Daughter (ftm) has just come out as trans

[TheMask]

Hi all,

I know there are quite a few threads with some parents going through the same thing as me, but I really need some guidance and advice.
Bit of background before we begin : DD is 17 (18 in a couple of months) She has a diagnosis of ASD, severe anxiety disorder is waiting for a referral for an ADHD assessment.
She has been in a relationship with her boyfriend since she was 14. Seemed extremely happy together, he’s been on holidays with us, is basically part of our family at this point. They even booked their first solo trip away together 2 months ago for this coming December. Had countless future plans together. DD has been attending college (signed off last week) she has had her struggles but absolutely smashed it and was planning to get a job (within the childcare setting) once she turned 18.
Then comes the bombshell last week. She has a best friend who is also trans (previously ftm and has recently now said they are asexual?) and another friend who is ftm trans. Other than that, no other social circles.
She asked me to affirm her gender identity and choose a name for her. I chose something gender neutral and her Dad and I said we would refer to her has “he.” But I cannot get my head around this. Something is not right. How do I go about this in a way where I don’t let me emotions get the better of me? I’ve had a look at the Bayswater and transgender trend websites, I just feel so confused and lost right now.

Did I “fall over myself” to use he/him or just express an alternative point of view? Do you always accuse people with a different way of thinking of following a cult?
The OP came here looking for advice. She can choose to listen to what I’ve said or not, it doesn’t matter to me. I offered my view in good faith though so the rudeness seems unnecessary.

Just accept what is said for now OP. I've taught lots of 'trans' children. Most 'grow out of it'. Those that don't are more likely to have severe underlying issues. The best tactic is to make as little fuss as possible. Go along with everything - except any support for medical interventions. Students would listen to me when I explained the dangers of hormone blockers etc as I was so understanding otherwise. Also once it's established that you support their exploration of this - have a discussion about the fact that they may go through different phases and feel differently about their gender as they grow and they don't need to feel pressurised to present in any particular way. Good luck OP.

This is exactly what someone in a cult would say to a family member of a young person who is on the verge of joining their cult.

So different to the advice if your child develops an ED. The advice we received was the parent firmly and kindly takes over responsibility for the teens food to prevent the harmful behaviour. We did this and it worked beautifully. Yet for this parents expected to play along with their child’s way of thinking. Blows my mind.

@TheaBrandt1 the two things are not comparable.An eating disorder is an illness that needs to be treated - being trans is not.

It’s lovely to hear that there are people like you out there supporting without affirming. That is what the Cass report recommends, and indeed your experience that most “grow out of it” is supported by all research carried out before the advent of the Dutch Protocol and the affirmation-only approach.

But I’m sure you must also be aware that most schools, the majority of CAMHS staff, most HCPs, and many others do not follow this approach. Instead staff interacting with children are told that they must affirm, and they must keep this from parents, and if parents do not agree to this approach, they must treat the parents as a danger to their own children.

In the face of that, I hope you can see why the OP is, understandably, not so blasé in her approach.

Anorexics and bulimics think they're fat when they're not.
Trans people think they're the opposite sex when they're not.

I'm failing to see how they're not exactly the same thing.

Exactly @ZeldaFighter

There are interesting studies that show that anorexics and people with gender dysphoria both show issues with connections (can’t remember if it’s more or fewer than the general population) in the same brain areas, namely those associated with body image.

yes and there’s a strong link between being anorexic and being autistic

Don't both the brain connections thing and the link to autism suggest, if true, that being trans is a mental illness?

Which I thought was why gender dysphoria was the reasoning behind transitioning.

OP hasn’t got a son, she’s got a daughter.

Since reddit is being recommended try r/detrans too.

Don’t be disingenuous please. The cult accusation a pp made wasn’t because of a “different way of thinking” it was because of the behaviour patterns on show. OP was quite clear that she regards her daughter as a girl. It’s really poor to use her post to promote your ideology.

What is “trans healthcare” then and why is gender dysphoria in the DSM for mental health disorders?

She doesn't have a son.

What nonsense. My experience is that the people who try to separate children from parents are the trans activists and self declared allies, some of whom are so self righteous that they can't accept that anyone could come to a different understanding of sex and gender.

I advise thinking carefully about whose philosophy is based on gender stereotypes. Fitting some masculine stereotypes or having difficulties with some feminine stereotypes does not mean that a girl or woman is a boy or man. And there is no logical reason to try to change your body either hormonally or surgically to try to look like the other sex.

What's wrong with this approach? The poster is being kind and saying that they are going to support them whatever they decide, they are not making it a big deal or saying it's something to be ashamed of . It seems sound advice to me . At 17 they get their validation from their peers not their parents . This isn't a 7 year old who depends on the validation of their parents, this is an almost adult.

Why would an almost adult child (with almost full autonomy who can move out anyway) need an escape plan from a non abusive and loving family like the OPs? The OP hasn't mentioned they are a religious fundamentalist neo nazi family or that they don't love and accept their child.

This reminds me of the satanic panic and false memory therapy movement in the 1980s and 90s, where children were encouraged to see their parents as abusive and toxic . It's a terrible thing to do to destroy a family because of something as transient and usually short lasting as a bit of gender dysphoria.

Thank you all again for your responses (even the people I might not necessarily agree with) it is much appreciated and you have made me feel extremely welcome here.
DD has announced to me today that she is going to slowly socially detransition. The main reasons behind this are her mental health and not wanting to lose her boyfriend. It seems that me, along with DH, her boyfriend and her support worker from CAMHS have helped her talk and think through things which have led her to realise that it is most likely too much pressure for her right now to make this life changing decision. I think that is an important point to make. These are ADULT decisions currently been made by vulnerable CHILDREN. Heck, my 18 year old self didn’t have a clue, despite the fact I could legally do anything I pleased without question at that age. Factor ND into that and it really does make it ridiculous to seemingly just allow this to happen with no questions asked.
To anyone else going through this - stay strong. Read, read and read. As much as you can. Make sure you stick to the facts (that can be backed up) and always love your child no matter what. No one can tell you how to help or support your own child better than you, you know them better than anyone else.

So pleased to read this OP. Our children are being very poorly guided with all this.
You are so right:
"..always love your child no matter what. No one can tell you how to help or support your own child better than you, you know them better than anyone else".

Transactivism (as shown on your thread) is full of people deliberately trying alienate the young from the families who really love and care for them. They mustn't succeed.

I just wanted to say that I’m really glad you can see this OP. You’re probably feeling absolutely floored and terrified.
I’m in the same situation with my daughter- thankfully even though we don’t affirm at home (she uses a truly terrible male name with her friends) she still seems to love me and wants to hang out with me.

I think the best advice that I got was that sometimes when our kids tell us something that contains a lot of energy / emotion we don’t have to respond by meeting it with that same level of emotion. You can do nothing for now or give a low emotion response while you process it. Keep your relationship strong and show her love and consistency in your role as a parent. Try and show her that you consider nuance when discussing other issues and how you make them. Such as getting unbiased, reliable evidence from a variety of sources and questioning everything you are told.

I would really recommend when kids say they’re trans and also the Bayswater group,

Some really good advice.

@TheMask, so pleased to hear this. I hope things carry on in this direction 💐

First of all, congratulations on having built an environment for your son where he’s comfortable enough not just to tell you but to also ask you to pick a name - that’s a hugely significant thing that’s happened and you should be proud.

Second of all, a super good early resource is something like the Trevor Project https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/the-coming-out-handbook/ that has a ton of links for family support of trans kids.