Daughter (ftm) has just come out as trans

[TheMask]

Hi all,

I know there are quite a few threads with some parents going through the same thing as me, but I really need some guidance and advice.
Bit of background before we begin : DD is 17 (18 in a couple of months) She has a diagnosis of ASD, severe anxiety disorder is waiting for a referral for an ADHD assessment.
She has been in a relationship with her boyfriend since she was 14. Seemed extremely happy together, he’s been on holidays with us, is basically part of our family at this point. They even booked their first solo trip away together 2 months ago for this coming December. Had countless future plans together. DD has been attending college (signed off last week) she has had her struggles but absolutely smashed it and was planning to get a job (within the childcare setting) once she turned 18.
Then comes the bombshell last week. She has a best friend who is also trans (previously ftm and has recently now said they are asexual?) and another friend who is ftm trans. Other than that, no other social circles.
She asked me to affirm her gender identity and choose a name for her. I chose something gender neutral and her Dad and I said we would refer to her has “he.” But I cannot get my head around this. Something is not right. How do I go about this in a way where I don’t let me emotions get the better of me? I’ve had a look at the Bayswater and transgender trend websites, I just feel so confused and lost right now.

although to be fair, even if they'd gone to chat or another forum, they’d have received a very similar response. The overwhelming majority of people are now extremely concerned about ROGD and trans ideology in general and although they might not speak up in public, as we all know how violent and misogynistic TRAs can be, they’re more confident to speak truth on an anonymous forum.

First of all thank you for all of your support and insight. I’ve found it very interesting reading through different opinions. I’m a very open minded person, the word trans doesn’t scare me at all. My concern is for my daughter who is extremely vulnerable being ND. That in itself along with some of the repeated behaviours of those online, have made me concerned. She has repeated word for word what I have read on Reddit for example.
This coupled with the fact that at no point during her childhood has she ever mentioned feeling male, wanting to transition to male or had any what you would probably call male interests. I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think I’d be doing the “right” thing just saying “ok, let’s go for it” with no prior knowledge of what is actually happening. Surely no one would have that view if it was any other major life altering event. And I’m flabbergasted that no one who has suggested I call my DD “him” and to go with because I will lose her (wow, very threatening) has taken into consideration we’re talking about a young vulnerable person. Being autistic makes an individual extremely vulnerable. It’s just not the same as a neurotypical person going through the same thing.

I’m out of my depth here, that’s the truth. Like many other parents going through the same thing.
In regards to her boyfriend, they are on a “break.” It seems, as far as my DD and he has told me, that he is a straight male and loves her very deeply but would not be able to stay with her if she was to transition. He is heartbroken but has told me this isn’t her fault and that he doesn’t want to be the person holding her back from happiness in life. I see it as quite the opposite. He makes her happy in every way.
I have to say, this does seem to be a “trend.” From what I’ve read, including Reddit, the sheer amount of young people wanting to do this, especially before adulthood and before giving themselves a chance to even try to accept and love themselves is quite frightening. And I find it quite frightening how quick some parents just accept it and go with it. This said, I will support DD no matter what. The whole reason she was able to come to me is because she knows I wouldn’t ever shoot her or her emotions down. I’ll love and be there for her no matter what decisions she makes in life. Yesterday she was mostly locked away in her room, I barely saw her. I checked in a few times and she said she wasn’t doing well mentally and she wanted to be alone. She was drawing and then later playing Roblox with her cousin. The day before we had a lot of tears (me included) about her future and at one point she said “what is wrong with me.” She is currently under CAHMS and has a support worker who she has come out to. This concern me a little, but it’s early days and I’m trying desperately to take one day at a time. I haven’t yet spoken to her about using “he/him” and the name we chose. When the time feels right and I will speak to her about it. I’m just trying to keep all lines of communication as open as possible and trying now to let me emotions get the better of me. Thank you all again.

Shame on you

They world, and even your daughter’s internal world, if far bigger than her gender identity. It’s important that you and your family hold on to that.

Psychologists refer to risks and protective factors for wellbeing. Finishing college, gaining employment, maintaining her relationships with her boyfriend, having her holiday to look forward to need to be your focus. I recommend you amplify these, alongside other interests that you share.

I'd recommend reading Time to Thikn by Hannah Barnes about the types of kids who were captured by this cult and sent to the Tavistock.

I'd also recommend getting her away from those friends for the summer. Get her off the internet as much as possible and into the real world.

I’m not sure you understand just how awful and unsettling the language you have used is, on this post. An escape plan? Nearly impossible to build later? I think this is pretty good reflection of how the trans community go about “supporting” vulnerable young people at the lowest points in their lives. Encouraging them to have an escape plan and basically demonising their parents before anything has even been said/done. Disgusting to be honest.

Another cult member 👆

Mental health support I understand is the first port of call.

Im very close with my child and fortunately for us he went through the phase very quickly. I don't think he would have if we had "affirmed" his feelings by changing everything. We called him by "darling" or "nickname", didn't bat an eyelid when he briefly wore a dress around the house and gave him loads of love and affection in the usual way. He didn't change anything outside of the house and after about 4 months went back to dressing as a boy and never mentioned it again. He's now a very beardy 20 something and very firmly a gay man.

@TheMask You can speak to CAMHS therapist separately about how they handle gender and enquire whether they follow Cass review and specifically whether co-morbidities will be investigated first, prior to any referrals to gender clinic can be made, or any affirmation steps are taken. Unfortunately for many CAMHS therapists this is an area they are not well familiar with and with things changing all the time, they may not be up to date with the latest. They would also not know if you are an affirmative parent or not, if you haven’t told them. CAMHS broad stance with regards to gender seems to be ‘hold it lightly’, don’t pay too much attention to it, look at the situation holistically, but I’d be nervous that if a teenager bluntly requests a referral, an unexperienced therapist might go with it and make a referral, without understanding the risks.

I'm in the same boat op but with my autistic 17 yr old wanting to be a girl. I also recently found out he purchased, supposedly, estrogen on the Internet so please keep a look out for your child attempting to buy hormones. He found the website on an online forum, used his bank card and had a vial and syringes delivered to the house.

The boyfriend sounds great; can you encourage him not to lose touch with DD? You say he has been on holiday with you so you must be on pretty good terms, if he continued as a ‘family friend’ it could be a real,lifeline for DD out of this ( I hope) temporary confusion.

There’ s no doubt at all that the tide is turning ( hence the TRA la las instantly popping up to shout ‘affirm! Affirm!’ 🎵🎵🎵 ) so social contagion may soon diminish. Hang on to reality.💐

One angle it might be worth looking at - she’s been with her boyfriend for nearly 4 years, and sounds very “settled” - to me, that seems incredibly young to be settling with a boy. I wonder if this is all part of a way to break free from that by making it a “it’s me not you” thing? I mean, alongside other things as well - obviously not just that.

But perhaps she was feeling smothered by this relationship?

Well said. Unfortunately, alienating children / young people from their parents and families is baked into trans ideology. You'll notice all the threats that you'll lose your child if you fail to comply with / obey their demands. This usually comes from people who are not parents or are alienated from their children with the remainder being parents who failed to do what you're doing - question, challenge, tough love and always centring their child's best interests.

There's lots of advice on here about this and I'd echo those who suggest that you ensure your daughter gets involved in family activities, the community, study, hobbies, sport etc. Anything that helps her develop her character, friendships and interests and gets her away from the soul destroying angst about her identity.

How can you possibly describe this young one as the poster's "son"? Did you not understand? The poster's 17 yo daughter has female reproductive organs- how is she a boy?

Because she said "I am a boy"? What if she'd said "I am a fairy" or "I am a unicorn"? Would both of those statements be true too?

The daughter also has mental health issues - are you really advocating for sterilisation of mentally unwell young women?

And fucking hell - an escape plan??? From her family??? And boyfriend???

Your views are toxic and dangerous to young people in a difficult time of life.

I hope you find a way through this.

As she has a boyfriend I would stress that if she is attracted to boys she will find it far harder to get and keep a boyfriend if she decides to take cross sex hormones. Young women identifying as young men can look cutely androgenous prehormones but when their voice deepens they get facial hair and they become bald they are much less attractive to men and these will happen.
ask her what she feels she could achieve identifying as a man that she couldn’t achieve identifying as a woman? Stress that sexual stereotypes are nonsense and she can look androgenous as a woman if that’s the look she likes.

No. Absolutely none of this.
I would not support this anymore than I would support a 17 year old to do anything harmful to themselves.
It's not my job to make them happy, it's my job to safeguard.
No I don't think you should start vaping/selling drugs/join that group of religious nutters/try and commit suicide/jack in school/start saying you are trans. I think its a big mistake. Why do you think it is a good idea?

OP I wish you both well. Your child is hurting and you are obviously an engaged and wise parent.
Keep them close and listen to them.
My DD is a similar age, also ASD and has recently become much more accepting of her physical self. She never identified as trans in any way as she can't get her head around it, but she admits that the idea of not being a girl was extremely attractive.
We have talked extensively for years about gender/sexuality/feminism and it's interesting to hear her talk about her peers on this matter. She has several friends who are non binary or trans and they are universally accepted as who they are - but here's the interesting thing - they don't live and speak like activists, they're all pretty relaxed about the realities of their existence and only ine person as far as she knows takes medication. They're all young adults rather than children and whilst life experience has yet to shape their views, I think this is part of that for them.
I think it's a difficult line to tread, to affirm and accept and yet keep the door open to be able to change minds. I have always said to my DD that your whole life is a journey of self discovery and as a teen you are just starting out on that.

OP My Dd is also 17 & about to start college. She has given them a new name.
She states she is 'Trans'. She is Autistic, Dyslexic, clinical anxiety. No support.
I am in Scotland and it is pretty awful up here (I had an 'ASD support teacher' call me at home to 'out' her when she was 15 & said 'red flags' if I didn't agree)

I think it is a HUGE draw for those who 'don't fit in' (primarily ASD, ADHD, & folk who are not heterosexual). My Dd told me she was gay around 4 years ago.
But modern society seems to be telling her that that means she's actually Trans. She's not, she is gay. As her parent I support her in discovering who she is.
But, she cannot become a man. It's not possible. That way heartbreak lies.

I also recommend the podcast ‘Gender A Wider Lens’
It lays out the whole historical, international political, psychological landscape by interviewing people & experts who represent the many positions within this issue.

How do I go about this in a way where I don’t let me emotions get the better of me? I’ve had a look at the Bayswater and transgender trend websites, I just feel so confused and lost right now.

I think you should say this to your DD. You are confused. It is all new. Where do you go to find information to help me understand?

Obviously she will probably tell you to go to Stonewall. You have already been to better sites.

Keep talking and listening.

She actually told me to go to TikTok! I have since told her I will not be using TikTok as a reliable source and neither should she.

My dd is in a bright friendship group.

4 years ago one was gay leaning and three ‘non-binary’. The latter three have been through a number of neutral nounish names and styles of presentation across the gender palette.
Now as they approach 17 and are in more settled puberty -
one is gay leaning
one is non binary
the other two are full on ‘straight’ girls.

The families of these girls have just been kind and supportive as these young people evolve socially and biologically and work out who they are.

I am glad nothing irreversible was done at this time. Just as I’m glad none of them have had tattoos. They change massively over time.

Im sorry that you have to deal with this. I’d be handling it by saying ‘I love you very much whatever choices you make in your life. I won’t choose another name for you though - I love the name I chose for you at birth and I still do. Unfortunately I don’t believe in gender but I am happy to try and use your name instead of pronouns if that’s what you want as I will really struggle to use the incorrect pronouns.’

I think it’s ok for my child to believe in gender, but I don’t. Just like some people believe in god or ghosts but I don’t.

I would normally never (I mean ever) be the sort of person who recommends anything on TikTok, however:

Apparently there is a trend at the moment where young girls post themselves lipsynching to a piece of music where the (male) singer says "I was a kid who was stuck in his room. There isn't much more to say about it" -- and the critical bit is that the text over this is "lmao remember when u thought u were a boy"

There are tonnes of girls. And the TRA are getting up in arms about it, because it is suggesting to impressionable young girls that thinking you are a boy is "just a phase". I will let your irony meter do its own job there. But you know, if you wanted to "do your research via TikTok..."

All of the above also reminded me of Dr Az Hakeem - his books and podcast appearances will also probably be helpful - his particular specialty is gender confusion in neurodivergent kids