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Original poster

missing son too much

22 replies

getagoldtoof · 15/02/2013 11:56

I have been back at work full time for 10 weeks. I feel quite bereft when I leave my son each day. It almost hurts. He is 16 months, so hardly a tiny baby. He is looked after by family members only, so we are very lucky in that respect. I was at home one day last week and was reminded how much I loved being home with him.

My question is - is this normal? Will it get easier? What am i going to do!? Should I just stop moaning?

OP posts:

Metalgoddess · 15/02/2013 17:28

Is there any chance you could go part time? I totally understand how you feel, I have a 6 yr old who I still really miss when I'm at my part time job (on mat leave at the moment) I hate to say it but for me it never got easier, in some ways worse as they turn around and ask you not to go to work and how much they miss you. Hope it gets better for you x

Original poster

getagoldtoof · 15/02/2013 20:31

Oh. Worse? Oh no. It is making me desperate to have another baby as I'll get maternity leave.

Husband studying so at the moment no choice. In my line of work you can't do pt either.

Thanks for your honesty metal.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 15/02/2013 20:39

Lots on MNetters will tell you this is not normal and you should love going out to work and earning your independence.

Personally, I was mostly a SAHM until my youngest was in reception, through choice and luck (and I still only work term time), and when they went back to school after the school holidays I would cry.

Obviously this is because I am soft, rather than because I love my DC more than other people who can't wait to send their DC back to nursery/school lots.

I can only offer you my sympathy. I would have become ill in your situation. But yes, It does get easier as your DC get older. x

sleeplessinderbyshire · 15/02/2013 20:43

i found it pretty easy to go back after DD1. I went back to work last week 7 months after having DD2, I only work 4 days a week but I am hating it this time. I suspect it will get better and I do enjoy things like drinking coffee undisturbed and banter with colleagues but I am aware my heart is at home with my DDs and I just can't get fired up about work stuff the way I used to

girliefriend · 15/02/2013 20:44

I would say this is normal and won't necessairly get eaiser, sorry!

I work 3 days a week and find that to be the best balance as I still get to be 'mum' 4 days a week.

TBH if I was in a job where there was no chance of going p/t I would change jobs. You only have this time with him once and I would feel too sad about missing it.

Sorry probably not what you want to hear at all.

LynetteScavo · 15/02/2013 21:34

I'm really surprise people haven't piled on to this thread to reassure you it will get better/ convince you that you're odd.

Original poster

getagoldtoof · 15/02/2013 22:03

It's really interesting actually, LS. I thought I'd get a smack round the chops and a stiff telling off. I know women historically have had to fight for the oppourtunity to go out of the home and work.

Part of my problem is that I judge parenting for a living (social worker). I have studied child development, attachment etc. I know my son's life is not in any way bad, but it isn't as good as it could be.

I thought that being able to make the time I spend with him high quality would make up for it, but I just can't. I can't force three hours a day to be fun, morning and evening when we're rushing to get ready for work or bed.

I feel trapped. I really understand why some parents make a choice not to work at all. And I really don't understand when people go to work to 'get a break'. Perhaps not everyone feels the loss.

OP posts:

CaptainSweatPants · 15/02/2013 22:06

Could your partner get a weekend job so you had more cash coming in to reduce hours?

Original poster

getagoldtoof · 15/02/2013 22:07

sleepless - the banter I used to love at work now passes me by. I
can get involved, but I think the fact I'm not fully connected shows.

OP posts:

Original poster

getagoldtoof · 15/02/2013 22:11

Yes captain, possibly, but we are not allowed to go pt at my workplace since we are called in to court at the drop of a hat, have families who need to communicate etc. This also means you have to be very engaged, which I'm finding hard since I returned!

I think I'm going to keep at it for a year, then maybe ttc our second child. By that time DH may have a job and I could stop it all.

OP posts:

Metalgoddess · 16/02/2013 10:17

I was full time before my ds then went to 3 days after him. If work hadn't allowed me to drop my hours I would have definitely quit and either become a SAHM or got a different part time job even if it was a big money drop. I just personally couldn't work full time with young children, it just wouldn't be worth it for me, they will always come before a career for me. They are only young once and we have years to go back to wok/ original careers etc, it may not be easy but still possible. A child will never wish that their parents spend more time at work. I don't like working 3days a week but I am lucky that I work a mixture of earlies/lates/nights so get to regularly do school runs/pick ups/ homework / school activities etc, I can't imagine never beng able to do those. Could you do agency social work? My friend does and earns good money doing this and the flexibility is there.

GettingGoing · 16/02/2013 16:11

Your post is really sad OP. Could you maybe use those skills to do something on a commercial basis? Offer parenting skills workshops or something like that, so that you could work from home with someone looking after him? Train as a counsellor and use those skills to work with parents?

Bouncey · 16/02/2013 21:11

I work 3 days a week and have been back at work for 3 months. It has got better, but I still miss dd a lot. What has made it easier has been the fact that her nursery is very good, and seems to be really helping to keep her stimulated.

Like other posters, had I not had the option of going part time I wouldn't have gone back. I realise I am very lucky in that respect though.

LynetteScavo · 17/02/2013 14:50

OP, the way I cope at work is by totally switching off from my DC. I know they are happy and safe at school, and I try not to think of them. A colleague has picture stuck up of her DC. I couldn't do that, as it would send me into a wobble.

The past couple of weeks, I have started to think of them during my working day, and I have gradually become more and more stressed. Thank heavens half term is here, and I can spend some time with them, and relax.

You are thinking your sons life is not as good as it could be....but of course it's the best it can be. The money you earn is ensuring that.

Spero · 17/02/2013 14:57

You feel what you feel. I was crap with babies and more than happy to get back to work. I would have been a miserable and sub standard sahm.

But that's me. You need to work out what you can do to be as happy as poss. SW very demanding job with young children.

Minipig007 · 17/02/2013 19:26

hello!,

Ok, my DD is 16 months old and i've been back at work full time since August. I hate it. It's sent me into a depression that i'm fighting to get out of. We have no option of me going part time because a) my work don't offer it and b) we just entended our mortgage for an extension and as i earn more than DH i have to keep going.

Unfortunately, it is killing me. I have never ever done anything so hard. I hate that other people spend more time with her than I do. My Mum has her three days a week and tries to confirm that she knows my daughter better than i do. I was so hoping i was going to come on here and see people say it got easier. The fact that it doesn't has made me cry. :-(

Original poster

getagoldtoof · 18/02/2013 08:53

Mini i feel your pain. However, I spoke to my family about this yesterday. They said it is really helpful for children to be able to say goodbye to the main carer safe in the knowledge their carer will return. My mum explained that my son gets grizzly when he leaves my sister's care (she normally looks after him in the week). The fact he has built a bond with her is very good for me. I know he feels safe with her. Do you have this when your daughter goes to your mum's?

If I were you, I would have a word with my mum. Perhaps she doesn't know how much that upsets you?

Also, one of my colleagues, a very senior social worker told me that she had read some research that children are able to have 12 attachment figures comfortably. I take comfort from that. You are not damaging your child - even though it hurts you, she is gaining from being around a mixture of adults.

But I know it hurts. I have the monday morning blues as I type! How I long for a three day working week.

OP posts:

Original poster

getagoldtoof · 18/02/2013 08:57

Thanks spero, it is an emotionally taxing job and time consuming. I understand you're in the same field. Most of my colleagues don't sustain this job for a long time, and those who have babies invariably move on from CP work. I think that is a loss because as a parent I can bring a good perspective to assessments.

Thanks for the input spero.

OP posts:

lljkk · 18/02/2013 09:37

I think that it is lovely that you enjoy being with your son so much. But that's partly because you are working and not with him tonnes. I suspect that if you didn't work at all you might crave some time apart.

Spero · 18/02/2013 13:16

Should have said its a very demanding job full stop! But add a young child into the mix, that you are missing... Very difficult combo.

I know very little about how social work operates, other than child protection work - is it possible you could move sideways, less front line role? At least until school starts. It would be a shame to not use your qualifications and experiences but like I said, the heart wants what the heart wants and it sounds like yours is giving you a clear message ...

jellybeans · 21/02/2013 21:43

I was the same and gave it up to be a SAHM. Great decision for us.

Beachcombergirl · 22/02/2013 19:57

I'm due back in work soon when dd will be nearly one. I'm about to ask to go 2.5 days from ft but I really don't think they will let me (they have turned down many others in the past). If this is the case, i will therefore have to quit after working my notice. I can't bear the thought of not being at home wih my little one. My mum died suddenly a couple of months ago so am grieving also. Dp and I live a long way from any other family so t would have to be nursery. I can't bear he thought of a stranger changing her nappy or feeding her. Those are my jobs.

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