I’m Trans, Here’s My Story

[SnugPeach]

Hi I’m Trans, I know I’m essentially coming into what some would consider the wolf’s den by coming here to make a post. But I’m also a strong believer in trying to help people to understand and am happy to explain my story and experiences if it helps to enhance others understanding.

I kind want this thread to be AMA but also to give a bit of backstory. Now I know some of you are going to hear the next few thing. I say an immediately just tell I’m confused or misled, but yes I have Autism. I was diagnosed at a young age, but Autism is just one part of me. Had being Autistic affected my gender? Maybe who knows, I am me, Autism is not something separate thing that it’s me.

Anyway I’ll try not to waffle as I do tend too. I’m currently 28, have been DIYing for 1 and half years. Have everything updated and changed, Name, Passport etc. I also extensively researched everything I could on HRT over the years as the NHS system takes year and years to be seen.

During Childhood really I was I guess you could say less aware of ‘gender’ than my peers as I was for most things. I was heavily bullied at school by the boys for being ‘weird’, they’d call me ‘gay’ not that I understood what that meant but I doubt they did either, it was the early 2000s afterall. Where as on the other hand I was quite friendly with the girls, they didn’t bully me and treated me often with compassion and I’d enjoy spending time with them. Unfortunately even they would get bullied from time to time for associating with me. The boys often disdained at my lack of interest in football or other ‘boy’ things. Instead I loved working out technology how things worked, along with people. Despite being Autistic I have always been fairly sociable even if it’s been riddled with difficulties and learn curves and I still struggle with that today, but I love connecting with people and sharing feelings.

Skip forward to Secondary School and here is where a few things happen. I’m still very behind my peers in my understanding of allot of things. My feelings on my gender are neutral are based purely on fact of I am what I am because how can I not be. It did learn about Transgender people but it didn’t still click for me. I remained still extremely cautious of the boys but was more of a loner. I wanted more girl friends but the social dynamic had changed. I viewed most of the boys as idiots and bafoons. They would do the dumbest stuff like all this stupid competitive crap and honestly a majority of time I found myself sharing my female peers feelings towards them. It was around this time I found myself more aligned with Femininity and started to self describe as a feminine-guy. But still I would be considerate and respectful towards the girls who knew saw me as a boy even if not the same. Afterall who could blame them when I myself felt the same way. My Mum taught be about the day to day struggles women deal with and I very much took that to heart. Honestly the way some of the boys acted towards girls in my class outright appalled me. I became invested in Feminism and equal rights which also spanned I to my experience with Autism and my own femininity (which had been policed just in the opposite direction, aka made fun of/discouraged). In the later years of Sixth Form I became friendly finally with people again after some therapy which also arose from me being on my own (was supported by a ta for most of my schooling, we had an autism centre in the school I went too) I grew very close to the girls in the group we would natter and gossip about all sorts. I kinda felt honoured that they considered me trustworthy enough to include in conversations they didn’t include the two other guys in. Also around this time people started asking me if I was Gay I was mostly confused, because I wasn’t Gay, Asexual yes technically (but did not have word for that yet), But not gay. I liked Women but romantically only.

Fast forward it’s university and I became a sort of shut in again. I commented to Uni and after my first year I hated the course. But my Mum refused to let me take a break or quit as by the time I’d had enough I was ‘halfway’ so her logic was to push through. Not that my degree has done anything for me. Anyway this is where feelings first started. Now in my early 20s I was finally catching up to my peers not that I’ve ever full caught up. I was fully realised as a feminine guy, however that never felt right. I also still felt outcast for this. That’s when I finally started to explore gender. Upon turning 18 I hate being called a Man and tried desperately to get people to call me a Guy as it felt less Man more neutral. So I after university came out as non-binary, I started to pass my nails get my hair dyed, But it still didn’t feel right. My Mum supported me until I bought a Jumper from the women's section. I cared deeply about my mum and her backlash was enough to push me back in the closet back to bring a feminine guy, but now my mum instead of being sensitive around my gender, it felt like she empathised my manners, which honestly disgusted me. I near had a referral for the gender clinic back here but due to this I basically let it go. One of things that made me so happy was just how unmanly I was including the fact I didn’t start growing any sort of facial hair until I was in my mid 20s and I grew and kept my hair long and it made me so so happy. Anyway back I went for a few years.

Then after finding out about Femboys it all came back, maybe this is what I am. But I quickly came to the conclusion again this was not right. I realised deep down I wished I where born a girl. I had thought that my childhood would have been easier if I was, the my behaviours would have been more acceptable. Which bought me great internal conflict. Afterall I’m a feminist. I adore the women in my life and my immediate reaction was one of disgust and hate for myself. How could I feel this way when I knew full well I struggle women have to deal with, the stereotypes my femininity fell into, the fact I could be a man and be all these things. I had a privilege one that I understood yet never felt, because I completely hated everything about being a man. So many parts of myself were restrained or restricted and I felt completely uncomfortable with myself. It turned out I was asexual for example because I couldn’t see myself as a man in situation like that ever. Still I spent the next 2 years fighting over all this with myself internally. I’d let my mum know and our relationship soured even more so because it. Over the course of the 2 years I fought with myself daily over my feelings, one side of me telling me what I was feeling was an offence to the women (cis and trans) I cared about. The other side in full acceptance that I did feel this way. I’d give away anything ANYTHING to have been born in a body that matched my mind. Again I don’t want to be a Male, full stop. I always have felt more female than male and why that’s something that’s not easily explained it’s just how I genuinely feel. All the acknowledgment and beliefs about you don’t have to be a girl to be feminine don’t seem to matter the logic doesn’t apply to that feeling.

Eventually with the support of some friends I finally go back to get a referral. Meanwhile completely separate thing but my Mums health was getting worse. She had Breast Cancer on and off since I was young also. I 2023 she was finally made terminal after over 23 years since her first diagnose (probably 5ish years of remission between first first and follow ups). Her being made terminal was a big wake up call for me for many things include this situation. For a while the debate stopped in my head because it was filled with worry about her but once that eased off (she lived about a year longer than they predicted) it all came back and hit me really hard. I was training 27 at the end of year. I was miserable my body disgusted me and I didn’t want to waste anymore time wondering if HRT would help and if it would allow me to finally put to bed some of my feelings. So I started to DIY just before my 27th birthday. I felt a tonne better within the two weeks and despite the fact it’s not like a magic bullet pill that took away all my dysphoria and stuff it’s helped to insane degree. My Mum obviously did not support me which was hard and broke my heart deeply since she was the women I have always looked up the most in my life. That all it’s own story really.

Right now I’m sort of back I a bad way. Sure due to my Autism amongst other things I still have allot of mental health issues. I’ve never worked, have allot of anxiety, issues with depression but again I had these before transition and arguably they where better and being more manageable after until the Court Ruling early this year. Since that ruling I have been referred and put back into Therapy again because of the effect it’s had on me amongst other stuff going on. I’m honestly terrified of what it all means. All I want is to live my life in peace as myself. I know you’re all going to have different views on what that should look like but all I ask is to have some empathy. I’m literally scared, I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life. Instead it feels like the whole world is crumbling around me and people view me as undesirable, undeserving and less of a person. Tell me who would sign on to feel like this?

it’s just so hard for me. I’m not even sure if what I’ve said is any good but I’ve just tried to describe best I can my experience and how I feel. I wish you all a pleasant day and please feel free to ask anything. Also apologises for any bad grammar/spelling mistakes, Dyslexic too.

His mental health was probably worsened by his porn use.

I know trans people who say they are the biological sex of which they wish to be. It’s always men who wish to be women (I know a transman and they do not do this).

They wish to be recognised and have the same rights as biological women.

why should they? Why should they push my daughter out of her sport? Why can’t they compete with people who have the same bodily construction that they do?

why should they push me out of a female space and become the spokesman for a feminist group?

why should they be put on the same level as me when I’m baring my soul at a rape survivor support group where having a clearly male bodied person in the space makes me feel so unsafe I want to be sick?

Many people may not accept an experience that they don’t understand but they cannot pretend that trans doesn’t exist. Trans identities are real. As real as wife identity, boss identity, superstar identity, as real as son of God identity. Being real and being accepted or affirmed are two different things. People believe in all sorts of imaginary things as real, such as a God they’ll never see or meet, yet what’s in front of their face they’ll deny, like trans identity, or that vaccines help people not get sick—a person’s decision to affirm or deny your trans experience is not connected to it being real or valid.

Major logic fail. God is imaginary, but God-Identity is real.

So what you're saying is that people really believe things, even if those things aren't real.

You can believe you're God, but not actually be God.

Cancel my first line, I take it all back, it's just like trans.

It doesn’t make them the opposite sex or give them any right to the language and spaces of the opposite sex either.

I don’t believe a person can change biological sex, I never said they could. And the trans people I know also don’t think they can.

I will and do recognise them as a women or man in the way they want

do you not see the massive flaw / contradiction in your own statement?
there is only one criteria / qualification to being a man or woman and that is to be born a a man or woman.

Man means born male
Woman means born female

nothing more or less than that - absolute clarity and the vast majority of 3 year olds understand it, so hopefully most adults should as well!

so how do you recognise them as a woman if they were born a man and therefore can never be a woman because they are missing the one vital requirement - to be born female...

• what do you mean by recognising them as a woman?
• what makes them a woman?
• what defines being a woman that allows a man to change to become a woman?
• how do you separate biological sex such that you believe that their biological sex is immutable, yet somehow a man can become a woman despite the one requirement to being a woman is being born of the biological sex woman?

This is one huge fallacy - if born a man, they can never be a woman, it is a very simple, easy statement with zero exceptions... so the minute there is any reference by you or them or anyone else to their being a woman - there is falsehood, deceit and deception at play, because it is 100% not possible.

Sure.

Except when the law says they can be excluded.

What of it? Just because someone has a legal fiction does not make them female.

Think about it logically. How can any woman be excluded from female sports, prisons or refuges on the basis that they are female? They cannot. Yet, a male who says they are female can be excluded from those provision.

Therefore just because a law was created to allow them to fictionally designate themselves female for some things and not others, just makes that law unworkable and supports a lie.

Because experiencing the grim end of masculine-stereotypical behaviour and not enjoying it doesn't make someone a woman.

Women are female, not men who aren't comfortable with the expectations placed on men by society, nor are women men who've experienced bullying for being more feminine.

you can't be any more or less than 0 trans...
it is not possible to transition, so it is not possible to be trans - so everyone is 0 trans.

The concept of 'passing' is a dress-up game, can I as a man pretend to be a woman - it has zero to do with being a woman.

You are using the word 'woman' in two different ways. One to mean biological sex and the other to mean a feeling in someone's head.

The problem is that the two are not compatible.

Noone here is saying that they don't accept trans people. We are saying that your second definition doesn't trump the first and that muddling the two does nothing to support trans people, particularly autistic trans people.

I like the box analogy. Personally, I don't think we will ever get rid of all the boxes, though they may not always look exactly the same. My preference is to give myself, and others, permission to climb out of a box and wander freely.

Though undiagnosed, I have similar characteristics to the diagnosed autistic people in my family and friendship circles, so I understand the feelings of never fitting in where most men fit in. I also understand the sometimes somewhat obsessive focus on a particular interest, and that can be "gender boxes". Special interests are not always lifelong, and it is wise to be aware of the tendency to be obsessive, and to try to broaden interests and do things outside of the current obsession. This is often necessary in order to cope in the world of work, or to keep a romantic relationship alive. Most people around us will soon tire of an obsession they don't share, and it is unhealthy to limit our interactions to those who do share our obsession. For example, if we find our special interest changing, it's unhelpful if that means we are tending to leave all our friends behind, and have to develop a whole new friendship group.

The posts using 'cis' are a good reminder that the term 'cis' is meaningless because the term includes any male person who has a DSD yet has a body that is **formed around the production of small gametes that has any degree of sensitivity to any of the testosterone that body produces.

Using this word then means there is no word left for female people.

Because even male people are now saying they are also ‘female’ . When ^^ female means only a person of the sex category where that person's body has been formed around the production of large gametes, regardless of whether the body does, has or ever will produce those large gametes. ie that requires the presence of ovaries or ovarian tissue - never testes.

In fact, we now have examples of many male people declaring that they are female people. So even the word for female has become meaningless in that sense.

But 'cis' is a* *word that was repurposed from its original usage and is meaningless for the purpose of discussing female people in its current usage. It has been used in academic papers as well in an attempt at using inclusive language which then renders the papers meaningless because the term is not describing a unique grouping of human bodies, even when it claims to be doing just that.

To see how this works, we have been told that 'girl' and 'woman' both now include:

1 Male person who has been incorrectly registered as a female at birth, but has a male body **.
2 Any male person has now claimed a transgender identity using those labels.
3 And any person who has a female body ^^.
Under the label of 'girl' and 'woman', extreme transgender activists have been telling us for years that those labels break down into two types of girls or women:

Cis and Transwomen/transgirls.

These terms mean:

Cis
= (1) Male person who has been incorrectly registered as a female at birth, but has a male body **
and
= (3) Any person who has a female body^^

Trans
= (2) Any male person has now claimed a transgender identity using those labels.

Therefore there is no unique word to mean female people who have a body ^^ formed around the production of large gametes.

Cis is meaningless as a unique description for female people and it always was. It is also misogynistic because it leaves female people with no unique word for their needs.

Adding to my last post:

One significant issue with ‘cis’ is that its very usage forcibly categorises someone into having a philosophical belief that they may or may not have. It is very problematic for those who do not have a ‘gender identity’.

In fact, to extrapolate it out : if ‘cis’ excludes those who do not ‘identify as having a gender aligned with the sex they were born’ then the trans gender community would be fucking huge.

Because it would include everyone who doesn’t believe in gender identities at all. Not through deliberately self-categorisation as ‘agender’ but simply through rejection of anything to do with that philosophical belief that is the foundation for gender identity and the theories that shape those identities.

Because, the only commonality with all those claiming a transgender identity is philosophical belief. Not a medical 'problem' according to transgender people and academics and medical professionals who are transgender and shaping public awareness. No scientific and robustly established material facts.

So only philosophical belief.

And I would be pleased to know just what other philosophical belief should be given the power to shape a whole populations language to the extent that we are seeing these language changes being demanded?

If someone who was religious called me a non-believer, I cannot dispute that. Because it reflects my reality. I don’t believe in their religion so in their religion centred language that is what I am. It could be considered neutral in that respect. It doesn’t change my belief.

As an example, labelling me ‘cis’ is not neutral. It falsely categorises my beliefs and is not a neutral act at all. Calling me ‘cis’ coercively forces me to believe in gender identity and the theories that are foundational to them.

That is not forgetting that in recent years it has also become clear that the term ‘cis woman’ has been used to incorporate male people with differences of sex development. Those who have masculinised using the testosterone their bodies produces from testes.

I believe that happened because of that other problematic phrase ‘assigned female at birth’ . It is problematic because it too was unsuccessfully repurposed in another false attempt to support a philosophical belief as being something more than just belief.

The term cis woman was said to mean ‘a person assigned female at birth who identified as the gender they were born’ or ‘identified as a woman’. It is quite interesting really as you see the not subtle political manoeuvring in these artificial word changes.

Either way, it was a scientific term that has been wrongly repurposed. It was never meant to describe human belief systems and it fails dismally in that role.

This is so lovely.

How can you recognise a man as a woman when you know they are not one?

How is that ultimately beneficial for anyone? From the person who is trying to be seen as something they are not, to the women whose definition of themselves has to be compromised?

Basically you're saying that you know they are pretending and you will go along with their presence.

Is there any other circumstances that you would do that with an adult, which you wouldn't think was completely patronising?

I'm sorry for your struggles and empathise with your difficulties in attempting to feel at one with yourself. I do see much that is connected with autism in your story. You are also part of a generation brought up with the idea that you can be "born in the wrong body" and you have seized upon this as an explanation for your inability to fit into gendered norms and expectations.

But the truth is you are not a woman. You are a male person with what might be considered a 'feminine' sensibility, plus the awkwardness with traditional masculine norms that goes with being autistic.

The Supreme Court ruling is being catastrophised by the trans community and this will be contributing to your current mental health state.......but the court ruling is merely providing clarity on what has always been the case. Sex is a biological category, not a gender category. This should only be an issue if you have convinced yourself that you are female and it will therefore feel like your reality is being denied or destroyed. But the truth can sometimes be harsh and painful, and it is best in the long run to come to terms with it, and re-shape your sense of self and the way you identify it accordingly.You are still you inside. But you are not something you are not.

Being a woman is to be an adult human female. It says nothing definitive about personality, preference or expression. You can be the male person you are and express that in ways which come naturally to you, or with which you feel comfortable. I wish you well on your journey towards self acceptance and personal integrity.

Keating

It seems that this is a poster who is mouthing words and offering platitudes because that makes them feel good about themselves so that they can then denigrate people they have read or who they categorise as a homogenous group to be the 'bad' people.

All while hypocritically not realising that their prejudiced view shows just how intolerant and ill-informed they are.

Sea horses are not horses. That does not mean that sea horses don't exist.

If your dog is hot and you eat hot dogs, does that mean you will eat your dog? Both have the same label legally using the term 'dog'?

Yes.

I think people with autistic tendencies sometimes look for one box to fit in. In reality, if we find boxes (that seem to fit quite well) comforting, are we not better off finding several boxes that fit comfortably? So I have a box that is the sorts of music I like, one that is the sorts of landscapes I like to spend time in, one that is the books I enjoy, and so on. In practice, I flit about between the boxes. I know absolutely no-one who fits exactly the same set of customised boxes - family and friends are slightly baffled at some of my interests. But I have friends and acquaintances associated with each box.

Then there are also boxes that society forces me to occupy. My work life was one of these, and it often didn't fit comfortably at all, but I either had to put up with that and struggle on, or try to find a job which fitted better. This wasn't easy, but it's part of the human condition. Covid lockdown meant a lot of restrictions, a difficult box for many of us. There's another one, which I now inhabit as the result of an accident which has left me slightly disabled compared with before the accident. Some things, I physically cannot do any more, and I have to put up with some pain. The aging process also constrains what I can do, and society provides some things to ease that (pensions, bus passes) but also tends to lean one way or another (respect for the wisdom of long life experience, disrespect for old fools who are out of touch).

@SnugPeach I'm really concerned for you because Mumsnet is almost certainly not the right platform for you right now, your mental health being what it is. It tends to be very much lacking in empathy and kindness for trans people (and in general).
I haven’t read a single comment, but I don’t have to. I find it quite disturbing that people can be unkind and be ok with that. A single mean remark could be enough to push someone over the edge. Please don’t let it be you. It’s not your job to educate ignorant people.

I actually don’t think anyone has been unkind.

For myself I have every sympathy with @SnugPeach - as an autistic person who doesn’t fit gender norms I know how uncomfortable that feels.

but mutilating a healthy body either surgically or with with chemicals it is not designed for is not the answer to feeling so uncomfortable in one’s own skin.

A human cannot, at this point in time, change their biological sex.

Another who has just shown how prejudiced they are while feeling a warm glow of righteous kindness.

How arrogant also to assume that your personal definition of kindness is the one that everyone else should adopt.

But it is not our job to educate ignorant people, so I will leave you to it.