Is it normal to still feel pangs of 'grief' for lost career 7 years on?!

[Bramshott]

Like many people, I had a busy, fulfilling career before I had children. Probably worked too many hours, too much travel etc, but I loved it.

After DD1 as born (she's now 7) I made half-hearted attempts to keep my job on in some form, but because I'd had a rough time with the birth etc, my heart wasn't in it (only 6 months ML then) and it didn't work out. Logically I know that this was probably for the best as it wasn't a very family-friendly career.

Since then I have been lucky enough to do various bits of freelance work in my field, which is sometimes interesting and quite full-on, but it's not a 'career' really. I mostly work from home, which I am finding increasingly isolating.

For various reasons I feel like a 'crisis point' is coming - partly because I am now at an age where if I'd stayed in my career I might be at quite a senior level, in a 'visible' job, and partly because DD2 will be at school next September (Sept 11) and I guess I had always thought that I would be back working in a 'proper job' at that point, whereas now I just can't see how that could happen.

Sigh. Apologies for the self-absorbed whining! Anyone else?!

This has been a fascinating read! I am at the beginning I suppose with a 2.5 yr old and 8 mth old. I had a great job etc.. etc.. and hope to maintain it. I am looking for P/T work but there is nothing, what there is is poorly paid and low level, in fact I would loose money after childcare costs. I have however been offered a contract working 12 long days straight without seeing DCs which makes me feel so sad but also turning it down makes me feel frustrated and angry and of course trapped. I keep being told to wait and that 'my time will come', when the kids are at school I can take on these contracts. It seems this is not the case and I should get involved now if I want to. I have grandparents to help and my DH will take 2 days off work to be at home and will do weekends. It's only 12 days and then I would be home full time again, however would my DCs cope with the change to routine, would they miss me too much? Will I cope not working at all?
What is best to do long contracts and not see my DCs for periods of time (up to 12 days) but keep my career alive or be at home with them but not always very happy about it?

Bramshott - I think it went well . . . I'm still waiting to hear, was told they would get back to me mid next week - which is today by my reckoning!

It was a bit odd being back in my old office and the interview swayed between an informal chat/competency based interview.

Since the interview I've had a lot of time to reflect - would be very chuffed if offered the role and would take it . . . however, I'm thinking now that if I don't get it I am going to give myself a break and just enjoy the time that I have now got . . for a little while at least. My son isn't even full-time yet (after half-term) and it would be nice to have the opportunity to do all those jobs I've been meaning to do for the last seven years as well as taking a bit more of a structured/considered approach to my job hunting.

So, it's the waiting game for now - I wonder what fate will decide!

I also meant to add - both my sisters-in-law are pregnant and I have advised them that if at all possible to return to work part-time - even if it's just for 1 or 2 days a week. They have both trained professionally for their careers and if they do not keep-up-to-date it could cause real issues for them in future.

I've said before that I wouldn't change what I did, but with the benefit of hindsight I do wish someone had pointed out to me what the issues may be 7 years down the line. I really didn't think about it at the time - I was so glad to not be working!

Excellent news Newbeliever! I have just been working on my CV .

"Writing it here will make me do it" - never a truer word spoken

Who else thinks doing CVs etc is massively time-consuming???

I did my two job applications - the first one took about 15 hours over two weekends, the second about 7 hours over two nights.

The first one I already have some contact with the organisation, the second was completely cold ie they have never heard of me.

I sent them off into the world and we will see what happens next.

Fingers crossed .. and for you Newbeliever

A ray of hope for you all I hope. I have been off for nearly 3 years. I conacted my previous employer last week and have been offered my old job back after christmas. 3 days a week with flexi hours to drop DCs to school so only need after school care. Not sure if I will take it (i know sounds mad but there were reasons I wanted to leave the place!). Point is, it can be done. If you can call your old employers.

Thank you to everyone who's shared their experiences here, I'm just going to ramble a bit as need to get some feelings off my chest. I work part time 3 days a week, DD is 17 months and I went back when she was 13 months. At times (like right now) I'm finding it hard to be without her and wondering if I should stop working and spend these early years with her and not worry about what I'll do once she goes to school and I want to work then. Seeing so many of you have a hard time with the work issue makes me feel part time is the way for me and to keep going. I have a good job that I really like, isn't stressful, currently Grandma does most of the childcare with a bit of Daddy thrown in and this will continue until DD is 2, so v lucky.

I do make myself miserable thinking round and round the options and generally end up feeling that I will regret whatever I do - if I stop work then in a few years I'll regret it as won't have the lovely job I currently have and v hard to find similar, certainly not as well paid, will have to start over, prob something local and far less good in every way; if I carry on working now I'll look back and wish I'd spent more time with DD when I could (she is an only), even part time with lots of days off feels too much and today I want to cry as I just had a week off and it was wonderful. But then would I have enjoyed the week so much if I hadn't been working in the previous weeks? Argh.

As another poster said, wish I could be a successful author, would be perfect work-life balance for me

Zoideberg - Its only been 4 months. If you are unsure I would give it a bit longer. At least until you've been doing it for 6 months. Then write a pros and con list for working and another for not and take it from there. The way I see it you have a PT job you love that pays well and your DD is looked after by her family. Sounds perfect to me. But then again it depends whether you are happy with your childcare arrangements.

I dont want to pry into your finances but for me its been tough living off one salary. Write down your outgoings and be really honest. Include everything even down to coffees and the little bits and pieces you buy. Could you afford this on one salary? Would you have enough for large unforeseen expenses like car repairs? holidays? would you need to cut down? Where would that be?
We live on DHs salary but there is a limited amount for clothes, car repairs, holidays, getting anything done on the house so there is a constant need to budget. I have found this useful in many ways and TBH once I return to work I wont go back to my spending ways but ti has been hard and we have got ourselves into debt. If you think money will be tight I wouldnt do it.

With regard to regret I think guilt just comes with motherhood which in turn leads to regret. I think you need to look at what you are doing in a different light. Your DD is getting looked after by people who love her and you are able to provide for her. I worked PT after DD was born but gave up after my yougest child for the last 3 years. I dont think my DD has been disadvantaged in anyway by spending some of her formative years without me. COnversely, I dont think ds has been particularly advantaged by me not working. I send him to playgroup three times a week anyway .

Its a difficult one but the answer has to come from you. I tore myself in pieces about giving up work 3 years ago. At the time it was right for me and us. I remember feeling envious of those who stayed at home which answered the question for me. However, I am now ready to go back. I will stop wittering now. Best of luck.

I hope you do not mind me joining this thread as I was pleased to 'stumble' across it when planning to start a similar one about my situation.

Like so many other people who have posted I have surrendered a well paid and very stressful job after the birth of one of my two children back in 2005. I have subsequently given birth to another child who is now 2 1/2.

I often see jobs advertised but the ones that pay well and I am qualified to do would mean nightmare child care arrangements. The other jobs that are more flexible do not pay quite so well.

Unfortunately I do not have any family close by to offer assistance with childcare so it DH and me. He is supportive in that he says when I am 'ready to return to work' we will sort out the childcare arrangements however, I do feel frustrated as it is ME who is having to give up a career which it took many years to train for (just like him) as I am the one who is aware of the benefits to the DC of someone consistent being there for them!

So in answer to the OP I do still grieve for my old career and cannot see how at this rate I will ever return to work (until DC2 starts school and childcare is less complicated!

Feelingsensitive that was a great, insightful post, thank you. I need to stop thinking it over so much and just be for a while, and as you say give it longer before reviewing the situation.

Well I worked on my CV over a few days (you're right MrsB - takes forever!!) and have sent it to a contact to look over and make comments. Not quite sure how it reads as I have been out of the flow for so long! That's one of the problems of freelancing - you don't get that steady flow of other people's CVs to nick ideas from that you get in an office!

Sorry - realise I am now using this thread as a personal 'to do list' to chronicle what I am doing to get back into the workplace!

No, you're being a role model and an inspiration to those of us who are still sitting here feeling faintly panicky and more than a little ancient...

... or maybe that's just me (14 years down the line, but then we hadn't allowed for the non-childcare-friendly autistic one).

I freelance. It's OKish but going nowhere. Sigh.