Trans sibling in law

[Primrose86]

DH's sibling has just come out as a man. She is 26 and autistic, lives at home with mum, spends life on the Internet, got kicked out of school at 16 etc etc She has plans to go overseas and transition in germany where apparently you can get surgeries on the public health system while living with her grandpa. Her mum is fully supportive of this.

How should I react to all this. Should I start referring to him as my brother in law? What usually happens after people come out. I assume they progress to hormones and surgery but honestly based on what I read, Germany is quite resistant to health tourists who never paid in even if they are citizens. Are people really happy identifying as another gender when they wouldn't look like the other gender?

By 'transphobic' here you really mean 'respect for scientific reality'. Just to be clear.

It’s not Islamophobic to be an atheist, and it’s not transphobic to believe that we don’t all have an internal gender.

Very well put @Merrymouse

It is not transphobic to not believe humans can change sex.

HTH.

@SerafinasGoose I disagree. Avoiding gendered pronouns is not simple, it's a pain in the bloody neck. Plus, even if you can manage it, it's pretty obvious that you're doing that, whether you use "they" instead of "he" or "she" or whether you use multiple repetitions of somone's name instead. Changing the whole sentence structure to avoid either of these does not come naturally to most people. Plus, any of these options are controlled speech, just as much as using the person's preferred pronouns.

I suspect the other siblings are as confused as I am re how to react! One of her sister definitely has gender critical views, the other is probably not GC but very socially conservative. Luckily they don't live in this country so they don't need to address it. Only the mum is supportive. My DH believes the supreme court judgment is correct and that people don't understand the difference between gender and sex. He is only humouring her now because he believes that if we use the pronouns she will realize that her MH problems can't be solved by becoming a man even if it was possible.

It is confusing to me because I already find it hard to interact with her. Her MH has worsened over the years which has meant she can be actively hostile. I know other trans people and am happy to use their pronouns but they aren't people I watched grow up. Even without the trans thing interacting with him/her was a minefield for dh and I which is why we distanced ourselves during a vulnerable time to figure it out..when dh finally met up with her and her mum she dropped this bombshell.

Advocating policies that harm Muslims would be islamophobic. Advocating policies that harm trans people is transphobic.

But frankly it doesn’t matter whether you or I or anyone else thinks it’s transphobic. My uncle would absolutely reject anyone saying he’s homophobic despite thinking I should have fewer rights for being gay.

What matters is that my boundaries do not involve me having a relationship with someone who thinks I shouldn’t have the right to marry.

It’s up to the OP’s BIL where his boundaries lie, but if OP believes he should not be able to live as and be treated as a man even though we know the harm that causes, it would be well justified setting similar boundaries.

Brother in law? That is bonkers. The ops vulnerable SL can never be a man and I am sorry if my facts hurt your feelings. Wanting to become something never makes it fact. I want to identity as a pilot. I insist you believe and treat me as one. I will fly the next plane you are on.

Gosh she sounds so troubled OP.

But your definition of 'harm' is 'refusing to lie about their sex'.

If people find this harmful, it is a question for them to address with their therapist.

Yes it’s not a surprise that you think conversion therapy is the way forward.

Meanwhile however the psychiatric consensus remains that affirmative and supportive approaches are important contributors to trans’ people’s wellbeing.

Always good for lurkers to see the TRA movement crank the dial to full batshit

You're right on all the above counts. It's not simple. It's a pain in the bloody neck. It requires a concerted effort to change the cases and active/passive voice and forces you to be aware of every statement you utter. It takes a lot of practice. No disagreements on any of that.

And it is controlled speech. The issue being that if you work in an organisation whose written policy is to use incorrect pronouns when this is indicated as someone's preference, and where inadvertent errors in pronoun-use can see you disciplined, it is as far as I'm concerned the lesser of the 'compelled speech' evils.

You can't be disciplined for something you did not say.

It sounds a very difficult situation for everyone.

I agree, and it happens on every thread I've seen of this nature. I find it gives me a physical shock to see the wrong sex pronouns applied, especially when it's so clear that the person seeking advice and support is really troubled and confused and that the trans identity is very new and possibly not going to persist. The militant TRAs home in on that like Dementors crowding round someone who's known grief.

Please help me, my 13yo daughter, ND, bullied at school, diagnosed with anxiety and depression, history of self-harm, suspicions of an eating disorder, is now saying she is really a boy. I don't know what to do.

You must support your son to the hilt! Take your lead from him and buy him a binder.

or:

I am a woman and I've been married for 20 years and we have three children. My husband was in the military when I met him and now works in a very male-dominated field. He is 6'2, powerfully built and plays rugby. Now he has told me that he has always known he was a woman and he intends to transition. I am absolutely blindsided. How do I tell our children, our friends, our families?

If you truly love your wife, you will do whatever it takes to support her through her coming out. Be prepared to cut out from your life anybody who won't affirm your wife's identity. Help your wife learn to apply make-up, plan a few shopping trips together, lend her your Ladyshave!

If trans people find the truth harmful then that is for them to deal with, but it doesn’t make the truth transphobic. No one can be forced to participate in someones else’s delusions about themselves, that’s controlling behaviour.

YY exactly @Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

My only take on those responses is get in the bloody bin.

It's an interesting point. What about gay people who opposed gay marriage - either because they saw it as trying to conform with heterosexual social structures or they saw marriage as an oppressive institution with origins in patriarchal religions - as do some feminists? I agree with you that what applies in society isn't necessarily what applies in our personal life - you can have the right to oppose gay marriage in society but would still need to take account of the feelings of your niece and not voice those views at a wedding. The thing with 'trans rights' is not only do they often affect other people's rights but many people are deeply concerned with the harm transgenderism is doing to vulnerable young people. It isn't transphobic to be concerned about someone's mental health and the physical harm that 'gender affirming care' can afflict on the human body and mind. The OP's original post came out of a position of concern for her SIL and also for her immediate family in having to deal with someone who is clearly struggling with their mental health.

It's the opposite of conversion therapy.

Conversion therapy is designed to make someone what they are not (heterosexual).

What we are talking about is therapy which aims to help someone accept themselves for what they are.

Maybe the truth is 'transphobic' in which case it's is an issue for those crying 'transphobia' to deal with.

The rest of us live in reality, even if TRAs don't.

I realise that's pretty much what you're saying already, but it might be helpful to call out the transphobic nature of reality to illustrate the futility of the TRA battle.

How exactly is it conversion therapy? The only people wanting to do any converting are people like you who support this regressive ideology. It’s you who think people are born in the wrong body and should be ‘converted’ to the opposite sex. The women on here don’t believe any of that nonsense and believe people should be given help to live with and love the body they’re born with.

What about lesbians being told that they must 'learn to cope' with sex with men when they are not sexually attracted to them, and having instructions on how to do straight sex (which are incidentally always all about the pleasure of the man), and being shamed and excluded and actively threatened for wishing to be homosexual instead of obediently homogenderal? I believe Riley Dennis in lecturing on this stated that lesbians with trauma were permitted a short recovery period before being expected to get on with learning to provide this for the greater good.

Is that the sort of conversion therapy that's ok?

It is not the psychiatric consensus at all.

If it were, then large numbers of clinicians from the Tavistock would not have been trying to whistleblow.

Also, how does it explain desisters and detransitioners? Or are you trying to erase them.

There is no objective way to live as a man or be treated as a man unless you are born male and live to adulthood. What you are advocating is an affirmation of a belief in gender identity, similar to insisting on religious belief.

Obviously people are cut out of families because they won't affirm a religious belief, and their families may interpret any departure from orthodoxy as a harmful threat. I don't think that is reasonable, but it is up to the OP to decide where their boundaries lie. Families can and do continue to have good relations despite the individuals having different beliefs.