My therapist seems politically opposed to my feminist views

[idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams]

I didn't know where else to post this and could do with a sense check/ideas as to how to deal with this.

I've been seeing a therapist for about a year for a range of issues, including substance misuse and recovering from abuse during my childhood and teens (sexual, violence). We've spoken about some really difficult and personal things that I have never discussed before and I have felt that the therapy has been useful. I thought I trusted him and trust is not an easy thing for me.

I'm a GC feminist. I'm also a lawyer and so I tend to have a legal lens on some of the debates around issues of trans rights and the rights of women and girls. I have talked in therapy about how I have found the tone of the debate around trans rights increasingly upsetting and hostile (on one side) and I had been upset over the discussion re the Supreme Court and the Equality Act. I've talked about both this and how hard it can be to feel like there's no space for women to express certain views without being dismissed or labelled.

My error (I totally accept I shouldn't have looked, but he should have locked down his settings) - I looked and saw a pic on SM of him at a protest. I don't want to out myself or him but he was holding a banner basically slagging off the Supreme Court.

And now I feel . . . the trust has gone. Has he been quietly judging me while I shared some frankly painful stuff? Does he respect my perspective? As I don't know if I can work with someone who doesn't. It's not a difference in political views, I feel like my views on these issues are fundamentally part of who I am as a person.

I know I crossed a boundary and shouldn't have looked, but would appreciate any thoughts as to whether I am being overly sensitive and/or whether it's something I should bring up.

Or maybe I am just wrong to care? Thoughts welcome!

He ought to be up to that, though, OP. I think it is likely that he hasn't mentioned it because the space is for your thoughts and feelings, not his, and because he isn't aware that you're aware of his views. I am willing to bet he's wondered about what you would think or feel if you did. And now you do, and it's relevant to how you feel about the work you're doing together and your relationship, and you are entitled to raise it with him and he should be trained sufficiently to be able to navigate that with you.

That’s a tough issue @idontknowhowtodreamyourdreamsI can only say that, if it were me, I would have to find a new therapist. I cannot imagine trusting a man who doesn’t support women on these issues to the extent of having them as my therapist (caveat here, I’ve had therapy and specifically requested a woman because I’m a victim of DV so this may actively colour my judgement on this issue).

Good luck whatever way you decide

Sorry @Lavender14 - yes, I got my lavenders mixed up!

@CarterBeatsTheDevil that's an interesting perspective and yes, maybe he has wondered this. Maybe I need to give thought to finding the courage to just let it all out. Part of me would utterly fucking want to do this.

another therapist here, trained a long time ago, thankfully before the gender woo took hold. Am a bit of a dinosaur re sharing my views or anything private as we were taught to be a neutral and safe space, clients shouldn't really know your views on anything vaguely political and shouldn't really know much about you at all (I've a couple of lines on Linkedin!) so this whole directive social activism piece that has infiltrated training courses is anathema to me.
I really think you don't have to justify your feelings of disappointment, you trusted this person and now you've found out that he's proud to support this awful misogynistic and homophobic movement. I would love for you to be honest with him and let him get some good old feedback on what it's like for you. But it's not your job to educate him so feel no pressure. Get a new therapist and if it were me I'd be looking for someone who trained before this craziness took hold.

@lechiffre55 thank you for sharing this. I understand re Trump, no judgment from me on that.

I hear you.

If you do have it out with your therapist he will have no choice but to drop you as a client. He will know he's now a cause of issues in your life and that puts him in an unethical place. He's proven to behave ethically. If you want to have it out with him that's your choice, but understand you will be leaving him with no choice.

He's clearly a good therapist in many ways to have been able to hold you this far without you realising his drastically opposing views.

Apparently I was the first person to broach the problems with trans with both my partner and separately with my therapist. There was a period of intense and difficult discussion with both and in retrospect I know it would have been a deal breaker for me with both relationships. Thankfully both "educated themselves" (as I had).

Experiencing male sexual violence has had a huge impact on my life and obviously my therapist and my partner know all about what happened. It is just too personal for me. I have friends who believe in gender identity but I couldn't have a sexual or therapeutic relationship with someone who thinks it possible to identify into opression.

There are other topics - eg Gaza, assisted dying, drugs, tax - where I might feel quite strongly but wouldn't need to end the relationship over differences in opinion. But sex / gender inequality, sexual violence, feminism, etc too close to home.

I was just using Trump as an example, hopefully a funny one. I have no idea how you feel about him, I was just using him to make a point.

@lily444 I honestly think he's incompetent with technology and never intended to reveal this (and other things) via social media. In terms of our relationship in the space, he doesn't over share and I don't ask personal questions. It is professional in that sense.

If I decide to let loose and give him the feedback then I think I need to be clear with myself that I am doing it for me, not him. But equally, he must have or will have other women as clients, so I would hope he might learn something from it.

I have noticed he was v keen to move things on when I was talking about how upset I was re the reaction to the SC decision, but I also think he had his reasons for that as I mentioned it in the context of something else and that was the focus really. So I don't think he was deliberately dismissive in session on that occasion, he just wanted to keep the focus on something else and that was legitimate.

@lechiffre55 and it was a good point!

Trouble is that everything will be different. You can't pretend this hasn't happened. You either take it into therapy with him or you leave.

Btw I wanted to recommend the TV series In Treatment, with Gabriel Byrne. It's pretty old now, but they also did a reboot a few years ago with a female lead.

Anyway it's a fascinating insight into the therapeutic process. Each series features four different clients and we see them progress (or not) and his relationship with his supervisor. I found it very useful when I was having therapy.

@lechiffre55 oh crikey, really? I didn't think raising it would automatically prompt him to end the therapy. Therapists must have to deal with ruptures/disagreements with clients, without ending it, surely?

@OuterSpaceCadet yep, your last paragraph sums up how I feel too.

Oh for heaven's sake, no, this isn't the case. If he's any good he'll want to talk to you about it, OP.

My advice whether you decide to end therapy or not would definitely be to discuss and explain how you feel and why. As ending is a really important part of the therapeutic process.

Firstly it's very normal to google therapists and others so I get that, I don't think you've done anything "wrong" but equally discuss this too and explain you feel a bit guilty about it as you appreciate they have boundaries and a private life as we all do.

A decent therapist should be able to help you explore and understand these feelings without taking any anger personally. They might even be (secretly) pleased you are able to get angry with them!

I definitely wouldn't not not mention it to him as this is still going to influence the therapy in that "elephant in the room" type way and the progress you are making. Something comes up in the relationship, I would hope they would be able to notice that and may ask you why.

Please let us know how it goes and what you decide.

Gotcha

@BeLemonNow I've decided that I want to bring it up with him. Then either I will know that we can work through it, or I will know that I can't and I will spare myself the pain of sharing intimate details of my past with someone whose view of reality and attitude to women and girls means he is not capable of the work.

It's a case of when and how I raise it now.

@idontknowhowtodreamyourdreamsI know this is nothing to do with your post but can I ask if your username is from a song? It’s been on my mind since I noticed and can’t remember what song it is!! And good luck for if you decide to raise things with your therapist. I would always want my clients to raise anything like that (although my personal social media is very much private… and also very much dull and uninteresting)

@imnotaskingforlunchmeat thanks. And yes, the username's from a song 🤣. It's from Waiting for a Star to Fall by Boy Meets Girl.

You can choose whether to continue on with him or not but a reminder it was you who went snooping, blaming him for not making his profile private is risible. Has he ever been unprofessional? Ultimately it doesn't matter you can choose to drop him but if he's a good therapist and helping you then I wouldn't cut your nose off to spite your face. Entirely up to you

It's interesting that people have such different perspectives.

I would argue that it is risible to have a public social media profile and then complain that random people can see your social media profile. I can't think of a reason to have a public profile, unless you want random people to see it.

I would strongly disagree. In short, any variety of psychodynamic therapy (which as long term likely is) generally cautions against the therapist bringing in personal matters.

I've never come across a therapist who had personal social media easily accessible, professional accounts sure. That said, therapists are human too and make mistakes. It's quite likely they are unaware of their settings.

Also, therapy is unusual in that they know everything about you and you know hardly anything about them. It's natural to be a bit curious. All these sorts of feelings are part of the process in my view 🤷‍♀️

I've also never come across a therapist who hasn't got their personal social media locked down. Teachers are similar, in my experience and with good reason. I have no professional reason for it, but there is no way I would want anyone and everyone to see the contents of my FB or Instagram. It contains personal stuff and pictures of my kids; only people I know well in real life get to see it.

Why did you look OP?

I agree he probably should have had it locked down but tbh often therapists have clients who are gender questioning and they may have felt more comfortable seeing that. As you've said, you dont need a GC therapist.

I think the idea that you can't be trans supporting and also supporting of women and girls is wrong.

I also 100% agree that this political issue is a way of running from a male therapist who you have been vulnerable with.