'I love my child, but I'm afraid he's going to kill me'

[IwantToRetire]

“I went to the doctor for support for my son, in the first instance, and then he attacked me in front of the GP, who realised the extent of what we were living with, and he tried to make referrals. He tried to refer me to Women’s Aid, but because Jack was under 18, they wouldn’t work with us, because it’s not classed as domestic abuse. But that’s exactly what it was.”

Some organisations call it “child-to-parent abuse”, “child-to-parent violence” or “filial violence.” The domestic abuse charity RESPECT defines it as the dynamic where a young person, eight to 18 years old, engages in repeated abusive behaviour towards a parent or adult carer. It might be physical, emotional, economic or sexual. Or it can be coercive control. In the majority of cases (over 80 per cent) severe violence is targeted at the mother or female caregiver. According to figures released in December 2025 from the Metropolitan Police, the number of violent offences involving an adolescent attacking their parents or step-parents has increased by more than 60 per cent in the past decade.

When we talk about it, because it is such a taboo, people feel uncomfortable. Parents – especially mums – are already blamed for everything, so when something like this happens they feel ashamed, as if they’re a terrible parent who has failed. There’s also so much grief, because society tells you what typical family life should look like, and what a good parent is, and when the one person you love unconditionally is hurting you, it’s horrific.”

There are signs in schools and in the community that youth violence is more widespread than many realise, too. According to Met Police figures from 2025, 7,512 children aged between 10 and 14 were suspected of violent crime, including knife offences, in 2023 – a rise of 38 per cent from 2020.

Just a few paragraphs from quite a long article https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/love-child-afraid-kill-me-4181559
Can also be read in full at https://archive.is/n9s0s

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I was going to add it to a thread about this from about a year ago as it seems nothing much has changed in terms of support.

If anyone knows the link to the older thread, can you post like as I think that various support services were posted in response.

But as with many articles like this the stats are vague. ie are the police figures mainly reflecting boys or are girls also becoming more violent.

But very sad and scary situation.

The balance of power has tipped in favour of the child. No wonder the figures have skyrocketed.

Did you read the article?

Irrespective of service provision and support, families are now finding one child amongst 2 or 3 is inexplicably angry and violent.

Sometimes from birth, sometimes as they grow older.

Also it is clear that support services think if a child is a problem (even if they are inflicting real hurt) that somehow the family (usually meaning the mother) should be able to restrain and control the child.

Of course there may not be that big an increase, and perhaps that more families are prepared to admit they have an uncontrollable child.

So two things need to happen. More support and less stigma. But also proper research to find out what is creating these violent children.

How in this example is it about giving "power" to childre:

Laura’s son Jack – now 15 – has been removed from the family home. “This happened after he had me on the floor and was kicking me repeatedly, and I genuinely thought I was going to die, that my son was going to kill me. After that, he was taken into a care facility.”

Laura doesn’t know why her son began behaving like this. “I question myself everyday, and ask myself why this happened. I wonder whether he was so angry with me because I didn’t protect him from getting hurt on the bus. But I don’t know. I haven’t got the answer. I can only guess there’s some link between him being beaten up on the bus, and his neurodivergence, and him changing.” Experts say it is important to note that sometimes there is no clear reason.

Jack has been deemed beyond parental control, and of risk to the public, and to himself. He’s been in all sorts of facilities, including one half way across the country, but now he’s living in something similar to secure accommodation, with three adults with him at all times. He’s been in trouble with the law since leaving the home, and is now on a Deprivation of Liberty Order (DoLS), which makes it lawful for a vulnerable adult or child to be deprived of their liberty. There is a protocol in place, which means that if he goes missing, the police have to be called within 15 minutes.

How can a 15 year old boy who is thought to need 3 adults with him at all times be said to be something that parents, let alone a single mother could cope with.

I had similar. Violent child, reasons for the violence based in early trauma
I genuinely thought my child was going to kill me. Risk assessed for 3-1 in education provision but just me at home. My home was tagged by the police though so I only had to press a button 3x and they would come
I think there are lots of reasons why children are more violent

I didn't, but I am interested in this topic so I will just as soon as I get the chance.

Many children are not violent, but they are still rude and disrespectful to their parents in ways that gen X would never have got away with. So it's unsurprising that other negative behaviours are also more commonplace.

I'd be interested to know if these violent children were hit by their own parents when small.

15 year old boy who is thought to need 3 adults with him at all times

That's madness. It must have been terrifying for the family. And anyone in contact with him really, for probably a few years years.

It's an horrific situation & there's sod-all in place to adress kids' violence or support parents, there's barely any training on the subject for social workers of MH professionals. I knew a woman who spent god knows how much on therapists & psychiatrists (Social Services & CAMHS did a bit of handwringing & some frankly insulting chat about boundaries & consequences to a woman who'd had to lock up everything in the house that might be used as a weapon, right down to forks) but eventually wound up having to make police complaints, leading to serious convictions & incarceration. It was the only way to keep the younger sibling safe & it broke her. (YS was also a victim of the older sib's violence.)

The kid had to be accommodated in a secure unit, such was the extremity of violence. Youth custody is underfunded, overcrowded, permanently in staffing crisis & has higher rates of violence against staff & fellow inmates than the adult estate. Rehabilitation is vanishingly unlikely in that context.

I knew sometime ago a work colleague who went through this. It nearly wrecked her and made her life hell for what I suppose were the teen years of her son. And there was very little support of any sort.

I wish someone would do proper research to make clearer whether the figures of the police having to deal with more violent children is because of an increase or because it is being recognised more.

Also, better recording of families where this is happening.

The article does talk about a link to autism, but that isn't true of all cases.

Is it more likely to be boys.

And all thought the article is critical of Women's Aid, I dont think it is obvious that the services Women's Aid provides would help in the case of young children.

I know that until recently, or maybe it is still true, that the police didn't record instances of elder abuse as domestic violence, and there has been pressure to change that. And not saying it is all, but some of this elder abuse is children to parent.

Added to which, and I know they got contempt for saying it, but the parents of the Southport killer were afraid of him.

If the police are recognising an increase in child (teenage?) violence then they too need to have a better mechanism for responding.

So sorry for those who have posted about their experience.

It seems such a terrible and terrifying situation to be trapped in.

Let alone the emotional toll of it being your child and how you must have thought you would have a very differnt future.

I dont think you realise how insulting it is to the women who have spoken about the terror and grief this has caused to them and other members of the family your comments are.

If you have some pet theory about about children being hit, go and find an article that says that or write your own OP.

Apart from being rude it is just so dismissive of those who have been prepared to speak in public.

Apologies if I have insulted anyone, it certainly wasn't my intention.

The child I know who did this has ASD and ADHD and did it from young, was over 6 foot in his early teens and struggled at school. He had an emotionally abusive dad who I think also hit him at times. He left them when the boy was around 8. His mum was and still is amazing in how she stood by him but the abuse and destruction in the home was so extreme. She was utterly alone. Eventually social work became involved but the impact has been limited. Police response seemed to improve as he got older and it was clearer what she was dealing with. I don’t know how she has had the strength.

Interesting post OP. My son is 5 diagnosed with ASD and I deal with violent outbursts directed at me on a daily basis. I can assure you @kinkytoes that is not down to poor parenting and I was i could parent away some of my son's behaviours. Since he was 3 we have been seeing a child psychiatrist, a child psychologist and occupational therapist - we have had parent coaching since he was 3. DS is seen as high functioning as he attends a mainstream private school without incident. But outside school we experience the worst of the violence - he has a PDA profile and suspected ADHD. Any transition usually triggers him. Any time he is told no will trigger him. What works for other parents of NT kids does not work for us. It's very hard for someone who has a NT to relate because from an outside perspective when he is mid meltdown it just looks like he is behaving badly but it is alot more complex than that.
As he gets bigger it becomes harder to manage. Almost every day I am hit, kicked, bitten, hair pulled, have things thrown at me. I've had a black eye, cuts to my face from objects thrown at me. There is no consequence that can stop the behaviour. The lesson is never learned.
As parents we are broken by this and have contemplated divorce just so we can have a break, even though we don't want to separate.
And you're right, it is a taboo. We can't talk about it with friends for fear of our son being seen as a "horrible" child. Or us as terrible parents. DS is a really lovely boy - very kind, loving, bright and popular. But there is this aspect of his behaviour that we are terrified of and have no access to support- we are desperately trying to "nip it in the bud" because we are so worried about the future and how we cope.
Often with kids who have ASD, like my son they don't sleep well, can be fussy eaters. Issues with constipation due to restricted diet and i believe these things are circular so I'm trying to tackle that side to see if it can improve his behaviour.

Sending you love, support and strength. I do hope that you can get through this.

Very few people know that my DC has had a 1 day suspension for a violent incident. We suspect only avoided being expelled because he is ND and possibly being managed badly. It is terrible to sit in front of teachers who you fear only pretend to understand and secretly just think you're a really bad parent...and bad person.

My DC has been physically violent to me but we've hopefully got through to him that this is really bad behaviour. He is currently my height but already massively stronger, despite not having started puberty. It is in my head that he could present a real danger to me.

I never tell people the full truth about DC on their worst days as I fear ostracism for them and me.

Is this violence amongst young men getting worse? when I look back to my schooldays (secondary mixed school 1969 - 1975), there were around thirty other boys in my year in the "A" and "B" classes. Of those thirty, I could only think of two, who would hit other boys for no reason and they were very nasty. One of them aged 15, attacked the PE teacher with a cricket bat and a couple of the other boys managed to subdue him. If there is violence towards family members, particularly mothers, from 5 year olds, then that is before they have any out side influence, apart from possibly TV. If the violence is extreme at an older age, such as Jamie Bulger's killers, who were both aged 10, then there maybe a whole host of different factors causing their violence.
If we fast forward to the present, then there is no doubt in my mind that social media, influencers such as Andrew Tate, readily available violent porn, an increase in misogynistic attitudes towards women and girls, all of these, added to adolescent anger and confusion, could create a perfect storm.
The question is, how do we stop it, how do we put the evil genie back in the lamp.

I don't think it's rude at all. We are seeing more and more disregulated behaviour in kids, including rudeness and language that in earlier generations would have been much less common.

It's pretty reasonable to consider if there is a relationship between that and more drsregulated violence.

I wonder if the violence comes as a result of being unable to communicate their thoughts and feelings adequately? I work with a preschool child assessed with Autism, they are non-verbal and when told no, i.e. about to snatch a toy from a child or climb furniture in an unsafe manner, they are immediately violent - They will scratch hard, try to bite. I understand that this is because they have no other way of communicating that they are not happy with that decision.
We all know that diagnosis and support for neurodivergence is very spotty and difficult to access, so if a child never receives the help needed then they will continue to be violent. Also, if a child is neurodiverse then the feelings are often much stronger for smaller things because their way of seeing things is completely different and the ability to process information and respond to that information is different.

On a different note, I think there is a desensitivity to violence in boys when there is a lot of free access to violent content, there is much more than there used to be with the internet and the available games are very violent in some cases. As well as news content and social media.

Thank you, I felt like I had well and truly been put back in my box with that comment, and nearly didn't come back to the conversation. I was trying to discuss the matter in hand. Just exploring ideas really, not placing blame anywhere.

Basically it seems that children stopped being physically disciplined (with the ban on smacking), and yet violence in children has increased. Which tells us that smacking children as a discipline probably didn't increase violence in children (and possibly even reduced it).

I haven't read any studies, I'm just saying what I see.

My own child is awful to me and it's soul destroying. I never used physical discipline but my parents thought I should have. I actually felt judged within my own family for not doing so!

Sorry again if any of this offends anyone but its a tough subject however you look at it.

Massive sympathy to all who are suffering.

@Janblues28 just want to reassure you that I don't believe poor parenting is to blame at all. Hopefully my post above explains.

I think it's the change in societal expectations of parenting and the change in the balance of power. Which is the framework within which we are all trying to parent well.

I suspect that in those days, children who displayed these behaviours were in either specialist settings (educational and non educational) that have since closed due to the push on integrating children with additional needs into mainstream that has happened since, or just not in education at all.

I think it probably varies a lot between schools, and always has done. At my school nearly everyone was moderately well off and physical assaults were rare. I don't think anybody would ever have attacked a teacher!

Nothing of value to add to this, except to say that I think there's a silent epidemic of women in this situation, and it's awful.

I fear this is where my son is headed. He is 8 and has been violent since he was a toddler, when we adopted him. I worry about him getting bigger and stronger. We have tried to get support from so many professionals and keep having doors slammed in our faces. Our GP refused to refer him to CAHMS as he wasn’t hurting himself and we were told to take him to a&e if he became a danger. Post adoption support will only offer us parenting courses. Our world feels like it’s getting smaller and smaller with no hope for the future.

Its rude because basically 2 or maybe it was 3 women spoke frankly about their experience, which was very brave.

And also highlighted the lack of support.

Then someone who hasn't even had the curtesy to listen (read) what they have said randomly posts something that is their pet theory.

This is clearly nothing what so ever to do with whether as a whole children are ruder, or whatever.

This is about a very specific group a children with uncontrolable behaviour.

And anyone person with some level of empathy given that now others have publicly talked about their experience even further highlights the trauma this is for mothers and the children.

Why are there some on FWR who never start a thread about what they want to talk about, but think they can irrelevantly insert their pet theory into another thread. Particularly one that is so personal

Thanks to those who have talked about having to face this challenge.

And without wanting to say this is a fact, does anyone know if information is being collected on children acting in this way.

Am also concerned as it wasn't dealt with in the article whether there is a link to autism, or not. ie in all cases reported, as no doubt many parents feel unable to let anyone know, has there been a breakdown as to whether the child is autistic.

Is it about families now being smaller, and less likely to be part of a larger family near by. ie the child/ren and parents spend most of their time just in their family unit.

Not saying it is any of those, but seems strange that it seems to be a growing problem.

Watching with interest because I have a family member who is going through something similar. Single mum, dad left before her son was born. Son is seven, very intelligent and articulate but there is suspicion of a PDA profile although no diagnosis because at school he presents as the perfect child.

What she goes through at home she won't fully tell anyone because she is so afraid of having her child taken away from her, but she has to lock herself into her bedroom at night because she fears being killed in her sleep. She is a mass of bruises, anything she values has been broken or flushed down the toilet. They've been asked to leave hotels. Yet because she can't or won't ask for help and outside the family he behaves well, it will continue.