Working full time as children get older... Harder, not easier!

[Softcookie]

So much is written about how hard it is to go back to work after having babies, the agony of leaving them, the childcare logistics, the stress... And hardly anything about parenting older children when working full time.

I have 2 dcs aged 8 and 6. I remember how relieved i was to go back to work when they were little, i was a zombie cos they were not sleeping but i was secure in their childcare and delighted to be in the company pf adults during the day. I didn't miss the long hours of intense physical work that is dealing with babies and toddlers!

But now.... I find it so much harder. Partly its because they are fun, they are people. Partly because they are growing so fast it hurts. Partly because i feel their needs are not as easily met by non - parents... Homework, friendship, after school activities etc. so i feel they need me more, and that I'm missing out on the best years. Im afraid ill blink and they'll be gone.

Part time unfortunately not an option in my v high pressured environment... Am i mad to think about giving up work now? Anyone else feels the same?

But hearing you all it's become even more obvious to me that I need a plan b. this career is no longer sustainable.

I agree. Mine are 10 and 7 and I really think they need me more now than they ever did when they were babies. Unfortunately I am the main breadwinner and have a much more secure job than DH. I had hoped I might be able to start cutting back on work but I don't feel we're financially secure enough for that yet. I am thinking about changing my compressed hours arrangement though so that I can be home 2 afternoons a week rather than 1 whole day, nice though it is to have some child-free, work-free time.

It's mad isn't it. Childcare when they're tiny might be expensive but the hours that it's available are generally very job friendly.

Older dc's are not likely to confide in CM's or after school club staff. They really do need to have one of their parents around before and after school. The teenage years are still a way off for us, but with an increasing number of grunts as responses from ds1 I can see that we still have many challenges ahead that I want to be able to help them through.

I went PT last year when my oldest DC were 13 and 12. I had always been FT. Supporting them to become independent felt too important. I worked away in during the week in London for three years to save a bit of money. So yes, I have stalled my career for teenagers. We have cut back massively for me to finish at 4pm each day. But as someone said, it felt like now or never. I hope you can find a way to feel better about it.

They notice more too. Dd mentioned at Feb half term that few went to the holiday club. Apparently half were skiing and the other half had SAHMs. And she got to do an activity of her choosing and my guilt trip was complete.

I've only ever been part time, but always felt that as teenys anyone could do the feeding and watching, but once they are bigger and more independent and capable of mischief I wanted to be "there" a bit more

And as balloonslayer said...they do chit chat at odd times and I'd hate to have missed that transition as they start to lose the baby and find their way as a grown up.

I could in theory work PT. But it wouldn't work. Like now I would be expected to respond to emails etc. It would be stupid of me to lose pay and holiday.

Really interesting thread. I went back to work for 3 years to a fairly intensive job, but then gave up work when DC1 was 4 and started school. I found school so much less parent-friendly than I'd expected. There is a big expectation that parents will be there for meetings / shows / helping out at funny (day)times.

People bang on about employers being more flexible but really schools make things so much harder.

I agree that nurseries make your life easy - they feed the children three proper meals a day for a start.

Now I'd love to work again but I'm not sure how I'd manage to keep being there for my kids. I look at my friends who work full time (quite a few teachers) and they find it really hard.

Dd is 16 feel she needs me around more now- I am freelance so work p/t. It goes so fast- in two years she will be independent( we hope).

I know what you mean, I thought that when my children were older I'd be able to focus on developing my career but it's not like that. It feels more important to be available to them while they take their exams than when they were wee tots.

I work but it's not a career I enjoy, it's what I do to be around for them - the career I want seems just beyond my fingertips. I accept that's my choice though.

op. Hope you can find a way. Is there any way you can make some small changes happen or is there no flexibility and a big change required?

I keep fantasising about home education because I
love spending time with my two (9 and 7).

I just engineered a redundancy because my company's restructuring and new org chart meant the job they wanted me to do would mean weeks of foreign travel each year and proper 9-5 rather than my long pt but kid friendly and flexible hours. My kids are 10 & 9. DS1's AS means they BOTH need me lots after school. And with ds1 starting secondary school in sept, I felt home life was about to get miles more stressful. Good time to cash in my 20 odd years and pocket the redundancy.
Fuck knows how I'll find a job doing the hours I need. There is such competition for school hours jobs.

I love spending time with my 10 yo but never fantasise about HE. She is who she is because she is an independent person with feelings and wishes of her own who has had input from many different people over the years. Roots and wings is my motto. You love them, you let them know it and you let them go off and explore.

Thanks for the ray of hope, medi!

I think it's harder when they still need childcare before and after school, and the faff with non-pupil days (different between schools quite frequently here ), homework, not having any evenings is tough.

I'm not sure about when they are old enough to not need childcare - mine are - as it depends on the logistics of where you live and work. We're lucky - all schools in our town are walking distance from us, so they can do after school sports, drama etc. without needing picking up. Neither DH nor I have high-powered jobs that need long hours - we're there evenings and weekends, I have to travel overnight occasionally with work but no more than half a dozen times a year max.

If either of my DDs were to start struggling as teenagers I would definitely give up work.

I completely agree with you OP. It was much easier to work when they were 0-3. I'm fortunate now to be freelance so can do the school runs and after school stuff and wouldn't want it any other way. Do get annoyed with those mums that say oooh you can get a job now they're at school.... I think being around when they're not at school and in the school holidays is really important.

This

But it is also I think because they rarely want to talk, but when they do it is at funny times. I am lucky that I work school hours so when they do shuffle into the kitchen for a chat I am there

definitely applies to my teens / secondary age dc.
Yes, it's easier in that they can have a key and get themselves home from school and let themselves in, but in terms of "no-one else will do" then I'd say the older they get, the more you need to be around.
I'm so lucky that I can often be working from home at the time they get in, and they just 'check in' with me at that point.

I am finding it really really tough at the moment and totally get the it has got worse and the "now or never" bit. My 7 year old said to me the other day I just want you to pick me up from school, come home to a tidy house and you cook me dinner... I now work 4.5 days a week as I always ended up working on my "day off" and thought I might as well get paid. But it is just tooooo exhausting I have been doing this of 15 years now, I am 47 - have 4 kids - 3 teenagers (one SEN, one "challenging teen") - and a 7 year old...all at different schools I have totally lost the plot. The house is a pit I have no idea what they are doing at school - and even tho I have switched my hrs so that I am up at 5.30 to be in the office for 7am so that I can be home by 6 to "be there" for homework etc -- I am sooooo tired I can barely speak and really not much use to them. This week my boss told me to "take time out" - so I am off now for a week to "recharge".

My oldest (15, boy) is doing GCSEs now and I feel we have not been "on it" and he will not do as well as he could have - eg he told us the night before a 2000 word essay on 2 shakespear plays which is 40% of his exam had to be in - he hadnt read either play....

Work always comes first as it is very demanding and my family get what headspace/energy is left of me....the recession has been a nightmare financially - I just want to be a good Mum - my childrens childhoods are nearly over and I dont think I have given them my best. I dont want to have regrets and damage my children. I either need to find a better balance and keep struggling thru - or find the energy/motivation to sell up move areas so that i dont have to work. I think I need the confidence th "jump"

I feel the same, but, but, but...the financial implications of not working are so huge, all the govt help is geared to two parents working. The longer I don't work, the later my dh has to work before he can retire, while we all want our dc to have perfect childhoods, it could well be at the expense of being able to help with deposits, tuition fees, pay off our own mortgages etc. personally I'd rather the dc did their homework at school and school was reformed to support working parents better.

Gen, those are valid points. Ideally ... We shouldn't have to choose between a happy childhood and a secure adulthood ...

Deepest i know exactly where you are coming from xx

Me too...and yes comforting to hear I'm also not the only one. I've always worked full time and am LP, but its definitely getting harder with teens of 12 and 14 especially since ds2 is having real problems at school. Have also fantasized about home schooling, even more so, after having to work from home yesterday when he completely refused to go to school (yes,am extremely lucky in my employer!).... Am also in a job where hopefully can retire at 55 (am 51 now) am thinking that will be too late . Never have any money either, house is always a tip...

Thanks for this thread OP

I have no choice but to work full time. I earn about twice the amount DH does. We have recently stopped using after school club, mainly due to ignoring financial pressure. But DH works shifts, he can, with a little effort, pick the DC up from school.

I have recently changed my role (within the same firm) to enable me to work from home sometimes to be around to help more with homework, then I can pick up the work hours later in the evening.

I find now the DC's activities are much more work. We have 3 DC aged 9, 7 and 3. We have:
Monday dancing for DS (6-8ish) and DD1 (5.30-7.30)
Tuesday free
Wednesday karate for DD1 6.30 -7.30
Thursday dancing for DD2 (5.30-6.30 but this week she finished at 8!), DD1 (5.30-7.30) and DS (6-8) dancing often overruns, which is fine but they gave school the next say. I have been warned it gets worse closer to show time.
Friday Spanish lesson (3.30-4.30)
Saturday swimming for DD2 (4.30-5)
Sunday swimming for DS (9.30-10) and DD1 (10-10.30)

In addition, when there are shows they gave extra rehearsals. DS is in Evita next month and July. That will probably initially be Sundays 10-1.30, plus some after school and a couple of full Saturdays.

Also, DS and DD1 may be in Joseph in July so more rehearsals for that......

Not sure if it's been said already, but UK parents have the same entitlement to parental leave as Portofino outlined for Belgium. It's just not widely known!