Other mums returning to work full time- want to support each other?

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I just wondered if there are any other mums returning to work full time in the next few months who want to start a support thread? I am and I'm feeling really anxious. I'm also fed up at the shocked looks I get when I say I'm going back full time. It's not a choice but a necessity.

So anyone want to join and we can talk about how we are feeling and give some virtual hugs when needed?

Hi all. Great idea for a thread, I'm worrying about going back at the end of February. DS will be (only) just over a year so I'm wondering whether to just wean him completely in the day and breastfeed morning and evenings only. We're still doing on demand at the moment though he's a reasonable eater. I'm sad about stopping and don't know how to go about it. As a side issue, I hate my job.

Minipie Sometimes you need to let the ball drop. DH didn't have snow boots for DD and it snowed. He called me to tell me that DD needed snow boots and I told him that he needed to sort it out through getting them 2nd hand or driving around. Two days later he didn't have any so I called around and found them in toysrus for $4.19. I had him pick them up.

Christmas cards are sent out by DH. His mother complained about not getting a card and said it was my job. I told DH if he could mail Christmas cards to his customers he could do the family ones at the same time. It took three years but he is doing them now.

I don't put up with the status quo. We are told all the time that we should be caring, sweet, quiet and put others ahead of ourselves. Forgot that. If I don't look after myself I can't look after anyone else. If he wants to get laid I need time to exercise so I have some energy, therefore he needs to look after the kids/ get the breakfast table ready/ get the kids dressed.

FreeWee Don't worry. At 10 months they need 12-14 hours of sleep a day. If you know the child slept for 8 hours during the night then communicate that to the CM. I found that my DC fit into the schedule set in daycare after about a week. The open communication comes from the parents not from the CM. They know what they are doing. With DS he sleeps in the stroller all the time for up to 3 hours at a clip.

I've done all the variations of work and SAHM I think - my DC are 5 & 7 now. With DC1 I returned 3 full days - that was fine and a good balance but the drop in salary was big. I then took redundancy and had DC2 and was a SAHM for 2.5 years. I enjoyed it and, with a toddler and a baby, was happy to be at home. I then worked freelance for 2 years juggling school nursery and school picks up - found this quite stressful and difficult to manage. Now all DC are at school, I am working 30 hours a week but trying to compress a full time job into that time as the job is no different!

Now the DC are older it is the right balance for me and I am glad I was home when they were little. It hasn't done my career too much harm as I have kept my hand in. Keeping on the career ladder is always the argument put forward for not taking a career break, but it doesn't seem to have played out that way for me, so I wouldn't say it is not a defacto outcome. Without a doubt though, being at home with 2 preschoolers is a very hard job. I find being at work much easier than being at home, mainly due to the headspace you get - though I guess it depends on the stress levels of your job.

I don't think of my children at all during work hours and switch roles the minute I leave.

I don't frame work discussion around the kids,if I can't make meeting I say can't make it
I don't say can't make it because domestic commitments I just offer an alternative date/time
I'm not defined solely by having kids,I'm not solely defined by being mum.its multi-factorial

I live by lists.amazon prime is useful for sending gifts,birthday stuff too
Dp sorts his own cards,present,he's adult up to him to remember who and what
I don't see it as my role to chivvy him along about occasions,anymore than he chivvy me

I like the sound of the 'don't complain, don't explain', thanks for that tip Supermum!

This is a great thread - and thank you very much to the posters who have been there and done it for contributing, it's so helpful. scottishmummy I agree 100% with everything you have said. DH doesn't feel guilty for going to work, why on earth should I? Ultimately it's all for the benefit of our family as a whole.

I was wondering - how do you handle talking about your child(ren) at work? I am guessing it's best to keep it to a minimum, but am sure I'm going to be bombarded with questions. photo requests etc when I go back and don't want to seem rude.

Well said wanttobesupermum....
Yeah we all do those sound bites.....because there is this antagonistic conversation around stay at home versus working mum. We should be grateful when we have the choice really, for either of thoses paths.

Baby photos etc,well I sent some to colleagues when on mat leave,on return chose moment
It's legitimate to talk about baby but you don't want to become the I'm bereft I'm guilty cryer
I sent some the weekend before I went back,so they all saw,and nice way keep in touch

Tweet No one has ever asked about my availability but if they ever said something like that I would say something sharp like, 'Why would you think that?' and walk away. It is none of their business as to why you are not available. I try my best to not do calls after 5pm and I ask why they are scheduled for an hour. Our office hours are until 6pm so I don't see why we are scheduling calls after work hours. Hardly fair on the other teams who don't work late.

Thanks scottishmummy I understand what you mean, that makes sense.

Great thread - I'm back at work next week working FT compressed over 4 days, with 9m DS going to nursery. FT in my place tends to mean 50+ hours so I'm a bit concerned about how it's going to work out but feeling confident I can make it work (somehow!) with the aid of Blackberry and laptop after DS is in bed.

Freewee - if it helps, my DS has a similar routine to yours at home with a 2 hour sleep in the afternoons. He's been doing a day a week at nursery since Oct and has not yet managed more than a 30 min long sleep there, but it really hasn't made any difference to how well he sleeps at night. He just comes home from nursery VERY tired, but if I'm home with him the next day he's is back to his usual 2 hour afternoon nap routine. It's definitely taught me that he is much more adaptable than I thought, and can cope with different routines on different days.

I'm really excited about getting back to work! Of course I love my DS more than words can say, but I also love working and am sure I will enjoy my days with him so much more when it's not all day every day. I don't feel guilty about leaving DS for work at all - but then I've been leaving him at nursery once a week for 3 months now so had plenty of chances for both of us to get used to it.

Really appreciate the 'don't complain, don't explain' line - excellent advice!

I get deliveries to work.amazon prime is godsend
I've never made a school costume,hell that's what ebay for. I never do any PTA stuff,the school sooks can do that
for the really short notice parties I Keep stash of neutral cards,paper and generic gifts,I re-gift duplicate gifts.means you're not charging about short notice trying to buy something. Adult gifts I've bought some stuff in sale

I have a drawer in kitchen,full of bumph,paper,Sellotape,cards,stuff to gift

Totally agree with scottishmummy and working9while5. You do click back into it. My DDs are teens now and I have always worked FT. (No guilt, though occasionally I envy my SAHM friends for their coffeetimes if it's a nice day..) in fact I have to tell you that they recall virtually nothing of those years when they were at nursery and "being raised by other people", ha!
My DDs are proud of the fact I'm working and have told me that consistently. I was lucky in that I didn't have a commute and DH and I have always parcelled out tasks 50/50. We'd diarise ruthlessly so each of us could stay late at work twice a week if necessary. Oh, and weekends are pretty much sacred. I'll check the blackberry so that I don't have a Monday morning crisis but that's it.

The first 5 years we were broke. Childcare took up virtually all our money and we couldn't afford holidays or anything but the most basic DIY on the house. But that passes; I am now in a senior role in publishing and am now so used to working at top speed I have become very efficient at home. The advice upthread about getting stuff ready on Sunday night is spot on!

I strongly recommend Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In which is very good on giving tips on how to look at your career and not be scared of going for a senior role. Women hold themselves back too often and we need more women doctors, financial directors, head teachers, lawyers etc. Don't feel guilty about your achievements. Don't ignore office politics - I'm not advocating crappy political behaviour here but watch how the men behave and make sure you're in the room for every major decision. A lot of women don't play the political game (sanely) but it's important to be able to read it.

The best thing I did in retrospect was forego a bonus 6 years ago and instead negotiated extra holiday which I still have. Obviously this is dependent on your industry - teachers couldn't get this but worth considering if you're in professional services.

Sometimes I think that some women feel doubly guilty - first for being a mother at work and secondly for being a woman who's good at her job.. The more senior you get, the more you can call the shots. If I have to go to their school, I just go. If I had been PT and had not progressed I would have had to get official time off, permission etc.
Best of luck to all of you going back

What I find hard is missing out on friendships. When I was on maternity leave and then worked part time, I used to go to playgroups and meet up with other mum friends that I had met through various groups. Now they all see each other during the daytime on weekdays and people generally consider weekends to be family time, so I feel like friendships are drifting. My job is okay but sometimes I don't speak to anyone all day, my husband isn't very social so we don't really have any couple friends, and my pre-children friends don't live nearby. I have no opportunities or that much time to make new friends. The lack of social interaction/opportunity to just have a chat with friends gets me down.

OwlCat, I'm worried about that too. I've made some lovely mum friends and don't want to lose them.

My mum friendships have definitely been affected by working FT. Everyone else only works 3 days so they all meet up during the week for play dates etc and when we all meet up in often haven't a clue what they are talking about :-(

owl I am similar re : the lack of social interaction outwith work. It's so hard though as I have so little free time but I have said to myself that that has to change this year.

If you can at all, try to have some interests outside of work and home.
This year at various points I've been in a choir, done another evening class, hoga, wccasional weekend art workshops and tbh they are much much more socially fulfilling than mummy friends. Whatever floats YOUR boat. I find weekend workshops great, it's like dinner party chit chat without the pressure. Singing makes me feel amazing. I've also made some friends and invited them over etc.

I know it's different for everyone and some people have made good friendships over the early years but I found it to be mainly polite chit chat and endless chat about the minutiae of child rearing in a way that just didn't do it for me. I don't particularly enjoy talking about my kids outside of my family or with very very close friends.

Having said that I have an online group of about 22 from an antenatal thread I was on with ds1 and we are on Whatsapp now five years later and have been through a lot with bereavements, affairs, unemployment and just general Friday night chit chat. We meet about four times a year and there is always someone available 24/7 who can answer the practical kiddy questions about how much milk an 18 month should have, is this something I need to take them to doc about and to rant about the shit days where they're hyper and won't sleep/are acting up... but there is total and utter honesty, no grandstanding or pretending to know all the answers or adherence to parenting 'styles' etc . I need them as a support.. I really do. Once it's not anonymous and you've met the showboating and Grand Positions of online fora just fade out and you get good support.

I think it is helpful to have honest female friendships with other women but it is also a bit like uni... it takes a while to find people you really click with vs are thrown together with by chance but have sod all in common with.

It is v v important not to get into a situation if possible where you both work f/t but he still socialises/plays football/watches rugby games over a pint while you just work and rear kids. Have seen this happen with loads of my friends and it lends itself to huge resentment.

I used to do lots of sports pre DC but they take up a lot of time (climbing, surfing etc) I can't just get out and do those now without pre planning so have taken up running and cycling so that I can at least get out for 30mins of exercise.

I am also planning on starting crafty type evening classes maybe knitting or crochet or something. Chance to meet new people and have a chat. I think I got a shock last year at how much more time consuming juggling two DC and a full time job was compared to one DC. But now, we have a routine that works so it's easier and both DH and I have said we need to make time for ourselves this year, both as a couple and as our own person.

Yeah it's all about the sleeping arrangements... until evenings are yours it is pretty tough. That was why I had started weekend ones, 2hr ones locally some Sats. Running really works for anyone who can do it (dodgy knees here!)

Well LO has been vomiting profusely so there goes settling in session on Monday!!

My NCT group are almost all going back full time. We have promised to meet once every eight Saturdays with the kids and once every eight Saturdays for a girls night.

Meriingue Think about how your family will organize themselves if you child is sick. I have 4 people on my list who I can call at any given time. One person owns a restaurant and they have about 5 or 6 college students who could look after a sick child so DH and I can go to work.

I overlooked this when I first went back. I do advise on having a plan figured out with your OH because DC get sick all the time. I got fed up with daycare calling me when DH was around the corner so I stopped answering my phone. Sounds cruel but it got them calling DH first. Only once was DD so sick that they called the doctor. I was 90mins away so called DH's driver from the local taxi company and had him pick up DD. We met at the doctors office. Have all of this planned out because your kids will get sick on the day you have a very important meeting or a deadline and your DH is 2000 miles away!

Yes I'm worried about keeping in touch with my NCT group too. I don't make friends easily, there's no one at work I see socially (nor do I want to). But our NCT group has meshed really well, and I don't want to lose those friendships :(

Good tips on the hobbies etc. DH and I are in the process of negotiating this now. We hope to continue to go tramping and climbing as a family at weekends with other friends who have children but he had originally thought that he could book himself up every evening with ice hockey etc. After pointing out the error of his ways it seems to have finally clicked with him that this is about us as a family and team! I am hoping to join a local choir and get back to running.
Now I just need to work on household tasks.
Also love the mantra "don't complain, don't explain".