Why do you work? (serious thread...)

[popsycal]

For parents who work outside of the home at paid jobs (as we ALL work at home...!)

Thread title says it all really. Is it exclusively the money aspect, or for the independence (financial, emotional, psychological) etc....

yes, that Sunday afternoon feeling is kicking in again.....

I worked initially because I needed the money. I initially left after ds was born and we couldn't survive without my wage. However, I absolutely love my job. Have increased my hours over the years and last November upped to full-time. It is too much with 4 children so might drop back down again to 30 hours. I love being a midwife which compensates, but I hate the politics that goes with work. I would love to be an independant midwife but financially couldn't take the risk.

I think it means so much to have a job thats worthwhile like yours, mears. My job was so unimportant (selling long term financial investments that I didn't believe in). I really felt like there were so many more useful things I could be doing (being home with dd). When I do return to work it will hopefully be to a job I can feel good about. Motherhood certainly changes your view of life

Pops, agree with what others have said about working for adult company, friends and conversation other than about teething/colic/nappies etc. Wanted to add my experience of supply teaching. I went back 5 weeks ago doing primary supply just for 2 days per week. Initially i was on a long term placement til July but I knew after a couple of weeks that the school did not suit me. Because it was only supply I was able to leave it(relatively) guilt free, and have now had 2 placements in fantastic schools, and really enjoyed the experience of borrowing someone elses chn without the hassles of planning, preparation,setting or marking homework, dealing with the demanding parent, collecting trip money, staffroom politics etc blah etc. The travelling is a bit of a hassle (I get nervous driving somewhere new)but my weekends are my own, It will broaden my experience for looking for permanent work later on and I still get to do the bit of my job I enjoyed before (ie actually teaching).
Another major reason for going back to work is for my relationship with dh. When I was a sahm, I was obliged to do all the cooking/cleaning/shopping/getting up at midnight with ds/tiding. In other words, all the boring stuff. Although he would never say it, to him that was my "job". Now at least he feels obliged to take a turn if i'm getting up a 6am to drop ds at nursery for 730.
I guess you might feel differently as I was only a classroom teacher and not in management, but if its any help. I'm certainly starting to notice an increase in jobshares in schools and being advertised, even with mgmt points as well. I guess schools would rather have 2 happy people working at 60 odd per cent (everyone knows that working half time really means two thirds!) than one deeply unhappy person spreading themselves too thin. Good luck in whatever you decide.

popsycal, could you manage on dh salary for a bit if you weren't working?

I know it's awful feeling you ought to be working to help with the finances and yet you miss you ds when you're out...if you were not to work for example for the next 2 years and give up your job, spend time with ds , you can still have mental stimulation by establishing social interactions within your local community (other mum groups)...I know you like your job, but you do sound like you're under a lot of pressure to be doing everything for everyone...would it REALLY be that bad if you DIDN'T work for a while(if you're a teacher then you'll be in demand anywhere I'm sure)...probably not the best advice I know...it's just that I gave up work the minute ds was born, we struggled financially and a result have big debts..

..but your children are only small for such a small amount of time...would you want to look back in years to come, in your nice big house but in the back of your mind be wishing that you had more time with your children,,,I know it's hard and boring sometimes being at home...but please don't burn yourself out...you have a right to be enjoying, EVERY SINGLE DAY of your life...btw I went back to work working 3 night a week til midnight it was boring and tiring but evening work meant I got to see children (if you don't want to give up the income...Hope you're alright

because we need to get a nest egg behind us to emigrate and to pay for dd's nursery ( important for her to have socialisation)

POPSYCAL - I can appreciate where you are at - I used to love teaching and thought I would love to get back into it after having a year off with dd - hate it, teaching difficult classes with very little management support, some of the staff are nightmares and I have so much work to do - including parent evenings, paperwork etc.... and I am not middle management - took a step backwards to just classroom teacher.

Why not take the step of doing supply but just at your school - we have staff off for a number of reasons - what about exam invigilation with the summer exam period coming up (at your school) .... exam marking - SATS, ( i marked sats papers last year did a few - not exactly taked myself and earnt £2000 in that time - they are crying out for markers......) GCSE's....exam marking can be very lucrative......

My partner works full time and we get a good amount of WFTC as his wages are crap. I would love to go to work, not for the money but for the adult conversation, interaction e.t.c. I have tried to get a part time job but as i have no experience what so ever then i've had no luck

Popsy, my situation is a little different. I have to work as I am the main breadwinner, there was simply no discussing it. DH knew that I always dreamt of marrying a rich man and being a SAHM, but it wasn't to be. We are in a unique situation as DH is in a career where most people are out of work (an actor) and I earn too much for him to claim anything (not a huge amount my basic is just £24K). However nearly 2 yrs ago I decided I couldn't continue with commuting and the crap side of my job (we live 70 miles form london, so it was 1 1/2 - 2 hrs each way) and I took a massive step to move to a local job. I had to take a 30% pay cut as well, but at least I saw my kids. I went from leaving home at 7.20 and arriving back at 7.30, to leaving at 8.50 amd getting home about 5.50.

The leap into the unknown was terrible, I had been in a big london publishing company for 5 years, I had management status and I loved my job. Until I went back after the 2nd mat leave and I had a new manager who didn't understand anything. I was pushed out in London, I don't think I would have made the leap infact as I was too scared to contemplate moving (being that breadwinner!) But the day I decided to leave, I saw a job in the local paper!

" yrs on I am still earning less than before, but I don't have commuuting costs and smart suits to buy so we have a bit more to spend, I see my kids more, and if one of them needs me I am 10 mins away by car. The best thing of all is that my boss simply offers me the car keys if I need to go

At the moment we are in a different situation as dh actually has a job for at least a year, so between us we earn nearly £45K, but we still don't have monety as there is two lots of childcare to pay for.

Personnally in your situation I would think seriously about how much you are prepared to put into your job and try to stck with that. If you want a second child, stick it out until you get teh mat leave and then change things. You have every righ at that point to get teh extra flexibility and teh moneyside won't suffer

Good Luck

realised I was not much help but wanted to try and offer other possibilities that you may not have thought about - if you had then just ignore me

because I love my job...
not going to work would be like not picking dd up from nursery for me...

Thank you so much, ladies, for taking the time to give such lengthy replies to my somewhat crazy ramblings! I feel a little better now - ironing done, and have done the bare essentials to go into work tomorrow without having a complete stress! The rest will have to wait.

After next baby (whenever that may be!!), I will definitely be going part time - financially, we will be better off if I do what with childcare costs etc. I need to weigh up the different aspects until then!

Again, thank you sooooo much for your kind words!
Popsy xx

For us the right balance between maintaining a reasonable lifestyle (financially) and a good quality family life was for me to return to work 3 days. We had to give some things up to make this possible - foreign holidays, most nights out, a lot of clothes/similar spending. But are able to afford caravan holidays, a second car (we live in a village), spending on activities for DS which we would have struggled with on one salary. But I think I would have struggled on a 7.45 to 6 day 5 days a week. We would both have seen less of DS and would have spent half the weekend doing those things I can fit in on Monday and Friday.

DS has benefitted greatly - he has always loved going to nursery but I think appreciates the time we spend together and going to Mums and Toddlers on Mondays and swimming on Fridays. I went back to work when he was 15 weeks and plan to return with the same hours when the new baby is born. Also am not currently planning to go back full time once both kids are at school. Although may try to negotiate a change of hours to accommodate school (eg starting at 9.30 or spread over more days or whatever) - there is a precendent on my team for this.

popsy- before having ds1 I planned to return part time, but changed my mind when he was born.

Initially I carried on as exams officer working from home but that didn't work out.

Then I started with homework high one night a week (the internet thing) and started going into work at my old place tutoring on Saturdays. Didn't have to pay childcare, and dh got a day with ds1 (which meant he was useful with him, and understood the problems etc).

When we moved from London I had to give up my Saturday job I looked at authoring revision aids, but then started to claim carers allowance- so together with my homework high stuff it wasn't really worth doing.

If there are tutorial colleges near you why not look into that? The work is much more flexible, it's fun, because the colleges are small so later on if you want to return to work full time you can fast track so to speak to management positions (I was offered Director of studies but turned it down as I wanted to stay at home). You can also do easter revison and get paid a fortune for 2 weeks work (although its hard work).

Not sure where you are- contact me offlist if you want tips for good places to work (its a very small environment so everyone knows eveyone else).

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Hi popsy, glad you are feeling better today.

I work full time (soon to go 4 days a week) but I am based at home though have to go to client sites often. Being based at home is ideal as I get to hang out with dd until 9am and then see her at lunchtime and am here for her when she gets home in the evenings.

I really only work for the money, but not for the things it buys me (other than lovely holidays which I adore) but more for the independence it buys me. I really don't think I would like to be dependent on dh as our relationship has always been one of equality. I am not saying that being a SAHM is not equally as important as work, but we have been together 14 years (dd is 1.5 years old) and it is hard to change the dynamic of our relationship so dramatically.

Add to this the fact that I work in IT which is so rapidly changing that if I were to take 5 years out I would effectively have to start from scratch.

Personally I think the ideal would be working 3 days a week, which I am working towards gradually.

I work four days a week; we do need the money, but also I do love my job. Usually.

I work 3 days a week - and the money is important. But I think I also need the stimulation and the chance to use my brain in a different way to when I'm with my dd (18 months). My job is mixed, but when it's good I do enjoy it. I found it terribly hard when I first came back when dd was 6 months old - it nearly broke my heart because she was so unhappy at nursery. Now we're in a great routine - 3 days is perfect, still giving me 2 whole days with her at home. I would work 4 days if my dp would agree to work 4 so we each did one day with dd, but he's not interested!

I've been lucky that I can work part-time, I find it such a good compromise. I'm in awe of mums (and dads) who are at home full time. I adore my dd, but my days at work definitely feel like a break in many ways. My chance to play at being a grown up!

I went back to work when DS was very young through naivity, loyalty to my place of work, enjoyment of my job, and money. I would now like to work p/t (say, 2 days a week) but we are caught in the mortgage/income trap, neither my dp nor I would find it easy to find work outside London (so downsizing is not easy to organise).

Popsycal, hope you manage to resolve your own situation. Could you possibly take a 3 month sabatical and see how you like being a SAHM.
Really interesting thread about why mums work. I work part-time and have done since both children were 6 months old. I love my job, adult company, achieving stuff but I also enjoy the time away from my children. I love them to bits but I do find being with them 24/7 really tough. Maybe, partly because I am now a single mum (and have been on and off since dd was born) and because I have no family locally. I find when I'm working I enjoy the time I do have with my children so much more. I'm more patient, happier to stand in the park for hours on end etc. etc.
Good luck popsycal, hope you can find a balance you are happy with too.

Galaxy, I wasn't really given much choice as my London job wanted me out. But instead of finding another job in London, which I could have done, I made the choice to find something local. I was prepared to change career completely (I almost becam a car salesperson!) but as if by magic this job appeared Still the same advertising sales, but a better company. Infact it has worked on many levels as I now go to London a couple of days a week for meetings, but spend most of my time locally.

I worked initially becasue i had to really, for financial reasons. If we wanted to amintain our lifestyles and bring upa child we were both going to have to work. Also i didn't ever want anyone being in control of my money. I've kept seperat bank accounts for that reason and no-one can ever tell me that I really shouldn't have bought black dress / new boots etc!

The main reason for me really now though is that it keeps me sane.
I love my job and I love having something else to think about, and throw myself into other than what to make for lunch and tea. No offence to SAHM's with that statement, that's just how I PERSONALLY end up feeling. I feel like a STUCK at home mum rather than a stay at home mum.

I love that Lottie has a life independent of me and I have one independent of her. Due to the fact that i work she spends loads of time with her grandad and her nanna. That's not to say I don't miss her madly when I'm not with her and can't wait to rush home to her - but that's great, I love that I miss her and when I'm with her I feel it's real quality time etc.

When I have time off with her I end up resenting that I've done everything for her while D has been out at work all day.

Being a 4 day a week working mum really suits me and I'm very happy with the situation. I might be happier being a 3 day a week working mum but you can't have everything!

My story is similar to many others on this thread. Went back at 6 weeks (post c/s) and took DS with me. Used to work during thenight when feeding to keep on top of things due to fuzzy brain syndrome. Went back properly at 4months. Mostly becasue I had worked * hard to get to my position, I had always been a workaholic and loved my job. Then after a while the strain set in, doing drop off and pick up from nursery, trying to compete and keep up at work, missing out on alot as not able to stay after 4.50 as had to catch train home from London. basically crashed and burned, missed Ds, went down to 4 days, then 3 days and now live abroad and am pregnant so SAHM.
Took 6 month contract in less senior post last year and was nice not to have pressure but frustrating to be a cog and not a bigger part of the wheel but you can't have everything. At 2.30 I walked out the door and didn't have to think about work... I took that job for mental stimulation, some money of my own, to meet new people, get out the house and have smoethign to talk to DH about at the end of the day other than shopping and DS.
I will go back to work at some stage for all those reasons and am extremely lucky not to have to work at the moment but am looking at studying to keep the grey cells ticking and improve my chances when I do return to the work force.

pops, I missed this thread before. It's v. interesting, glad you started it.

When I got pregnant I was just finishing writing a PhD and was about to hit a point where I didn't know what would happen next anyway. But when dd was 8 months old I got a 2 day a week job as a film researcher so that I could get out the house and because we were so utterly dreadfully broke living on dp's research money. At most I would work 3 days a week (til dd is school or pre school age) because although still broke we can get by and I can't bear the thought of missing so much of her when she's small. I know it can drive you nuts to be home all the time but I guess I've kind of got used to it and almost like an addict, I need to see what she's up to and be there when she needs me or hits a milestone or whatever. We're not going to have any more so that's partly why I feel like this. And i didn't think I'd have any so I want to make th emost of her. I know soon enough she'll be at school and the week will be mine and I'll probably pine like a nostalgic old fruit about the long (sometimes magic, sometimes tedious) days at home with her.

I hope you resolve things. Put yourself forwards in the future to age 60 and ask yourself what you will regret - will it have been not persuing your career or will it have been missing ds's early years? Neither should make you feel guilty or like a failure because you'll be a FAB mom whatever you decide.

Get pregnant Popsy! (knowing you're travelling and won't read this, but will say it anyway). You're still 4 boys short of your ambitions!

I work, as much as anything, because too much time with my kids drives me crazy. (AND YES, I do feel very guilty about that).

am still here zebra!!!
that is plan a at the moment!!!

The thing I find interesting is that most of the replies on this thread have been from mums going back to work! Is that the norm these days?

I am a SAHM and I love it, I've always wanted kids and only built a career to do something in the mean time before I got married and had a family. I am lucky (or so I'm told ) to be able to be a SAHM, my hubby has a good wage. But even if circumstances were different I would make sacrifices. I would work around the kids and earn money that way. They are only little for such a short time and I would hate to look back and think i'd missed it. OK I'm not a fan of tiny babies and some days it can be a bit tedious. But it's what you make it. Get out, meet people, go to the park and just enjoy life. If you sit at home, moan and don't do anything about it, then of course it will be boring!!

Sorry this probably hasn't helped Popsy make a decision, but I felt SAHM's should speak out too. Popsy, go with your gut instinct, you'll get by whatever you decide. Better to look back on a few hard times, rather than regret!!