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Original poster

Working full time as children get older... Harder, not easier!

60 replies

Softcookie · 08/05/2014 20:42

So much is written about how hard it is to go back to work after having babies, the agony of leaving them, the childcare logistics, the stress... And hardly anything about parenting older children when working full time.

I have 2 dcs aged 8 and 6. I remember how relieved i was to go back to work when they were little, i was a zombie cos they were not sleeping but i was secure in their childcare and delighted to be in the company pf adults during the day. I didn't miss the long hours of intense physical work that is dealing with babies and toddlers!

But now.... I find it so much harder. Partly its because they are fun, they are people. Partly because they are growing so fast it hurts. Partly because i feel their needs are not as easily met by non - parents... Homework, friendship, after school activities etc. so i feel they need me more, and that I'm missing out on the best years. Im afraid ill blink and they'll be gone.

Part time unfortunately not an option in my v high pressured environment... Am i mad to think about giving up work now? Anyone else feels the same?

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PrincessOfChina · 08/05/2014 20:45

I agree. My DD is still only 3 but I miss her much more, and would much rather have more time with her now than when she was tiny.

I would like to see an option to return to work at 6 months, with the option of taking 3 months in one block (paid as per your maternity arrangements) at any time prior to school age.

PortofinoRevisited · 08/05/2014 20:49

I agree too. The needs of small children are simple. I find it MUCH harder these days. Dd is 10 - it has been ramping up over the last couple of years. Leaving work early so she can go to Brownies. Some low level bullying. Homework. Friendship issues and fallings out - even leading to bed wetting and coming in bed with mum and dad a couple of years back. Hormones starting to kick in. A million questions you are supposed to have all the answers too. Extreme sensitivity - ie if DH and I ever argue she gets extremely upset.

littleredsquirrel · 08/05/2014 20:54

Mine are the same ages as yours and its very difficult. They are very easy to look after as babies/toddler compared to when they're older and need running around everywhere, help with homework etc.

I'm also exhausted. In fact I might go to bed!

PortofinoRevisited · 08/05/2014 20:54

Princess, we are in Belgium and we still have 3 months Parental leave to take each before she is 12. It is unpaid - but it can be taken in chunks. I am seriously thinking about it now - when and how. My boss will be proper pissed off but cannot refuse it. Dd will change primary for the last 2 years for logistical/access to Secondary school reasons. She is OK with the idea - she has some other friends/neighbours at the new school but I am thinking of booking PL for September as I think it might be a bit traumatic.

tigerdriverII · 08/05/2014 20:57

I agree: and I think it gets more intense. I only have one child, who's now 12. I returned to work when he was a few months old, FT, and didn't regret that for one moment. However it's now I'd like to have more time with him - for the things that he really needs me for, rather than the nose wiping stage. I have a lot of autonomy in my role which helps. If I didn't I'd really want to rethink things.

PortofinoRevisited · 08/05/2014 20:57

Softcookie - I would hang fire a bit longer though if I was you. Give it another year.

littleblackno · 08/05/2014 21:01

I agree, mine are the same age as yours. Iprefer them now. Not that I haven't always loved them but they are nicer to spend time with.
I agree that their needs are harder to meet with paid childcare.
I fortunately work part time - although that brings its own stresses in my job - I can't really envisaged a time when I would want to work full time.

bringonyourwreckingball · 08/05/2014 21:07

I completely agree. Good quality childcare meets their needs fairly well when they are tiny, provide you have quality time out of work, but the older they get the harder it is. I'm so tired of having to say 'no' to after school clubs because they don 't fit with childcare and trying to fit homework into the few hours a week I.'my home with them without it all getting stressful and shouty.

Original poster
Softcookie · 08/05/2014 21:07

Thanks all. I dont know what to do. Doesn't help that i don't enjoy my very stressful job and have v little flexibility.

Mostly i want to be there for them a bit more.... Idk. Thinking of career changing but not sure what would allow me to be more present. Im exhausted

Portofino, your option of PL sounds excellent, do it if you can. Am in an another european country with the most unfamily friendly policies ever. :(

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Original poster
Softcookie · 08/05/2014 21:08

Yes bringyourown. Exactly.

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PenelopeKeeling · 08/05/2014 21:10

I too think there's far too much emphasis on staying at home with little babies when actually as long as they are well-cared for physically they're fine, but I think in many ways it's better to work hard when they are tiny and aim for being more senior/flexible when they are older. That's what I'm planning, anyway.

stillenacht1 · 08/05/2014 21:11

I agree too. DS1 is 14, about to start GCSEs and DS2 is 10. He has severe autism. The older they have got, the tougher it's got on me, unsurprisingly with the physical demands of a severely autistic 10 year old. Consequently I am, for the sake of family life and my own mental health, scaling back work next year- big pay cut but DS1 needs me not to be so knackered to help him and DS2 needs me around more for the increasing number of HCPs etc who are getting involved with him (and social workers) as he gets older.

PortofinoRevisited · 08/05/2014 21:14

And puberty!

lyndie · 08/05/2014 21:15

Agree op, far more emotional demands than when they were babies!

I now work freelance which I appreciate not everyone can do but it means I can be there for all the activities and other stuff.

OublietteBravo · 08/05/2014 21:22

I totally agree. Mine are 10 and 8, and I'm seriously considering dropping to PT. I've always worked FT in the past, but I just feel they need my support now (especially with homework).

Original poster
Softcookie · 08/05/2014 21:22

Stillenacht - thanks for sharing and good luck!

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IwishIwasmoreorganised · 08/05/2014 21:27

Due to a series of childminder problems, I was lucky enough to be able to change jobs to one with flexible hours which are based around school hours (not school holidays). It meant a drop in grade but has been a great move for us as a family (not for my career or pension though!).

Our ds's are now 6 and 8 and ds1 in particular is benefitting from me being able to take him to school and collect him each day. School are far more likely to have a word with me about issues while they remain small than I think they would have been if I wasn't there each day. I'm also able to let them flop on the sofa if I can see that they're tired, or encourage a bit of extra reading or guitar etc on other days.

I can see that me being around before and after school will be more and more beneficial as they get older.

CookieDoughKid · 08/05/2014 21:31

Completely agree. Mine are 4 and 6 and now with after school clubs and ferrying the kids around, homework etc..I miss it all. I work full time, including commute I barely see my kids maybe just 30 minutes a day, and often not at all.

I really wonder what for. I'm selling up and moving to a cheaper area to live. I will reduce my mortgage by a third so that will help provide me more options in changing careers.

I'm well educated, have very well paid job in the city and I'm a mother who pays for more childcare hours than what my primary role should actually be taking care of (mothering my children).

.its feels like bullshit to me all this equality stuff because I feel like I am paying a huge price for missing out on my children.

My hubby works full time and he is often abroad.

The cost of living in this country means two incomes is a must to have the kind that our parents used to have with a stay at home mother in my opinion.

meditrina · 08/05/2014 21:32

When they get older, it all gets easier (from start of secondary onwards, really).

Those primary years in the middle were the ones I found by far the hardest to work round.

TheDayOfMyDoctor · 08/05/2014 21:34

Completely agree OP. I never had any pangs of guilt when DS was in nursery but I find it really hard not to be there for him more now he's at school. I work 4 days a week and I'd love to be able to pick him up from school, do his homework with him and more importantly just spend time with him reading, playing, whatever. I really hate the days I have to work in the school holidays too.

We're trying to really make the most of weekends now and avoid getting caught up in the usual jobs and tasks - days out, spending time together at home, having family DVD nights etc. childcare isn't a huge issue for us so far, even in the holidays, I just wish I could be there for him more while he's young and still happy to hang out with his parents!

BalloonSlayer · 08/05/2014 21:38

I have been saying to loads of people how surprised I am by how much more the older DCS seem to need me now they are 13 and 12.

It is partly to do with the fact that they are expected to be more independent by the school, but they still need a lot of help and advice (and nagging).

But it is also I think because they rarely want to talk, but when they do it is at funny times. I am lucky that I work school hours so when they do shuffle into the kitchen for a chat I am there.

It reminds me of a teenage version of the toddler behaviour in a park, where they will appear to be running off. They will run further if you chase them, but if you sit down on a bench you'll find they won't go more than (what was it?) 100 yards away, because although it looks like they are running away, they are not, they want to be able to feel intrepid but still feel safe by keeping you in sight.

stillenacht1 · 08/05/2014 21:44

Agree BalloonslayerSmile my 14 yr old really needs me now, it's now or never really. I was working and dealing with so much autism stuff for DS2, I need time for him. I need not to be so knackered when I get back from work (am a teacher) that I have the energy to help/research/guide him through GCSEs.

Coveredinweetabix · 08/05/2014 21:51

One of my colleagues have up work when her children were 14 & 12 as she was worried that her 14yo was going to go "off the rails" (to quote her) and that she just needed to be around more to keep an eye on what she was up to, support her with homework etc.
Another colleague has a 9yo & 7yo and the 9yo will be doing the 11+ in 18mths time (they live in a grammar school area) and she is thinking of giving up. One of her issues is that she's realised that the 9yo's maths is beyond the abilities of their after school nanny so he is not getting any support with his maths homework during the week.
My DC1 starts school in Sept and I am just beginning to realise how easy it has been to have access to nursery from 7.30am - 6.30pm 51 weeks a year. The school she is going to offers no wraparound care & I've realised that, if she goes to a cm, she won't get to do any after school activities. Which leaves the option of an after school nanny, meaning our childcare costs will actually increase when DC1 goes to school.

500smiles · 08/05/2014 21:57

Agree wholeheartedly, I've increased my hours with another p/t job but finding it really hard going with a 10yo and 15yo - they can do lots of stuff for themselves, but when they shuffle through the door at the end of the day they want to flop down with me, a cuppa, and a listening ear to unburden their day to.

Original poster
Softcookie · 08/05/2014 21:58

This is so comforting! I thought I was the only one feeling like this.

Why does no one talk about it? I think it's hit me so hard also because I was unprepared. I genuinely thought the hard bit was behind me.

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