'I love my child, but I'm afraid he's going to kill me'

[IwantToRetire]

“I went to the doctor for support for my son, in the first instance, and then he attacked me in front of the GP, who realised the extent of what we were living with, and he tried to make referrals. He tried to refer me to Women’s Aid, but because Jack was under 18, they wouldn’t work with us, because it’s not classed as domestic abuse. But that’s exactly what it was.”

Some organisations call it “child-to-parent abuse”, “child-to-parent violence” or “filial violence.” The domestic abuse charity RESPECT defines it as the dynamic where a young person, eight to 18 years old, engages in repeated abusive behaviour towards a parent or adult carer. It might be physical, emotional, economic or sexual. Or it can be coercive control. In the majority of cases (over 80 per cent) severe violence is targeted at the mother or female caregiver. According to figures released in December 2025 from the Metropolitan Police, the number of violent offences involving an adolescent attacking their parents or step-parents has increased by more than 60 per cent in the past decade.

When we talk about it, because it is such a taboo, people feel uncomfortable. Parents – especially mums – are already blamed for everything, so when something like this happens they feel ashamed, as if they’re a terrible parent who has failed. There’s also so much grief, because society tells you what typical family life should look like, and what a good parent is, and when the one person you love unconditionally is hurting you, it’s horrific.”

There are signs in schools and in the community that youth violence is more widespread than many realise, too. According to Met Police figures from 2025, 7,512 children aged between 10 and 14 were suspected of violent crime, including knife offences, in 2023 – a rise of 38 per cent from 2020.

Just a few paragraphs from quite a long article https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/love-child-afraid-kill-me-4181559
Can also be read in full at https://archive.is/n9s0s

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I was going to add it to a thread about this from about a year ago as it seems nothing much has changed in terms of support.

If anyone knows the link to the older thread, can you post like as I think that various support services were posted in response.

But as with many articles like this the stats are vague. ie are the police figures mainly reflecting boys or are girls also becoming more violent.

But very sad and scary situation.

It seems really hard to find support organisation, particularly even when you spell it out the search engines assumes it must be about parents physically abusing a child rather than the other way round.

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

https://freeva.org.uk/understanding-child-on-parent-abuse/

https://www.college.police.uk/article/support-child-parent-abuse

There was a Government consultation on this asking for better definitions etc., but somehow the results haven't been published. https://www.gov.uk/government/consultations/defining-child-to-parent-abuse

On the contrary, on this thread you have parents who have experienced violence from their children of all ages trying to work out why, what the antecedents are, what has changed in society? You were downright hostile to this parent sharing her thoughts.
This is a parenting site and hostile responses like yours to a parent proffering her thoughts are silencing. Just because you don't agree with her, doesn't mean they're not worth voicing.
And I can assure you, that after a lifetime of working with children and their often desperate parents, that behaviour can change with little warning. The "quiet compliant child" suddenly rebels and all hell lets loose.

There are a host of reasons and currently nobody has a clear explanation for what we're looking at so parents need to be encouraged to share their thoughts without being piled on.

He tried to refer me to Women’s Aid, but because Jack was under 18, they wouldn’t work with us, because it’s not classed as domestic abuse. 🤯

I don't know why there should be any age limit, but according to the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, it's defined as involving people aged 16 and over. Why are Women's Aid excluding 16 and 17-year-olds?

I grew up in a family like this. My brother would violently attack my mum and me. However, my Dad worked abroad and when he was home it didn’t happen. My brother was physically scared of my Dad so chose not to behave violently to us during that time.

I went NC with my brother after I left my parental home. I believe he would still be violent with me given the chance but now he is very physically scared of my husband who was a rugby prop forward.

I am here because 10 years ago I worked as a teacher and I tried to get help for a family and there was nothing. And I think about that family often.

I'm so sorry. This is where the situations in the OP stem from. We have such a screwed up system where early intervention that might prevent* *a child escalating to being an abusive, dangerous teenager, just isn't there. Even when the risk factors are evident.

Until society is able to offer preventive support at a younger age, this is going to continuree and escalate.

In the past quite a few of these harder to help children/ adults would have been in full time facilities and not living with their parents. Care in the community though there had been a shift to it previously was not really in the forefront till 1983 culminating in the Community Care Act in 1990. it was a major policy shift.

There were also far more schools for children with additional needs. For that change look to Baroness Warnock 1978 report around inclusion and again major policy changes. It’s probably not appropriate to put some children in a mainstream school and they suffer, but there are hardly any places in schools for children with additional needs now. She actually had a major U turn and said it was a policy failure right back in 2005 and it was a mistake closing so many of these schools.

So whilst I’m not bringing attention to these policies to have a moral debate it does show a radical societal change at a policy level affecting every person who has a child with additional needs but especially those who have a child with very complex and challenging needs.

When it comes to violence from children and young people without additional needs there is the also the more common use of weed now and it’s not the same as stuff 40 years ago. This has led to an explosion of MH issues among young people. Many can use and be fine but for a few their brain chemistry and just the way it affects them is life changing and also for those around them.

You only have to read threads on here about mums in fear of their lives and for those of their other children to see the attitude 'You can't abandon him, parent him', 'get your husband to move out with the toddler and you stay with the child that's battering you' and the women saying that they've been told by social workers that if they try to place the violent child into care, they'll be prosecuted for abandonment.

OP I can't possibly start a thread on EVERY single subject I find interesting. Not enough hours in the day.

These women are very brave for sharing, I agree.

One has to ask, what is YOUR agenda here? Clearly you're not open to free exchange of ideas.

What is this future for these children, once they become adults?

Does anyone have knowledge about medication to calm people? It would not be suitable for many, but perhaps, for a few, it would be better than a life locked up with 3 to one attendants, or a life locked up in prison.

Apparently, prisoners are sometimes restrained, in order to try to force them to swallow doses of medication. The alternative available to prisons is to try to get the prison doctor to administer injections, which nobody likes.

It doesn't seem to be suggested that medicine could be taken in a third way, i.e. by implant, which would be more reliable, and would require a lower dose, and which has been tested for many years on women, for long lasting contraceptive implants.

Yet the poster you are referring to has said her own child is awful to her, so she does fit in with the theme of this thread.

I didn’t know this was so common. Absolutely heartbreaking 😞

In my (working) experience, dysregulated boys who are aggressive direct that to their mothers and not their fathers. Having a dad in the family home often seems to be a deterrent.

I had this too, but from a Dd.

I have been subjected to coercive control and manipulation since my child was 14, now aged 36. It has just got worse as he got older as the issues became bigger. This is the first time in 22 years that I have seen anything written on the subject. I had no support and didn't know where to turn. I even rang the police for advice but they couldn't give me any. I didn't even know it was coercive control until relatively recently. It has affected my life to a degree I am unable to express or explain,as well as that of my other children who moved away from it as soon as they could. I suspect there is undiagnosed ADHD as there is a permanent trail of chaos that I always felt I needed to fix. I have stopped doing that now. When I explained to my doctor only today, he looked at me and said, is your heart broken?. I felt listened to by a professional for the first time in a long time.

In my case never ending chaos, no impulse control, huge debt, drugs and alcohol and removal of a child who now lives with me.

I honestly don’t know where things are going with children like this, but society and the soft touch, it’s got to be someone else’s fault don’t help. There’s a thread where the dm is blaming the school for failing her child, “ he only swore and was aggressive to the teacher and walked out of the class
why are they being harsh to him??!
and another “why are parents complaining about another pupil punching or threatening their child?! That’s part of life”.. and the thread of how it’s so MUCH more important to check
on the wellbeing of the agressor rather than the child they’ve just assaulted..

Speaking from my own experience of my mildly autistic son, who is really not anywhere near the scale some people have sadly talked about here, - sometimes the violence is accidental - patting too hard, swinging arms randomly etc. Sometimes it's a response to negative interactions, frustration and anger - being told no. Sometimes he seems unaware of the effects or consequences - ie thinks poking people with pencils isn't a problem.

It's not one consistent problem which makes it harder to deal with. I've asked him about his empathy levels and he said he doesn't really have it but he does love his family (and hugs me).

One thing I do remember is watching an episode of Law and Order where the perpetrator found to have double Y - YY-chromosomes. In the story, this was the basis of a defence -he was extremely naturally aggressive with testosterone off the charts.

I think it's been debunked as a theory but I do still wonder.

Which shows that they can control their behaviour when they want, even at home

It was debunked, I think, because rates of incarceration for XYY men weren’t higher than other men when taking into account the learning and developmental challenges that are part of the XYY syndrome.

XYY individuals have associated developmental language disorders, with reading difficulties, processing and executive functioning challenges and are more likely to be diagnosed with ASD/ADHD.

Ah, thank you, so one to stay in the realm of fiction then.

@IwantToRetire
Just sharing really. I have a son who was verbally and physically violent towards me.. he was under 18 it was going on from about age 15 to 17 got worse as time went on. Many people do not recognise it and the mother does often get the blame. There are definitely many people on MN who do not understand it i have experienced that side of it for sure.

Many people think just take their gadgets away ground them. Thats impossible to do with a violent child. Once we finally got sone support ds was under camhs and I done a course for parents of children with dysregulation. And its the opposite to take their gadgets ground them etc. Which I never did because I knew it could make me unsafe. But yes basically your taught not to take things away punish etc . Because doing that escalates rather than desolate that can then lead to the violence being worse.

Some of the responses I had were absolutely awful from here . Not all of them but it's the hurtful ones that stick . Going through a form of domestic violence from your own child and in top of that awful replies on here . It certainly explains why woman feel ashamed and like theres no one to turn to.

Ds is much better now he doesn't live at home. He visits he still has his bedroom. Video calls me almost every day Sometimes for a good few hours and hes much happier in himself now.

Anyone who is struggling with this or has I really hope you get the support you deserve. Also for your child. But you need to be heard and understood. And please believe its not your thought. Sadly child to parent violence isn't spoken about enough so there's a lack of understanding and support.

I think there will be multiple factors for the rise in violence amongst boys. There's not one specific cause. In my case as mentioned previously, my sons violence towards me is linked to his diagnosis of ASD/ADHD. He has always been this way. Not all kids with ASD have the same profile so not all will have violent outbursts like my son. I do think there is far more to be done that just accepting a diagnosis of ASD without looking into other factors- genetics, diet, environment, PANDAs which has recently been recognised by the NHS. Hence why im seeking out testing for my son to determine if there are physiological factors impacting his behaviour. I strongly suspect due to his restricted diet that he will be deficient in certain vitamins/minerals/iron etc. I know he was not getting enough sleep but since he's been prescribed melatonin that has massively helped. Alot of these things are circular. We are exploring PANDAs also as he recently developed a tic after a period of illness. I know there has been a dramatic increase in children diagnosed with ASD/ADHD and that is partly because of the widening diagnostic criteria, more awareness etc but I can't help but feel the environment has alot to do with it - pollution, diet, chemicals we are unknowingly exposed to, allergies - thats been the biggest change of all over time. After my son was diagnosed it opened up the usual support for kids with his profile but there was no supporting entity to delve in to diet - the link between brain and gut health, etc, the rise in PANDAs - how many kids are out there exhibiting similar symptoms of ASD that are infact PANDAs. I dont think any of it is to be overlooked. To add, I dont doubt my sons diagnosis but I do think there are other factors feeding into his behaviours.