Daughter (ftm) has just come out as trans

[TheMask]

Hi all,

I know there are quite a few threads with some parents going through the same thing as me, but I really need some guidance and advice.
Bit of background before we begin : DD is 17 (18 in a couple of months) She has a diagnosis of ASD, severe anxiety disorder is waiting for a referral for an ADHD assessment.
She has been in a relationship with her boyfriend since she was 14. Seemed extremely happy together, he’s been on holidays with us, is basically part of our family at this point. They even booked their first solo trip away together 2 months ago for this coming December. Had countless future plans together. DD has been attending college (signed off last week) she has had her struggles but absolutely smashed it and was planning to get a job (within the childcare setting) once she turned 18.
Then comes the bombshell last week. She has a best friend who is also trans (previously ftm and has recently now said they are asexual?) and another friend who is ftm trans. Other than that, no other social circles.
She asked me to affirm her gender identity and choose a name for her. I chose something gender neutral and her Dad and I said we would refer to her has “he.” But I cannot get my head around this. Something is not right. How do I go about this in a way where I don’t let me emotions get the better of me? I’ve had a look at the Bayswater and transgender trend websites, I just feel so confused and lost right now.

I didn’t want to read and run, so:

First off, breathe. You are in for — I’m sorry to say — a marathon not a sprint. Pace yourself, give yourself time and space to scream and cry (I recommend the car), find people (online if necessary) to talk to. Do things for yourself, to maintain your own mental health.

Second, do not feel that you must keep to your decision to agree to a male name and pronouns if, after reading and thinking, you actually don’t think that’s the right choice for your child. You are an adult and a parent, you are allowed to say, actually, I’m sorry, we made a mistake when we agreed to that, and we are changing our mind. The Cass report indicates that using wrong-sex pronouns is not a neutral act.

Third, go have a watch of the Gender, a Wider Lens podcast. And maybe a read of the book that they put out “When Kids Say They’re Trans” — it is very helpful.

Sending hugs. I would not wish this on anyone, but there are a lot of good people out there who can help.

It’s a cult. Read every book you can about cults and how to deprogramme someone caught in one. This is going to hurt. Take care of yourself and try not to let this destroy you. Keep loving and supporting your DD but reconsider affirming the male identity. Don’t celebrate it, but also, don’t ignore it completely. Just gently keep reminding your DD that her ideas about herself will always be changing as she goes through life but that this will never change the fact that you love her and are always there for her.

You’ve known your daughter since she was born and you know the difficulties she’s faced, growing up with ASD, anxiety and possibly ADHD. It’s well documented (see the Cass Report) that children and young people who identify as “trans” have a high incidence of co-morbidities such as those you’ve listed and it’s crucial that these conditions are not ignored. You describe your daughter’s request to affirm her male gender identity as a “bombshell”. Indeed, it is, because once those around her begin to treat her like a boy, using a male name and male pronouns, she may begin to make other demands eg. wearing stereotypical male clothing, using male toilets, wearing a binder, hormones, etc. You also said “Something is not right”….this is your mother’s instinct telling you that something is fundamentally wrong here, because, of course she’s not a boy, nor will she ever be one. Can you discuss with your daughter, without criticising or judging her, why she’s taken this decision? Why is she unhappy being female? Can you explore this with her? I’d recommend joining Bayswater Support Group for more advice and keep talking with your daughter. Good luck…this is a difficult path for her as it is for you.

Hello. My heart goes out to you. My own daughter said she wanted to be a boy. She too has ASD and anxiety and is waiting for an ADHD assessment. She struggles at school socially and academically. She has always felt different, she has never fitted in and she has been severely bullied. Then she suddenly got a fix. She believes if she transitions it will be the end to all her problems. This idea appeals to her autistic mind. The school encouraged her to change her name and pronouns. (social transitioning). I now really regret having allowed the school to do this and the decision to socially transition will be very difficult for our family to walk back. I have since discovered that if a child is socially transitioned, it is like putting them on a non-stop train and it will lead to medical transitioning. My daughter has been doing her GCSEs so I didn’t want to upset her but I am going to have to address the issue in the summer and I can foresee conflict and heartache. I am in a predicament as I do not want her new school in September to continue with affirmation yet I am dreading the anguish she will go through when she finds out. At the moment she still trusts me and the lines of communication are still open but I am fearful of estrangement and a plumet in her mental health. What a mess we have got into. Like you, I felt that something was wrong and that, although she is not a stereotypical girl, she is not boy either. I would recommend the book When Kids Say They're Trans by Sasha Ayed. It will give you the confidence to trust your instincts as a mother. I would also recommend you join The Bayswater Parents Support Group where you can meet people in the same situation. They also have a good website with Top Tips, no. 1 being listen to your child. When you talk to your daughter, make sure she knows you are talking to her from a position of love. She cannot become a man. Gently preparing her for the fact that other people may not see her in the way that she would like them to - and that there is no way of enforcing them to. Help her to accept herself as she. Let her know that you understand that her pain is real. Explain to her that she must not rush into anything. It is a huge decision and she might change her mind. She might want children in the future. The human brain does not fully develop until the age of 25. Tell her you will support her but not until she is 25.

First, congratulations that your son trusts you enough to actually come out to you BEFORE they had an escape plan fully set. That means he does trust you to at least some notable degree, as general advice for underage trans people is to first prepare financial independence before coming out to family on which they depend.

Just reality how often money is then used as a way to "force the trans away", and why it often "comes as complete surprise".

I recommend asking that on reddits /asktransgender if you want an actually helpful answer also - this type of question comes around very often. Here you will just mostly find people who will tell you how to "cure him" and reinforce never resitting your views on transgender people.

And it is a lot, it is a lot for your son too, you will both be learning together. The best you can do is be genuinely willing to learn and adjust, pretend will not get you far.

Remember that he showed tremendous amount of trust and it was extremely hard for them to come out to you, this is never easy, do not fail that trust. If you do, it's nearly impossible to rebuild later.

pretend will not get you far.

Oh the irony of this sentence.

OP I wish you the very best of luck. It's a very tricky path. We managed to navigate it by largely ignoring it and saying "oh ok darling, we love you however you're feeling and whatever you want to wear." We didn't change names/pronouns or anything like that - we simply said "oh ok". Its surprising actually how infrequently you need to use pronouns and my top tip is to switch to just calling them by an existing nickname - never ever a "new name"

What utter, virtue-signalling tosh. The OP does not have a ‘son’. It’s very easy to be accepting when the person involved a complete stranger, isn’t it, for cheap #bekind points.

i really hope this thread might be able to help you TheMask

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womensrights/5355146-gender-clinic-backs-off-after-family-successfully-challenges-direct-contact-with-adult-daughter

Edited because I pressed post too soon

i realise you’re not quite here yet, but v useful to have this in place just in case

Be thankful that your child is talking to you and including you in what’s going on for him. How does the boyfriend fit in to all this?

it is fine to ask for time to adjust and explain that you want to be supportive, but may need a bit of time to get your head round the changes.

Keep asking questions, be supportive and show your love.

Don’t listen to the people who dismiss what’s going on a talk about cults.

It’s not virtue signalling, it’s predation

There is sensible, caring, evidence based advice here - you can join as a member too:

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/toptentips/

Beware of the ‘congratulations’, ‘relax’, ‘be kind’ people. They are offering you an ‘easy’ and very tempting escape. ‘Give us your daughter and we will look after her. Resist and you will get hell.’ Like pimps, drug dealers, coercive partners or religious clergy. You know that something is not right about this movement and what this could do to your daughter. Lifelong, debilitating medicalisation, self isolation from loved ones in favour of unstable, cultist ‘found family’ peer groups and lack of support for her other conditions. As parents, we are at the coal face on this trying desperately, against many odds to protect our kids. Stay strong. There is much support to be found for you and your daughter.

The way you fell over yourself to use he/him when the OP came onto the feminist board to ask for advice and support with her daughter doesn’t really dispel the cult accusation, tbh.

Read everything before you do anything. Speak to other parents.
genspect.org/support/support-for-parents-and-relatives/

I’m in the same boat, OP. My 14 year old AuDHD told us a couple of weeks ago that she was trans. She initially said she was NB then said ‘I don’t know, maybe I’m a boy’. And my idiot husband asked her what her pronouns were.
Shes very clever and usually has a highly inquisitive mind, questions everything so it’s surprising how deeply she’s fallen for this.

There is a strong LGBT group at her school, there’s a trans flag in one of the social areas so obviously teacher-approved. I think she’s just wants to belong somewhere. She doesn’t like the popular girls at school, has always struggled socially.

She asked tonight if she could got to Pride. I think absolutely not, it’s for adults not young ND teenage girls. Idiot husband thinks we should because next year, she might not ask us.

I know this isn’t very helpful in terms of advice but I’m in the same boat and I hope things work out ok for your daughter and you.

This board will do everything it can to alienate your child from you, to make it seem impossible for you to maintain a healthy relationship with them, to make them and their being seem completely incomprehensible to you. This is not true. I suggest you talk openly to your child about the things you have read and the things that are making you doubt and fear. Do not let these people separate you from them.

Wow you sound so close with your child! 🙄

What makes you think that this sounds like good advice to this poster?

Sounds like the approach worked for the poster ? May not work for everyone, but obviously @marsal knows her child better than you?

My daughter uses a male name and ‘they’. I just want to say that some of these comments are rather alarmist. I don’t really like that this is happening but I keep very low key about it and watch and wait. I have far more difficult things going on in my life than this. As long as they’re not taking hormones and cutting their breasts off just ride it out. It will be okay.

I thought it sounded like really good advice actually

I agree with PP. you can still be close, support them and love them. MN will have you believe it’s the worst thing in the world

It’s not about what “MN believes”. The OP chose to come to the feminist board of MN to get support.

DARVO.

do not indulge this nonsense. 'that's nice dear' is a good response. Use her own name and appropriate gender pronouns.