Other mums returning to work full time- want to support each other?

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I just wondered if there are any other mums returning to work full time in the next few months who want to start a support thread? I am and I'm feeling really anxious. I'm also fed up at the shocked looks I get when I say I'm going back full time. It's not a choice but a necessity.

So anyone want to join and we can talk about how we are feeling and give some virtual hugs when needed?

This is such an interesting thread.

I went back fr after my ds1 when he was 11mo.

It was fine, probably because I was happy with childcare, short commute, fab supportive dh, like my job.

Now I'm off again with ds2 and I really don't know what to do about going ft or asking to go down to 4 days. Am veering towards ft for various reasons.

So this thread is helpful to me!

DS is ten weeks today. I'm going back to work tomorrow, as I have no more ML (not in the UK). Gulp. Fortunately only a few hours a week to begin with. My main worry is DP working nights, not sure how we're going to manage.

Lots of really valid points about maintaining friendships and interests outside of work. I do yoga one evening a week which is pretty sacred. I have some good friends there and we catch up after the class. I also go running one weeke mrning. Now the dc are a bit older (3 and 6) it is hard to choose between seeing their friends and mum or my friends with their dcwhen I have time off in the week without dpi eg in school hols.

Don't explain, don't complain is fantastic, thank you.

I also feel a lot less anxious about damaging my son in daycare, although I think I will try to maintain lunchtime breastfeed initially.

How have people managed the hand back from mat cover? I am quite concerned re this. I am fairly confident she is not more able than me but she'll have had 8 months fostering relationships with my contacts, and won't have had to deal with all the crap I had to deal with before I went off so I am concerned that she will bebetter pperceived than me.

The director has told me he wants to keep her on if his restructure plans are approved. The additional problem is we don't have a line manager at present - she was incompetent and eventually got rid of while I've been off. I see myself as a frontrunner for the role (when eventually it is advertised) but there are no guarantees.

If I end up on the same level as my replacement I will be very upset.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like that?

Massive good luck to those heading back Monday and Tuesday - fingers crossed it goes ok!

My maternity cover was crap (teacher) so at least I know my classes will be pleased to see me!

Back tomorrow, haven't slept well this last couple of nights, I suppose I'm feeling anxious about it all. Have been planning my lessons, sorting out work clothes, routines, meal planning, today will be batch cooking. It's all a bit hectic rather than enjoying the end of maternity leave. Probably shouldn't have left it all till the last minute, but Christmas was busy!

Want I think we are stuffed for when LO is ill and can see us both having to take a lot of family leave this first year. We have no family close by, no SAHM friends (who in any case would presumably not want their own children infected). I have a couple of single friends who work flexibly who might occasionally be able to step in, but no one I can really rely on. DP and me have agreed we will take alternate days off to look after LO; if we have pressing meetings then we will need to negotiate.

Re some of the discussion up thread. I find it hard not to get worked up about "the patriarchy" sometimes but I don't want to spend my time being bitter and angry about it as it does my mental health no favours. At the end of the day I have to live in the society we have (whilst of course working to change it subtly eg modelling an equal partnership to my kids).

I also don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, ie work long hours just because DP is working long hours... Ultimately I guess I think that it's not so much that women need to model how men act in the workplace, but that men could take on more of how women approach work.

I haven't read Lean In, but doesn't she basically advocates that you need to put career first? I do love my career, find it v rewarding, but if push came to shove I'd pick DS first, of course. I know many men who put career way above family and I'd hate to have that kind of relationship with my kids.

Luckily I work in the quasi public sector, in my organisation about 75% of staff are women. So sanity prevails. It is expected that people leave at 5pm and do build up and take time in lieu when overtime is necessary.

We also chat about our kids a lot and no one sees that as problematic. Not in work time but on lunch etc. or making small talk after a meeting - the way a bunch of guys might talk about sport. Actually, the men in our organisation are v similar and always showing you baby pics.

I previously worked in private sector professional services and can't imagine how parents cope... It would have been hell for me I think.

Yes, good luck to all those going back this week.

Bravelilbear I don't think you are bu at all. I can see what you mean- you don't want the excellent work you can do to be overshadowed by someone else's good work, just because theirs is fresher in everyone's minds. I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions how to proceed though but I sympathise!

Good luck. I always went back full time, a long time ago now and I have the wisdom of the years to say it really is all fine and lots of advantages for the children and families too. i was content to Lean In. Also my career was first not second in the marriage. Also we had back ups of back ups. You can always hire an emergency nanny. If you work at a loss that one day because of the cost that does not mean you are silly. It means you are preserving a career which could last you 40 years so it's a kind of investment in your reliability. Also befriend local old ladies many of whom are great with babies and happy to come over for a day if your child is off sick and childcare is hard to come by.

I also don't have any backup for when they are ill but DH and I alternate days. In that respect a cm is better than a nursery I think (nanny even better obviously) -my cm takes them with everything except vomiting / diarrhoea, they just have a peaceful day at home. If they are ill and want mummy of course I stay home but I have heard friends being called to pick their dc up from nursery because they have a cough / runny nose - CMs don't do that ime

I am back to work FT tomorrow. DS2 is 6 months old and will be going to nursery FT. I am lucky in that my working hours are fairly flexible so that I can take DS1 to school and then take DS2 to nursery. DS1 will go to a CM after school for a couple of hours each day. I will miss the boys, but overall I am looking forward to going back to work. It feels like I'm back to normal. I've enjoyed ML, but did feel a bit like I was living someone else's life (if that makes sense).

I've really enjoyed reading this thread. It's really reinforced my decision to work FT. Best of luck to all those going back tomorrow .

Bravelilbear, I understand the insecurity of having to hand back from your competent maternity cover who has had a year to impress your boss and colleagues. As I believe you are going back ft, you are in an excellent position to be back in people's faces to regain the confidence of your colleagues, particularly with your wealth of experience as compared with your cover. People will be watching you to see how your having children changes the way you work. In fact, some might already have assumed you would be less committed, not necessarily in a let's-write-her-off way but even in a well meaning way, but even that is somewhat insidious if these people have a say on your progression or bonus.

Which is why it is important to continue to show commitment and surprise your colleagues. "Don't complain, don't explain" is excellent, particularly if you work in a male-dominated environment (I don't know if you do). Continue to be flexible (work on blackberry at home or take calls occasionally) and cultivate back-up childcare. Don't always be the one to rush home when your dc is ill or childcare breaks down. If it is your dh doing it, casually let your colleagues know so that they know you are sharing the load with your dh and you are not automatically the one on the mummy track.

Of course, you won't be able to be as available as your childless colleagues or colleagues with SAHP partners, but every now and then select a few things that showcase your commitment that make the most impact on your colleagues, for example attending a work or social meeting outside your working hours that has a lot of senior management present or volunteer to come in for an important event on a day you are supposed to be working from home without making too much of a big deal of it.

It will challenge people's preconceptions and reinforce your commitment whilst continuing to deliver your excellent work on top of that. It sounds tiring but don't let go just because you are a parent. In the office, you are first and foremost an employee so just be mindful to take steps to preserve your position.

I write as a pt-er who returned from maternity leave who was usurped by my maternity cover and then subsequently as a maternity cover who usurped a maternity returner by my showing lots of flexibility and commitment despite my having 2 children.

Blueshoes its an interesting point you make about letting work know if your dh has taken time off for dcs illness etc.

When my ds had chicken pox earlier this year he had to stay off nursery for a week. We made alternative arrangments but there was still one day I couldn't cover so I had to take one day off. The cover manager (am a teacher) wanted to know why the burden wasn't being shared with my husband when in actual fact he had already done two days. (He's self employed).

I was quite exasperated and it made me wonder if I should tell them whenever my dh is covering illness so they know, even though really it's just nothing to do with them! But I agree it should be shared wherever possible as if its always the woman then you're really just saying your job is less important than your husband's.

The thing is, there are a few husband/wife couples on the staff at my school and they don't seem to insist on the same equality if either way it impacts on cover!!

What blues says x 10. Very wise advice.
Some women think they will be noticed if they just work hard adn keep their head down. Instead you have to do that and also do what many more men do too - which is publicise what you do, in a subtle sense show off, make sure they know how good you are not just that you happen to turn up 9 - 5. It's a kind of self marketing and picking carefully those things that matter.

I remember eg going to one set of lectures every quarter in a lunch hour when the oldest children were very little because the other set/group I could have joined which was similar had its lectures at 6pm every quarter which would have been much worse. So it was a tactical choice which worked best for me.

Also if you can reply very quickly to emails then whether you're in the bath at home or holding a screaming toddler at 7pm in the house you can still appear more efficient and better than someone flicking through the newspaper at 7pm in the office who is staying late to ensure his wife does the whole bed time routine before he saunters home for his dinner.

We work out in advance who'll take dp if we get the call,prevents that panic,gives order
It is absolutely clear It isn't automatically me cause I'm mum.we do try share equitably and time off.again this is a conversation with partner that you must share commitments and don't sleep walk to the mummy track.
If you've got no family near,or back up,I'd discreetly discuss with manager best to be transparent,so they know your situation .be clear you could take calls,work on PC etc when at home if this is applicable.

It used to drive me mad when nursery automatically rang me rather than DH, although they'd been told DH was 10 minutes away with a flexible job and I was an hour away. It was hard to bring it up without sounding heartless though.

I do the occasional meeting on my day off / lots of stuff in the evenings / extra stuff to show my commitment. I'm also always available by email. I also learnt very early on never to mention the fact I worked 4 days. If a meeting was scheduled for a Friday 'oh I'm not in that day', not 'I don't work Fridays'.

I am also worried people will think my maternity cover is better than me and not want me back. He's contracted till end of the financial year so there will be some overlap and anything he's been doing that works well I'll take on and run with it. Funnily enough despite being male, he also does the same full time over 4 days I do for childcare reasons.

Still, I've not been at work since 21 December 2012. Tomorrow I start again. Gulp.

Good Luck tomorrow everyone!!!

I was also very worried about my maternity cover being better than me, but once I had been back in the job a couple of weeks (and they had left) it was like I had never been away. He was 'alright' and it was left at that. My first mat cover was awful though and left my job in a right state!

I'm finding this thread very helpful as I'll be back at work Tuesday week after 10 months off and am a bit anxious. DP will look after DD who is 7 months old for 3 weeks, until she starts part time for the first six weeks at the creche where I work.

I think it will be fine because even though I have enjoyed the time at home, I also want to go back to work and do other things and see a wider variety of people. I look forward to having a family and work life, just have to try and be flexible I suppose and not expect too much.

Big hugs to everyone going back tomorrow. You will be great and just have this thread mantra 'don't complain, don't explain' to get you through. Oh and maybe treat yourself to a first day back nice lunch, even if it's just grabbing a sandwich and having a 'me time' 1/2 hour where you don't need to juggle kids and eat ;)

Thanks for this thread, it has inspired me to join an evening activity rather than just feeling sorry for myself about missing out on seeing mum friends during the daytime in the week/losing out on friendships

Re:friends.baby groups friendships are often forged to get though the fug of new baby
But they need a enduring rapport to endure,something other than baby stuff
Some baby group friendships will wane,some won't.if someone wants to see you to maintain rapport they need to compromise,see you AL or weekend.if they don't/won't then it will wane. It depends whether the friendship is adequate And can sustain a change
I did used to see someone I knew from baby group when I returned, but her near constant i do know how you do it Was an issue and mono topic of babies wasn't enough to sustain
I do maintain contact with few I met baby group,they all returned to work

Good luck to those going back this week!

Ime,the anticipatory nerves are worse than the reality,you'll all be fine
Ease in,absolute no dwelling,no guilt.just get in with it.and compartmentalise
Get all stuff. Ready tonight,big squirt perfume in morning you'll be good to go

Meringues I'm in a similar situation regarding illness as have no family nearby who could help, also DP works 100 miles away (and stays away most of the week). There will be days where he can cover though as he will be here first thing Monday and Thursday mornings, and is a permanent employee so does have some flexibility when it comes to time off. I'm a contractor and will try to avoid taking too much time off as the contract is only for a few months and don't want to jeopardise it.

Interesting reading about taking over from maternity cover - I'm quite lucky that I'm not in that position as I'm starting a new job in a new company. However, over the many years I've been working, I've done maternity cover roles three times. The first couple of times I can remember slightly insensitive comments when the person on maternity leave visited the office and colleagues said "it's been AWFUL here without you" in my presence! I didn't have the confidence back then to brush it off and it was really hurtful. The last time I did maternity cover, I was warned that the woman who was on maternity leave would feel insecure and probably be quite challenging to deal with, and then I was kept on anyway, which made things worse! During handover before she left, she was quite relaxed and said just to do things my way, then when she came back she picked over all my work and criticised everything. I left soon after anyway as found a better job! Anyway, not everyone behaves like that but it does feel really good to be doing something new and meeting new people when I go back in a week's time.

By the way, working on the principle 'the more you do, the more you can do', I'm hoping going back to work will give me the motivation to do some of the things I never got round to doing on maternity leave, such as reading books and also going out to the pub once in a while (even if it means having to hire a babysitter). I've also recently taken up weight training, which I do with a personal trainer on Sat mornings, so will keep that up and also do my exercises at home in the evening.

Good luck to everyone going back tomorrow - do report back!