Supporting my gender non-conforming daughter through puberty and trans feelings

[Taytoface]

I knew this was coming. Have done for years. I have a ND, gender non conforming 11 y.o. daughter, going through pretty early puberty. Got her period when she was 10, which she has dealt with really well.

First she said she was NB. I nodded and said that's nice dear.
Now, in the wake of the holy month of Pride, she is saying she thinks she is trans.
She is also clearly uncomfortable about her developing body.

We have limited time on devices and locked them down as much as we can. (After discovering fucking Spotify is as bad as you tube).

She is going to secondary in September. It is an all girls school, but she was excited to see the 'trans kids' at induction day. (I very much hope these are female, that is a battle I could do without fighting).

I am just nodding along to the trans stuff, but she has become so self conscious about her breasts, always in hoodies, even is this weather, and won't wear any support. She completely shuts down when I try to talk to her about it.

I do want to help her feel more comfy in her body. Any advice?

I’d get in touch with Bayswater / look at info on their website.

A girls school should be single sex now and if not I’d write a letter asking for confirmation and then, if not satisfactory, I’d actually report to Ofsted/ the EHRC.

Perhaps looking at some sporty sports tops might help. I live in the reversible ones that m and s do.

Speaking from experience.. if gender dysphoria exists, I had it around that age and here are some things that helped me through:

Encouraging your DD to feel that she is an individual who doesn't have to follow any fads - neither the girly-girl kind NOR the NB/trans fads.
She is herself, she is female, she can't change that, but she can grow up to be any kind of woman she damn well wants.

That involves building up her sense of self in general, showing that being different and non-conventional is absolutely OK in your family, but that applies to all 'conventions' including the passing fads online and at school.

As far as clothes are concerned - she's only 11 so you still buy her clothes for her I expect?

Maybe buy very light bras/crop tops and just leave them in her bedroom without comment?

And think about styles of clothes that fulfil the same function as a hoodie for her - loose t-shirts, loose shirts, baggie trousers - skater style clothes are appropriate for a young teen, comfortable and 'gender neutral'.
Again, try buying something loose but lighter than a hoodie, and leave it in her room without comment.

If she starts wearing them, that's great but say nothing so she doesn't have to explain herself or act grateful to Mum or anything awful like that
Obviously contact Bayswater for more formal help and support, I'm just coming at it from what got me through - a strong sense of self and of independent thought, of not being afraid to be different even if that meant not following the current fad. If you want to be a rebel, you rebel, you don't just join another flock of sheep!

The appeal of special IDs may be wearing thin at the school she's going to in September, and she may well find lots of girls who are into just being different on their own terms, and find that the 'special' group aren't half as different and edgy and rebellious as they like to think they are.

Of course I had no social media to contend with, and I knew I was female and that was that, whereas your DD is surrounded by all sorts of ideas and images and propaganda. It makes your job and her childhood so much more difficult.

Sending good wishes and support to both of you.

To an 11 year old I'd say clearly that you can't change sex. I'd say gender is stereotypes and you can be a gender non-conforming girl. I'd have a discussion with the school before she starts and say you don't want them affirming or indeed teaching your daughter gender ideology. Ask for the class materials for phse. Does she do any sports or physical activities? Really encourage her to get out and do things, especially physical activities. Climbing is a good one for those who aren't very co-ordinated. While youth theatre can be a bit gender woo, it is a great creative outlet for the quirky kids so maybe encourage that if she's interested. Good luck.

Thanks all. I have always been clear it is not possible to change sex, and I think she understands that. I have always been very clear that I don't care what she wears. She lives in shorts and t shirts, which I am fine with.

She has been into running, but has backed off from this recently, I think because of being self conscious about her boobs. Was also very self conscious when we went to the beach recently.

She won't talk to about it at all.

Sports tops are great and you could maybe just get one and suggest it will be comfortable for running?

She has a range of bralettes / crop tops, but has stopped wearing them. I have asked her to help me understand why, if they are uncomfortable that I could get her something else. She just shuts down and walks away

Sending some solidarity! My 13 year old had just announced she is non-binary.

I’ve been “light-touch” and focused on becoming her own person. Hoping it’s just a phase.

She prefers M&S sports bras (non-wired, racer style) as she is a D-cup.

Prefers grungy type clothes & asked for a binder (which I did get). Wanted her lovely long blonde hair cut really short (we compromised with a bob & I’ll let her tell me when she wants it cut next).

Good luck & hoping they are out this phase fast!

I would still try buying a proper supportive sports top and give it to her saying it is a running top. Bralettes and crop tops are not at all supportive so won't be suitable.
Please don't even think about getting a binder, they cause real physical damage to ribs and breast tissue as well as breathing problems. Plus, they feed into the whole trans ideology, which is what you are trying to avoid.

Please take away the binder. They are terribly damaging to young, growing breast tissue. Crop tops or sports bras are fine.

Totally agree with @LittleGreenDuck . Binders are dangerous. You can buy minimiser bras that are safe.

Risks of binders:
Respiratory restriction: Tight compression limits full chest expansion, leading to shallow breathing, reduced lung capacity, and dizziness or shortness of breath.
Musculoskeletal damage: Continuous pressure on a growing skeleton can cause chronic back, shoulder, and rib pain, and in severe cases, rib bruising or fractures.
Breast tissue changes: Restricted blood flow and constant compression can alter or damage developing breast tissue, potentially impacting future elasticity or development.
Skin and tissue breakdown: Trapped sweat, friction, and tight fabric frequently cause rashes, fungal infections, acne, and skin chafing. Improvised materials like duct tape or elastic bandages heighten these risks dramatically.

Have a look on Transgender Trend

Ah, there goes one of my suggestions.

I'm going out on a limb here because I'm not a parent and I hesitate to give advice as if like I know what I'm talking about which I don't..

but coming at it from my memories of being a gender-confused 11 year old.

I don't think she's likely to talk to you about it, for all sorts of 11-year-old's reasons, like not being able to express how she feels, and Mum's are embarrassing and don't understand anything at all, everrrrr...

I'd just leave the crop tops around and hope that she'll circle back to them.
If they become pieces in a skirmish with Mum rather than pieces of fabric, she may reject them just because you think she should wear them and if she has to explain why to you, that just proves that you'll never understand anything about her ever.

Am I being totally out of line in suggesting that 'Sorry, love, I can't do that/that's not possible because I'm your mam and I have to do things and say no sometimes cos that's just my job - is this any good instead?' is a valid thing to say to an 11 year old?

In retrospect - my poor mam! 🙄but I made it up to her in later life😇

No fucking way is she getting a binder. But if she gets baps like mine, she is going to need some decent support.

I bought my similar teen a sports bra and she has been happy with that. She wanted a binder, I refused and explained why. The sports bra is supportive and firm, which she actually really likes. It’s a tough time for girls who don’t see themselves as girly.

I’d buy sports bras and sports tops with built in bras and push the strong and fit theme. Stereotypical boys have muscles- buy some hand weights, and encourage the running. School id discreetly raise my expectations but it might be tricky. Basically I’d support any individualism to help her really feel herself.

Can i ask how Spotify is just as bad as YouTube?? 😳

For the beach/pool have you tried some boys board shorts with a swim t-shirt over the top? And maybe try some sports bras?

I think that the most interesting thing about your post is how excited she got seeing other masc-presenting girls at the school visit.

Im wondering whether she has any masc lesbian role models in her life? If not I would deliberately search this out in real life, books, films, tv, comedy, sports etc. Might also help with the clothing issue is you can find any masc underwear models for sports bras?

Ideally, because she’s 11 and won’t talk to you, what you’re looking to do is watch a quiz show or some comedy or recommend a book or something and just enjoy the thing with absolutely no comment.

There are a lot of different ways of being a woman, not none of them should involve changing your body to fit the world.

What about vest tops with hidden support to wear under a baggy t-shirt/hoodie ?

It allows video content. Grown ups don't use it. But kids do. We have now moved to a family subscription and I have disabled video

Im a retired secondary school teacher and Sendco. Do keep a weather eye on what is going on at school. I had to insist repeatedly that staff stop referring to a student by they them prounouns. Adults who aren't very well educated in the problems of social transition have swallowed the be kind stuff whole.
I dont have kids but because of my work I started looking into how to help kids who are being confused by exposure to all sorts on the Internet.
Can I recommend a book called When Kids say they are Trans, by Ayad, Marchiano and Stella O'Malley. This seems full of reasonable advice and practical ideas. I havent finished it yet but I am finding it very interesting.
Because of the extremely polarised nature of this topic I do suggest you check out the view points of the authors. Not that they hide their views, the exact opposite in fact.
And good luck I was a very non gender conforming kid and Im a non gender conforming lesbian adult. I have many concerns for how hard girls have it now.

You may have tried this already, but if she absolutely won't talk will she communicate via messages? Whatever app you're happy for her to have or even SMS.

I wonder about gently directing her to sport in general, and if feasible sports that tend to have strong and possibly gender non-conforming women?

I'm a lesbian; I came out later in life. Getting into women-centred physical activity (weightlifting in my case) has been hugely helpful.

Sympathies @Taytoface . That children just starting puberty are having to navigate all this is shameful. Sorry for the length of my response but as some school have allowed activist teachers to indulge themselves running safeguarding breaching rainbow clubs and promoting trans issues via all sorts of unsuitable lobby groups, parents need to be certain that their child's school won't be dabbling in their chiild's confusion.

There is finally new DfE guidance for SRE & safeguarding that's in line with the Supreme Court judgment & places these vulnerable confused children within the safeguarding framework.

The new SRE Health guidance for Sept 2026 talks about working with parents, takes a clear safeguarding approach and has clear guidelines about the role of external speakers, the primacy of the teacher's role and the school's responsibility to share all resources with parents.

It states that when teaching about the pc of gender reasignment, schools should be mindful that beyond the facts and the law about biological sex and gender reassignment there is significant debate, and they should be careful not to endorse any particular view or teach it as fact. For example, they should not teach as fact that all people have a gender identity".

"Schools should avoid language and activities which repeat or enforce gender stereotypes. Schools should be mindful to avoid any suggestion that social transition is a simple solution to feelings of distress or discomfort"

The new KCSIE guidelines (when published) follow the SC judgment about no undressing in front of the opposite sex, single sex toilets etc and reinforce that there's no place for queer theory activism in schools.

Parents finally have back up to get political activists away from schools. We just need to be aware and use the guidance to insist schools comply, if any are foolish enough to outsource their SRE / Health Ed to activists.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/6970e7e67e827090d02d42e0/Relationships_education_relationships_and_sex_education__RSE__and_health_education__for_intro_1_September_2026_.pdf
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this is based on my memories of me as a child and more recently . It was easier then as transgender wasn’t really a thing except things like Lou reeds walk on the wild side.

this is going to take you a decade

she may spend her whole life unhappy with her body - and the whole transgender thing makes you unhappier because you think seriously about the options - options for major surgery and the like. That was sowmthing I was too scared to attempt myself. But those options come with a cost - transmen in particular suffer a host of physical problems. Change your body and you don’t end up with what you want - you end up with a broken body. Unfortunately understanding of the need for physical health is something that grows with age. Maybes look up the works of some transmen - often they strongly advise against transistion.

can you find role models - female ones - for things she is interested in. My dad found loads of female scientists and astrophysicists. He talked about the injustice those women faced with men taking credit for their work. He talked about how people feared and distrusted and were jealous of women who were technically strong - and made it clear that was their weakness - nothing to do with me. These conversations as ad hoc - when I asked why has this teacher done that for example when I was sent to the remedial class ( once in the right school i always top academically)

show love, admire who she is , really work on that self confidence

molke bras feel more like vests and avoid all that lace and crap

sport like rock climbing are very good - the difference between male and female techniques is often praised. It’s caused by differences in the male and female body - lack of upper body strength leads to women developing great technical skills. But something where the boys want to learn form the girls does help rebalance the world a little.

dont just nod along - have some sympathy. Admit - this isn’t how you felt but you know it’s very common.

also if you could ask her to explain how much of this is body hatred and how much is more socially driven - from wanting to be treated like a boy , for being sexually uncomfortable - what are the differences she things she would experience as a boy and try to untangle that.

try to head of relatives who make comments about body’s and development and the like. Those that have strong male / female stereotypes in their actions - even simple things like when groups walk out , the men pair up and the women pair up - why is that ? Be super alert for all those sort of things