Other mums returning to work full time- want to support each other?

[Tweet2tweet]

I just wondered if there are any other mums returning to work full time in the next few months who want to start a support thread? I am and I'm feeling really anxious. I'm also fed up at the shocked looks I get when I say I'm going back full time. It's not a choice but a necessity.

So anyone want to join and we can talk about how we are feeling and give some virtual hugs when needed?

The internet has been a massive help to parents who both work. I do the online shop on my mobile and the nanny adds on what she wants for her and DD. I still end up buying food in person but not the whole shop. I remember having to go shopping with my parents every Saturday morning as a child and the thought of having to spend my precious non working time dragging a toddler around Tescos every Saturday is horrific.

Internet is great,delivery groceries.amazon prime.click and collect.all a boon
Please don't prefix earning well with an unfortunately It's to your credit

Re. the "unfortunately", I know, I know..... I'm just feeling a bit grumpy about it at the moment as I would quite like to move on from my current employer (for a variety of reasons, none particularly child-related), but feel a little bit "trapped" by the fact that we rely so heavily on my salary.

I'm loving all the time-saving tips. Internet grocery shopping is a total lifesaver, as is Amazon Prime. We also use a local dry cleaner who picks up and drops off in the evening, saving an errand at the weekend.

At the moment I'm putting together a rolling 40 day menu planner, so that the internet shopping becomes even easier - we tend to spend ages on a Sunday evening deciding what to eat the following week, and totally lacking in inspiration. I think a list of favourite/easy recipes would be a real time-saver.

We also have a cleaner twice a week, and make sure we get up early enough that we are completely ready to go (shower, dressed, make-up, hair, bags ready etc) before we wake the children up.

We use a nursery rather than a nanny, which makes childcare more of an issue that it could be, but to be honest I rather like the discipline of having to pick them up at a certain time - at least then I know that one of us is guaranteed to spend a couple of hours a day with them.

Earning well isn't solely a male activity.good example for the kids,mum works hard

And also decide what is important to you and what isn't. We had various periods when it was a massive relief not both to eat together every night ( I accept many couples do love eating together) but stopping it fora while so we could both just grab when we wanted whatever food we liked without having to have some kind of formal meal was a wonderful. I know people won't agree with me but do analyse what matters for you and what doesn't. Our nanny fed the children before we stopped work,. It doesn't mean you don't talk to each other but it means the hassle of an evening meal disappears. It particularly works if you have an office canteen or school or university lunch at work anyway.

I return to work FT March 2nd when my DD will be 12 weeks old (also have DS, 3, and returned to work when he was 9 mths - BF to 11 mths).

I now live in a country where 45 days leave is the norm and managed to take a few weeks more. I am the main breadwinner.

Want to carry on breast feeding, does anyone have advice on expressing at work? Or whether it's a good idea to go home in lunch hour to BF (home is 20 minutes by bus from office), when I don't normally have a fixed time to eat lunch and almost never in the past had a 'lunch hour'? Only place to express is glass walled boardroom which is only meeting room, office is open plan. Two toilets for men and women, not sure if they have power sockets.

If DD were older I would be more confident my supply would adjust to mornings and evenings but worried that as she'll be 12 weeks will need to express in day time to keep up supply. Other option is for DH to bring her to work around lunch time and I can BF in car. But am not sure if I would want to tell colleagues I am doing this. I am the only mother in the team, everyone else is either much younger - barring my boss, who is male, and one older female colleague who doesn't have children.

If she were 6 mths and on solids etc when I went back I would have no compunction at mixed feeding with formula, but would really like to make EBF work. Just not sure if I am setting my expectations too high - hard enough to manage FT return to work and going back into a really busy stressful job without trying to keep up day time BF and expressing...

Thanks guys - it is an interesting debate. Just not quite what I'd envisaged from a thread for mums returning in January to support each other!

Kalidasa I agree with every word of your post. I am also ambitious and love my job but decided a long time ago that working lots of eve/weekend overtime was antithetical to my quality of life. I was single and childless at the time and sure I would have stayed that way if I'd continued to work all hours!

Anyway I can retire to the postnatal thread for some emotional support so no harm done

Laura, I agree with your comment about deciding what is important to you or not. There will inevitably be compromises along the way.

For my family, it is having a live-in aupair. I understand many families will not like the privacy intrusion and disruption - because frankly the quality of aupairs is a bit hit and miss and there can be high turnover - but the flexibility of good live-in help is life-changing.

Our aupair does the schoolrun, chivvy the children to do their homework, gives them dinner and gets them changed into their PJs, tidies up their room and clears the kitchen before dh and I come home. She is the first line of cover (we pay extra) if we need to work late, the children fall ill or need to be collected early from school etc or just babysitting.

In the office, I pretty much function as if I have a stay-at-home spouse and haven’t had to rush home for anything. Having live-in help allows dh and I to do business trips quite easily because our aupair knows the routine and papers over the cracks. She is a godsend for ft working parents.

Quite a test today. DS was horribly sick in the night so nursery is not an option today. This is the first time this has happened - he was/is not a 'sicky baby'. He seems absolutely fine this morning - full of beans and eating normally.

I have a big deadline tomorrow. My commute is about an hour, DH is 20 mins. So no point in me going in - I'll be working from home.

DH had a meeting first thing so I'm at home with DS. DH will be home at 11 so I can work for a few hours whilst he sees to DS. Hopefully we can both work during lunchtime nap. Then we'll take turns this afternoon.

My boss was understanding - but it really depends on the quality of what I deliver. If it is high quality and on time there will be no problem. Otherwise this will make me look very bad.

Wish me luck!

Good luck ice hopefully your Ds catches up on sleep with a nice long lunchtime nap x

That's tough Ice. We have had some stressful illnesses as well, though we use a childminder rather than a nursery which means she is a bit less strict than some nurseries and is happy to take him with a cold etc. He does tend to throw up with bugs though and then of course he has to stay at home.

blueshoes can I ask you what the expense of an au pair works out at? (Once you factor in extra food, paying for language classes etc as well as actual payment.) Our flat is really too small for an au pair at the moment but we hope to move to a house shortly after a second baby and would definitely consider it then. We are also trying to think through the options for extra help during a second pregnancy, as I was extremely ill throughout last time (in and out of hospital and eventually in a wheelchair) and we will need a lot of help at home to manage.

Ah good luck Ice. DD had two rounds of tummy bugs before Christmas so I'd have barely been in work if she'd been at nursery - luckily we have a nanny.

Still a struggle with the lack of sleep though - DD was up three times last night (return of teething I think) and she's not a great sleeper at the best of times anyway.

kalisada if it turns out you don't have the space for an au pair, another option could be a nanny share - near me there are often parents whose children have started school so their nanny is free during school hours, and they are looking to share with someone who only needs school hours help.

Hi kalidasa, how much you pay the aupair depends on how many hours a week you need her for, typically 25 - 35 hours per week. Our aupair costs us about £400 per month in London but expect to pay more if you live outside a big city as many aupairs prefer to live in a city. When we moved, we had our aupair in mind and so made sure we had a extra room. Board is also much more expensive in London and aupairs are willing to accept lower pocket money in return. I don't pay for language classes and not all aupairs need it - one of my requirements is good English anyway. I also did not want a driving aupair so moved to within walking distance of the dcs' schools. We have ordered our lives around aupair as the childcare solution until our youngest, ds is 11-13.

Feel free to post on the "childminders, nannies, aupairs" section of mn if you need more specific advice just ignore the inevitable posters who are all too keen to equate aupairs to slave labour

expressing - eagle, well I just took myself off to the toilet (no one would have known) a few times a day and I think I found one loo in the office block which was not much used and a large disabled one too at some stage (I did this in different employers with 3 different babies - expressing at work) .

I found a battery operated hand held breastpump worked. I think if I had been known to be doing it I would have found it harder to express, harder for the milk to let down. I took the milk home in an insulated freezer bag with an ice pack in . I fed immediately before I left home and the second I got home and of course at night and weekends and holidays and it all worked fine. I would think my employers would not really have known as lots of people go to another office for a chat or some go outside to smoke. It was not as if I were working on a factory production line. However I lived too far to get home at lunch time to feed and not worth having the nanny bring them in to feed so that was not an option but it would have been easier.

With the last two children I was working at home most days so our nanny just told me when they needed feeding (twins) and I fed them (much easier than expressing but you just work with your working life at the time).

Thanks blueshoes and minipie. We don't really have room for an au pair at the moment but might if I was as seriously ill again throughout pregnancy (because it would effectively free up my study for the duration - depressing but probably true!). But we are planning to move to a 4-5 bed house shortly after a second baby so certainly would then. I think it might be really helpful for us once we have two small children and are both trying to work - especially as our commute would also become a bit longer as we would probably move somewhere a bit further out.

We are in London (NW3 at the moment so relatively central as London goes). Interesting to know that the going rate is a bit lower in London though it makes sense I suppose.

I don't have the time to deal with aupairs. I hired a lady who has raised three lovely children. She lives down the road from us (three houses down). Network in your community to find your 'village'. You and your DH can't raise your children alone regardless of your work status. There are dozens of families on my street with kids. I was the only person to approach my neighbour and ask if she could help us.

Just finished first week. I'm having a wobble :( I've always worked ft but DH used to do 4dpw so it's the first time my dc have been 5 days at the cm. I feel guilty although I've got them at 4 every day. We are buying a house this year and I need a ft salary on the mortgage application so no choice really but I feel terrible today.

Wobble?why what's upset you?you must lose the guilt and the face
You work hard to make a happy home your wages pay for that home
As said on thread,compartmentalise,be grateful for the opportunity maintain career

if they are used to the childminder 4 days a week (and you have always worked 5 days a week anyway) I don't think the extra day is likely to make much difference. It will be fine.

I know. I know. Just a little tough settling back in!

I have a wine and a pizza now, anyway!

Chin up bigkid! It's ok to have a wobble every now and then, don't beat yourself up over it. Enjoy the weekend with your lovely DC and hopefully next week will be a little easier.
I expect it just takes a little while for the new routine to bed down but I'm sure both you and your DC will get there.

What kiwi said.

Don't waste time at the weekend thinking about it - enjoy your family time. It will get easier!

Why wobble?

If yo have made the decision that going back to work is the best for you and your family then why guilt and doubt?

This thread is full of mothers who think going back to work is the absolute best thing to do- so I don't know why the problem- unless you are not 100% confident about your decision.

I ditched my job and became a SAHM e and didn't have a wobble once. But then I knew that I was making the best choice for me and my family.

atthe I'm not sure your post is helpful - are you trying to make bigkid feel guilty? She explained why she felt that way.

I agree with scottish and the others about embracing the positives of working ft and not feeling like you need to feel guilty. But there is no need to parade your SAHM status and lack of wobbles.

Well that was a bit pointed stroke!

It's also my first full week back from maternity leave, which I think is the reason for me being a bit emotional, rather than specifically because I'm full time.

I'm also exhausted! Am working 6.30-3.30, playing wih my dc till 7 then I do bath and bed and lunch boxes and cleanin and so on and falling into bed at 9. Can't wait till we move and can afford a cleaner :)

I'm ok now anyway. Ive had wine and my mum came over and did the washing up