Is it normal to still feel pangs of 'grief' for lost career 7 years on?!

[Bramshott]

Like many people, I had a busy, fulfilling career before I had children. Probably worked too many hours, too much travel etc, but I loved it.

After DD1 as born (she's now 7) I made half-hearted attempts to keep my job on in some form, but because I'd had a rough time with the birth etc, my heart wasn't in it (only 6 months ML then) and it didn't work out. Logically I know that this was probably for the best as it wasn't a very family-friendly career.

Since then I have been lucky enough to do various bits of freelance work in my field, which is sometimes interesting and quite full-on, but it's not a 'career' really. I mostly work from home, which I am finding increasingly isolating.

For various reasons I feel like a 'crisis point' is coming - partly because I am now at an age where if I'd stayed in my career I might be at quite a senior level, in a 'visible' job, and partly because DD2 will be at school next September (Sept 11) and I guess I had always thought that I would be back working in a 'proper job' at that point, whereas now I just can't see how that could happen.

Sigh. Apologies for the self-absorbed whining! Anyone else?!

It is nice to know other people feel this way too. I had every intention of going back to work, really enjoyed my job and had been with my employer for a long time. However, when faced with the thought of leaving my son at 7 months old, I just couldn't do it. I felt anxious when I handed my notice in because I knew it was such a big step and such a big part of me and my identity that I was essentially going to lose and I did worry at the time that I may not find a job as and when I wanted one. However, it was the right decision at the time for us as a family.

My son is now 14 months and I am looking to go back to work, I have had one interview and two other informal interviews. I didn't get the first job which really knocked my confidence even though I wasn't entirely sure it was the right job for me. After a year of my son being my main focus, it is hard to get myself back into work mode and even remember some of the things I did! Does anyone else feel like that?? The meetings/interview I have had have been good practice and I am hopeful I will get something soon. I have enrolled my son in nursery 3 mornings a week, he started 2 weeks ago and seems to be enjoying it, I think then the transition for me returning to work will be easier for us both.

My other challenge is that part time work is virtually non-existent in Dubai so I may have to go back full time to get a good job. Anyway, I am trying to remember I was very good at my job and have a lot to offer, I just need to make sure I put that across in interview and remain confident...

- are you all me??

Was just about to start a thread asking for experience of a career change / studying with DCs at school (9&7) as i know i need to do something different to what i was doing.

But all i can see at the mo are 1,000,001 things in my way...

Do you think i should put it in this topic or in chat?

Can so relate to this:

I hated my job and was relieved to pack it in when I had twins 6 years ago. Suddenly now I have started to feel very wobbly, and my self-esteem has plummeted. My career is dead, never to be resurrected due to the nature of my work and I feel like, wow, that's it then, all that work for nothing. I feel like a fraud being a SAHM when the kids are at school, and I feel like I am just somebody's mum and somebody's wife.

Worst of all I have started telling anyone who will listen about what I used to do ( as though anyone gives a shit ) but it is like I can't accept that I am "just" a mum now.

Except I didn't have twins! Three singletons instead.

I was fine until DC3's last year before starting school last week, when I realised I would be 'redundant' from 9am-3pm but without the fat severance cheque that normally accompanies redundancy. I feel a fraud staying at home and kind of think 'what's the point of me?' [that sounds dreadful - I don't really feel that low!] and feel I am just consuming the world's resources without producing anything.

well, i started it

I have a similar problem but different in that my job is great for getting a work/life balance. I have just started maternity leave, get a respectable 6 months full pay (although I was working part time before I left so not quite full pay). Can pretty much name the hours I want to do when I return. Flexi-time, and once I leave work that is it, no worrying or working from home.

However I wasn't happy in the job when I left. I will go into a different role when I return but if I still don't enjoy it I will have to wonder what I am doing there. I have no idea what else I would do. Despite a Masters degree I am basically qualified for nothing! And my job skills don't transfer easily.

I need a careers advisor!

Thinking about this from a different perspective - my Mum was very much a WOHM, while my MiL was a SAHM, and gave up her career as DH was quite ill when he was little. Yes, there were definite disadvantages to my mum WOHMming when we were young (and she had given up the travel that she used to do), but there were advantages too.

However, MiL found being someone without a job / career increasingly hard as the children got older, and particularly when they left home. Meanwhile, my mum was able to take her career in new directions as we grew up.

DH now worries a lot about his mum's well-being, as she never seemed to get back the confidence to do anything outside the house, and became increasingly isolated as she lost 'mum friends'. He feels he needs to check on her regularly to make sure she's okay (which often she isn't). Meanwhile, my mum has retired and keeps herself twice as busy as she was before, and absolutely loves the new challenges and the socialising.

I'm sure a lot of it is down to innate personality, but I do think that DMiL was poorly served by giving up work entirely to look after her children, and ironically it's DH who now feels the pressure.

I am so relieved I am not the only one feeling like this. Last week was particularly bad as my ds has now started school, which means I have two dc at school and nobody needs me anymore till 3pm. I feel so lonely, before I had ds1 I thought I would really miss work. But I loved being a SAHM and when ds2 arrived 2 years later I had handed in my notice and truly enjoyed life with the little ones. Although I enjoyed my job I never actually loved what I did and have no idea what I want to do next. Some people have said I should have a third child but I am not sure if I really want a third one (I sometimes do and sometimes don't) and I would like to find a good and flexible part time job and return to work but it also really terrifies me......

The Alice Walpole story makes me feel quite . I used to work for the Foreign Office myself but gave up when I had dd1 because I don't think it is a career that is particularly compatible with children. I went to boarding school myself and refused to even contemplate sending my dd's. However I do get really down when I think about where I could be in my career had I stayed.

What we need is more p/t jobs that can be fitted in around school hours. Then perhaps more people would take the first few years off, knowing they could get back into work when their children reached school age.

In the meantime I dream of becoming a best-selling author, a perfect career to fit around children (until you have to do the promotional tours of course...in my dreams!!!)

Thank you so much all of you, have just read thread through and it has really cleared my mind and made me feel normal. I have been out of my career for 3 years now, as a SAHM. DD is nearly 4yo and DS nearly 2. I never intended to give up work, I went back full time after DD was born but she didn't settle in childcare and DH is self employed so I had to give up work, it was meant to be temporary while we found alternative childcare but then I got pg again quicker than expected and here I am 3 years later. I've done a Masters degree in the time I've been away from work but that seems to count for little.

I hadn't realised until I read the thread but my self-esteem is being really rocked by not finding a job, I keep pretending I'm not really looking to family and friends when the reality is there seems to be nothing I'm qualified for. I earnt a good salary before the DCs and don't feel it fair that I go back for less money when I've done further study but I guess that is the reality of the situation and I have to take the hit. It is so demoralising.

I've applied for plenty of PT jobs but only had one interview, they said I was over qualified for the position, had too little current experience and although they never said so I could tell from questions they asked that they were concerned about me having preschool children. They employed a 60 year old man instead.

So I've started to apply for FT posts now as PT just isn't going anywhere and will cross the childcare bridge when I come to it. I had a letter of application looked over by an ex-senior colleague who told me the same as previous interview: over-qualified and lacking current experience. It makes me angry since if I'd carried on working, even part-time I would be earning £10k more now than I was 3 years ago even without promotion. I wish someone somewhere would value the fact that I committed to my child when she needed me, despite the financial and emotional costs.

hello just a quick post as I'm meant to be making tea....!

I could identify so much with what everyone has said, and what a relief not to feel so alone!

Anyway, for those living in London boroughs check this out

www.womenlikeus.org.uk/home.aspx

They support women returning to work and give workshops on CVs, interviews, job hunting, career change etc. I've been on the CV workshop and found it really helpful as its tailored completely to the problems we all face as mothers returning to work. It's all free too if you work under a certain number of hours or don't work at all. It's all scheduled within school times too so you don't have to get childcare!

just the other day i was looking at some clothes in a magazine. they were the type of clothes that i would wear to the office. that day was the first time i said to my husband that i wish i stayed in my career which was going so well and paid really well and living in california. that was 8 years ago and nearly 3 babies later and a move to england. i would be scared that i would not get hired anywhere now that i am just on the other side of 35. luckily my husband tells me "no rush". would not trade my time with the kids though.

I wouldn't trade my time with the kids either, I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to spend time with them while they are little. But now I am feeling less and less needed by them and more and more put upon. My status with DH has definitely taken a nosedive since me being at home became more of a normality than a novelty. He now just assumes the housework etc. should fall to me, which I guess in many ways it should, but I feel a bit lost.

I could have written al these posts. Been at home for 3 years. DS now in nursery and DD in school. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time at home and feel really lucky to have been able to do so but also feel that if I dont get out there soon I will regret it. DS starts FT school in 2 years and I dont want to be at home then. Even now with him going to nursery a few days a week I fele less needed. I have contacted my old company as a start point. I am also going to hone my CV skills and start applying.

Perhaps need to practice my typing as well!

Thank you so much everyone for this thread. It is so good to feel that I'm not alone. I'm looking for work now that my son is at full-time school and it is very demoralising. I would like to work part-time so that I can pick DS up from school at least once a week, but there is absolutely nothing going. Full-time wise, I'd settle for an admin job in the first instance but there are so few of them and I haven't managed to get anything yet. I'm also worried I'd go crazy after a short while doing a dead-end job

I've got a first-class degree but had my son young so (unlike many of you) didn't establish a career before having him. I really wanted to be at home with him when he was young and don't regret that at all. But I need to establish myself in the workplace now because my DS doesn't need me as much now and I want to be a good role model for him as he gets older, quite aside from the pressing financial need!

I feel low a lot of the time and have low self-esteem. I'm job-hunting all the time DS is at school but when you are repeatedly unsucessful, it is difficult to keep your spirits up.

Hey-ho. Hopefully things will take a turn for the better soon! Best of luck to you all.

I don't log on often, but as a 53 year old reasonably well educated woman have been a bit disturbed by the underlying anger and disatisfaction shown here. I think (based on what people have said about the age of their children) that you are all a fair bit younger than me. What I'm really struck by is how few contributors have mentioned their husbands or partners and what they should be giving up/contributing. Why are you still trying to do it all? Do husbands/partners earn much more than you do or are capable of? Are they really crap at looking after their children? Why are their working lives so much more important than yours?

I've been back part-time for three years since my maternity leave ended. I've found that many things that I'd enjoyed before about my career - travel, after work social life, but most of all really throwing myself into a full-on project - just aren't practical now.

My partner works part-time and does a fair share of the household stuff. Still, I am planning to take voluntary redundancy soon, because I have got to a point where the trade-offs don't work for me. I had PND, I remember how glad I was to go back initially - but I am now desperate to get out, and be able to enjoy my daughter more as a person, rather than a logistical challenge. I have a pretty senior job and the demands are hard to contain. So this is a useful thread for me to read right now.

My conclusion is that whichever way you do it, it can be bloody hard trying to fit together the different bits of your self. So this is a sort of wave of encouragement to Bramshott and everyone else in the same boat, as I float past in the other direction...I'm sure you have lots to offer any employer

In response to plts. I was in my late 20s when I had my DD and my husband in his mid-30s. Our age difference meant his career was well established and mine wasn't. I thought I had covered myself by taking a professional post-grad course during my time at home with the children. But my husband does not see me as his domestic slave! When he gets home from work he does whatever needs to be done to the house and with the children to keep life ticking over.

Pits - I am angry and resentful, but not at my husband. He is self-employed, he would have had to close his business to take on childcare. He does have the kids one day a week so I can do short term contract work. What I am angry about is the way employers - including working women - view SAHMs. There shouldn't be the stigma attached to a professional woman taking a career break.

Me too. I can't go back to my old job (contract work, insane hours, would never see DD during the week) - or rather I won't.

But I have no idea what to do next - I've got plenty of skills from project management to writing, but no idea of how to turn them into a freelance career. And - like Lenni - it seems absurd to take a job earning 1/3 of what I was earning before. As everyone has said, the jobs just don't exist and employers don't want to be in the slightest bit flexible.

I think what's so hard is that every single person you meet judges you on work and nothing else; I have to keep reminding myself that this is my choice, I am happy for it, and frankly that what I do now is far more valuable (in terms other than cash) than the supposedly 'glamorous' career I had before. I am successful in what I do if I measure it on my terms not theirs. But it's hard work and I can't always bring myself to believe it.

And to answer Pits, it makes no sense for DH to give up his job; we split it this way because my work meant I would never see DD, whereas he works from home and so is both support and able to spend time with her every single evening. We'd earn more if I worked, but we wouldn't be happier.

Hi,

I can identify with most of you.

I had a good well paid job and went part time, 3 days per week, after DD (now 9) was born. When DS 1 was at nursery and DD started school I did the same hours but over 4 school length days and "swapped some salary " to buy extra leave so that I could work term-time only. The arrangement worked brilliantly until during my Mat leave with DS2, the firm was taken over - I was made redundant nearly 2 years ago.

I received a decent redundancy payment so I took time out to be with my kids until DS2 starts school next year. Now I find myself at nearly 46 with a good degree and no prospect of picking up my earlier career. Without the kids, I would retrain to do something medical but it is impossible to fit such long haul retraining around school days. I am having to contemplate retraining in something else as a second best option, taking low paid unfulfilling part time work or being a SAHM for the duration doing a bit of unpaid voluntary work here and there just to feel alive,valued and human

It makes me so sad to read all these messages. I slaved away in a taxing full time job for five years, seeing little of my two girls. The older one in particular was dragged up rather than brought up. Long and short I became depressed, social services got involved etc etc.

I've just accepted a modest redundancy package. I've given up, full of regret for all the lost years when my eldest was small.

So my message to all you SAHMs is, well done for having the sense to recognise that choices needed to be made and giving your kids a good start in life. When it comes to making the right choice, it seems like we face the proverbial choice between cat s£££ and dog s£££.

This is the perennial problem for parents of young children and, despite honorable exceptions, it is a problem for women. I doubt if there are many husbands agonising over their "choices" re: stay at home versus full-time work. What gets me is that when working out whether I can "afford" to take a low paid job -particularly when it means childcare over the school holidays, is that it is only my income being used in the equation.

Blimey - this thread has gone nuclear now as it made the news email!

Newbeliever - how did your interview go??

Mrs B - what about your job applications?

I decided not to apply for the job I saw advertised, as I'd like to find something outside London if at all possible. Mustn't lose the momentum though - need to make a list of people to write to, and then draft some speculative emails / letters with my CV. Getting CV up to date is undoubtedly the best start, and I will aim to do that by the end of Sept (writing it here will make me do it! )