Is it normal to still feel pangs of 'grief' for lost career 7 years on?!

[Bramshott]

Like many people, I had a busy, fulfilling career before I had children. Probably worked too many hours, too much travel etc, but I loved it.

After DD1 as born (she's now 7) I made half-hearted attempts to keep my job on in some form, but because I'd had a rough time with the birth etc, my heart wasn't in it (only 6 months ML then) and it didn't work out. Logically I know that this was probably for the best as it wasn't a very family-friendly career.

Since then I have been lucky enough to do various bits of freelance work in my field, which is sometimes interesting and quite full-on, but it's not a 'career' really. I mostly work from home, which I am finding increasingly isolating.

For various reasons I feel like a 'crisis point' is coming - partly because I am now at an age where if I'd stayed in my career I might be at quite a senior level, in a 'visible' job, and partly because DD2 will be at school next September (Sept 11) and I guess I had always thought that I would be back working in a 'proper job' at that point, whereas now I just can't see how that could happen.

Sigh. Apologies for the self-absorbed whining! Anyone else?!

What an opportunity for you to do something new! Perhaps my story will help you to move on.
Like you I was grieving for my ?lost? career and started to become quite depressed. Then I discovered Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). I went on a course and it changed my life! The skills I learned enabled me to become better equipped to handle change, to identify what I really want to do in the future and, most importantly, to move on from the past.

NLP helped me to better communicate with my children, pass on accelerated learning skills and equip them with invaluable life skills. I also learned work-related skills that would definitely increase my value to future employers.

You could do that, Bramshott, it is a win-win situation. There is a need for regular course attendance (including evenings and weekends) which has been a deterrent for many of my friends who were interested in promoting their personal and professional development but because of childcare commitments could not embark on the course.

This deterrent (regular course attendance) and my absolute passion for NLP, I saw as an opportunity to fulfil my long-held dream of running my own business. In my former life I had been a teacher trainer so I used my skill of developing courses to create an NLP course that can be taught flexibly. To cut a long story short: I have been teaching NLP successfully for 5 years now in Richmond and the unique feature of my courses is that content, focus and attendance pattern can be shaped to meet individuals? needs.

NLP has changed my life. I don?t know where you live in Britain but there must be an opportunity for you to attend an NLP course that you can fit in around your commitments. I can promise that the many insights you gain will get you what you want and will open countless doors for you.

I wish you every success!

Bramshott - just wanted to say that your post inspired me to do something about my 'grieving' for my old career.

Like you, I have had 7 years out and my son is due to start school next week. I have been really concerned about what I am going to do - for the last few months I have been applying for local part-time jobs with no interviews whatsoever. It has really knocked my confidence and I have been starting to question whether I actually dreamed the career I used to have.

Anyway, after reading your post I was suddenly struck with the thought- why can't I have my old career back? I picked up the phone and called my old company (the first time I have rung since I announced I was leaving), luckily a number of my former colleagues are now in senior director roles. Within a couple of hours of calling, the HR director rang to invite me to an interview next week - can you believe it! The job is in my old dept but a step down from the work I was doing before - 20 hours per week - more than happy with that. Suddenly feel a ray of hope that I haven't lost the career and if I want it, it's still there waiting for me.

Only thing that is bothering me now is if I don't get the job - how awful will I feel then!?! Wish me luck!

Hi Bramshott, sounds like you've got a lot going for you and you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to get some of your life back.

I moved location 6 yrs ago and had some really boring jobs after having 2nd child.

I persevered as a) I had a social life, albeit at work and b) I needed to keep my career going on some kind of basis. The money was crap but that wasn't the point.

As a creative person it may be worth looking at taking on a franchise/starting up your own business whereby you have to get out there and network (should be something you're good at). Check out this website which helps startup businesses: www.venturenavigator.co.uk/skills

Wow, so many responses! I am in similar situation, have a 5 year old son. First was back at work 4 days/week in a less-rewarding role. Then went to my dreamjob, but 5 days a week (and more), worked myself to death not to be made redundant, was made redundant after all a year ago and wondered: was it all worth it? The answer I found: no, not for me. Now SAHM and doing some free lance work. Theoretically ideal, but I have dips weekly. I love the space in my life, lack of stress and what I do day to day. I struggle when I see others who did manage to find a good part-time job AND be promoted AND have time for their kids (living in my home country, it seems much easier). Feeling I am left behind somehow. Why is it such a struggle I wonder, to be a woman. It shouldn't be. Now I am starting a website to support and inspire women to lead fulfilling lives. Does anyone know what makes it such a struggle? Is it for most of us, or just for some? Is it a luxury problem of those who want to have it all? Most men and women probable HAVE to work, and no time for choices whatsoever, right? Are they struggling with their roles too? Would love to hear some of your thoughts.

Don't have time to read whole thread just now - will come back to it later - but, OP, are you me???? Could have written this myself. Except I went on to have two more DC's and have moved to the other side of the country where there just aren't the opportunities in my line of work. Glad I made the decisions I did, as they have certainly been best for the family, but still miss it....

Wow - more responses! Reading them now . . .

It's reassuring, but also somewhat depressing to see that lots of us feel the same way.

Newbeliever - so glad this thread inspired you to do something! Fingers crossed for your interview!

In terms of what I've been doing, I have signed up to various job alerts emails, and organised to have lunch with my old boss on Monday to pick his brains. I am not rushing into anything, but trying to take time to work out what I want to achieve. Maybe I'll also stop rushing into taking every freelance job going and be a bit more strategic about what I take on.

I am lucky in that there are lots of part-time and freelance opportunities in my field, but slightly trapped geographically as there is not an obvious organisation to work for near here. But maybe I can manage a commute if its not every day.

The major thing I have to do is talk to DH about how I am feeling . Been putting that one off. I don't think he really understands as he works long hours and would say he'd love to have the freedom to give up work or go freelance (although really deep down he wouldn't!). Sadly my work will always be much worse paid than his because of my field.

Ho hum - onwards and upwards!

Gosh, I came to this section to post something similar, and found this thread already here!

Can I add my feelings/situation too..

I have two DCs aged 10 & 8. Like many others I had a 'big' job/ well paid/ lots of travel/perks etc. I was even lucky enough to work within a couple of miles of home.

The last 10 years have been difficult though. DS1's birth was horrible and I think I had undiagnosed PND (but went back to work at 6 months).
Then DS1 had various health problems and we were ferrying him around appointments.
Then my mum (350 miles away) was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Then DH was made redundant and had a period of unstable other jobs/starting his own business.
Then I got pregnant with DS2, but was quite ill at the beginning of the pregnancy.
Then I was made redundant while pregnant .
DS2's birth was also quite difficult, but I had found another job and went back to work at 6 months.
Then Mum died about year later and I was really struggling at work with grief, 2 young DCs, FT work and DH's hours working in his business.
I asked to go part-time, but was refused then was made redundant about 6 months later

Since then I've managed to set up a business and do some freelance work, but like others, I feel a 'nobody' and isolated, and I keep looking enviously at friends with 'proper jobs'.

A perfect job was advertised just this week. I KNOW I could do it, and could have a reasonable chance of getting it, if I could find my old vigour and enthusiasm and competitive spirit!

The problem is all the hurdles keep surfacing in my mind:

• how/who would handle after school care
• DS1 has 11+ exams in Jan, and he needs stability over the next 3 months
• DS2 has some (mild) learning difficulties, so who could I get that has the right patience to help him after school with homework etc?
• at the moment there are lots of things that happen because I make them happen (e.g. friends round/ eating healthily/music practice etc) I know these would fall by the wayside if I wasn't around to manage them.

DH works from home and already helps a bit with after school stuff, but I don't think he's be willing to take it on 5 days a week.

I feel so TRAPPED! I feel everything I do is for everyone else and that if I don't get 'back into' something then I will miss the boat completely (I'm 44 btw).

I'm so tempted to go for this job to see how I feel about it during interview etc, but I'm also so worried about the impact it would have on our family if I got it/took it.

I know DH would say 'go for it', but he wouldn't pick up any of the workload in the evenings weekends. I'd still be responsible for all the school stuff/friends/ kids' well-being etc and I just fear I'd end up doing everything badly.

oops, sorry - that was looooooooooooooooooooong...

Obviously needed to get that off my chest!

I came onto mumsnet this afternoon to post this same problem and feel quite shocked to find so many of you with similar feelings. My Ds is 7 and DT's nearly 4 and start school next September. I never intedned to be a sahm but like somany of you it just happened and some where along the line I resigned from the job I loved and had done for 15 years because to it was too hard and too expensive paying childcare for 3 children. I had an interview this morning for a voluntary job in an area I would like paid work with but at the moment there is only voluntary work but it will mean 8 days training!!! I can;t pay childcare when I won't be earning anything! I had tried to go back to college but again I would have childcare costs to pick up from pre school and no income. DH has a good job and works long hours so can't help. I feel trapped. I was prespared to be at home for this next year till DT's stat school but with so few jobs around I feel that it unlikely I will be able to do anything interesting. I don't want to be at home when the kids are all at school. I have alot to offer an employer but how do you get back on the ladder!

Blimey, I'm another one who was in exactly the same situation after I had dd1. Left a job I loved so much and pined for it so much. I had regular dreams where I wS back in my old job, then woke up to find I was back working from home as a freelancer and really wanted to cry.

Mine has a happy ending though. After 8 years, tHrough a miracle, I bumped into an old work colleague who told me she was leaving. I applied and got my old job back, well actually a better paid and even nicer job at the same company. I have been back five years now( pt as had another dd too) - best thing I ever did going back. I defintely think fate intervened for me somehow.

Sorry for my many spelling mistakes! I am employable honest!

Nice to read the stories of it woring out for some of you. The theme seems to be returning to your old job/contacts. That is not an option for me as it was a goverment department that has merged so I do not know any of the new people!

Good luck to those with interviews

Hmm, that's interesting. I am in two minds about whether its healthy to go back to the same organisation I used to work for, or whether I need to "move on", both mentally and actually. They have had some changes recently in the dept I used to work for, and I was wondering about approaching the new boss (who wasn't there when I was) to see if there are any opportunities, but not sure if that looked sad and desperate! But maybe I should just send a speculative email . . .

I felt a bit funny about going back but my old colleagues just welcomed me back really laid back and now most of them forget I was ever out of the organisation for 8 years or whatever. It just felt right for me!

Bramshott

Send the email. Go on. You have an entree, ie you used to work there, so you are already head and shoulders above other people making speculative approaches.

Hi all,

It is reassuring to see that we all feel the same way. My situation is a bit different as DS is 2.5yrs old and goes to pre school 5 morns a week. I work full time, I went back to work when he was 5 months as I work in a really competitive environment. I had to put him in full time nursery initially cos DH also works full time but I make a lot of sacrificd. Basically, 30 days of holidays are spent on him. I try to take a day off every week to stay with him and take him out. My message is whatever way you choose, it is hard. I look at SAHMs and I envy them but I NEED to work. Keep going mums, cos you are the best your kids will ever have.

I'm in a similar boat and feeling very trapped and lost too. Like others, my self-worth seems to be tied up in what I do, and knowing how undervalued motherhood is, I don't expect others to value me for being 'just' a mother.

My youngest child started school a week ago and I never expected to be in this position. I continued to work when DD1 was born but stopped, for various reasons, after DD2 was born. I spent several years training for a new career and then, when DD1 started school and DD2 was in pre-school, and I was job hunting, we moved to a different part of the country. Just as the first recession was hitting and to a part of the country where my type of job is more scarce. I managed to get 8 months in a temporary role last year but now, with the new government and more job cuts, there is little hope of me getting another job in this field - it's very public sector orientated and often the first type of service to be cut back on.

I feel like a fool for having wasted time training for another career that has never materilaised, except for an 8 month spell. I now wish I had waited and that I was able to go back to (better chosen) post-grad study now, but I needed to be studying as soon as I was a SAHM for my own self-worth.

Now DD2 is at school, I'm giving myself a year to research and try to become self-employed. But it's hard to motivate myself when actually, all I'd like, is a proper out of home job. If I don't find a firm, feasible business idea within a year, then I will simply have to retrain. I'm not quite 40 and potentially have 30 years of working life left! But what's a good career to retrain in when you're 40 years old and want to ensure there will be a job at the end of any further study??

Has anyone found any organisations that have been helpful in getting women back into work after some time at home with children? Is there any support out there?

Well I had lunch with an old boss yesterday for some career advice which was great. It took all the emotion out of it! I am looking for a job, that's quite a 'normal' thing to be doing, I have specific requirements, but not insurmountable, and need to network as much as possible. He agreed with you Mrs B, that I should write to my old company, not specifically because I'd love to go back and work there, but because it's a good contact, and who knows what it might lead to. He also gave me a couple of other ideas for contacts.

There is a job advertised at the moment which I might apply for - 0.5 time through the year, with 5 weeks full time over a summer festival, in the right sort of field, although it would be sooner than I want really (i.e. the festival for 2011 rather than 2012). Still I should apply I guess . . .

This is a very quick reply as I am on way to work but ...

Bramshott - that's great! I will apply for two jobs that I have seen coming up and you apply for yours and we can compare notes if you like (my two jobs - one is marginally more senior than I have at the moment, but higher public profile and more in my area of interest, one is in my area of interest but with a type of organisation I've never worked with before).

Pernickety - don't despair re your training, really don't. Some of what the Govt is cutting will be picked up by the private sector, either to supply services to the state, or as a profit making opportunity. Why don't you have a look to see whether there are any firms who might be in a position to supply what you do - just a thought ...

Wish my luck everyone, got my interview tomorrow. Did some panic preparation today - suddenly realised I was being a bit laid back about it all as the invite to interview seemed so informal and the job is in the same department albeit 7+ years ago! So, spent the afternoon on the SHL website doing the verbal/numerical reasoning tests, read through the job description, my CV etc Have haircut booked for 10am tomorrow - give me a bit of confidence - + new pair of shoes (which I will probably struggle to walk in !) Early night tonight - anything else I should be doing?!

Bramshot = meant to say, do get in contact with your old employer, what have you got to lose? You never know where it might lead - I am sure employers would rather re-recruit someone rather than advertise/use an agency, especially in these cost-conscious times.

Good luck NewBeliever!

Good luck newbeliever!! You can do it!

I am feeling a bit less keen now about this job I've seen advertised - it's not the perfect job, and as DD2 is not at school for another 12 months, it's not really the perfect time either. I am torn between thinking I should apply anyway, good practise etc, and then work out if it's right for me if they offer it (which TBH they probably won't, as I don't have all the skills they want), or whether I should just leave it and just be encouraged that there are jobs out there which are possible. I have till the weekend to work out which!