Should I report historic 'abuse'?

[SCully256]

I'm not really sure where I should post this or even what I'm asking but all of the stuff in the media this week about Cornell Universityy has got me thinking about the past.

When I was 17 I got into a 'relationship' with a teacher who was at my School. At the time I think I just thought it was a bit risky and daring but now I look back with my daughter a similar age I realize what an abuse of position that was from him. I mean I was a child, and he was 31. A lot of people suspected this relationship at the time but nothing was ever said (to me at least)

I did end up having sex with him... I remember kissing on his bed and saying I didn't want to go further, then getting more and more undressed until we did it. I very clearly remember him walking me to my car afterwards putting me in the front seat and saying I hope you're okay I always feel like it's a little bit like rape when that happens but it's not is it because we were kissing and you wanted it to happen didn't you and I remember just nodding and driving away, then not really ever discussing it again. We carried on messing about for a few months until I basically kind of realised that it was all a bit wrong and I told him I didn't want anything to do with him (over the phone) . He cried and said I was the most amazing person he's ever met, and he wished me all the best... I couldn't get off the phone quick enough, saw him a couple of times in the months following and awkwardly said hello and then never saw him again.

It was a long time ago, the mid-90s and I don't really know what advice I want, I guess I'm just trying to get it off my chest - ive never really spoken about it, but I went from there into a series of terrible relationships (one physically abusive) until I met my husband who is fabulous.

I found this guy on Facebook recently because somebody posted something about him on the school alumni site and it just brought it all back. I don't know part of me think so I should just let sleeping dogs lie but the other part of me thinks what ifhr went on to do this to dozens of other young girls, as I've often wondered this over the years when stories come out in the media etc

I don't think I really want to do anything to disturb my happy life, maybe I should just seek therapy - I'll be honest even writing this post feels quite cathartic

No

Hello @SCully256. No idea wtf the first poster means, ignore it.
I think if I were you I'd fairly tentatively get some counselling. I think it sounds like he did do this to other young women before you and in all liklihood after, too. But your duty is to you and your well being so please don't focus on that bit. Just a gentle unpacking of what you are still carrying with a compassionate therapist and see where you are and whether you need to do anything more or processing it will be enough.
Very best wishes to you. 💐

I'm glad you've felt that unburdening yourself here with what happened (which was, as you say, abuse) and I'm sure that coming across information about this individual on social media would disturb you. I think that you should explore some sort of counselling and in that therapeutic environment you can consider whether bringing it to light publicly would be helpful or not to you. While it's probably true that he'd done similar things with other young women (especially if he said he "always feels like it's rape when it happens like this"), it's not your responsibility to do anything about it now. Also, it's unclear how old you were at the time as you say he walked you to your car. But regardless, he coerced you into having sex with him and that's wrong, no matter how old you were. You say that you've got a fabulous DH. I would hope that you can talk to him about how you are feeling about this past trauma. I hope you get the support you need to heal from this.

I reported historic abuse. It was decades after, but they took me seriously. I was a complete mess walking in to the police station, but all I felt was relief as I was walking out after making The initial statement.

The end result was prison time for the rapist.

You were 17, he was much older and in a position of power over you. Even if you'd been 100% enthusiastic about what he did it would still have been wrong of him.

None of it is an easy process though, it's mentally draining, and stressful.

Only you can decide if you want to report or not. And you shouldn't do it if it isn't the right thing for you.

I'm sorry you are even in the position to have to be making this decision.

Take care

Bbx

Yes you should report it. Despite poor reports about the police, they do have officers with specialist training to deal with these issues [a family member does this job] You should be properly supported and it may be that the police already hold information about the perpetrator, it would be rare for this to be an isolated incident. It is a brave step OP and I do hope you have good support around you 💐

It has to be your decision.

I think you're incredibly brave for sharing this, and know how shaky and emotional you will have felt typing it. You're very courageous getting past that to speak up.

You were a child, he was an adult with a duty of care to you. He abused the power his position gave him. And you said no to sex. He continued anyway

He absolutely knew what he was doing was wrong.

If someone says no and their partner doesn't stop, then that is not sex. You did not consent.

I don't want to put words to your experience, but I think you already have.

I think you know now, that an adult kissing a child knows that is not an equal relationship.

Only you can make the decision to report. But every report matters. I have friends who have helped convict serial abusers because someone else managed to report them too. Even when men like him are not charged, people will be alerted to his behaviour.

When I reported a rapist who I'd seen touch a child, Social Services wanted details so they could question children who had close contact with him. A report of abuse can go further than the police.

Above all, I think you need to access therapy and talk about this. Your mind is protecting you from the truth of what happened to you. You had no control and are not to blame for what he did. That is a very hard truth to face, and you need to process that information in order to get past it. It's so hard admitting to yourself that you were not in control of what happened to your body.

This was abuse. You are absolutely right to consider reporting it, but only you can decide. Please talk to your loved ones and a professional.

Consent can be withdrawn at any stage, kissing is not consent to sex, and he should not have done this. This was not your fault.

Please be kind to yourself and seek help. Your feelings will not go away, and you need to give yourself permission to be angry, to grieve - and to heal. All the best. You're brave as hell.

Thank you all, very supportive and wise advice. I'm going to book an appointment with a therapist in the first instance and talk to someone who might be able to help me see things clearly and go from there. I feel better/stronger already just putting it out there.

You might also want to see if you have a local SARC and speak to them.

Yes, Rape Crisis or similar may be worth looking into.

I'm sorry, OP. Another thing that might help (there is evidence to suggest it is beneficial) is writing about the experience.

One exercise is to write for 15 minutes, every day for five days. This can be hard to do, so as suggested by pps, finding a good therapist etc can be helpful.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/future/article/20170601-can-writing-about-pain-make-you-heal-faster

You may want to look at NAPAC who have lots of resources, including a helpline.

https://napac.org.uk/

I think the above advice regarding support is excellent.

unfortunately for you because you were 17 in the 1990’s you had no protection in law, this only came to be in 2000.

However i think if you want to you should report it to the police because this is likely to be a pattern of behaviour that this teacher “indulged” himself in after the law changed.

I do think you should definitely seek counselling and see where that takes you.

good luck and hope for you in your recovery journey.

I speak as a DVA and SA worker of many years.

I think you should report it. He's in a position of trust and he abused it.

Something similar happened to me when I was 16. It affected my subsequent relationships, etc etc. I thought about it all the time, wondering why he'd done it, was it my fault, etc. I eventually realised (aged about 35!) these thoughts were going to ruin an upcoming holiday and so I wrote to the police station near where it had happened. By chance, they had a Rape Unit and someone very experienced and sympathetic phoned me. They visited the bloke and took him in for questioning. He said it was consensual. The police were happy to prosecute but I knew he had young kids and I eventually made the decision not to continue. But I'm very glad I reported it - the police believed me, and it was the start of me being able to get on with my life. And his card was marked, in case there were other allegations against him.

Best wishes.

If you do bring it forward, I think you would have to be really realistic about what you can achieve, and what it would cost.

In terms of cost it would be really hard. Time consuming, stressful, and you would be questioned extensively by police and lawyers. Which is how it has to be, he needs to be allowed to try and defend himself. But it will probably suck.

Then, it can be really hard to prove anything happened, in a way that is useful in a trial. You can do everything right but the evidence just isn't enough.

There is a good chance it would ruin his career.

Usually people find trials don't create a sense of closure.

As others have said do as much as you feel comfortable with.

If talking to a therapist seems easiest for you do that.

Or as a PP said trying writing it down.

This is the link to the Rape Crisis Helpline which says it doesn't matter how long ago or how recent this happened.
https://247sexualabusesupport.org.uk/faqs/?utmsource=rapecrisis.org.uk&utmmedium=want+to+talk+page&utmcampaign=support+line+website&utmcontent=confused+image+banner

Alternatively there is a directory of local rape crisis services and you could see if there is one near you. https://rapecrisis.org.uk/find-a-centre/?centreq=&lat=&lng=&placeid=

(Edited to add this is for England, there are other helpline for Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland.)

Instead of just listing the negatives, why dont you try and offer support by asking or suggesting what she might get out of it.

"Ruin his career"?

Talk about having a total empathy by pass.

I certainly hope it would ruin his career. From the comment he made, she wasn't even the first child he'd groomed.

I rather thought she'd consider ruining his career as a positive. One that is a more likely outcome than a criminal conviction. So possibly a reason to go ahead.

As for the rest of your post, I'm not going to make things up just to put a positive spin on something which in my experience, people more often find a negative experience that doesn't give them the results they are looking for.

A clear response imo is worth more than empathy from a stranger on a message board.

Thank you for saying. I was shocked to read that comment.

OP, you said no. That is what matters.

Only you can make the decision about whether to go to the police. No one else should influence that.

I think its reasonable to note that reporting rape is a challenge.

Maybe worth saying that there are more potential positives, though.

Most of all, it may help the OP to heal and move on. Only she can make that judgement.

It may also act as a warning to him if nothing else. May mean he can no longer pretend to himself. May alert other women.