Other mums returning to work full time- want to support each other?

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I just wondered if there are any other mums returning to work full time in the next few months who want to start a support thread? I am and I'm feeling really anxious. I'm also fed up at the shocked looks I get when I say I'm going back full time. It's not a choice but a necessity.

So anyone want to join and we can talk about how we are feeling and give some virtual hugs when needed?

pit that's interesting about your neighbour. While I work FT, DH works around me so does SAH 3 days a week. I suspect there are things he preferred I didn't know about how much fireman Sam is watched in an average day but the kids are happy and we agree on the main things. I definitely agree about a relaxed approach benefitting the kids. My DM once visited and spent the day with DH and DC. They went for a walk and despite being told to be careful, DD sat in a puddle. I would have been annoyed, DH just laughed, DD just laughed. DM said it was nice to see that approach and how secure DD was in it.

Hello :)

I o back properly on Monday (have done days here and there and a short day on Friday) after mat leave #2. DS 2 is six months as was ds1 (now very nearly 3) when I went back.

DH and I are unbelievably lucky in that we work on our own and are on projects which are results based, so we set our own timetables. I tend to work 6.30-3 and DH 10-6.30. So they boys are with the cm 9.30-3.15 ish. At the moment this means we get a lot of time with them but next year it will mean I can pick ds1 up from school most of the time. I realise how lucky I am. I do do a few evenings a week once they're alseep but they both go to bed at 7 so I can fit more in.

I don't feel bad about working mainly because I have a really superb cm who takes them to playgroups, little outings etc and it is only my boys plus an after schooler with her so not a big group. Sometimes I feel like I ought to feel bad though! I am the only one of all my friends who has gone back ft but then most I them are teachers and obviously have much longer / more rigid hours than I do.

I'm looking forward to getting dressed up! Bought some lovely work clothes in the sales yesterday :)

ABC I was thinking about your discussion more - and something else occurred to me about delegation. If arguments are being put about fitting all your tasks into fewer days. Could you propose to train junior staff to do some aspects of your role - hence benefitting the business in terms if flexibility, career progression for other people etc? Then you could focus on overseeing them plus the more interesting and complex things you do?

bigkid you sound so positive about going back on mon wish I could be the same but I am a total bag of nerves worried if dd will be ok without me the boobs and generally about returning to a stressful work environment :( think their will be tears on mon morn might have to take my make up so I can retouch my mascara covered face!

Wishfulmakeupping, I really hope it goes well. My friend has just gone back to work after 8 months off - she cried the first 2 days, but is fine now (she's been back 4 weeks). She emphasised how much having a set routine helps, and is already noticing that her DD is far more confident after going to nursery, and is really happy there.

Wishful I was like that last tkme. This time I'm fine because it has worked out ao well with ds1, we are such a tight unit and adore each other and have a great time. And he is such a happy little soul too. So I'm confident it will turn out ok :)

Count me in, I go back in 4 weeks time. I have to go back early as our mortgage lender won't sign off on the mortgage unless I am back at work. DS will be the youngest at crèche at 6 months old. I feel so guilty but need to do what's right for the family. DP is condensing his hours into 3 long days to save on childcare and so at least one of us doesn't miss out on important milestones.

"So you know what it's got everything to do with attitudinal,behavioural disapproval of women's choices as manifest in the precious moments, if it was not there mothers wouldn't need support "

That's a patriarchal product SM though, don't you see? It's there whether you stay home or go to work. Do you honestly think there's anyone at home Loving Every Moment of clearing up/nappy deadlines any more than there are women at work enjoying every crappy deadline and office politics as though either were the pinnacle of human achievement?

The disapproval comes out of the patriarchal attitudes that affect all of us as mothers, we're trained to buy in to the myth of motherhood as almost holy while fathers just get free choice and it sets up this artificial divide between mothers based on where they spend the majority of their days.

The reason that there aren't fathers having this discussion all over the net is because it's a patriarchal construct designed to make women doubt themselves when very, very few women just "carry on as normal" even if they go straight back into the same job working the same hours. Very few women get to work at exactly the same pace without making sacrifices, whether this is just working a bit more sleep-deprived than normal or missing days due to sickness or having much less money. An awful lot of men barely even register the change in their lives.

Meanwhile you hear justification from most women... oh I just couldn't BARE not to see them all day... I want to be a feminist role model.. I worked hard for my career and I'm not going to give it up... why have kids if you're not going to see them.. I wanted to raise my own... I am bored by kids and think anyone with half a brain is too... young children really need their mums... only dull as dishwater women could be satisfied spending time with kids... we needed the money.. we are lucky we didn't need the money so I could be with my children when they're little... I can't imagine missing out on that... I can't imagine being such a dull woman as to need to spend time with kids... blah blah blah blah.

Most men are NOT having these conversations. At all. They're just getting up, going to work, getting promoted, coming home and having exactly the relationship with their children they always expected they would have (whether they've been at home all day or at nursery etc). It's just a non-issue for them because whether you stay home, go to work, do part-time this stuff is seen about a MOTHER'S identity always. No questions for the dads.

THAT right there is the feminist issue and it would behoove us all to just climb off the wagon and refuse to play either part in the game, to avoid the soundbites that are passive-aggressive putdowns of other women's "choices" and to say for a lot of women despite all our luxuries and privilege IT STILL SUCKS even if we get a "choice" on the surface. The day men are wringing their hands in angst about how their occupational choices will affect their child's development I'll feel differently...

minipie Im in audit so work 6 days a week for 21 weeks which is about 80-100 hrs/wk and go down to a 60 hrs/wk for the rest of the year. Everyone tells me to go part time but now way am I doing that because you end up working full time hours anyway plus it sends the wrong message that you on the mummy track.

I have tried a few things and one that really worked well was working from home one day a week. It gives me back up to 3 hours of commuting time which I use to catch up. If I am taking the train into Manhattan I have 38 mins each way to respond to emails or read up on research. I hate driving and I am looking to transfer to another group which is city based so I can make better use of my time. The city based groups have better clients too that are understanding of family commitments.

I was going to comment on your use of the term 'wifework' but didn't have time yesterday as my call finished! In our home we have housework and it is done by everyone (apart from the baby). DD is able at 2.5 to dust and load the washing machine. She is also capable of sorting her laundry into darks and lights. Chocolate buttons or M&Ms are your friend in training your child.

Im married to a man who manages $150 million of sales of pork and has 15 direct reports. He is 2nd in command of US operations of a EUR6 billion salughterhouse group. Quite frankly he is more than capable of figuring out that the DC need snowpants in December. He also has a PA and I make full use of her for sorting out DH.

Oh by using the term "wife work" I certainly didn't mean that the wife should do it all. Quite the opposite. the term is intended to signify that wives for some reason tend to end up doing all this house management stuff even though their DHs are perfectly capable, and that this is wrong. it's the title of a feminist book I believe.

Yes my DH should certainly be capable of working out that DD is bigger/the weather has changed so needs new clothes, and ordering her some new stuff. But somehow he never does. I am not sure how to fix this. I will have to think of various areas of home/child admin which are "his job" and I just do not do, I think.

Scottishmummy well said!

Im with working9while5. There is an awful lot of sexism in the UK. It is very passive in the workplace because the government have tried to legislate against it. However, don't be fooled. IMO the whole set up in the UK stinks and women have a raw deal. Part of the reason I wanted to go back to work after having DD was because I want change the status quo for women. It was tough going back after 8 weeks but I created a name for myself by coming back so quickly and doing a great job.

I follow the mantra 'Don't complain. Don't explain.' Meetings are done via telephone whenever possible. I listen in and get my work done. If I need to take notes for minutes I dial in using my computer using a program that transcribes the converstaion. If people start talking over each other I ask them to repeat what they said so the program can pick it up. If I am up all night with the kids I don't complain. People don't want to hear it. I don't explain why I can't make meetings either. Its simple, either you can make the meeting or you can't. I schedule time out in my work outlook calendar ahead of time so others can see I am not available.

want2be that's really interesting. I often find myself explaining my non-availability and apologising. I guess I often want to make it clear that I am not available because I have to be at home because DH has to go to work I have in the past joked to my boss that if he wants me available 24/7 he needs to pay me enough so I can afford for DH not to work at all. Rather than simply appearing as if I don't want to work/go to an event out of usual hours.

Hello, count me in too. I'm going back to my full-time position in April when DD will be 11 months. I went back FT after my first too, when he was 6 months. He's now 5 and in Reception.

Worried that it will be harder to get back into it this time after being off for longer. A lot has changed at work, acquisition etc and my team and boss have been picking up my role between them. Also the thought of gong back to the exact same role bores me, I'd like a new challenge. Hopefully I'll be able to find something to keep me interested. Hard because can't take on too much as will be knackered enough with the family stuff (dd still not sleeping through). Finding a balance is not easy!

I am due back mid-March and am in dispute with work about dropping two days a month.
I requested it, they said no. I am appealing.
Part of me wants to stay at home full time but I know that I would go stir crazy eventually, but also I don't want to leave my girls.
Anyway, I have no choice, financially I have to go back as I am the bigger earner and DH does not even have a contract at the moment.
Big plan was that we both work four days and have three days of childcare on the crossover days, but not sure is that is going to work now.
Am getting a bit depressed about the prospect of having to go back full-time.

Supermum, I agree with the 'don't complain, don't explain' approach. Just be very matter-of-fact about it and get on with it.

My colleague who has just had her first baby goes out of her way to explain how her complex nursery pick up arrangements affect her weekly schedule. Frankly I don't think it is necessary since people in my office don't really mind either way any way so long as she manages her own work load and is flexible during her time at home. It reinforces the idea that women who come back to work after having children need special concessions in the workplace. They do, but not to the extent of making a song and dance about it.

Men don't generally look apologetic or feel the need to big up their father credentials at work.

Yes yes yes Want2b.. my manager is just amazing at this. I have never once had the sense she feels "guilty" or needs to apologise/explain why she can't do something. She works 7 to 4 and is out that door at 4 come hell or high water and is very highly regarded within our broader organisation. Contrast this with most female colleagues (including me!) who are sat frowning over their diaries, feeling pulled/torn etc and worried because they can't do x or y or z.

I think that for survival, it's important not to get sucked into what you "should" be doing as an identity thing.. leaving aside stories of what or who you should be, at home or at work and just getting on with what needs to be done in the same way as pre-kids... as stuff that needs to be done, not some big marker of character/importance/identity. That's the trap. Am I good enough as a mother? Am I good enough to progress at work? A lot of it is bollocks.

On the other hand, there are undoubtedly structural, cultural and institutional inequalities that disadvantage women. Everything from bloody advertising for cleaning fluids and vacuum cleaners to the media obsession with mothers' role in "developing" children (linking this nebulously to everything from cot death to adult mental health issues) and industries with deliberately difficult and family-unfriendly work policies for men AND women with no real economic basis. The SAHM/WOHM "debate" arises out of the frustrations that we all inevitably face as being part of this world where laughably most believe "feminism has done its job" and there is equality of choice for men and women with children in the workplace. Like heck there is.

And also, the fact that again and again I see this:
"Big plan was that we both work four days and have three days of childcare on the crossover days, but not sure is that is going to work now" (and that was my plan too) and there's NO way of it happening... says to me that we have a LONG way to go. In the vast majority of jobs there should be no reason why a four day week can't be arranged, the fact most still can't access what's essentially a very minor adjustment especially as anyone who has ever worked four days knows that you end up being treated as full-time and often working out of hours is just wrong IMO.

I never bring my personal commitments to the work place but, since having children, if I can't make a meeting the first thing I'm asked is is it because of kids! No one else is asked, just me. In addition they have started to book meetings last thing which run over forcing me to leave 'early'. I asked to start very slightly earlier each morning to leave a bit earlier to collect kids and they are ignoring my request.

I have received exceptional performance payments year on year, take on additional responsibility, work beyond my grade, but I may as well be whistling into the wind. All this from a 'family friendly' employer.
I really hope things are better when I return. Like you workshy, I'm thinking a new challenge might be good!

Just wanted to jump on and give my support to you all, too.

I went back to work ft after 6 months with both my boys - the build up and the self-inflicted guilt is the worst bit, within a couple of weeks you will have snapped back into work life and your children will be spectacularly unbothered re being 'abandoned to strangers and childcare'.

I had no family nearby and have moved a few times since mine were born so have used all sorts of childcare - childminder, nursery, before/after school clubs - each have their pros and cons and each have been completely fine, and loved by my kids.

If you ever feel down, then I would recommend re-reading scottishmummy's posts - she has a very good way of cutting through the guilt crap! Like she says: organisation, compartmentalise work/home, and ignore ignore ignore the inevitable comments and headtilts from the 'precious moments crew' - you will have many precious moments, and your kid will know who their mum is etc etc.

Best of luck to you all, there is nothing to feel guilt about! Xx

I go back to work on Tuesday when DD will be 10 months old. I'm doing 26 hours instead of 37 but I am dreading it being a full time job in part time hours. I have to go back as DH is doing a PGCE so we are living on fresh air at the moment. I'm also worried because DD is really settled into a routine at home which just isn't practical from a CM. She sleeps 9.30-10.15 and 2 till 4. That's just not going to work for a CM. I struggled with it as it meant I was housebound in the afternoons but she sleeps 19.45 to 07.00 so why would I mess things around in the day? I'm worried the lack of sleep at the CM will impact on her sleeping at night. Then I really don't know how I'll cope working whilst exhausted Any words of comfort from those whose routine was upset by childcare necessities and came out the other side unscathed?

Ime once they routinely, reliably sleep through the night you can alter naps a bit and they just adjust. Ds1 sleeps 10.30-12 with the cm but 1-3 at home and it's fine. They all find their way - hey are more adjustable than you might think.

Freewee my DS went from 2 to 1 nap at around that age. See if you can push the first nap back a bit and then gradually shorten/drop the second. Safeguard nighttime sleep by not allowing sleep after a certain time (was going to say 3pm but I see that you currently have a 2-4 nap so maybe no later than 4pm).

My DS (16mo) naps 12-2 ish now and has for months.

Wow, that's early Ice! Ds1 didn't drop to one nap till he was 2.

This sort of thing is so worrying before you go back but it all sorts itself out in the first week or so :)

Hi all, great idea for thread.

I'm back to work on Fri, LO is just turned 1,

Could just about afford not to work as DP is well paid, but did not want to be a full time SAHM (without any local family support) or let my career stagnate, or lose my financial independence.

Agree with so much that has been said up thread about guilt etc. LO has been left twice at nursery so far and both times has been hysterical. His sobs started me off! He is also on the cusp of walking and yes I will be sad if I miss the 'precious moment' of his first steps!

The nursery does seem lovely so I am just hoping he adapts soon, as soon as the tears stop I think I will be able to relax about it.