young relative wants to transition, family is reeling

[hilariasouzanem]

My young adult nephew has told his parents he wants to transition, and it's come as a huge shock. They have strong feelings about it, understandably, as do I. I'm looking for resources for them to help them navigate this situation. I really feel they need support, ideally from people in the same boat. Are there support groups for parents in this position? There must be a board here on MN but I don't know where to look. Can anyone point me in the right direction please?

FWIW I have dipped in and out of the FWR boards for years, and my views would be considered GC. It's not something we've ever discussed within the family though.

And while I'm here, can anyone help with this question - what happened to the concept of social transitioning before medical transition? Didn't you used to have to do that for a year (two years?) before anyone would consider prescribing hormones? My DN is planning to start on hormones in a few weeks and this is all very new.

Leaving aside my GC position, I really feel he's not mature enough to make this decision. He's technically an adult but very young for his age. He has had a fairly serious mental health issue for several years, which has slowed his development. He has only this year found the right meds that have helped him recover (mostly but not completely) from that and he has some catching up to do.

Any pointers gratefully received. I will either share resources mentioned with SIL or show her this thread.

Bayswater Support is often recommended for parents in this situation, best of luck to them.

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Approach it in the same way as if he'd been drawn into a cult, because that's exactly what you're dealing with here. You could be in for a long tough ride. The longer that medication can be delayed, the better. Good luck!

Sex Matters has a list of resources: https://sex-matters.org/support-for-parents/

What a tough situation OP 💐

This website is specifically about boys who experience ROGD (rapid onset gender dysphoria):

https://www.rogdboys.org/

I would also recommend reading Detrans by Dr Az Hakeem. I found Gender Dysphoria (a working model...) by Sue and Marcus Evans really helpful when I realised that I needed to effectively become my daughter's "therapist" - not easy as she didn't want to talk but I did manage to have very slowly unfolding gradual conversations, in a piecemeal way over time, about what was making her feel like she did. This book really helped me to think about how to approach that. There's a whole chapter on boys. I'd recommend skipping the foreword (by Dr David Bell) as it's written in psychology language, but the rest of the book isn't as its target audience is parents or any other lay person who is supporting a child in this situation.

Is he autistic? If so, I can share some other resources as well.

I appreciate it's rather awkward regarding your own nephew but do you have an idea which of Blanchard's "types" he is? If you're not sure are there any clues e.g. is he into gaming/anime? Both of these have active communities who encourage boys to find themselves attractive as a female. If you think it could be this, do you already know enough about it? If not, I can share more.

what happened to the concept of social transitioning before medical transition? Didn't you used to have to do that for a year (two years?) before anyone would consider prescribing hormones?

Sadly, most of the guardrails which protect adults from harm have been removed. They weren't very good in the first place, same as for children, but there was at least some "gatekeeping" before anyone could access medication that would permanently alter their body.

I'm not sure it was ever two years of social transition first. Maybe but perhaps you're thinking of obtaining a GRC, which requires a male to "live as a woman" for 2 years before this can be done. GRCs and hormones aren't linked to each other in any way.

Edited for typo.

Thank you all, this is all very helpful. @FamilyHomeForChristmas yes this feels huge. Unfortunately it comes at the end of a very difficult year for the rest of the family, so bandwidth is low.

@BonfireLady he's not autistic, and I think with my briefest of searches, he'd be the AGP type in Blanchard's classification. He has spent a lot of his teenage years alone in his room gaming.

What I don't yet know is how long he's been feeling this way. It's sudden for us but maybe he's been hiding it for a long time?

Unfortunately it comes at the end of a very difficult year for the rest of the family, so bandwidth is low.

Could this be linked to how he’s feeling? I can’t offer any practical advice other than to ensure you understand the world that he has entered and the encouragement he is likely to be getting to cut his family off if they don’t comply so you can help everyone navigate this with least damage, particularly to his health.

Good to know autism is off the table. I should imagine that his cognitive processing may be impacted in perhaps a similar way as an autistic adolescent (from the way you've described him) but obviously it's not quite the same thing and autism is very broad. For example, my daughter is academically very mature but socially and emotionally immature. Where autism materials may help is that they address the cognitive processing of language (e.g. what does it mean to be a woman?) and also the impact of your body changing, some of which is sensory e.g. beard growth feeling uncomfortable. The Detrans book I mentioned covers the cognitive processing element in a way that may be useful.

It's worth learning everything you can about the grim world of autogynophilia. Knowledge is power etc. Thankfully he's still relatively young and the more you know, the more you and your family can help steer him in a hopefully different direction. The ROGD site touches on the issue with gaming but it's far worse than their top level overview. That said, maybe they've done a deep dive on it since I last looked.

Nothing to do with gaming, but the film Regretters on Netflix is a good one to watch. It's in a documentary style with a very simple format. Two men, both now detransitioned from their former lives as transwomen, interview each other. Using Blanchard's classification, one seems to be an autogynophile, the other an HSTS. They are compassionate in how they speak to each other but don't hold back on either difficult questions or judging the other for their behaviour regarding who they have hurt in their lives. Neither defends their own behaviour and both do a reasonable amount of self reflection. But it's clear they are still a bit confused. I promise none of that is a spoiler - it's fascinating listening to their discussion (well, reading the subtitles - it's in Swedish) and will help with a general overview of everything to do with males who identify as women.

Also nothing to do with gaming, this blog that has been written by an autogynophile has some useful information about what "the condition" is:

https://archive.is/2pQIq

Also worth (and steady yourself because it's 🤢) Googling "MtF egg cracking Reddit" to see the kinds of things that get talked about in these communities. This will give you some insight into the gaming world, as well as some things you'll wish you could unknow.

I'm really sorry, OP, that sounds very difficult for everyone.

I wonder if he needs help processing the recent difficult year? An aunt or uncle might be able to help out there. Does he have other hobbies than gaming? Could you take him out places to effectively 'touch grass'?

The other thing to do is support the rest of the family. Be a steady presence.

Great advice there from Arabella.

We had to spend a lot of time thinking about how to build connections with my daughter when she was determined to lash out (physically) and knock them down. It was a slow and gradual process. Car journey chats about things she was interested in was an early way to do this - but that didn't start until she was ready to leave the house (she was in a very bad place mental-health wise at the start and spent most of her time in her room).

We also had to think about the impact on the family dynamic. I felt pretty overwhelmed and I was aware that this wasn't helping either. Finding the right support for each of us was important in navigating this. Putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others was critical advice in amongst everything else. Hopefully others in Bayswater can signpost to the kind of support that helps when someone has already decided to transition. My daughter didn't get that far so I didn't join the group in the end. I did use information on their website though.

I don't think the two things are connected. I spent some time with him today and he said he's been thinking about it for about eight months. The wider family problems have only been the last few months.

This, no pandering, “gosh aren’t you special/brave/a victim we will all go along with this nonsense “.

what would the family response be if they wanted to identify as a dolphin?

@ArabellaSaurus yes, wise words. I will do my best. We had a long chat today and he told me more about it all. It's a lot to process. For the adults at least. He thinks it's not such a big deal, it's really common...

@BonfireLady is it possible to be in both the AGP and the other category? I said AGP based on something he was wearing the other day. And today he explained to me it's about his appearance, and how he appears to himself, not so much other people. But he also said he thinks he's autistic and when I asked what traits he had, he rattled off a list which did sound convincing. I'd assumed he wasn't because I thought someone would have picked that up during all the med/psych attention he's had over the years.

I did find out he's attracted to women, not men. I'd never imagined he was gay, but it rules out that compensating thing.

@PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul there hasn’t been any pandering. Tbh a dolphin would be easier as he'd be the only one. He wouldn't be able to tell us lots of people identify as dolphins, and he wouldn't have his own pod of other dolphins to swim with

@BonfireLady I couldn't get the link to work - is there a title I could search please?

Sorry @hilariasouzanem for the flippancy but am so bored by all the trans me me MEEE!! shtick and everyone must pander and centre me!

I get it, don't worry

Transitioning is going to have a very drastic effect on his dating pool. Does he realise that? And the safety in numbers argument only takes you so far. Lots of people get cancer - that doesn't make cancer any nicer, does it?

I think it probably is quite common in online gaming. It’s based on fantasy and escapism where you can be anyone you want without any real world consequences. I recall the Levy enquiry highlighted that some of those who went to GI clinics had unrealistic expectations.

I raised that and he said he doesn't care. And that some people don't/won't mind. I do have a friend with a FTM young adult child who seems to do ok in that regard. My friend has said in the past that it's a generational thing - they just love who they love and don't get hung up on what sex the other person is.

And yet what sex (or gender) you are is supposedly so important that you have to go through medical treatment to change it.
It would be interesting to find out how many young women are genuinely open to a long term relationship with a transwoman. I'm surprised that the FTM young adult you know doesn't have any problems with her dating pool. Assuming that she's straight.

Yes, sorry, its a bit delicate, but AGP means a man is aroused by the image of himself dressed as a woman. Some crossdressers, like Debbie Hayton, are open about it. Its a type of paraphilia, or fetish.

The ICD, which NHS uses for diagnosis, lists this as something to be checked for and excluded before making a diagnosis of 'gender incongruence'.

OP I think you can tell him that although he feels like he’s in a bad place right now, waiting a few months to start the hormones is worth considering. Firstly to get some counselling and second to really stop and think what the long term impact of this may be. It may mean he never has his own biological children - that may be a sacrifice he’s feels he has to make, but can he be sure he won’t regret it when he’s 33 or 38?

I didn’t want kids in my 20s but now my entire life centres on my role as a mum. Can he see himself as “mum” to some kids either adopted or created from a sperm donor? This decision is his whole life, he can’t just change his mind later without consequences.

This is nothing like getting medication for an illness. This is a life-changing decision.

How old is he? I'm assuming by young adult you're talking about over 18? My ds is 24 nearly and is investigating living as a female. At the moment he's not wanting to change his name but is changing his appearance as he finds things like shaving physically distressing. He's been referred for counselling and at the moment is funding it privately as the NHS list has a wait time of 6 - 7 years. He's felt dysmorphia for around 5 years and isn't interested in medication at this point.
Id suggest he goes to his GP in case this is related to the mental health side. If he's over 18 then his family will make their own decisions but can't actually stop it happening. Make sure he's not buying random stuff off the internet and whatever he's expecting to use is being monitored properly by the GP.