Is it usual to have 'formless' misgivings about your childcare

[handlemecarefully]

I'm not 100% happy with my daughters Day Nursery. Its not like she's new there - she has been attending since January this year. However she recently moved to the toddler section a few weeks ago.

I can't say why I feel mildly disastisfied with the Day Nursery - there have been no 'incidents' (such as arriving to collect her and finding her in tears etc), the food is okay, the staff are alright etc....

Do you think these formless worries are just a bit of maternal guilt at 'dumping' her there for 30 hours a week?

How do you feel about your childcare?

Guilty! HMC it's completely normal, part of being a mum is the guilt. It does sound like you aren't 100% happy, maybe the staff should be better than "alright" and you feel that they aren't giving your dd the stimulation that you could, but then no-one but a mother/father could!

Could be guilt HMC, but I have to say I don't have such misgivings (even though the staff ratio at dd's nursery is lower than I would like). There again she only goes for 20 hours so I get to feel mostly smug rather than guilty - but 30 hours isn't a huge amount either.

Not much help am I? Have you asked your dd how she feels? Does she get excited when she goes?

HMC - My ds is 2 yrs 3mths and he's been in Nursery for nearly 2 yrs. I have went through phases of this. When he was a baby it was the fact that sometimes when I collected him hs nappy was dirty. And now it's that perhaps the other kids might pick on him or they are not helping him eat.... just little things. IKWYM though.

I think it's perfectly normal and probably has a got a bit to do with guilt.

If there aren't any problems I'd just shrug it off as another one of those things that Mums feel guilty and worried about!

I'm completely happy with ds2's nursey - so much so that I pay for him to go there even though I'm no longer working.
I did however look at others that seemed OK, but weren't as "right
Key factors:
The staff at ds2's nursery are very loving - both my boys were cuddled and loved as babies - the staff seem so genuine.
The premises are purpose built and well equipped.
The food consists of proper lunches and teas, nutritionally balanced.
Open door:- You can come and go anytime - you go into the rooms and stay as long as you like - the staff are always willing to discuss his day at length.
DS1 - just started school is doing really well in both socialisation skills and learning to read etc - and I give major credit to the nursery for that.
Finally the nursery is council-run, according to strict standards, and is not run for profit.
Some of the private nurseries that I saw, whilst acceptable, were just not as good.
HTH

HMC - You could be me! My dd goes to a nursery, just moved to the toddler section (in fact she has quite a trauma over that move), and she does 3 full days there. The nursery is 'ok' in fact the staff seem very loving, but it's just not the same as home. I go through phases of being really unhappy about it - sometimes dd does cry when we leave her and it's heartbreaking, sometimes they mess up on little things that we would do differently at home. But gradually I'm getting a bit more relaxed about it - I know they'll do things differently to me and being a bit of a control freak that's hard to take. I don't like the way they use food to pacify the children, and I'm sure my dd doesn't get quite the attention she would from me on my days at home. But those are actually positive things too - it's good for kids to get variety, it's good for them to socialise with other kids and other grownups and it's good for them to realise that people do stuff differently.

I get frustrated that the staff are not good at giving a detailed report of my dd's day - we just get "she was fine, she was happy, she ate all her food, she slept, she drank her milk etc", which I think is what everyone gets.

But I think all of this is normal - it's tough to leave your baby, but I know rationally that it's good and necessary for both of us. You'll be a better mother for a bit of worrying!

Message withdrawn

HMC, I believe that we should trust our intuitions and that you should look into your misgivings further, and look around at other childcare options. I have used various forms of childcare, eg main Nursery for a few years, overseas nursery during overseas job, various babysitters in the evening when I go out, grandparents, friends, creche at evening classes, creche at gym, and various holiday kids' clubs. I believe that when you feel that the childcare person is sensible and reliable, you don't get these misgivings, but when you have a nagging worry, it usually means that they are not following your instructions, are not loving towards your child, lack commonsense, and are just not right for you. When you really like your childcare, you feel happy and warm towards it. I have been choosing schools also on the basis of these intuitive feelings as well as hard facts. I hope that you can get to the bottom of what is concerning you and sort it out.

handlemecarefully, we recently just "visited" a school/nursery for my dd for NEXT year and i feel guilty already! I do think it comes with the role of parent! If you are not happy with the place though, maybe you should think about looking around for something else.....Have you spoke to your daughter? Is she happy there?

I'm another 'formless' worrier - ds loves his nursery and there are very many positive things about it, but at the back of my mind I can't quite get away from feeling that it is just not the same as home. Of course I can see that being in a nursery environment brings positive advantages, but if I am brutally honest I know that he would gain all those advantages if he went for 3 or 4 half days a week - in reality he is there 8+ hours a day (3 days/wk) for my and dhs needs and not his.
But at the same time when I actually sit down and consider the alternatives, I think I would have the same feelings wherever he was. I'm sure I couldn't find a better nursery; and I'm sure if I found a childminder I would have misgivings about that too.
I guess the important thing is trying to distinguish between the necessary compromises we make to balance the needs of ourselves and our families, and whether there really is an issue with the nursery that could be solved by finding an alternative.

Do you know what it is HMC, in my opinion, no-one is ever going to be good enough for your child. That sounds a bit harsh and I don't mean it like that, I wear a smile when saying it and there's a tounge in my cheek!

My best friend looks after my little girl - couldn't get much better, but even with her I sometimes think, 'hmmmm, did you stimulate her enough today', 'Hmmm did you steam her veg or microwave them', 'hmmm where were you when she got that scratch on her cheek', and so on and so on. As soon as I think it, which I don't as much these days, it's gone again.

They are the most precious, important, loved people in our lives. We live them and breathe them and in my opinion feel it's so natural that you'll have a few formless worries when she's not with you.

Don't feel guilty about abything, you sound like a great mum and a few hours away from your child is good for both of you.

HMC I would say it's definitely guilt - and maybe a bit more complicated than that. I find with DS that I go through phases of feeling that the nursery isn't good enough (so I feel like a bad mother for taking him there) and other phases of feeling that he is better off spending lots of time there than if I was a SAHM (so I feel like a bad mother for dumping him there).

Pidge I would say something about your nursery not giving you much information though. We get a sheet of paper home every night with the following information:
number of nappy changes (wet / soiled)
amount and timing of sleep
general disposition
amount and timing of milk
meals - what was served and how much he ate (usualy some main and all pudding in DS's case!)
what activities he did

They also put extra information on there sometimes like "today I took 10 steps by myself". I really like receiving these sheets as it makes me feel much more involved.

Thing is DS cries most days when I leave him there which is horrible but I know he's OK because i can see he has such a regular plan of things to do at nursery. Also the staff cuddle him loads when he gets there. I found this funny to start with as it's odd seeing your little boy being cuddled by a "stranger" and liking it but it's good if they form attachments like that.

I do still have misgivings sometimes - the staff are so much younger, but then they are trained to deal with things - I am not.

I would say HMC, try to get as much info about your DD's day every day and if you still have misgivings then ask to spend some time at the nursery with your DD. It might help ease your mind. Don't worry too much though, probably just guilt and totally normal if uneccessary!

Thanks very much everyone for your advice,

I think I probably do have a bit of a mix of maternal guilt coupled with (a possibly groundless) suspiscion that there are better Day Nurseries around.

I'm going to use my day off work next week to look around 2 local nurseries on a kind of scoping visit - this should either reassure me that my Day Nursery is fine and there is no need to move her, or it might make it apparent to me that she could be better off elsewhere - either way I'll know. My dd doesn't seem distraught to be dropped off at her current nursery but neither does she look particularily eager. Resigned acceptance is how I would put it! Unfortunately she it too young at the moment to have the language skills for me to ask her about it.

I think I might also use the 'excuse' of my 2nd baby (due next spring)to reduce my hours at work from 30 to 24hrs (although don't know what dh will say!!) Some of it might be about 'balance' and I might feel better about her childcare if I spent a little less time at work and more time with her....