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Original poster

Other mums returning to work full time- want to support each other?

476 replies

Tweet2tweet · 29/12/2013 21:52

I just wondered if there are any other mums returning to work full time in the next few months who want to start a support thread? I am and I'm feeling really anxious. I'm also fed up at the shocked looks I get when I say I'm going back full time. It's not a choice but a necessity.

So anyone want to join and we can talk about how we are feeling and give some virtual hugs when needed?

OP posts:
meringuesnowflakes33 · 05/01/2014 21:56

I'm hoping the same, Eagleray!

Laughing at befriending little old ladies. Has anyone here used sitters.co.uk? Thoughts??

Sleepstarved · 05/01/2014 22:13

You all seem like such confident, career women.
Don 't get me wrong, I am in a really good job, one of the best in my field but I just don't have the same passion for it anymore.
I wouldn't go back at all if I didn't have to financially.
DD1 may have SEN and I feel one of us needs to be around and DH and I are both very protective of her and with DD2 I am enjoying having a baby without all those kinds of worries.
I sound really wet but I don't want to miss out of them being little. For me, I don't think I'll be someone who will look back when I am old and wish I had worked more. But then maybe I am just saying that as there is no prospect of me being able to stop anyway!

JetSetWilly · 05/01/2014 22:25

Am signing in and will join in more when I have some time as I'm frantically getting all paperwork housework done and enjoying the last few days with my DCs before I return full time on Wednesday. I cannot wait!

Have had a mixture of part time work maternity and consultancy work whilst the DCs were young and now ready to go back. During that time I've also studied and now having passed my exams I need to work to qualify (the consultancy work having dried up).

I have managed to get a job locally (9-5) after sending my cv on spec so after working in the city for the last 15 ish years this feels like part time anyway! I should be able to walk the children to school before work and then be home by 5:30

My eldest is at school and my youngest is starting this September. I would have preferred starting full time in September but beggars can't be choosers... I'm a lone parent and it was getting hairy on the money front. I also really enjoy working so was finding it very hard being at home when youngest was at nursery.

Looking forward to chatting to you all and good luck to all those starting this week!

scottishmummy · 05/01/2014 22:31

You know what a little front goes long way. You act confident,folk are reassured
Also I read it's that reality check.you're employed because you can do job
Employer has that faith in you.you too need faith.so good luck all returners

StealthPolarBear · 05/01/2014 22:38

Scottish yu mention Steve Biddulph used to write in support of nurseries, do you know what changed?

scottishmummy · 05/01/2014 22:41

I read he claimed he had some epiphany that capitalism was omnipotent,killing families etc
So he wrote a for profit book,made money telling others what to do
Oh the irony

StealthPolarBear · 05/01/2014 22:43

When i read it that bit (and that bit only) sounded like it had been written by a man running a cult! So that would explain it

StealthPolarBear · 05/01/2014 22:44

Iirc he was happy for fathers to work wasn't he? Part of the capitalist machine. Just not the mummies

scottishmummy · 05/01/2014 22:46

Read him v carefully he uses caveats like I don't need facts,this isn't about science
He's oft quoted by the precious moments crew,to try substantiate nursery is grim
He is much loved by people who like OJames.that affluenza,women know yer place psychobabble

scottishmummy · 05/01/2014 22:49

The brand of capitalism that keeps women at home,buying men's pants,domestic stuff
Yes both oj and biddulph think female should be primary carer.ok men work mind
Essentially patriarchy reworked with smattering of woo it's science

working9while5 · 05/01/2014 23:43

Nursery staff sometimes do babysitting, this has been great for us! Not all settings allow it but great if you can sort a regular sitter.

working9while5 · 05/01/2014 23:45

Also I seem to recall there is some caselaw about splitting childcare cover equally btw man and woman.. too late to google but think you are supposed to show equal effort for it to count as discrimination if they kick up fuss about it.. or something like that

Want2bSupermum · 06/01/2014 03:09

I have no family or friends close by that are able to look after the kids - we live 3000 miles away from our parents and siblings! I have sought out people who can help us with cover. One person is an owner of a restaurant. Her waitstaff are often not busy during the day and she has sent over one of her girls to look after DD before. You need people who are available during the day on short notice. My neighbour who looks after the kids has three children. One works early hours in the morning and the other works in a restaurant. If my neighbour can't look after the DC her kids can split the work between them. Get to know your neighbours... See who works, who likes kids, who is home in the mornings, afternoons etc. 16-18 year olds can make great sitters during their holidays.

meringuesnowflakes33 · 06/01/2014 07:48

Sadly all the nurseries round here ban key worker babysitting... I know as I asked on all the visits!

I wouldn't trust any of the teeny boppers on our street to look after my 1 yo! But sure this will get easier as he gets older...

Poor little sausage slept through last night, he only ever does that when he's ill. He hasn't thrown up since Saturday night so debating whether to take him for his settling in session this morning...

atthestrokeoftwelve · 06/01/2014 08:46

elfontheshelf- I know exactly where you are coming from.

When I had my first child I had a great career as a research scientist. I had fully intended to go back to work full time when my baby was 6 months- I wanted to and we needed my income.

When the time came though I felt very differently.
Staying home with my baby felt the most important thing for me.

We sold our house and moved to cheap rented accommodation.
I became self employed and worked part time from home, fitting my hours around my baby's naps and when my OH was home from work.

Everyone thought I was mad- my family told me I was throwing away my career, friends thought I was nuts- I came in for a lot of criticism.

Now that mey children are almost adults I look back and don't regret my decision for one moment.

I am still self employed- the business proved lucrative, we managed to buy another house some years down the line but most of all I have enjoyed that very fleeting time of my children's early years.

LauraBridges · 06/01/2014 08:57

And I don't regret for one minute going back full time when they were very small, best decision I ever reached. Life has been very very good. So we all take our own decision on these things.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 06/01/2014 09:17

Laurabridges- of course- we all have different priorities.

minipie · 06/01/2014 11:23

I also learnt very early on never to mention the fact I worked 4 days. If a meeting was scheduled for a Friday 'oh I'm not in that day', not 'I don't work Fridays'.

This is an interesting point. I'm not sure I would do this. People are going to figure it out at some point surely, so why not be open?

Similarly I'm not sure I will follow the advice about sending emails at 7pm during bedtime, or attending meetings on my day off work, or outside work hours, just to show commitment. I'm not going to interrupt my time with DD unless it's absolutely necessary (just as DD will not interrupt my time at work unless absolutely necessary).

That said, in my case I've been mummy tracked anyway, simply by virtue of going 4 days a week. I don't think any amount of being seen to be keen will change this sadly. So I've nothing to gain by extra work. It would be different if I was the main earner and needed/wanted promotion.

meringuesnowflakes33 · 06/01/2014 11:51

Minipie I agree. I like that the culture in my current workplace does not expect employees to work overtime in evenings etc, which I don't think is conducive to a healthy work life balance.

I think balance will be the key word going forward...

blueshoes · 06/01/2014 12:04

Minipie, if you are resigned - I would not say 'happy', because you probably are not - to being sidelined on the mummy track (as I was when my dcs were very young and I was a pt-er), I can understand why you don't feel you have to take any of the advice mentioned.

I find that now my dcs are schoolage and I am working ft, I am less tolerant of being unfairly sidelined. I also need the money now that the children are getting more expensive so I now WANT promotions and bigger bonuses for my efforts, even though dh is the main earner. FWIW, I took both my maternity leaves and went pt in one job. Then slipped off my overtly mummy cloak, changed jobs and reinvented myself as a ft-er in my new firm - that way, there was no history of my being on the mummy track and I could be evaluated on a clean slate.

In other words, feel free to thrash your commitment credentials in one job and then re-surface in another if and when you are ready.

LauraBridges · 06/01/2014 13:54

Thre is always that difference. I lean in and earn quite a bit and am more than happy to send emails at any time. Other women and a good few men don't. We all just take the choices we want and they lead to particular results. As long as all mean and women know the consequences of leaning in and out there is clarity and people make an informed choice.

Changing jobs for promotion and higher pay can be a very good plan and a fresh start if you can find another job. Women tend to stick in the same job too long whereas higher pay usually comes through a good few sensible career moves to different employers asking for more pay every time you move.

meringuesnowflakes33 · 06/01/2014 14:51

Ok so a question for those who have been there before... If you had a baby who howled like mine every time he was left... How many settling in sessions/ full days did it take until that stopped??

EagleRay · 06/01/2014 15:00

I'm a first timer but DD has been at nursery since oct. She's been fine when left apart from last few sessions where she's clung to me and screamed! Each time though, she's stopped crying as soon as I've left.

No idea how helpful that is - I accept that DD may do this sometimes but what's important to me is that she soon settles and enjoys the rest of the session.

She cries when I turn up to get her too Confused

Original poster
Tweet2tweet · 06/01/2014 15:11

To reassure regarding the crying. It is temporary and a phase linked to separation anxiety. Most likely once you are out of sight the crying stops and smiles start. Then when you're back they start again because little one sees you and thinks 'yeah, forgot you'd gone, will cry now and forget again in 20 mins'! Some argue that it is healthy for kids as they learn that you may go but you also come back and this develops a strength. Main thing is to be consistent with drop off and pick up times and don't have lengthy, emotional farewells. A confident hug and kiss goodbye is best.

Easier said than done I know but it does get better. I talk from experience.

OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 06/01/2014 15:19

mini It boils down to the dont explain part of 'dont complain, dont explain'. If someone wants a meeting on Friday you are not available. Let them figure out why. If you explain they will put you on the mummy track and you can kiss career progression goodbye.

Just because you are working four days a week doesn't have to mean you are on the mummy track unless that is what you want. Plenty of men and women are on 4 day schedules at my employer and get promoted with their peer group because they have demonstrated the required skills to perform at the next level.

meringue DD started daycare at 3 months so never cried once until she was almost 2. She cries now when we leave the house but the trick is to distract her. As soon as we have left she gets on with the day. DS is 10 months and hasn't cried once.