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Original poster

Going back ft tomorrow...new job....can't do it....

24 replies

Samie10 · 01/01/2013 17:12

Back at work tomorrow FT to a new job, after 4months mat leave. I don't think I can do it, I feel physically sick. DD will be with nanny, my hours are such, I won't get home to put her to bed. How do you cope? I want to ask new boss if I can work afternoons from home, how do I approach that when I havent even started....I can't leave my baby......

OP posts:
jkklpu · 01/01/2013 17:19

This is really hard. Going back to a job you know after maternity leave is tough enough, but into a brand new job, that's really difficult. Are you completely new to the organisation as well? How much do you know about its culture of flexible working, family-friendly policies? It's really important to give yourself a chance to get used to it, as well as giving your baby a chance to get used to the new routine. If you really want/need to make a go of FT working, then you'll have to make the best of it until you work out how flexible you can be. Unless your new employer has lots of experience of people in similar situations (and is sympathetic), they're unlikely to take too kindly to this kind of request right at the beginning, unless you raised flexible/remote working in the interview, of course.

How flexible are the hours? Do you have a DP who could work flexibly, too? Perhaps one of you could start and finish early and the other start and finish late so that one of you is always there for wake-up/breakfast time and bedtime. You shouldn't have to work all this out on your own. And really do take it day by day and try not to think too far ahead.

Best of luck.

Original poster
Samie10 · 01/01/2013 17:31

Thank you for the kind reply. It's a brand new job. I don't live in the uk, where I am they are not too sympathetic to working mums, we only get 45days mat leave, to extend you have to take annual leave, unpaid etc. My new boss is British, therefore, I am hoping he will have some understanding. I did mention pt working at the interview but he did say, that the reality of the position would require ft. If we could come to an agreement on the hours, i
believe i could put the required hours in, probably more, I just want to be home mid afternoon. It is doable and I would obviously be flexible to the demands of the job and happy to review any compromise if it was felt it wasn't working. DH is in quite a pressurised job and is just starting a project which will require very long days and possibly weekends. I thought I'd be ok going back to work, I have always worked hard and long hours but I'm not. My DD means far more to me than a job but I know deep down I will enjoy it, if, I can be around for her. I'm thinking of giving it a few weeks and then suggesting the WFH. The way I feel at the moment, I don't think I will be able to get out of the door tomorrow.....

OP posts:
nannynick · 01/01/2013 17:39

How long have you and your DD known nanny? Have you left them alone for any time during your maternity leave?

Having confidence in the person caring for your daughter will be a help. Having updates during the day may help or may make things worse, as you will naturally be missing your daughter.

Can your daughters routine be planned to an extent such that she is still awake when you are home? If you get come snuggle time after work, perhaps some playtime even, that may help.

Original poster
Samie10 · 01/01/2013 17:47

I had the nanny start before DD was born! She is lovely, i have 'practiced' leaving DD with her for up to half a day. I do trust her and DD adores her BUT, she is not a relative, she is not me or DH. If we had family around it would help, I could cope better if I knew she was with grandparents. She sleeps at around 6, I don't know if we could change her sleeping pattern, I guess there is a way to do that, however, I didn't have a baby to spend 15mins a day with her....sorry....why is life so bloody difficult....grrrrrr.....if I didn't have to go to work tomorrow I'd pour a glass of wine now!!!!!

OP posts:
Iggly · 01/01/2013 18:18

The feeling is normal but it is harder when they're younger. I felt the same after going back with both of mine - it was harder second time around.

I'd book in some annual leave to give yourself something to look forward to. Can you sleep with your dd for a bit? That helped me with my youngest. She's fine now going back in to her cot!

What are your job options, can you give yourself a trial period?

Original poster
Samie10 · 02/01/2013 14:36

I did a full day, I was ok if I tried not to think about her and no one asked me if I had a child...if they did, I had to choke back the tears. Got in the car to drive home and had a proper cry, raced home to find she had been in bed for 30 mins already......not sure I can do this again.....

OP posts:
IceBergJam · 02/01/2013 19:20

I had my first day back today. It is horrible isnt it.

scottishmummy · 02/01/2013 19:23

no it doesn't need to be like this,you need to prepare,be ready and return
imsorry but if you expect it to be dreadful it probably will.reframe how you see it
stop the mummy guilt, do anticipate some wobble but overall you work to make it ok

DeafLeopard · 02/01/2013 19:28

Well done on getting day 1 over and done with. It does get easier honestly.

Can you try and time shift her afternoon nap a bit so she is awake later and then at least you will get bath-time with her?

Original poster
Samie10 · 03/01/2013 15:54

IceBergJam yes it is! How old are you babies?
scottishmummy I hear what you are saying but how do you prepare? I had an offer and within 2 weeks I was back, I had to start when they needed me, I had no time. Before DD I would have jumped at the chance but my priorities are so different now. Having said that, I'm able to switch into work mode and enjoy it, until something makes me stop furiously concentrating then I'm very sad....
DeafLeopard thank you, I did it! End of day 2 for me now too!! We are working on changing her sleep patterns and rather selfishly, I did move her into bed with us this morning at 5 which meant she was awake by 6 so I had a couple of hours with her...then...this evening I arrived home at 615 expecting her to be asleep, however, the people in the apartment above us are moving. Their noise had woken her up, so I just managed to have an hour and a half with her and she wasn't even grumpy!! That has made my day more than anything in the world!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 03/01/2013 16:07

prepared by maintain work contact on mat leave.sourced good nursery
I was clear I was working because wanted to, and it make valuable contribution
mummy guilt isn't inevitable,it's a stick to beat us with.don't give it head space,men dont

Original poster
Samie10 · 03/01/2013 16:14

I thought I was going back after 10 or 12 weeks, which is extended mat leave where I am. I was made redundant, so have had 4 months...I think had I gone back earlier it may have been easier as I was prepared for that. Men are lucky, they don't always feel the emotions in the same way that women do, or, are conditioned not too.
I love the new job, I like that feeling of me before baby again, however, I want to be with her also. Can you have it all?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 03/01/2013 16:18

no,samie you're buying into the mums feel it more myth.of course dads miss newborn too
but significant difference is societal expectation.men expect to return to work
they dont burden self with mummy guilt,or encounter the give it all up martyrs

Original poster
Samie10 · 03/01/2013 16:23

So how do you not feel guilty abou being with your child? Or, if not guilt, longing?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 03/01/2013 16:27

why do you you assume guilt,it's not a given.I've never felt guilty
I love my dc,secure attachment,loving parents. i dont need guilt it's toxic

Original poster
Samie10 · 03/01/2013 16:30

I don't assume guilt. How o,d are your kids and how old were they when you returned to work? I agree with you about guilt, toxic!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 03/01/2013 16:32

nursery ft at 6mth.it's been unproblematic
I knew I'd return to work,planned it.maintained contact
there's no have it all something gives,can't be housewife with great career.can't work and be housewife

Original poster
Samie10 · 03/01/2013 16:38

Ahh but can you take a step sideways or back in your career to try and achieve a work life balance? Is that ultimately satisfying or only short term gain?

OP posts:
forevergreek · 03/01/2013 16:56

I would get nanny to add another nap in the late afternoon ( say 5pm nap for 45 mins or so), then you can put to bed later and have a little bit of time then. A baby of 3 months should have around 16-18 hrs sleep a day. When thy have it is irrelevant really. So a later bedtime should work fine if you want it

Original poster
Samie10 · 03/01/2013 17:03

She did have a sleep at 5 but that seems to have stopped and she wants to sleep at 530 to 6..how do you make a baby sleep?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 03/01/2013 17:03

adjust routine with nanny samie,so you see baby.
if you keep thinking working a life of guilt it will be,self fulfilling prophecy
you build a present of work and parenthood you can live with.you make it work

Megan74 · 04/01/2013 18:47

Change routine so baby is awake and you get to spend some time with her. Give it 6 months and then talk hours if you can. I really don't think you can ask for an alteration in hours when you have accepted the job on a f/t basis. It will be fine. Smile

Original poster
Samie10 · 05/01/2013 04:57

I've been getting her up at 0530 so we have early feed and playtime, at least we have time in the morning. I'm not asking to reduce the hours, I want to be able to have the flexibility to work from home some afternoons. The new boss seems quite reasonable, im going to give it one more week and then propose it to him. At the end of the day, I want the job, I've enjoyed it but we can change the way we live so I don't need to do it. Ultimately, DD is the more important to me and I don't want to miss out on this time with her. I reckon the new boss will go for it, he will actually get far more out of me if he does.

OP posts:
lisata · 10/01/2013 00:15

Good luck Samie10 - let us know how the conversation turns out. I can empathize hugely. When I had my DD I was working in the UK but for a US manager. I had to have some difficult conversations around my hours as I couldn't cope with how little I was seeing her. It worked out fine in the end. Working from home is much more acceptable these days. Although they may want to get to know you a little longer before they will let you do it.

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