Other mums returning to work full time- want to support each other?

[Tweet2tweet]

I just wondered if there are any other mums returning to work full time in the next few months who want to start a support thread? I am and I'm feeling really anxious. I'm also fed up at the shocked looks I get when I say I'm going back full time. It's not a choice but a necessity.

So anyone want to join and we can talk about how we are feeling and give some virtual hugs when needed?

i dont think thtere is a lean in vibe or a contingent
its quite refreshing to have this discussion it doesnt often happen and imo its useful to hear how others manage.i dont think anyone needs to heed all advice,but also no one need tippy toe for fear of offending anyone else

I know what you mean meringues (though actually I liked the Lean In book and thought it was useful in lots of ways). I do think that how these debates come across and how relevant they seem depends hugely on your working environment - I can see that women in very male-dominated or quite family-unfriendly (or just clueless) environments - which includes me to some extent - can feel they have to be a bit "all guns blazing" in a way that might seem rather overblown or aggressive or unnecessary to women working in quite a different environment.

Having said that, I do think it's really important to be able to say: I am working because I enjoy it and find it fulfilling (not necessarily or only because I have to / for the pension / for future security etc).

I am very ambitious re: my job, and I haven't found that's changed at all having had the baby - in some ways I actually feel more career focused rather than less - but I don't work in the evenings or at weekends (or almost never), which is very unusual in my field. I made that decision several years ago though, it wasn't a post-baby thing. To be honest, most weekends I would rather do a couple of peaceful hours of work! But I think committing to not doing so is important for our family life and general long-term sanity and balance.

I agree and it depends how you measure "sucess".
Motherhood and raising children is very undervalued in this society, women who are seen to stay at home or work part time are not considered very important.

We can even see that in the dire salary that nursery nurses and day care providers earn.
Life isn't all about scrambling to the top-there is far more to life than a big salary cheque and expense account.

Raising children is probably one of the most important and priviledged things we can do.

Lets not undervalue those women who want to conserve their energies at work to utilise elsewhere either by refusing to join in the scramble for promotion, work only part time or decide to stay at home.

Enjoying reading this thread - I am back at work full time but flexibly (ie core hours 8.30-4 in the office Mon, Tues, Thurs and Fri and at home wednesday). DH works full time too. Started back in august and my daughter is now nearly 1 yr old (eek).

No option about going back either as I am the main breadwinner at home too. Also no family about as parents live in Spain, MIL lives 1.5 hrs away so at the moment just us and Nursery although we have an au pair starting in Feb to help with collection/drop off unexpected appointments etc.

Keen to hear others experience and offer support. x

For the avoidance of doubt - I do actually really like my job (and despite missing my DD) I like having something that is all mine!

I think the whole Lean In debate is interesting and shouldnt be used to box people into one category or another. Surely feminisim is about having the option to be career orientated or not?

meringue you are very lucky in your employer! I think in many/most pressured workplaces it's impossible to reduce your hours/out of hours commitment and still be promoted just as if you still worked a billion hours a week. So the advice on leaning in, overtime etc is there for those who want to be promoted in this environment. Personally, I don't mind my career being hindered a bit, as long as it stays at a level I'm happy with, so I can ignore/adapt those bits of advice.

Thanks scottish - I received a letter from HR at work saying there would be a return to work induction and they would contact me nearer the time. I've only done one KIT day, back in October, which was actually me attending an annual meeting that I lead every year with an external body, so not so much a KIT day! (I also didn't get paid for it yet, but that's another issue! And a reason why I didn't do anymore!) I feel work do "talk the talk" about staying in touch etc, but the reality has been very different, which is probably why I feel so out of the loop now, all the effort to stay in touch has been on my side. I think that is all adding the anxiety!

DH works for a company that expects wives to support their DH's career. I am the only working spouse. I have 2 DCs and I am the only working mother in my group below Partner. All the other parents are male and their wives are home with the children. Thats their lives but I have chosen to go a different path.

If I spent all my time looking at what others have and don't have I would have nothing for myself. If you don't want to work full time but need the income I would suggest you consider self employment.

Best quote from DH's boss: The bigger the child, the bigger the problems. I am dreading the start of school and expect I will need to work something out with my employer where I work from home from 6pm-10pm instead of 2-6pm.

ant2bSupermum- my OH works for a company like that. Was only allowed 1 day off paternity leave with each of our children, all his overtime is expected and usually unpaid.
If he insisted on his lunch hour he would be out the door- never mind calling absent to look after a sick child.
He would be laughed at.

12 The irony is that DH has far more flexibility in his job that I do. He is in sales so is out and about. No one tracks his whereabouts! In December he was taking the kids to the doctor and doing the supermarket shop during his 'working day'. No one knew he was doing this apart from his PA who would never say anything because she too thinks the set up needs to be overhauled.

DH wasn't given any paternity leave. When DS was born he took the day off. DS was born at 9.11am. At 2pm he had his semi-annual MRI booked. He went from his MRI to daycare to pick up DD and returned to the hospital at 8pm to have dinner with me. The following day he was back at work. I came home on Thursday night at about 8pm. DH went into work on the Friday leaving me with the baby. I had a CS too so had a hard time getting up and down the stairs. We live 3000 miles from family (for DH's employers benefit) so no grandparents/family available to lend a hand. Trust me when I say I will never forget what they put me through. For a Scandinavian company they forget their home policies very quickly when it suits them.

Second day back, I had a free period today and was completely on my own own in the department office getting my planning sorted.

I have to say I really enjoyed the peace and quiet!

kalidasa, same for me too. In fact for years wen people have asked me abou how I cope with children and work I say if you have children you tend to work harder as you have more financial responsibilities (you can hardly disappear to find yourself in a commune if you have to pay for a family) and that tends to shut up those people who ask that question only of women and never of ambitious men.

Want, the plan to allow men and women to split the lead will be very helpful particularly for those of us women who earn the larger salary and whose careers come first in the relationship. My daughter's boss did this - she had 3 or 5 months off and then her husband had 6 months off looking after their first baby. (They had or have the same employer and it had a generous leave arrangement for men and for women when babies come)

I think where you live makes a big difference. Where I live, mums who return to work FT or even PT are in the minority. This is because there are a lack of career-type jobs within commuting distance and childcare is expensive meaning that people effectively end up paying to work. I used to collect my DD from her nursery at about 5.20 pm and she would always be the last one there, often by a few hours. After-school clubs are also unheard of.

Yes good point owlcat about geographical location. We live fairly centrally in London; my sister who lives in rural Devon is in a very different situation.

Laura my DH and I are planning to split the leave after our next baby. Ideally I would go back after 6 ish months and he would do the second half, though the exact timings will depend a bit on where we are in the academic year. Ideally I would like a spring baby and to go back to work in October.

I've never heard terms lean in,or considered don't explain,don't complain.interesting
What was important to me on return was,what was important before I left eg doing job well.major difference is factoring in baby and that loss of spontaneity
I live in city,but where I live lots of mums give up work become housewives. Baby group was where I met the precious moments crew up to that point I'd no experience return to work was a contentious issue. In my work colleagues had baby,came back.so that was my direct experience.

I do think adjusting ones language to explain availability is interesting,in that one can simply say ,sorry unavailable bit suggest another date.as opposed to explanatory oh my childcare explanation.

Laura Sadly DH is the breadwinner. He earns a whopping 8x my salary now! If he was working in HQ he could take the time off but no one at his level does this. Having done a 6 month and 8 week leave I can say returning after 8 weeks was easier in some respects.

Scottish I didn't really have anyone to speak to about issues I faced when returning to work. My 'Don't complain, don't explain' approach came about through watching the men at work. They are often up all night with the kids but you would never know this because they don't mention it. DH's boss turned down a meeting with the CEO of the company because he was visiting a college with his son. His reason was simple, 'Sorry that time doesn't work with my schedule, lets have our assistants work out a time that does work.' He is still employed and no one thinks any less of him. If he had said he couldn't make it because he was taking his son to go look around a college (that his son didn't want to go to!) the CEO would have been miffed and wouldn't have changed his flight to enable the meeting to take place.

I think the gender approach in language is interesting.yes I've seen guys simply say not available
As opposed to a heartfelt convoluted explanation of domestic factors
It's like don't be the distraught woman at work crying over baby picture and project

Yes, just say not available and hopefully they will assume you are very much in demand (for work) and the best in your field and they are very lucky to get any of your time next Tuesday because they will assume Friday is crammed with much more important meetings that they are offering you.

Things that helped me returning to work first time a good few years ago was occasional NCT meetings for working parents - everyone worked full time so that was helpful. Also I sent for a time to lunch time meetings of ParentsatWork for women working in the City of London which was even better as the full time working mothers (and this was 25 years ago - these issues are not new) there had similar careers to mine. These days we are lucky to have the internet to learn about other happy full time ambitious or unambitious working mothers.

That's great noblegiraffe, good to hear all is going well.

For some ft returners it's fine to go back and put things on pause for a bit. I sometimes wonder whether it's good to do this if you're not in an ideal job and when dcs a bit older look for a new job and new start.

Bit anxious about all this talk about how tough it gets when they go to school. I already find it full on! Was hoping things might be a bit calmer by 5 and over

I'm just marking my place really, but am finding these discussions incredibly interesting and helpful. I returned to work full-time in October, after a second 8-month long maternity leave. My work is reasonably accommodating, but it's the kind of career that can't easily be done PT, long hours are expected, and unfortunately I earn significantly more than DH, so alternative options are limited.

I'm slightly terrified about the idea that this gets harder as the DCs get older (mine are both nursery age), but am interested to see the different ways people manage.

So nice to be on a supportive thread where every other person isn't banging on about how "money isn't as important as the precious moments" - it's often not so simple - we'd be living in the garden shed if I didn't work!

I think it is much much easier once they are at full time school although I know some above don't agree. For a start you sleep at night which everything easier.

Suchn, I wouldn't say it is "unfortunate" you earn a lot more than your husband. I would say that is absolutely marvellous and a very good thing on all kinds of levels and makes life much better not much worse.

LauraB - you are right, of course! Sometimes though, I do wish that the financial burden of the family didn't rest quite so heavily on my shoulders!

I went back FT when DD was 9 months a year ago. It was tough as I'd moved jobs and was more senior but was getting little sleep as DH was away a lot and anyway she would scream for me hysterically if he went. Things improved a lot when we managed to get her to sleep better when she got a little older.

I also followed the "don't complain, don't explain" mantra. Which for me meant keeping children issues out of earshot of my boss, my peers, my clients and my reports to avoid being labelled as "mummy track" which I've seen happen with others if they are perceived as being focussed on their children most ML. I never talked about tiredness, being up constantly in the night, the terrible headaches from being chronically exhausted when I was getting no sleep. I didn't discuss childcare headaches, getting covered in sick when walking out the door, worries about DD's health. If someone asked how she was I'd happily talk about her and if they expressly asked show a photo on my phone and would mention what we'd done with her if someone asked about my weekend or whatever but didn't anchor my personal work discussions around her.

We have a nanny which cut down the childcare issues substantially but I never apologised to anyone for leaving at a fixed time in the evenings when work allowed. I would mention it in passing when DH took time off work to look after DD. On the odd occasion where I cracked and got in a bit late having had no real sleep until 6am I would just block my diary marking it personal and no one would ask questions.

I regularly work evenings and weekends and would make a point, where appropriate, of emailing colleagues and clients during those times so they knew I was working. I tended to work one evening late in the office most weeks to clear backlogs. I delegate as much as possible within the team and try not to micromanage. My boss is happy as long as there are no problems for him so I make sure that there aren't so he leaves me to get on with things.

I outsource as much as possible. Online grocery delivery which nanny puts away, cleaner does laundry and cleaning, nanny does DD stuff and runs errands. Amazon Prime for most birthday presents. Online shopping and direct delivery for new baby gifts etc. I'm lucky we can afford to do all of this but means that the time I do get with DD and I can focus on her and not be running around doing chores as much. Although the household management is largely still there.

Thank you poloholo, some good suggestions there on outsourcing as much as possible. We don't have a nanny and our cleaner doesn't do our laundry but apart from that I try to do similar to you. In addition, DH takes the ironing to work and has it collected and delivered back to him.

Polo, that is exactly what I have always done too and it works (and some of my children are adult now and we can see the good result in them. I can only see benefits for my children in the fact that I worked full time and in my career in that I just got on with it.

We also order the food shopping on line. The older children have the password and even add their things to the Tesco basket on line. It is delivered or used to be when the cleaner was here so she even put it away. She also puts the washing away and we iron nothing. However over 20+ years life has often varied. When I was younger there was no way we could have afforded a cleaner and things like that. Things change over the course of a life.