Daughter identifying as trans and wants hormones and surgery, what do I do?

[Syida]

My daughter is 16 and autistic. For some years now she's been toying with a non binary identity. I have not affirmed. I've talked to her about sex realism and how autistic people feel different and you can't change sex. I refused to use a different name or pronouns for her and explained why.

Yesterday she told me she's using a male name at college (I actually already knew this but she didn't know that I knew) and intends to go on hormones and have a double mastectomy when she's 18.

I'm distraught. I don't know what to do or if I can in fact do anything. She won't listen to me about sex reality, just says I'm unsupportive of her. I've explained that I'm not, that she wears what she wants and has her hair as she wants but that I won't support her in something that isn't true.

I feel like I've failed her. She's going to do irreversible damage to her body and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I've told her I love her and that all I want is for her not to do anything permanent to herself but college are affirming and she's so closed to hearing anything she doesn't want to hear. I've told her we don't have to agree on things, and that it doesn't mean I don't love her. We are actually very close and she talks to me about most things except this.

I have read the books, I've been openly GC for years, I know all about the theory of this but I don't know what to do to stop my daughter harming herself.

I don't know where to turn.

I don't think there's anything you can do unfortunately she will have to go down this route herself and I guess learn from any mistakes that she makes. As a parent, if she's an adult by the time she has the surgery, all you can do is be there for her.

I really have noticed a lot of tiny sweet looking "men" recently in the younger generation who I assume are all girls pretending to be boys, it's such a damn shame they all so deluded.

Luckily 18 is two years away, and this whole mess is on the way out, so you can cross fingers that by the time she’s allowed to mess up her body, this utter disaster will be gone.

I always said to myself that if this happened I’d take them travelling: get them out of the toxic environment online / in college and see if I could break the spell on them by being in a culture where it’s clearly ridiculous.

I mean a month in the wilderness, no phone, no internet type of travelling where the bare necessities matter a lot.

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk

Have a look here - it’s a support group for parents in precisely your situation x

I'm sorry op. I don't have experience of this but I have teenagers and can imagine the stress of them saying this. I believe Bayswater Support can be helpful with parent forums
https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Your daughter is still a child and the Sixth Form is taking a position by affirming her which is contrary to your beliefs. I suspect you won't get very far with a complaint but you could try to have a discussion and get their position in writing. Your daughter is talking about mutilating herself and they are affirming this.

It is unlikely she will be able to rush out on her 18th birthday and get hormones and have her breasts cut off. Will she have access to a savings account (child trust fund or similar?). It will cost a lot of money and NHS waiting lists are long.

You can't do much at this point. Rebelling against what your parents think is pretty much what every teenager has to do. Try and keep the channels of communication open, do things with her that you both enjoy. Try not to let this dominate your relationship. Good luck.

I’m not sure how she would get the mastectomy, I assume she has to go through the NHS if you aren’t funding it, (and why would you?) and that requires a long long wait for referrals to gender clinics and surgeons, and waiting lists for actual surgery. A lot of GPs won’t prescribe hormones even with gender clinic referrals. So unless she has a large money source of her own, and is buying the hormones off the internet and taking them unsupervised, it will take a long time for her to get anything practical done

That’s my understanding.

Hopefully by then you will have had some other ideas.

Two years is a long time , I would not be calling her by her “new” name but to avoid conflict use any “pet” name . I wouldn’t get into conversation about it either as I think that might make her more determined . Important to keep lines of communication open and treat her as you normally do. I suspect it has more to do with not wanting to grow up

Any doctor who would confirm to any of his blows my mind.

Sorry you’re going through this op. Well done for sticking to your guns though.

Could you get her to understand that this is such a serious decision to take, with so many repercussions, that it is only wise to have counselling to explore all the aspects of her life and what choices she has.

Then find an assured non-gender-ideology -captured counsellor.
Did James Esses make a list of some?
Thanks to a thread with a clip to a GB news brief discussion about the British Psychological Association being ‘captured’, I saw Terry Patterson (female) who I think started Genspect and https://beyondtrans.org/about-us/
and Alistair Stokel ( based in Leeds).

Fo you think your DD might be gay and confusing being attracted to girls with being in ‘the wrong body’?

Who will pay for the hormones and mastectomy if the NHS waiting list is helpfully long?

Going travelling in the wilderness as a pp suggested is probably impractical/imposdible but sounds a better educator than that college.

@Coatsoff42 is right - she will struggle to get hormones unless she has the money to buy them or is supplied by friends.

The last SeenInJournalism podcast is an interview with the patent of a desistor. I am not sure there is a 'right' way to approach it as every child and every parental relationship is different. But what seemed helpful in their family is exactly what you are doing - family all on the same page, refusing to affirm but continuing to be close. It seemed to give the kid the space and opportunity to revert. They also got heavily involved in the school safeguarding (I don't know how much translates to college environment but TransgenderTrend may help).

I have little other to suggest other than express my enormous sympathy. I csn understand that all the advice of taking them out of their social/academic environment may be very hard to achieve. Blocking reddit on your home Internet may help tho!!

One word: Osteoporosis.
My own autistic daughter is so sad and worried about friends of hers, also autistic who are already on this route and using walking sticks. It’s a subject that we were never allowed to discuss a few years ago when they were all at school. My own daughter and I have had many conversations. There’s so much to say on this subject.

I’m wondering whether she has a good variety of role models of lesbian women and masculine women?

I think I’d be trying to ensure that you’re reading books, watching comedy, seeing plays etc which show women in that light.

Basically trying to encourage her to be open to the fact that there are lots of different ways to be a woman.

I think that is a very good idea.

So very stressful OP . There's lots of good advice on here - especially about keeping her close.
One thing that can be helpful is encouraging anything that's outward looking and involved engaging with the others / society. This is a very inward looking obsession where children and teenagers focus their understandable angst about pubertal changes / developing to adulthood on trying to change their bodies, coercing others into specific language use about them etc rather than developing the self awareness of how they can mature into adults in the outside world.
I'd try to avoid lots of earnest discussions about this now, Just reassure her that you will always love her, are always on her side even if you at times disagree over issues. Find as many opportunities to do stuff with her - family things, going out, any activity that keeps her involved with others.
It's also worth doing some discreet checking about to what extent any activist adults in the college may be encouraging her? Young people with autism can be so vulnerable to gaslighting / grooming adults in positions of authority. If this seems to be an issue then that may be something to be addressed with the college - if you discover it's an issue.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. I have been in a similar position (only my autistic DD got to this stage aged 14). I echo pp suggestions to contact the Bayswater Support Group to make contact with other parents in the same boat and lots of signposting to resources.

We didn't affirm our DD either or agree to any name or pronoun change within the family and whilst she still claims a trans identification she no longer wants hormones and surgery (aged 18).

Couple of suggestions:

1. try not to tell your DD everything you know about why this is so harmful for her (it reinforces what she will have been told online, that you are unsupportive - or worse). Instead, ask a lot of questions that will show her the illogicality of the proposition so she can see it for herself.
2. Don't expect her to ever say she was mistaken or that you were right - but watch out for small indications that she may not be holding this ideology so tightly
3. Do go in to battle with the college - this is bang out of order. The still draft guidance for schools (which is referenced in 2025 Keeping Children Safe In Education KCSIE) is very clear that schools don't have the expertise to meddle in this and must always work in conjunction with the parents. Cass also clear on the importance of parental involvement. Get your ducks in a row and request a meeting with the Head and Head of Safeguarding - this is a safeguarding issue
4. When I had the meeting I'm suggesting in point 3 with my DD's head and head of safeguarding, one of the points that seemed to resonate was that I was my DD's parent for life and that they only had responsibility while she was in school. My job was to do everything I can to support her through her whole life and that with respect they would not care about her after the age of 18. This prompted the head to make contact with some previous students with trans identification that the school had supported to socially transition some years earlier. They were not thriving and I think this gave the HT pause for thought that enabling transition was maybe not the kind thing to do
5. Love bomb your DD. Show her that you love her to the moon and back in everything you do but hold the line on this.

Oh, and completely agree with Mrs O above - try and get her out of her room and out into the family and beyond if possible. Engaging with people and activities nothing to do with this and finding ways to enjoy herself and succeed - even if minor things like cooking a meal for the family or making some Christmas treats or decorations to share with others - helps get her out of the rumination and away from the people who will be telling her that this is good for her.

Take away her access to social media, her phone and internet access for a month and limit her access to the social aspect of this and see what happens. I’ve seen too many stories of children changing their minds after these restrictions not as punishment but because they aren’t being exposed to the ideas any longer. I have a child with autism and I know how difficult that can be.

Realistically by the time she gets anywhere near the top of an NHS waiting list she'll be early 20s and will hopefully have grown out of the idea. Would she have some non-directive counselling and could you fund that?

There is plenty you can do.

I would start by figuring out what methods your daughter may suet to achieve these goals (going abroad, ordering using crypto currency, using a go fundme to pay for a mastectomy)

I strongly suggest you take a long deep look at https://www.reddit.com/r/transgenderUK/ with other females looking for advice on the same thing. Get familiar with all of the methods and pathways and figure out how to head each and every one of them off.

Secondly figure out where she is getting affirmation and encouragement - it's a mix of online and real life. Figure out how to intercept and prevent her being amplified via those pathways and see how to introduce new pathways into her life that give her an alternative view

Find detransition groups, find non affirming therapists, find critical debate societies. Figure out how to widen her mind.

Lastly buy this book - use all the methodologies in it to bring her around - https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Minds-Change-Science-Persuasion/dp/0861545680/ref=sr_1_1?crid=E5GG3IOIDCAR&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.E7xvdVoMnl8x0B7vKv0Ce8qHVPXADXLDsSQcM8nkilprI90uf3tinkTp7zG8iq1UvcSrTA7H831eKUPABRx4xhhA5ezd--GIAHjE2mIrC-oQICduuMbFCfHtkCx2cJcR1PHlKFlO5pUC4cytOzDcj5dj9JTpFf5jaGiCwkOcZ1-YinA04OqM2HBmTz3RiLd9daNQ2oNzCwKDbhK04iF_SutPFL5XJTqTG-y5-RqX1Vo.S4NC2gb29HcuqJKpFGu1smHQoViRvc5xOq_CcccKRMM&dib_tag=se&keywords=how+minds+change&qid=1764668210&sprefix=how+minds+change%2Caps%2C132&sr=8-1

He also has a couple of great podcast episodes on this book. It works.

@Syida you have definitely not failed your daughter, this is a difficult situation and you are doing all you can! Is she in a friend group where others are doing the same? My daughter was in a group of 5 who all took on a male name in college (we put in a formal complaint and had a meeting). When she left college the old friend group fell apart and she soon changed her name to a more neutral nickname and now says she is happy to be female. Don’t give up hope, she may well change her mind once she leaves college.

She's actually open to counselling but I haven't been able to find a counsellor I can be sure won't affirm. I contacted James Esses a while back but he wasn't able to help much.

She is gay, yes, I'm very supportive and bi myself. But she says she's a lesbian who reacts to be a man and is lesbian "in a queer way". None of it makes sense!

She is very isolated as she also has health issues and is disabled so all she does is go to college, she only has one friend who she hardly sees.

I hadn't thought about blocking Reddit but that's a good idea, I'll check her tablet when she's out and see what sites she's going on, I have no idea where this all originally came from, when she first mentioned it two years ago it was a real shock.

Some great advice I think - Bayswater, time and volunteering/focusing energy outwards.

You have not failed her. Not at all. You are doing your absolute best to keep her safe when others around her (college etc.) are causing her harm/grooming her into a cult/religion.

I fully understand why an autistic young woman might believe that 'being a boy' is a safer and better plan that accepting the increased vulnerability and difficulties that growing into a woman bring. It is logical and many individuals with autism have strong logic.

Keep connecting as much as possible. Seek support for yourself to deal with how you feel around this (and any siblings) - this is causing you harm as well as her so do reach out for help.

(reposting this as links got blocked)

There is plenty you can do.

I would start by figuring out what methods your daughter may suet to achieve these goals (going abroad, ordering using crypto currency, using a go fundme to pay for a mastectomy)

I strongly suggest you take a long deep look at https://www.reddit.com/r/transgenderUK/ with other females looking for advice on the same thing. Get familiar with all of the methods and pathways and figure out how to head each and every one of them off.

Secondly figure out where she is getting affirmation and encouragement - it's a mix of online and real life. Figure out how to intercept and prevent her being amplified via those pathways and see how to introduce new pathways into her life that give her an alternative view

Find detransition groups, find non affirming therapists, find critical debate societies. Figure out how to widen her mind.

Lastly buy this book - use all the methodologies in it to bring her around - How Minds Change - David McRaney

He also has a couple of great podcast episodes on this book. It works.

Block Reddit, X, and all of the trans positive charities on your home network (I can help). Get her OUT of the echo chamber and into the REAL WORLKD.

Therapists - Find THOUGHTFUL THERAPISTS https://www.thoughtfultherapists.org

I’ve always said I’d lock them in the loft until they came to their senses.

Re direct her attention to another cause. What else is she interested in?

Get her to see a psychiatrist, and get some support for yourself. Our Duty, Erin Friday, runs a support group for parents.