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Original poster

Mothers who work full-time - how often do you have your children's friends to play after school?

19 replies

Tinker · 22/01/2004 18:52

I'm getting paranoid that my daughter misses out on these things. I work full-time during term-time and after work I'm knackered. So I was wondering how other mothers manage to have their children's friends over after school. Or do you just not bother? I know you can make up for it at the weekend or during the holidays but it doesn't seem the same. The after-school tea seems to be a treat that my daughter misses out on a bit.

OP posts:

codswallop · 22/01/2004 18:53

Do you know I am a sahm and I find that ds1 (5)is too tired. He invites these boys over and then wants to watch tv.

How about Saturdays instead?

codswallop · 22/01/2004 18:55

have a look here

Original poster

Tinker · 22/01/2004 19:08

Thanks coddy but Saturdays are always rushed, alwasy seems to be too much to do. Plus, always think other families have things planned.

Oh, I'm just feeling weary. Must try harder.

For those who do have friends back, how often are you doing this? Every week? Every so often?

OP posts:

kmg1 · 22/01/2004 19:16

Tinker, how old are your children? Don't feel guilty.

We are in the same boat as codswallop - the boys are just too tired.

We always used to have loads of friends round to play before they started school. But now my boys just don't want/need it. After school they are shattered, and just need a bit of space and opportunity to chill out a bit. They have to be sociable all day long at school. (I've been a SAHM for the past 6 yrs, but am actually working part-time now). I keep thinking that in another few months they'll want friends to play, but it just doesn't happen.

Some people socialise like crazy with their kids after school out of some sense of duty/obligation, and for some children that's OK. But it really isn't necessary.

Original poster

Tinker · 22/01/2004 19:22

Thanks kmg. She's 6. We have had children to play after school and I've enjoyed it but it's exhausting. Just feel sensitive since tonight the other 3 in her foursome have gone to one friend's house for tea. Just feel they're all socilaizing like mad and she's being left out. I'm being stupid because this situation has arisen before with one of the other girls being 'left out'. Know it's not deliberate but just got me thinking I must try harder.

OP posts:

spacemonkey · 22/01/2004 19:22

Now I work ft from home my ds has a friend over after school roughly once a fortnight, but when i worked in an office, we could never have friends round after school because we didn't get home until 6pm so it just wasn't practical. Because I've worked ft for almost all of their school-lives, I haven't really got to know any of dd or ds' school friends' mums (surely my apostrophes are wrong there!), so I feel quite bad that we're not part of the come-and-play-after-school scene. Also none of ds' friends live within walking distance, so it always involves ferrying by car which makes it all a bit less convenient for everyone. DD is 12 now and has more of an independent social life, with friends within walking distance who can just pop in. I'll be happy for ds when he reaches that stage himself (he goes to secondary school next year)

codswallop · 22/01/2004 19:27

ditto kmg

Original poster

Tinker · 22/01/2004 19:32

spacemonkey - know how you feel about not being part of the come and play after school scene

OP posts:

spacemonkey · 22/01/2004 20:19

indeed tinker ... wish i could give up work altogether!

Marina · 22/01/2004 20:35

Tinker, I'm in the same position now ds is at school and I am working f/t and this had started to prey on my mind too. Where does your dd go after school (ds goes to After School Club which will be pretty sociable once they have more than one client )? Is she getting invites that you can't reciprocate during term-time? I just wondered how the other three households in the quartet were fixed and whether they could cut you some slack which you could make up in the holidays...

tanzie · 22/01/2004 21:52

Tinker - I am in the same boat. We never have anyone over after school, and I think DD is missing out - everyone seems to go to everyone else's house at some stage according to the list at school, but she has only been invited once or twice. We have her BF over at weekends after ballet some times (and she goes there), but yes, I do feel she is missing out. Lots of her friends go to Garderie after school for an hour or so and I wondered if she should do that too, a couple of times a week as she is feeling a bit left out at the moment. Have to make up at weekends (but we don't really) or school holidays (ditto)...

WideWebWitch · 22/01/2004 22:15

Tinker, as you know, I don't work atm but I do invite ds's friends back and they have a great time, play or disappear off and all I have to do is provide some food at some point in the proceedings. It's a very nice easy afternoon for me. The other child's parents will reciprocate at some point and I then won't have to pick ds up from their house until 6pm. He will also have had a lovely time and will have been fed and watered so everyone's happy! So my point is, I suppose, that it's sometimes easier having another child to tea in that your own child doesn't seem to want your attention so much (in my case anyway!) If you can't do it in the week could you call the parents of the others and arrange something for a weekend afternoon or for in the holidays when you're not working (aren't you working term time only now?) I bet some of them would love to take you up on it on a Saturday and then they'd reciprocate during the week. Anyway, appreciate this may not be workable but just a thought.

SueW · 22/01/2004 22:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

tigermoth · 22/01/2004 23:16

tinker I know exactly how you feel. At times in my sons's school life (when I have been at work full time) I have felt like this too. It was worse before we moved. Our old house was so tiny that it was prety impossible to invite his friends back. Too small a home is a reason I've heard a few times from my son's friends'parents over the years so it's not just full time workers who have this difficulty ime.

It is horrible if you know children in your dd's group are all seeing each other after school and your dd is being bypassed. I know this. If I were you, I'd swap phone numbers with the parents and be very upfront about the difficulty of inviting friends back during the week. But then say you are around all through the holidays and you hope to host a few get togethers then. And do it. You could even organise a small party to coincide with holiday time - it doesn't have to be your dd's birthday. I have to admit I never followed my above advice, but that was because I became a SAHM for a while, and at the moment my dh is working short days, so is around for the school pick up and can host tea parties. Even so, we don't have more than 3 or 4 a term and as far as I can see, that or less is the average for children in his class. There certainly doesn't seem to be a huge amount of after school socialising going on each week.

If you feel nothing but an afterschool tea party will do, can you arrange say one a term and leave work early to do the honours?

Original poster

Tinker · 23/01/2004 11:34

Thanks for your replies ladies. Glad (I think) to hear I'm not the only one who suffers some angst from this.

I do have friends to stay for the day during school holidays so she's not completely neglected but should be more organised with that as well. ANd I agree, it gives me a break, mostly, when she has a friend round.

I have been upfront with a few of the mothers about how I feel a bit bad about this. Last night my daughter wrote out an invitation for a friend to come to tea so I am trying...She just hasn't had as many invites at all this year as last year. She doesn't notice it but I do.

The logistics are difficult, I don't pick her up from school so if she has someone to tea I have to collect the friend at 5 which sometimes doesn't leave a lot of time to cook (me), eat and play. Ho hum, must just be more organised. I would love her to have a friend every week or fortnight.

Thanks again

OP posts:

Momof2 · 23/01/2004 11:45

Tinker, I am in exactly the same position as you, what I do is take off one of the inset days and have them all for lunch/afternoon (about 5 in total). It is CRAZY and absolute chaos, but I try to get everything planned and timed - like picnic on the rug in the fromt room and then the park. Also get out all the craft stuff on the dining room table and sit with them - but as they are getting older - DD is 7 - they tend now to go off and practise their routines for when they are a famous dance troup I try to do this once a term or take a half day and have them back after school.
The other thing I found last summer is that their parents were quite happy for me to pick up after work (about 5pm) and then collect them at 7pm, when the evenings are lighter etc. The only other thing I do is take DD and BF swimming after work for half an hour and that is quite an nice way to repay

StressyHead · 23/01/2004 12:04

message withdrawn

berries · 23/01/2004 14:11

I think the tea time invites tend to dwindle a bit when the kids reach yr 3, as so many of them have after school activities on various days, but also because they also tend to have little brothers or sisters who are now getting into the after-school stuff, it only takes 2 clubs for 2 kids on diff nights & theres only 1 free night left. Eldest dd can only get together with bf at weekends now because of this, so to an extent it soon won't make any difference whether you work or not. I would second the getting together on inset days or holidays though. I tend to do that with mine & they are always v. looked forward to & enjoyed (even I don't find them too bad now they're older). One other suggestion is if you ask 1 friend per month for a 'late' night on Friday - eq pick up straight from work & go for pizza or something. Your dd is probably at the age when she would really enjoy being treated a bit older, and it wouldn;t eat into your weekend too much. Most mums I know don't mind a late night on Fri as it may give them a lie-in on Sat.

tallulah · 23/01/2004 18:35

My youngest transferred to a school 22 miles away in Yr3, so it really wasn't practical to have people back, because of the difficulty for getting them home again.

The other parents appreciated our problem & he did get invites to other people's houses. I can count on one hand the number of times he has had someone over!!

I haven't ever done the school pick-up because I've always worked (was afternoons, then FT). Sometimes I came home to find DH had collected an extra child, but not often. I'm too tired after work & there aren't enough hours in the day to do all that needs doing.

Mine are all teenagers & don't lack for friends, so I don't think it hurts in the long run!

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