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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Disappointed that Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie is promoting her use of surrogacy as compatible with feminism

295 replies

Carla786 · 20/04/2026 01:36

I loved Purple Hibiscus and recently got through the rest of her books from my library. I really like her novels and especially her GC stance, but I was discussing her on a feminist subreddit recently and her use of surrogacy came up. It's disappointing she promotes it here as compatible with feminism,

https://www.premiumtimesng.com/entertainment/naija-fashion/791804-ive-no-regrets-welcoming-my-twins-through-surrogacy-chimamanda-adichie.html

Infertility is of course extremely painful, but I don't think that justifies using another woman's womb.

‘I've no regrets welcoming my twins through surrogacy’ - Chimamanda Adichie

“I want more women to feel less ashamed of talking about reaching motherhood through non-traditional means.”

https://www.premiumtimesng.com/entertainment/naija-fashion/791804-ive-no-regrets-welcoming-my-twins-through-surrogacy-chimamanda-adichie.html

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KnottyAuty · 20/04/2026 10:20

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 20/04/2026 10:03

https://theconversation.com/surrogacy-is-booming-but-new-research-suggests-these-pregnancies-could-be-higher-risk-for-women-and-babies-239574

The researchers found pregnant women in gestational surrogacy arrangements had a rate of severe maternal complications of 7.8%, more than three times the rate of those who became pregnant naturally (2.3%) and almost twice the rate among those who got pregnant through IVF (4.3%).

It's believed that the foetus having completely different DNA from the mother is a contributing factor, along with poverty-related factors.

The timing of this research doesn't matter because your offer was made with those risks existing and you not knowing about them. The definition of "informed consent" requires you to know about these risks.

You can only make decisions on the information available at the time tho!

GlovedhandsCecilia · 20/04/2026 10:20

KnottyAuty · 20/04/2026 10:18

We all like to think of the best possible outcomes and minimise the negative bits. But if you’d had a very disabled child that your relatives decided not to adopt, your life would look rather different to what you’d hoped. I was interested in how you balanced these thoughts but it seems that your approach was not to think too hard about the potential downsides. No criticism- I find it interesting. (I had 2 home births and people asked me directly to my face why I would take such risks and tell me about my foolhardy choices. I’d like to be clear im not doing that - I was curious about how you worked through the risks for yourself especially when doing something others consider risky or unusual)

No i did think about the small chance of catastrophe and decided that the benefits outweighed that remote chance that I die or can never have children again. Most women, even in the worst circumstances, give birth and can conceive and give birth again. We are remarkable.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 20/04/2026 10:22

KnottyAuty · 20/04/2026 10:20

You can only make decisions on the information available at the time tho!

Exactly. This is becoming one of those conversations where emotion and the desire to be right outweighs one's ability to process information effectively

KnottyAuty · 20/04/2026 10:24

GlovedhandsCecilia · 20/04/2026 10:20

No i did think about the small chance of catastrophe and decided that the benefits outweighed that remote chance that I die or can never have children again. Most women, even in the worst circumstances, give birth and can conceive and give birth again. We are remarkable.

In a weird way the dying question is easier because one would be gone and not having to deal with any consequences. The more difficult scenarios are the ones where everyone lives but life hasn’t gone to plan - eg the disabled child. Tgat clearly didn’t factor into your thoughts then or now. That’s ok

GlovedhandsCecilia · 20/04/2026 10:29

KnottyAuty · 20/04/2026 10:24

In a weird way the dying question is easier because one would be gone and not having to deal with any consequences. The more difficult scenarios are the ones where everyone lives but life hasn’t gone to plan - eg the disabled child. Tgat clearly didn’t factor into your thoughts then or now. That’s ok

They would have raised a disabled child. Why do you assume they would not? Can you point to a post where I said anything like that?

The truth is that when we discussed it as a 4, they asked me if I would decline nuchal screening because they wanted the baby regardless of their ability/disability. I did point out that many disabilities would become evident on scan at some point and they were fine with that. We wanted to make sure all these sorts of things were sorted before we embarked on anything formal.

So why do you assume that two grown women, one of who is already a mother, would not discuss these outcomes?

Are your family known for giving up on babies due to disability? As mine or my husband's are not.

StellaAndCrow · 20/04/2026 10:31

My concern is for the baby in these situations. I feel that their needs are not being prioritised.

The difference in guidelines/assessment/monitoring between surrogacy and adoption seem so strange to me.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 20/04/2026 10:37

StellaAndCrow · 20/04/2026 10:31

My concern is for the baby in these situations. I feel that their needs are not being prioritised.

The difference in guidelines/assessment/monitoring between surrogacy and adoption seem so strange to me.

What does the research say about the infants long term?

ArabellaScott · 20/04/2026 10:38

Infants who are separated from their mother at birth suffer trauma. This is well established.

ArabellaScott · 20/04/2026 10:38

As well as blindingly obvious.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 20/04/2026 10:40

ArabellaScott · 20/04/2026 10:38

Infants who are separated from their mother at birth suffer trauma. This is well established.

Does it show that with surrogates? Can you show that information? Because the information I am privy to says the way we adopt in this country is what causes the infants trauma. The multiple caregivers before permanent placement etc. These things are not the case for surrogates.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 20/04/2026 10:44

GlovedhandsCecilia · 20/04/2026 10:19

But if women have been groomed by birth to be compliant, how do we know when they are acting on their true urges and when they're just being kind?

When birthing her own baby, who is she being kind to?

GlovedhandsCecilia · 20/04/2026 10:47

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 20/04/2026 10:44

When birthing her own baby, who is she being kind to?

Her husband. Her on laws. Her parents. Her community. Society? Could be anyone. Shes been groomed since birth, remember?

ArabellaScott · 20/04/2026 10:47

Any baby needs the smell, touch, sound of its mother at birth. The absence of this creates trauma and also interferes with developmental processes. We are mammals. This is basic.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 20/04/2026 10:48

ArabellaScott · 20/04/2026 10:47

Any baby needs the smell, touch, sound of its mother at birth. The absence of this creates trauma and also interferes with developmental processes. We are mammals. This is basic.

Why do you think surrogacy forbids that?

ArabellaScott · 20/04/2026 10:48

Surrogacy is unfortunately big business though. Lots of money to be made in human trafficking

TempestTost · 20/04/2026 10:50

I tend to think that in many - maybe most - cases, there is not only one "feminist" argument. It's entirely possible that there can be various viewpoints within a feminist perspective on issues, and that includes things like prostitution or surrogacy. In both there is a weighing of pros and cons, and there can be differernt elements that some give more weight to than others.

It's the same with any svhool of thought you can think of. There are all kinds of disagreements within the civil rights movement. There are all kinds of disagreements within Marxism. And so on. I don't love the approach of simply declaring that people who take another view have abandoned the whole set of principles. It's usually not true.

Personally, I think there is some real merit to seeing surrogasy as dangerous to women, but if we are looking only from the perspective of the adults in the equasion, there is also something to be said for the choices of the woman carrying the child over who own body. ANd then all that becomes more complicated when you consider the larger effects on society. Many of which are nothing to do with feminism but are very real.

However, the most fundamental issue for me with this is the rights of the child, including the right to not be sold, traded, or used as a gift, and the right to a relationship with its parents - which include the surrogate because biologically she is the real mother just as much as the one donating the eggs. And that, I would say, is completely opposed to the very idea of surrogacy, and is far more fundamental than any right a woman has to bear a child to give away or sell, or to have a child through any means necessary.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 20/04/2026 10:55

GlovedhandsCecilia · 20/04/2026 10:29

They would have raised a disabled child. Why do you assume they would not? Can you point to a post where I said anything like that?

The truth is that when we discussed it as a 4, they asked me if I would decline nuchal screening because they wanted the baby regardless of their ability/disability. I did point out that many disabilities would become evident on scan at some point and they were fine with that. We wanted to make sure all these sorts of things were sorted before we embarked on anything formal.

So why do you assume that two grown women, one of who is already a mother, would not discuss these outcomes?

Are your family known for giving up on babies due to disability? As mine or my husband's are not.

You're missing the point.

Legally, the surrogate mother is the mother until the adoption takes place. Legally, the commissioners can refuse to adopt and there's not a damned thing the surrogate mother can do about that. That this wouldn't happen in your family doesn't mean it wouldn't happen elsewhere. It already has.

It's not possible to craft laws that protect the surrogate mother from that outcome without those same laws being used to force her to relinquish the child if she changes her mind. Such laws would also put the surrogate mother at risk of being coerced into prenatal tests, abortion, and having her medical decisions overridden by the commissioners. Either the child is legally the surrogate mother's or legally the commissioners', you cannot have it both ways.

The fairest kindest legal solution is to simply outlaw surrogacy.

Beowulfa · 20/04/2026 10:59

The adoption process has changed hugely in this country; now being child-focussed with honesty and openness about the child's birth parents and the circumstances under which they were removed, and ongoing social worker involvement. It is now acknowledged that removing an infant from its mother is a serious step that should only be undertaken if it's the least worst scenario.

There is no equivalent attitude in surrogacy. Would commercial agencies even co-operate with any attempt at a long-term study of outcomes (of both child welfare, and the mental and physical health of the "gestational carrier")? How can you monitor outcomes with private, altruistic arrangements?

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 20/04/2026 10:59

GlovedhandsCecilia · 20/04/2026 10:48

Why do you think surrogacy forbids that?

That baby knows the heartbeat of its mother from within the womb, before birth. The very first breath it takes, it inhales its mother's smell. Newborns instinctively seek their mothers' breasts to feed.

Handing the baby to the commissioners breaks that bond that predates birth.

ladykale · 20/04/2026 11:19

The comments about being a surrogate to a SIL or family member are so weird.

Does this means mums can’t do sky diving because there’s a risk? Can’t climb Mount Everest? How about skiing off piste - notable number of deaths from avalanches / other accidents?

If you have excellent healthcare, are in good health yourself, have been pregnant before and had had low risk pregnancies and are below a certain age, it’s hardly 50/50 risking death is i
I have had all my kids and I’m still at an age where I would happily act as a surrogate to my sister if she couldn’t otherwise have children! No family pressure needed - I’d be very happy to do it!

WydeStrype · 20/04/2026 11:24

ladykale · 20/04/2026 11:19

The comments about being a surrogate to a SIL or family member are so weird.

Does this means mums can’t do sky diving because there’s a risk? Can’t climb Mount Everest? How about skiing off piste - notable number of deaths from avalanches / other accidents?

If you have excellent healthcare, are in good health yourself, have been pregnant before and had had low risk pregnancies and are below a certain age, it’s hardly 50/50 risking death is i
I have had all my kids and I’m still at an age where I would happily act as a surrogate to my sister if she couldn’t otherwise have children! No family pressure needed - I’d be very happy to do it!

They're not weird at all.

I'm close to all my siblings and siblings in law. We love and support each other and our dc are all growing up together as a happy cousin tribe. They spend Christmases, birthdays and holidays together and everyone gets on.

However. We all parent differently. Our dc are all having very different childhoods. Their parents all have different finances, energy levels and priorities. I sometimes think their choices are mad and their priorities nuts.

I absolutely wouldn't not want my dc being brought up in their households and for that to be their experience of childhood. I would not want to hand over a baby and then have to bite my tongue and or feel responsible for what they experience and are subjected to.

It is not weird to raise concerns and issues. You can love your sister but not want to end up incontinent on her behalf.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 20/04/2026 11:26

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 20/04/2026 10:55

You're missing the point.

Legally, the surrogate mother is the mother until the adoption takes place. Legally, the commissioners can refuse to adopt and there's not a damned thing the surrogate mother can do about that. That this wouldn't happen in your family doesn't mean it wouldn't happen elsewhere. It already has.

It's not possible to craft laws that protect the surrogate mother from that outcome without those same laws being used to force her to relinquish the child if she changes her mind. Such laws would also put the surrogate mother at risk of being coerced into prenatal tests, abortion, and having her medical decisions overridden by the commissioners. Either the child is legally the surrogate mother's or legally the commissioners', you cannot have it both ways.

The fairest kindest legal solution is to simply outlaw surrogacy.

Sure but you know adult women with full mental capacity? We are able to discuss these issues and work out a way that we all feel happy to proceed. Again, why do you think so little of women that we cannot navigate this issue ourselves?

Why not be supported in having the right conversations, instead of trying to forbid a woman from using her body how she sees fit?

GlovedhandsCecilia · 20/04/2026 11:28

WydeStrype · 20/04/2026 11:24

They're not weird at all.

I'm close to all my siblings and siblings in law. We love and support each other and our dc are all growing up together as a happy cousin tribe. They spend Christmases, birthdays and holidays together and everyone gets on.

However. We all parent differently. Our dc are all having very different childhoods. Their parents all have different finances, energy levels and priorities. I sometimes think their choices are mad and their priorities nuts.

I absolutely wouldn't not want my dc being brought up in their households and for that to be their experience of childhood. I would not want to hand over a baby and then have to bite my tongue and or feel responsible for what they experience and are subjected to.

It is not weird to raise concerns and issues. You can love your sister but not want to end up incontinent on her behalf.

Well thats about whatever goes on in your family member's house. Me and my SIL have very similar values and parenting styles.

WydeStrype · 20/04/2026 11:28

GlovedhandsCecilia · 20/04/2026 11:26

Sure but you know adult women with full mental capacity? We are able to discuss these issues and work out a way that we all feel happy to proceed. Again, why do you think so little of women that we cannot navigate this issue ourselves?

Why not be supported in having the right conversations, instead of trying to forbid a woman from using her body how she sees fit?

But you ignore the child in this, don't you?

It is so fundamental, that babies should not be deliberately conceived to be traded/gifted/sold. The women are part of but not in any way the sole consideration.

KnottyAuty · 20/04/2026 11:29

GlovedhandsCecilia · 20/04/2026 10:29

They would have raised a disabled child. Why do you assume they would not? Can you point to a post where I said anything like that?

The truth is that when we discussed it as a 4, they asked me if I would decline nuchal screening because they wanted the baby regardless of their ability/disability. I did point out that many disabilities would become evident on scan at some point and they were fine with that. We wanted to make sure all these sorts of things were sorted before we embarked on anything formal.

So why do you assume that two grown women, one of who is already a mother, would not discuss these outcomes?

Are your family known for giving up on babies due to disability? As mine or my husband's are not.

I have only asked questions because I am curious and because I asked about the disability question a couple of times and you ignored it, referring only to your own mortality. From that I inferred that you hadn't discussed it. I'm not judging as you seem to think - and as I explained above - because of my own experiences of pregnancy related queries/risk approach. One of my children is disabled - it is not an easy road and fraught with worry for the future. It wasn't a birth injury but I know people who have had to deal with this and it is a lot harder than the nuchal test discussion which is somewhat abstract (or at least it was for me)

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