Daughter identifying as trans and wants hormones and surgery, what do I do?

[Syida]

My daughter is 16 and autistic. For some years now she's been toying with a non binary identity. I have not affirmed. I've talked to her about sex realism and how autistic people feel different and you can't change sex. I refused to use a different name or pronouns for her and explained why.

Yesterday she told me she's using a male name at college (I actually already knew this but she didn't know that I knew) and intends to go on hormones and have a double mastectomy when she's 18.

I'm distraught. I don't know what to do or if I can in fact do anything. She won't listen to me about sex reality, just says I'm unsupportive of her. I've explained that I'm not, that she wears what she wants and has her hair as she wants but that I won't support her in something that isn't true.

I feel like I've failed her. She's going to do irreversible damage to her body and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I've told her I love her and that all I want is for her not to do anything permanent to herself but college are affirming and she's so closed to hearing anything she doesn't want to hear. I've told her we don't have to agree on things, and that it doesn't mean I don't love her. We are actually very close and she talks to me about most things except this.

I have read the books, I've been openly GC for years, I know all about the theory of this but I don't know what to do to stop my daughter harming herself.

I don't know where to turn.

@Syida I have no advice or guidance to offer you but I hope that your daughter finds her way to a safe shore and that you and she can look back on this episode as a storm that passed.

Hi OP,

is it possible given the distress caused by her periods to go on a birth control to stop them?

As an Austic teen I also considered being FtM for a time, but when I really thought about it what I wanted it was not to be male but to opt out of 1. The feeling of not being safe in the world 2. Discrimination 3. Painful periods.

Of course you can’t opt out of the first two by being trans, which was obvious when I was honest with myself about the ppl who transitioned in the forums I was on.

After I got a Dr to help me lessen the frequency/ stop my periods I stopped spending all my time hating my female body. It also Helped that I found FtM forums deeply into stereotypes which I found depressing.

best of luck. And can I suggest buying her some (vetted) graphic novels to widen her horizons outside anime?

Edited as half my post vanished.

Further to @SummerSunAndFun's post I thought this article was an interesting parallel to what parents are experiencing. https://www.theguardian.com/science/2025/nov/19/how-to-leave-a-cult-experts-intervention

The thing that struck me most in the article is to find and acknowledge the good things in what your daughter is experiencing and build a bridge she can walk back over. I read an article which I wish I'd bookmarked by a woman who had found a great sense of community and joy in her 'queer' friendship group. These groups offer shy autistic children something valuable.

I wonder if educating her about the physical reality of taking cross sex hormones might help? I sometimes wonder if some autistic girls are so overwhelmed by the sensory aspect of periods etc that they see transition as a way to opt out of it, not realising the reality that male hormones will thrust them into early menopause and all the sensory shit that goes along with that. Some conversations around those topics might allow her to see that there are downsides. Also, I don’t know what her specific disabilities are but cross sex hormones can cause bone density issues which could further complicate physical disability. I’m sure you already know all this but just pointing out that she may not. The good thing is she’s 16 so you have some time for this to all blow over.

@Lovelyview thank you so much for this piece. It being a Guardian piece will go down well in some quarters! The bit about finding 50 positive things really gave me pause to think. I sat and wrote down what I thought might be the pros of trans-identification for my son, and got to eight things. None of them seem very compelling to me, but I can see how they are compelling for him. I often wonder what an old skool Freudian psychologist would make of this ideology. It's so easy to focus on why this ideology makes us so cross that it's easy to lose sight of how our kids have been suckered in by what seems positive to them. Thank you.

OP, sending supportive vibes your way. Whether you celebrate much or not, Christmas is one of the hardest times of year in all this. 💐

What did @SummerSunAndFun post say? It's been removed.

This article was thought provoking thank you. I have thought of it being like a cult.

The book "How Minds Change" specifically talks about cults and leaving them, it is very well worth looking at from a deprogramming perspective.

Ask her how she’s intending to pay for all of this

thanks SSSIS, have ordered the How Minds Change book.
The David McRaney podcast is a good one, although I was so disappointed when a fascinating interview a couple of months ago turned out to be with a trans evangelist, right at the end. She'd spent so much time thinking about other people's thinking that she'd failed to analyse her own thinking - such a disappointment. Not sure McRaney was expecting it either in fairness, he did seem to bring the interview to a rapid close.
Some episodes contain direct info about this subject, such as the interview with Megan Phelps-Roper. But most are not, and just provide an interesting way of thinking about our brains and humans in society. A recent episode had lots of extraordinary information about the evolution of women's bodies and midwives and humans in social groups and language - lots of things that gave me opportunity to talk with my daughter about, and just say "wow, aren't our bodies amazing?!?". Since my son fell down the trans rabbit hole, I have been trying to find ways of talking to my daughter about our female bodies with reverence, and this episode was a good one for that: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2Yg49oFz7mrRwrSA6gkbgZ

it's literally my second favourite podcast after "Cautionary tales". I do hope David M is able to do something on trans identification and culture, I understand why people think it is toxic, but it fits SO well into his work on cognitive biases.

I think the idea any of us are rational actors is the widest held, and most obviously untrue belief....

These are all common female interests. Saying otherwise is such nonsense. If you were to create a stereotypical autistic woman, other than the football (noise) those would be her interests. And lots and lots of women support football teams. This is all such reductive nonsense.

I like football and my grandaughter is very much into gaming. But then neither of is is very much gender conforming. Probably like you. And a lot of girls on the autistic spectrum do get drawn into the trans identifying business - identifying as boys or as NB.

We're talkig about 'gender' and gender is heavily coded as either masculine or feminine.

My point is that the males I am aware of that identify as women tend not to be especially interested in things coded 'feminine', and are still engaged with interests which are coded 'masculine...and I suggest that football, techy stuff etc are still largely coded as 'masculine' and are typical male interests.

Go into Next and take a look at the boys T-shirts and then the girs T-shirts. Not only are the boys' clothes slightly cheaper, but the logos and designs tend to be more to do with space; with gaming; with sport etc, whilst the girls T- shirts have love hearts on the front; or sparkles; or 'Be Kind' messaging.

Reddit detrans has some very heartbreaking stories she might listen to.

@stargirl1701 I just had a look. Goodness, you are right. OP almost straight off there is someone saying what happened to her when she was your DD’s age. There are so many people regretting their ‘transition’ and seeing the lies clearly for what they are.

She's very against reading detrans stories and says they are "only one per cent" of trans people. I know that's the official figure but not everyone goes official about detransitioning. I don't know if she would agree to read them.

Do you think she is fantasising a bit about what she thinks being a man is all about? There seems quite a few young women who seem to only have transmen and women friends and never really associate with actual men. How do you think she would deal with a men only set up if she was ever put in that position?

In my experience, spelling out the side effects, telling her about detransitioners, suggesting that there might be some other reason (neurodivergence, trauma, disgust with a changing body, etc, etc) behind a flight towards trans, will all be shut down.

She was not “logicked” into her gender questioning, she can’t be logicked out of it.

The cult extrication people suggest that the grip
of the cult lessens if the cult member sees the higher ups not as wrong but as ridiculous. But they need to feel that they have come to this conclusion on their own, not been told “this is ridiculous” by someone else. You can provide opportunities for them to see this ridiculousness, but I would refrain from pointing it out.

Just for your own research, the 1% detransition rate was from back when there were strict guardrails around any type of medical intervention. At that time the only people who were allowed to go through with hormones and surgery were people had no other mental health issues, no neurodivergence, no history of trauma, etc, etc, and who were told - and who had to be seen to accept - that the hormones and surgery would not actually make them into the other sex, and that they would probably not pass as or be accepted as the opposite sex, would have difficulties forming relationships and would potentially lose current relationships.

Within that 1% of detransitioning people many have confessed they only detransitioned because of society and social pressures, not because they stopped believing they are trans. Meaning they wouldn’t have detransitioned if they felt accepted.

And? I'm not sure what your point is

Syida, have you tried a sort of 'Socratic' questioning to get your kid to break down what she thinks she means by man, woman, feeling like a man or like a woman etc. What is it to be a man, how does that differ from being a woman? How do you know?

So then you can then say 'but auntie X/that person you admire in history/on the TV isn't like that' and get her to recognise the sexism in the tropes herself. It might help her to think clearly about it all. And maybe you can tease out what she thinks there is to be gained that she thinks she can't have otherwise.

What a helpful post for understanding the cult dynamics you have pointed out, and to knowing the facts re the 1%.

There is nothing you can do except support her and attend all her councilling and medical appointments with her so you can be a voice that gently questions where appropriate

@Syida, this thread may also be of use to you:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5355146-gender-clinic-backs-off-after-family-successfully-challenges-direct-contact-with-adult-daughter