Other mums returning to work full time- want to support each other?

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I just wondered if there are any other mums returning to work full time in the next few months who want to start a support thread? I am and I'm feeling really anxious. I'm also fed up at the shocked looks I get when I say I'm going back full time. It's not a choice but a necessity.

So anyone want to join and we can talk about how we are feeling and give some virtual hugs when needed?

Cheminotte where I used to work, this was known as 'golden handcuffs'. There were incredibly flexible working practices but a lot of people felt very trapped as they knew they would never be able to negotiate similar elsewhere!

I had a meeting at work on Fri about returning after ml (not until summer). I wanted to ask about going pt but as a teacher (secondary English) I'm pretty much at the mercy of the time table and they cannot guarantee full days off or even the same day off each week as they have a 2 week rota.

So think I'll be going back ft and this thread is helpful. Focusing on all the positives and also asking my ft friends for their tips!!

I have ds1 aged 3 and ds2 who will be nearly 1 when I go back.

I'm luckier than must as I can be home by 4 and then get the holidays off. Just have to do a lot of work when they are in bed!!

I'm going in to work this week to have a prep meeting with a colleague about interviewing for a new member of my team! I've still got 5 (ish) weeks of leave but I didn't want to have this done by my maternity cover, who is perfectly competent and nice, but has made some fairly fundamental changes to the way my team works that they don't like and that I don't think I can keep. It seems it was to satisfy the whims from above, but next time the dept gets audited these changes will look like we were just avoiding necessary processes/paperwork.

I am in... I've posted on "Parenting" about my worries. Broke down in tears on Friday as childcare was arranged and it was clear that I'd return to work even earlier than expected.

loulou don't discount part time just because of the timetable. I do 0.6 5 days a week with different bits of time off each fortnight. It's a pain in the arse but manageable with a good childminder. Although I'm practically at school full time, I teach fewer lessons so have more frees which means I get more work done at school. This means less work in the evenings and at weekends so I get to see my children more when I am home.

Even with part time I was working till 11:30pm most nights last week.

Thread seems to have slowed down...

Slightly off topic but... What do people think has worked / not worked regarding staying in touch with work during mat leave?

I know Ice, I just logged on to check if there have been any more posts. I'm hoping we can keep this thread going. I'm sure finding the time working FT with kids makes finding time to post hard!

I would say that keeping in touch with work has the following pros:
No surprises when you return
Let's people know you're still about
You can get training if any new systems/processes are rolled out
You can influenza any key decisions
Can reduce the 'fear' when you are due to return

Cons:
Can be frustrating knowing what is happening but not being able to get involved
Can cause stress, depends on what contact/expectations from work are
If you meet work mates for a coffee they can exaggerate what is happening and cause panic, best to just wait and see once back
Can ruin maternity leave if you let work take over too much

Thanks Tweet. How much contact did you have? Last time I did KIT days for our annual away day plus one day weekly for 6 weeks leading up to my return - during which I scheduled meetings with all the key people/bosses, sorted out IT etc.

Just wondering whether to start the contact a bit sooner this time. No financial benefit to me taking KIT days during the period of enhanced mat pay which is annoying. But I would be doing it more to maintain my profile - and not let people forget about me! But good points on the cons. I don't want to get stressed about things I can't control when I should be focused on the baby. Hmm.

I didn't do any KIT days and don't think it's really made any difference tbh (though I do have a couple of work mates who kept me updated on office gossip from time to time!)

Personally I decided I'd rather keep my mat leave "sacred" iyswim and just not get into thinking about work at all. It did mean quite a lot of catching up when I got back but I think I'd have forgotten any training or reading in that I did while on mat leave, so it made sense for me to leave it till I started back.

at "influenza any key decisions" great autocorrect.

Apologies for being AWOL for a few days, DD was in hospital with a nasty sickness bug (which meant sleeping on the chair next to the cot for a few nights so I feel like an old woman atm). So glad this didn't happen a bit later on as I start back at work in a week and a half. Thankfully she is all good now.
My boss has been worse than useless on keeping in touch whilst I have been on ML. To the extent that I have had to chase her to make sure deadlines weren't missed around important matters. I shouldn't be surprised really as she is terrible at people managing but it does unfortunately build the anxiety levels around going back.
DH last week of work before becoming SAHP (we have a weeks "handover"). He seems more nervous than me. We are lucky that his work are letting him have 2 months to decide around if he wants to go back or not or part time etc, so if he hates being at home we'll have to look for a nanny (which will bring another set of issues I guess). I'm worried I'll be jealous of the time DH gets to spend with DD but I'm just going to have to get over it.
I am thinking of joining the Institute of Directors and sitting the exams as work will pay for it/sponsor me and it is something I have an interest in. Do you think it would be stupid of me to throw myself into this straight away? Not sure if I should wait a while, but then we would like another DC if possible at some point and I expect there won't be a good time to do it for several years. Has any one else had experience of this or similar?

I suspect rather than being jealous you might feel glad you have someone at home doing the endless chores - look at it that way and you get the best of all worlds- time with the daughter after work. Anyway I hope it goes well. I was on the radio today banging the drum for full time working mothers and saying that actually a lot of us rather like it and it suits our children and families best.

Women's hour, Laura?

Re keeping in touch. For my first mat leave there were some major changes in my absence amd I had one or two KIT days shortly before I went back. One of these was a team meeting so good to catch up with people without having to do any work! I had 6 months off.
For mat leave 2 I had a full year plus accrued leave. Only contact in that time was consultation on redundancies and meeting to discuss hours. Was not even invited to Christmas meal.

No, a radio station but don't want to say which although I was long ago on MH talking about these issues and it pains me that about 15 years on we are still having questions over women and work when it should be no different from men and work and how does John Smith manage his ironing and child care whilst he works. Hopefully in 15 years' time it will be just as likely Mr XYZ is rushing home to wash some baby clothes as his wife.

Hello - have been lurking and wanted to get involved. My DS is 14 weeks and I started back at work 2 weeks ago (my choice). Only part time until March, then full-time. I choose to go back because I missed the intellectual stimulation. I found being at home very difficult and lonely.

I think I get a lot of dirty looks when I tell people how tiny my son still is. My work has very generous mat leave, so most people take 9 - 12 months. I have had a few snide remarks - from men as well as women - about my early return, along the lines of "don't you miss him?" or "make sure you don't miss out on his childhood".

All of which have left me extremely upset.

I read with interest what ScottishMummy and others said about rejecting the orthodoxy of what a mother "should" do/feel.

It is absolutely true that my DH doesn't have a moment of guilt about being at work. He regularly travels all week and it never occurs to him that DS will feel abandoned, or love his father less because of his absence - fears that haunt me.

However I am not sure how easy it is to just ignore those fears.

I do feel enormous social pressure to be the "perfect mother". But at the same time I genuinely feel a visceral attachment to our son that I don't think my husband share. My boobs ache when I think of him at work (still bf), I can well up instantly if someone says "do you think he misses you?" because it conjures an image of my baby feeling lonely or scared, and I find it painful to hear him cry. He is still, in many ways, a part of me.

Those are incredibly strong feelings, I don't think it can all be about a social conditioning, I think I have a biological/physiological impulse to "nurture" that, frankly, I didn't expect to be this powerful.

I am still not sure I am making the right decision to go back. I know I am incredibly lucky to have any choice at all - but I just can't get over how conflicted I feel.

I tell myself to focus on the positives, to assume that I can have a great career and still provide my son with all the love and support he needs - but tbh I don't yet really believe it is going to be possible...

(So I am very grateful for all of those on this thread who say it CAN be done!)

Georgie, please don't feel this guilt and pressure. To start with it is no one at works business what you do and they have no knowledge or understanding of your relationship with your son. The difficulty about having a baby is that it is a part of your personal life that is very public, so everyone has an opinion. I'm sure that those who have an opinion have all sorts going on in their personal life that may not agree with everyone but it's not public so no comments can be made.
You are doing what is right for you and I think that it is a great compromise to return part time first. I know how lonely maternity leave can be and you're not alone in feeling that way.
You are going to be able to provide your son with all the love he needs, the fact that you have posted here demonstrates that you care, go easy on yourself.

What I would suggest though is that you consider how you are feeling. I don't want to make any assumptions but I felt that there is a tone of you feeling down in your message. Are you feeling low at the moment? Remember that things like post natal depression can make you feel like you won't love your baby enough, aren't making good decisions etc. Just make sure that you are getting the support you need and it is not a bad thing to ask for help.
Please post on here again as I'm sure lots of others will want to add comments and support too.

Oh Georgie,

It sounds like you are finding things very tough at the moment. Tweet has said some wise things here.

My mum was back at work FT when I was 4mo so not so different to you, but mat leave was much less generous then so it was more 'normal'. I can see how you might be getting these comments/looks - not that I agree with these people AT ALL - but it is quite unusual to take a shorter leave at the moment. Most do seem to take 6 months or more. Not that these people have any right to judge you. And there is no way a man would get these comments!

Maybe it would help you to write down all the reasons you have made the decision you have made. Setting things down on paper helps me to rationalise feelings sometimes. Then you can, hopefully, have a bank of confidence to draw on when you feel vulnerable.

It WILL get better.

Georgie please try not to stress too much. People can be so thoughtless and I have definitely noticed that they feel free to say quite rude and unfounded things when it comes to babies and childcare. Just remember that you are doing what is best for you and your family, other peoples opinions are irrelevant.
You need to do what works for you, it sounds like you have a strong bond with your DC and they will benefit from having a mum who feels fulfilled and happy in other aspects of their life. It is frustrating that it is still acceptable to question women around their choices but men seem to get a free option. I really hope this attitude doesn't persist for when my DD enters the work force.
Good luck and keep posting.

Oh Georgie - try not to let people make you feel bad. It enrages me that nobody would ever think of saying such a thing to a man. DH and I work really hard to ensure that we work as a team and that neither of us is "default parent", but it's really hard to challenge society's expectations. It shouldn't be that way - it's 2014 FFS!!

Really don't feel bad - your LO will grow up safe and secure, able to build strong relationships with everyone who loves him/her (sorry -am on phone and can't remember which!). I think that's incredibly valuable and healthy, and I love seeing the bonds my DCs have with their carers.

Finally - I work for a US business - my counterparts over there typically go back after 3 months. Nobody questions that and I'm viewed as quite lazy for my 8-month ML!!

Georgie just ignore them. When the interviewer (male) on the live radio thing this week said something sexist about babies needing mothers I said would you ask the same of a man? That a baby does not need someone linked by DNA to care for it otherwise what about adoptive parents and grannies who do childcare never mind those of us who use day nannies who often stay with us longer than husbands or wives do?

The other point I made on the radio is that it can be asier for a baby if its routines are established early on rather than having a year or more with one person there all the time and suddenly that all changes when the mother or father returns to work. What babies like is certainty and security so establishing routines early that both parents are there before work and one home at 6 and the other a bit later and all the time at weekends and their day time carer, granny, child minder, nanny, nursery worker is there 8 -6 is psychologically better for the child. In other words returning to work early can be better for babies as well as parents.

In the UK when I had my first children 2 - 4 months like the UK was normal and plenty of us did it earlier. I want parents of both sexes to have choices, not just women and I want mothers in particular free to make their own choices. One of my older daughters called this week and was talking about this issue (she's old enough to be in work now). I was saying to her some women tend to want to do what their friends do, what is the norm for their social circle although that's very dull of course - I've always like being utterly different from other people... and if everyone of your friends has married around the same time had babies and all the women are putting their careers second or going back to work after massively long maternity leaves it is quite hard to be different for some people.

This is why this thread is important as it does give examples of women back at full time work and enjoying it. I shouldn't really be on it as my youngest children are teenagers but I suppose I can illustrate that it can work out fine, much much better than had I given up work.

However the bottom line whether you're male or female and whether you work or not having small children will always be very hard work and very tiring. It gets much much easier as they get older. I sleep 8 hours every single night now and I still appreciate that after all these years.

I've been back 3 weeks now and I am loving it. My boss made some promises to me before I went off about getting more involved corporately and he's come good on them. I've been treated by my staff pretty much like I've never been away. And I've done lots of exciting things that I really wouldn't have done at home.

As a bonus DS2 has settled really well into nursery, easily dropping to two feeds a day and even sleeping through a couple of times. DS1 hasn't flinched with the new routine but as I kept 3/4 of his nursery place during mat leave that's no surprise.

I don't make a habit of talking about the children but lots of people have been asking me about them. My mat leave cover (male), who I'm overlapping with for another month, keeps telling me about the sleep patterns of his son... He does 5 over 4 too so I am pleased that a man has been continuing the example of how it can work while I've been off.

Hi

Has anyone with a child with CMPA gone back to work? How did you deal with milk? I'm hoping to get back to work, but I'm not keen on giving baby soya milk. What would the options be?

Hope everyone is getting on okay. I recall some are returning to work in Feb, hope all goes well.

Hello all, just jumping on this thread as after three years of circumstantial SAHMing, I have landed a full time job and will be starting sometime in the next month (pending references and clearance). Have two DC, 5 and 2.5, so am currently trying to untangle the knot of childcare options!

I hope the children will adjust easily. DS is at school so it won't be too much change for him, but DD has never been in childcare as we couldn't afford any while I wasn't working. She is very sociable though and I think she's reached the stage of getting a bit bored with just being with me all the time. We go to playgroups etc. but I am a rather lax SAHM when actually at home. If I can find the right childminder, I think she will thrive. And then of course she'll get her 15 hours in September, and be at school f/t from next September

Going to read through this thread over the next week or so. I've already used the dressing gown over work clothes tip for my interview day Invaluable!

That sounds exciting Malcolm. Well done to you. Incidentally I often imagine I could give Malcom Tucker responses at work, I'd advise against that in your new job though!

Your DD will be fine and what a great role model you will be to her.