How to respond when my 12-year-old says she wants to be a boy

[Slowlygoinginsane24]

My daughter told me 2 days ago she wants to be a boy she's 12.

A year ago she was gender fluid, a year before that a lesbian - someone at school had a girl friend, and not long before that she genuinely wanted to be a cat because her friend then wanted to be a cat aswell. She made masks, asked for tails the lot.
Apparently she has wanted to be a boy for a while, her best friend at school identifies as a boy. I have read that lots of children neuro diverse experience gender dysphoria and feel this is what is happening to her, she is also heavily influenced by things she sees online I have now set up age 9 restrictions for her and removed all of social media. I honestly do not know where to turn as I don't want to be seen as transphobic but I just don't get it, she has flitted between being a girly girl and a bit tom boy for her whole life. She loves makeup and eyelashes and nail. It doesn't make sense other than she started puberty at 9 when all the oddities about identity began and secondary school has surrounded her with influences she hasn't been around before.

I'm even thinking of moving her schools, she hates at that school anyway 🙈 in November she was self harming and is now recieving counselling for this.
How do I not be dismissive of how she feels at the moment but also not support it with it causing her to start hurting herself again!

Have you heard of tge bayswater support group, they a group of gc parents with gender confused children and might be able to give you some advice.

This would be a difficult situation for a mother to handle at any time, but in the current context - and in particular in your DD's social network - it's magnified a 100% by people peddling the belief that it is even possible, let alone desirable, for a girl to become a boy.

I'm sure other posters who are wiser and more knowledgeable than me will come on with advice and links to support organisations, and I hope you get all the support you need.

All I can offer is my own story.
When I was a little girl I wanted to be a boy.
I thought of taking my own life at one point. I had no one to talk to about how I felt, I didn't even have the vocabulary to describe how I felt.

Fortunately, that was before the trans juggernaut rolled onto the scene, so it became clear to me that there was no way I could become a boy.

Nobody offered me social transitioning at school. Nobody had heard of puberty blockers. 'Gender Affirming Surgery'? What's that?? I was so lucky not to have all that to contend with, as it would have been very attractive to me at the time.

What saved me was that my parents loving their little tomboy,
and above all, knowing the truth- that I was a girl, I was going to grow up to be a woman, and that was that. So I got on with being female. I grew up to be a gender-non-conforming lesbian.

My own personal feeling is that loving support has to be based on the fact that no, you can't be a boy, it's just not a possible, and don't believe anybody who claims it is: but you can be any kind of girl you want to be, and grow up to be any kind of woman you want to be.

All good wishes to you and your DD in getting through this difficult time. I see another poster has, as I expected, referred you to a group that hopefully will give you help and advice and support

I'm sorry to hear this OP.

Your girl is not a boy. She is a girl. If I had the money and resources I'd take her away and live on a mountainside.

However, if you haven't that - remove all internet, all phones, go into nature asap and look into Dr Dr P posts on X.

Just another couple of thoughts, gleaned from reading similar posts to yours on here over the last 8 years or so.
Be careful of the counselling, most will confirm trans/questioning identities.
Strongly encourage your daughter to have sport related hobbies. Go outside together, as a family, cycling, walking, treasure hunts, whatever it takes so that she is fully occupied, not at home, in her room, dwelling on her ‘identity’ .

As a pp said, Bayswater Support Group are a good start. https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

You could also look at this - it’s a project run by Thoughtful Therapists & Genspect.
https://beyondtrans.org/support-for-parents/

I say this with the utmost respect, once read several research that in many such cases a traumatic or some type of severe event or incident in childhood can cause such thoughts to emanate (don’t know if this is true in your case). If so as others have said needs very careful support to understand underlying factors. Or in other cases research showed the surroundings a child is in can have a huge impact, in which case changing that environment (potentially schools) is an option and can have a huge impact.

I fell into this, as a young girl in the 90s. Made my chest flat with bandage and everything, which seeing Buck Angel on some trash TV didn't help-- and that was before we even had a computer. Fell into it again as a woman, maybe ten or so years ago.

What got me out of it wasn't the embarrassment of how small my hands are, how feminine my voice is, because I didn't have a lot of physical dysphoria with all that. It was the constant caveats, especially when pointing out sexist regressive shit in my own community.

Ask what makes her not like other girls. Force her to think about it outside of those nebulous gender-feelz terms.

Ask her what she expects a woman to do and feel.

Not in a questioning way, of course. This is an exploring conversion, the kind therapists used to have.

I will say that I get the feeling your kid might be a fujoshi, though. That's the majority of girls who are transitioning now.

A lot of the girls were like that, even back in the day, but it's a plague now.

https://sex-matters.org/support-for-parents/

I hope this helps.

So why does she want to be a boy? Is it that there's things she thinks she can't do because she's a girl, or things about being a girl that she wants to avoid? Once you've got a better handle on what her motivation is, you'll be better able to deal with it

I would say the same. Also, and I’m not sure how to do this, but is it being a boy or is it being trans that is what she wants? From what I see online the ‘trans’ element seems to give these children more recognition than what comes after.

You can say to her that it is perfectly normal to want to be a boy since life is set up in their favour at times but that it's not possible to actually become a boy. Also that although it may seem that being a boy is really cool, being a girl is awesome too and give her a picture of the kind of life a woman can lead that men can't including if she ever wants children she can give birth and be a mother and what an amazing thing that is that boys can't do. In addition it is possible as a girl to pursue any career or hobby that she wants to and to dress however she wants and that gender stereotyping is rubbish and she shouldn't let herself be constrained by it.

I wouldn’t even mention giving birth and having children as most 12 year old girls would think eww, no, and a girl questioning her identity would see them as even more reason to want to be a boy.

I would definitely find out what is happening at school. Any teachers with pronouns in their signature? I would be loathe to get any kind of counselling which might affirm it for her. Stay away, pleasantly, from affirming it in any way, shape or form.

Definitely cut out all social media which you have done already and if she's up for moving schools, try to get her away from her current peer group. You can tell her that she can want to be a boy but it's not possible to become one - tell her that females who take testosterone might look like men in some ways but it causes so many health problems and that society doesn't really see them as men so it doesn't cure their problems. She can dress masculine and cut her hair but tell her you won't use male pronouns or call her a different name whilst she's still a child. Change the environment though - that's the most important thing

Isn’t a fujoshi a girl who gets a thrill out of male on male sex? What on earth makes you think that from what the OP has said?

“I don't want to be seen as transphobic”

Don’t worry, there’s no such thing. It’s language used by groomers and nut cases intended to intimidate and bully people who refuse to accept their delusions.

If it were me I would tell her I also went through a similar period in secondary school. I thought the other girls were vapid and hated how they all became boy obsessed. The boys however were crude and jeering and sexualised everything. I just wasn't interested in either of those parts of growing up (I'm ND) so struggled with my own identity, considered if I was a lesbian and eventually thought I might be a man. What turned me off what the certainty that even if I tried to change sex, I wouldn't be male, I would be this strange creature who was stuck in the middle, medically changed forever.

It would make me stand out even more and the thing I wanted most was to fit in.

I'm fortunate that these feelings were fleeting. I'm married with two kids now. Probably bi sexual (although never been with a woman). This was in the 90s so there were zero examples of gender questioning people around me to normalise it so I'm lucky.

I've just accepted that was an unusual kind of girl and that was fine. Really came to terms with it in my 20s at uni when you start to meet other adults who have stopped pretending to fit in. You realise everyone's a bit wonderfully weird and you don't need to try to confirm to anyone's idea of beauty, or normal or fit yourself into anyone else boxes.

If my daughter says similar I'm planning to make it profoundly uncool by saying her tubby old mum felt the same way.

For your daughter. As pp have said. I would start some gently exploring language. Car journey or walks are good places to have these talks as they arent face to face and feel more informal'

Why do you think you're a boy? What does 'boy' mean. How do you become a boy? Frame it as you being curious, you don't understand and you want to learn more.

Gently point out any contradictions. 'So if a boy grows out his hair he's a girl? what about uncle roger, he has long hair. Ah so what IS it about?'

If you can find out why she thinks being a boy is better. Because it isn't: much more restrictive stereotypes, higher violence, less support mechanisms, greater loneliness, poor educational outcomes, poor medical outcomes, low earning in 18-30's, prison population is male and it goes on.

The very high detransition rate in FTM trans occurs when the hype of being male doesn't meet the reality.

Girls can do everything boys can, and much more.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP, we were in a similar position four or five years ago with our then 14yo. I echo the suggestion to contact the Bayswater Support Group to connect with other parents.

I also agree with PP that you should be wary of counsellors unless you have carefully vetted them as they are likely to affirm and create a situation where you become “the oppressor” to their “saviour” in relation to your child “the victim”.

Overall show your DD how much you love and respect her at every opportunity in small ways. Hold the line on reality but support her in doing things that are safe and reversible if you feel able. We never agreed to name and pronoun changing for example but were relaxed about clothes and hair. We asked questions and emphasised where our views were similar saying things like “I think the only point of difference is that I don’t believe people need to change their bodies to do the things they want in life”. But we didn’t talk about it much after the early days, just tried to show her how important she is to us.

You might find this book helpful https://genspect.org/when-kids-say-theyre-trans-a-review/

I’d be cautious on this too. At 52 I’ve never been interested in having kids & if she’s like me, you don’t want to reinforce the idea that “normal” women want babies.

Assuming that OP’s DD is into anime + anime online communities. Where many many young girls are exposed to trans ideology (and boys). Plus, young autistic girls are terrified of relationships and their changing bodies and being adjacent to but not involved in another’s sexual relationship feels safe. And they wouldn’t really ‘get’ the full picture.

Oh yes, I meant to say I would move her school if she’s not happy there and it’s feasible and definitely agree on limiting internet / social media. I wish we had done these things

Lots of good advice already about support. Another one is to encourage her to get involved with family activities, hobbies and other interests. Everything that involves her with the outside world as opposed to the narcissistic self absorption of "identity". Even some one to one coffee trips.
It's also worth checking that activist adults in the school aren't pushing this. Increasingly unlikely now but there are still some schools in the grip of transactivism.

This is a good article that highlights the psychological harm that happens when adults pretend it's possible to change sex:

https://www.transgendertrend.com/teenager-says-theyre-transgender/

OP I would work on boosting her self confidence and encouraging her to do activities, a sport she enjoys for example, outside school.

Girls unfortunately get a lot of negative messages about being female and with social media, boys accessing porn and so on they get to experience early that being a girl can be a vulnerable and over sexualised place to be and I can't help but think that some of this trans talk is about girls thinking they would be safer and have more control on their bodies if they were boys.

Basically reinforce to her the message that being a girl does not mean being a second class citizen or having to behave and look a certain way.

I would also restrict her access to social media and move school if needed.

I never emotionally wanted kids although biology kicked in and I ended up with two. 😁

The whole physical process of gestation and giving birth was absolutely fascinating
but I never floated around with a golden glow of motherhood nor have I felt I’ve achieved some kind of womanly goal by having them.

(That does make me sound very cold and heartless but I am so proud of them and do love them in a terrifyingly visceral way)