Maybe, he has done a lot for me and I am really grateful for that.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 24/10/2014 15:24

Is he senior to you now when he wasn't before?

Original poster
Idiotdh · 24/10/2014 15:27

He was much more senior to me before, now I have gone through some of the ranks we are on the same level...except he is still more senior in terms of years at this level.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 24/10/2014 15:33

Are you the same level as the other team members getting projects?

Was he more like a mentor before and now feels you don't need that?

Original poster
Idiotdh · 24/10/2014 15:38

Yes possibly. Although another person in similar situation and same level as me also mentored by him and he is the same as before with him, totally different with me. If I ask him, I know he will answer in this way...however I don't think it is the truth.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 24/10/2014 15:53

You mustn't ask him why he is "different with you", you really mustn't.

He owes you equivalent professional treatment and that is it. If you aren't getting it, which it seems you aren't, follow up on that basis.

Original poster
Idiotdh · 24/10/2014 16:10

Not sure he owes me or is doing anything wrong, it's just a but awkward.
Why not ask? ( I haven't as it will be counter productive and make matters worse)
We tend, in our groups, to get quite friendly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Idiotdh · 24/10/2014 16:11

Both in work and out of work events .

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 24/10/2014 16:32

I've got to say, I'm quite confused now.

If it's impacting you professionally, bring it up at work. If it's not, but it just feels a bit awkward because you're not friends now, then don't.

I hope it works out for you though.

sweetheart · 24/10/2014 16:39

Have you had more than a "friend" relationship with this bloke in the past?

LineRunner · 24/10/2014 16:45

In what way did he do a lot for you?

Original poster
Idiotdh · 25/10/2014 11:20

Just training and helpful.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 25/10/2014 12:10

Do you think he feels snubbed by you?

Original poster
Idiotdh · 25/10/2014 12:25

Threatened, or snubbed, or just doesn't like me anymore I don't know which ...I am as stumped as all of you.

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