Other mums returning to work full time- want to support each other?

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I just wondered if there are any other mums returning to work full time in the next few months who want to start a support thread? I am and I'm feeling really anxious. I'm also fed up at the shocked looks I get when I say I'm going back full time. It's not a choice but a necessity.

So anyone want to join and we can talk about how we are feeling and give some virtual hugs when needed?

It is interesting that those women who work full time and want to get to the top and are very ambitious who might point out on this thread how to "lean in", how you build a personal brand at work, get promotions and exceed others and learn how to show off at work about how good you are might be regarded as being unsupportive of other full time mothers.

Surely it's inspiring. You can work and not lean in - fine your choice or work and lean in and either is a perfectly acceptable choice but I don't think censoring those of us who love achieving really helps other working mothers. Those who are not interested in pay rises and promotions can just ignore posts which are directed at that kind of thing. The main thing women need is knowledge - that if you do X you might achieve Y etc. Then you make your choices based on the information.

I didn't find it harder when they went to school at all compared with under 5s. The hardest period whether you're at home all day or working full time is when you aren't getting sleep and that passes as they get a bit older. A lot of people when the oldest goes to school still need full time childcare for the toddler so the use the same person - childminder or daily nanny or whatever to do the school collection. When the youngest is at full time school then things like after school clubs or hiring someone to do daily pick up and work 3 - 6 and ideally full time in holidays works well and I think it's much easier as they get older. Now I have teenagers it's a walk in the park. (By the way we used to love it when the toddler did not have a nap as it might actually go to bed on time. the downside of a slightly lazy day nanny is they have the children sleeping most of the day to make their day easier - we definitely had that at times - and then a very lively child that evening not wanting sleep).

I think it's up to women how they explain absences. For me it's just depended on the context - when I felt successful, high paid and at a boss level kind of job I've no problems saying I'm going to a carol service or sports day - it gives you a connection to male clients actually who often take time off for the same reasons. When I was junior it was wiser to say I have another meeting or I am not free then.

I think school years can be difficult.
My son has never had the best of health- including lots of tonsilitis over the years, eventually having surgery.
I also find that when one child gets an illness requiring time off school the other child catches it hot on the heels- as others have said there are so many times when parental attendance for school events is desirable- seeing them off on residential trips, sports day, school concerts, nativity etc.
No employer would have put up with the illness and sick days my kids have had over the years!!

I suppose I feel im doing most of that but with two drop offs and sometimes two pick ups. Looking forward to them being in the same place!

thanks loulou. am hoping to carry on feeding morning and evening if I can. would be gutted to give up completely now.

I agree with MrsY - it gets harder as they get older. Nursery is easy as it carries on throughout the year. School is more difficult unless your school has a good after school and holiday club, or you have an au pair or childminder who can collect and entertain during holidays.

Mine are now in their teens, and I am finding it harder still. It is more difficult to miss a football match - at this age, it has to be you, rather than someone else cheering from the sidelines on a cold and wet Saturday morning. It needs to be you at the school play where they have a major part, rather than being one of sixteen sheep in a nativity, where they won't miss you in a heaving school hall full of parents. They need more support as they come up to their exams, with choices of subjects, revision schedules etc etc. They need you to be there for them, not a nursery, not a nanny or childminder, no matter how lovely they are. On the plus side, at 12 and 14, they are quite happy to stay on their own or see friends in school holidays, so the need for, and expense of, holiday club falls away.

A ted talk is like a short 15 min lecture by an expert/high profile person on a given topic.

You can follow them on fb or loads on you tube

"No employer would have put up with the illness and sick days my kids have had over the years!!"

My elder DD was severely asthmatic as a child, with all of the accompanying issues such as bronchitis, pneumonia and stints in hospital. Employers do put up with it - you don't get "free" days off, you just take annual leave. I used to stash away 10 days annual leave to take care of DD1 when she was ill and DH did the same. And it is easier these days with mobile working - if your child is lying wanly on the sofa watching CBBC or drifting in and out of sleep, there's no reason why you can't be tapping away on the laptop. If one of us had a "couldn't miss" meeting, then the other one would step in with the childcare. If you're a hardworking employee that doesn't take the piss, employers are usually quite accommodating. And if they are difficult, then you just go higher up the food chain, and/or stand your ground and explain who will do the work when you are not there/how you will make up the time if necessary. Go in with a fait accompli, and very few bosses will be able to say no.

MrsS- I'm afraid using up my leave wouldn't work either- with so many school holidays there simply wouldn't be enough of my annual leave to cover all absences from school.
My OH works very long hours and is often away on business trips- so can't be counted on to look after children during time off from school.

I found the early years harder physically because of the disrupted sleep, teething, potty training, and the fact the children needed so much of your attention. But nursery was 8am - 6pm and I have cover over all that time if I wanted to use it fully.

However, I find the school years (particularly primary) more difficult logistically. At primary school, they are not old enough to do things by themselves or get to places by themselves. They still need quite a lot of input from parents, in terms of school finishing at 3pm, school holidays, homework, playdates, afterschool activities, outside school activities, holiday activities and the plays (and their costumes!), nativities, assemblies, parent-teacher meetings, sports day etc that Mrs Young described. The admin that comes home in my dcs' schoolbags is unbelievable. You have to be very organised to stay on top of all that.

A professional nanny can do some of that, but they are expensive. I have a live-in aupair that does the schoolrun and afterschool activities and does backup when the children are ill, but the admin and attending plays etc still has to be done by me and dh.

Also, I find there is a lot more socialising between parents at the schoolgate than at nursery. So it is good to do the schoolrun occasionally - I work one day a week from home to allow me to do this - to catch up with the regulars at the schoolgate and get the latest intelligence. Right now, I am looking at 7+ entry for my ds, so it helps to tap into the intelligence network of schools in the area. I am good mates with a few super-engaged SAHM mummys who love to tell me what the best activities, teachers, school uniform sizes are which I lap up in the limited time I have with them.

Atthestroke - apart from a family holiday and the odd day off, I used school holiday clubs for all holidays (and a week with granny and granddad to break it up). So it can be done, or, as I said, you can work from home from time to time in most jobs.

Scones, I'm planning on continuing to bf DD morning and evening/night when I return to work in February. She won't take a bottle at the moment, a little stressed about that, but she is at least beginning to show a bit more of an interest in solids (fingers crossed). I know what you mean re bf, I've surprised myself with how much I love doing it.
I am actually beginning to look forward ( a little!) to going back to work now. I think this thread is helping me to get my head in the right space and address some of the concerns/doubts I had been having. Sure I'll have another wobble at some point but for the moment feeling a lot more positive.

MrsYoung has a good point about one of the benefits of showing commitment now is the ability to negotiate more flexibility from your employer later.

It is one of the reasons why I went ft. I had just made a sideways career change into a different but growing field and wanted to gear up on the knowledge, experience and seniority as quickly as I can so that for my next move, whether internally or in another job, I would be senior and experienced enough to negotiate my terms.

I made that jump 2.5 years later into a new cushy job and now work one day from home in the morn. It helps as it gives me some space to attend to the avalanche of school and social stuff now that the children are older. Which is nice.

blueshoes- I so agree about the school intelligence thing.
The amount of information gathered in the playground is astounding- not just idle gossip- but about teachers who are planning to leave, changes in the school structure, etc. I did a lot of classroom volunteering at primary school, also was a school governor for a few years.
The involvement with the school was supportive to my children and helped build good relationships between me, my children and staff.

I've also had jobs that involved a lot of travel - if my child was ill, I simply postponed the trip, or sent someone else if DH was unable to step in for whatever reason. This seems to only work if you are very senior (so they sing to your tune, as it's you they really need to see, and if you postpone for a week or send your sidekick, then they suck it up) or very junior, when someone else can easily be sent in your place.

MrsSchadenfreude again you are lucky to have willing and able grandparents. I have no family support.
Of course I agree about working from home- I have worked full time since my children started school ( I am self employed) and able to increase or decrease my working hours depending on holidays/term time.

atthestroke, that sounds great. My level of involvement with the school is not a fraction of yours but it is still good to know what is going on, even if it some high political drama about how the new school uniform will look! I do suspect that my absence at the school gate and lack of agitation on my part for my dcs means they don't get good roles in the school play or the best teachers in the next year group but hey ho, my dcs seem to survive.

On holiday cover, another option to consider is a summer aupair who just works for you over the summer. You would need an extra room to house her if she is live-in. If you have more one child, it works out cheaper than an a holiday club.

I always saw it as a massive advantage of working full time that I was not obliged to do a single iota of socialisation or chatting to other parents actually but that is probably just my personality. Some people are more sociable than others.

On summer holidays first we had the toddler's nanny of course when the bigger 2 were at school so that was covered. When the youngest was 5 one of the children's schools had a holiday club so they did a week in there. Some did summer camps for a week or two - I think never more than 3 weeks in the summer. We tried to have a 2 week family summer holiday abroad. At one stage the after school collector who worked 3 - 6 was also free in holidays so she did it. I think because our pay was enough to cover the cost of these things we were okay. It is harder if that is not so.
We never had a summer au pair but as mentioned they can be a good solution too. When our oldest used to have a 2 week October half term when no one else did she went to her grandparents in Yorkshire for a week. I think she must have been about 8 or 10 and we put her on the train in London and they met her in Yorkshire. She was quite a sensible girl and I think her grandfather used to take the train back down with her so may be she was accompanied some of the way. It certainly helped with that week.

For those with little babies I used to breastfeed immediately before I caught the tube to work and then as soon as I got home and I'd make sure I left on time and then fully fed all weekend (and all the night feeds so as I never had a sleeping babies) and was in a job where I could just disappear twice a day to pump at work which is not possible in some jobs.

Supermum yes "Fridays are no good for me" is better, thanks.

Reading the recent posts I am a little daunted by the school years and all the parental involvement/admin required! However, my parents both worked (long hours) during a lot of my school years and it worked - though we had a nanny which helped, and I didn't really do any extra curricular activities.

Actually I don't think it is the end of the world if a parent can't make it to every school play and sports match... mine didn't and it didn't kill me.

Interesting thread. DS is 13 months, I went back to work early (5 months) as I'd been off sick the whole (nightmare of a) pregnancy. We are planning to try for no. 2 this summer. Personally I found the pregnancy/first few months the worst bit by far, I am much happier now we are past that stage, but I was unlucky with the health stuff obviously. Very scared of doing it all again but we really want DS to have a sibling.

So pleased to gave found this thread, going back FT next month when DD is one, and feel physically sick when I think about it. I was never a "baby person" and didn't think I would have any problems with this when we planned it during pregnancy, but the thought of leaving her at nursery 5 days a week, 7:30 to 6pm makes me actually cry. I've also found that out of all the mums I've met during maternity leave, I'm the only one going back full time. I feel terribly guilty, like I've got it all wrong - but we'd struggle financially if I did stay at home. I also feel like my workplace has changed so much while I have been away that I no longer "fit" there. I suffered from work related stress from the high pressure role a few years back, and I'm starting to feel it coming back, which worries me, too. I honestly have no idea how I will do my job and be a mother! Will read all advice on here avidly!

uneasypeasy- I do sympathise- ultimately it's a choice you have to make.
I started working from home whan my youngest was 6 months old because I couldn't bear to leave my babies. Part time at first- and we did make sarifices but built up my hours and my income over the years- and I am still self employed working from home.
In fact I love it so much that even now my kids are teenagers I wouldn't want to swap what I do for an employed job.
I love the flexibility it gives me.

On the other hand you may find working again it easier than you think and your baby may love day care- but it wasn't for me.

I took a leap of faith an it has worked out better than I had imagined- all things are possible

its immaterial what other mums do,youre going back.comparison is pointless
i was in minority in baby group who returned,and no point dwelling on that
imo.you need to be guilt free and compartmentalise.this is what you need to do for family

uneasy have you been in touch with work prior to return to talk about role,demands etc
it may help have a meeting prior to go back,sorry you fell stressed or its not fitting
asak what induction,tasks and expectation there are of you on return.do you have a HR dept who can support?

All of my NCT group has gone back, and almost all full time I think (one four days) but friends a bit further on have said that the real crunch is after no. 2 - the number going back full time after the second is a lot smaller. Is that the experience of others on this thread? I really can't imagine not working and part time just doesn't really exist in my field (and seems to be career suicide where people have done it).

I just felt that there was a little of the "it's my way or the highway" vibe coming from the Lean In contingent... It feels a little oppressive to me, as if the message is we must work lots of overtime, out of hours etc, or fail to progress.

I think success can be achieved whilst working sensible hours but then I work for a genuinely family friendly employer where around 75% of the workforce are female, and as I said up thread, sanity prevails

In other news, DS had a good time at nursery this morning. Only cried for 5 mins then got on and played. Hooray!