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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Newly trans colleague sexual harassment

57 replies

parallelignition · 12/02/2025 20:31

Hi,

Over the past 2 years a male colleague has made inappropriate sexual comments, spoke in length to me about a sexual fantasy and makes various jokes with sexual innuendos. I have reported him three times for the more serious things but has only had warnings. He knows he is on thin ice so over the last year only minor innuendos have been said. Yesterday he made a comment making me feel uneasy (about a threesome). Today he has come out as trans in a meeting.

I feel really upset today. It’s like he’s trying to bring me in to his sexual fantasy where he wasn’t properly able to before. I don’t want to refer to him as she or share toilets with him. I feel I need to mention how I’m feeling to management but don’t know how to without seeming transphobic and getting into trouble. I have to work closely with him unfortunately. Is there any advice on how I can handle this?

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 12/02/2025 20:32

Ugh sounds like a revolting pervert
Keep reporting.

NebulousHog · 12/02/2025 20:32

Are you in a union? Do you have a HR department? Are your organisations signed up to Stonewall?

NebulousHog · 12/02/2025 20:34

First though, make a note of EVERYTHING. And gather as much evidence as you can, and list the witnesses as you remember, next to each incident.

Make sure you take copies of your complaints off work servers / email and store securely outside of the office.

Original poster
parallelignition · 12/02/2025 20:38

Yes I’m in a union and yes I have a HR department. I’m not sure about being signed up to stonewall. I don’t think we are as I haven’t seen any mention of it.

i want to know if he’s intending to use the female toilets and what the policy is. Whenever I’ve made a complaint I’ve asked for a meeting for a face to face appointment. I haven’t got it written down. I will document the comment yesterday but can’t remember who was with me. It was during a lunch break, so I know people were present but can’t remember who.

OP posts:
NebulousHog · 12/02/2025 20:42

i want to know if he’s intending to use the female toilets and what the policy is.

I wouldn't raise this right now - I would look for a policy if you have one, but, and others may disagree, until he starts to use the female toilets I would focus on the sexual harassment.

I'm not usually one for saying don't rock the boat but with this, I would be quiet until the issue presents itself head on.

I would get in touch with your union rep to ask about policies and if they can be provided to you.

spannasaurus · 12/02/2025 20:45

https://seen-network.uk/other-seens/

Contact the SEEN network if there's one for your industry. Link above lists all the networks

SEEN - Sex Equality & Equity Network

Other SEENs

Sex Equality and Equity Network

https://seen-network.uk/other-seens/

WhereAreWeNow · 12/02/2025 20:53

I would report yesterday's comment about the threesome and say it's sexual harassment and it's a pattern of behaviour. You've reported him before and you don't feel your complaints have been taken seriously.
Even if it goes nowhere, it's important to keep logging it.
You could raise it with your union too.
I would just focus on the sexual harassment and not bring the trans identity into it.
If he does then try to use the women's toilet you will be better placed to challenge it if you can point to historic and recent instances of sexual harassment.

Mischance · 12/02/2025 20:54

..." without seeming transphobic and getting into trouble"

What a telling and highly disturbing few words.

What have we come to when a man who has been repeatedly harrassing a colleague via verbal innuendo unhampered can decide to announce he is trans and thereby open up both new routes to offend and a new shield to hide behind?

And the OP is feeling bad! ... and is vulnerable, and unsupported.

What a world .....

NebulousHog · 12/02/2025 20:56

Make your complaint in writing and word in a way so that it refers to the previous complaints as well (do you remember the dates?)...

27pilates · 12/02/2025 20:56

WhereAreWeNow · 12/02/2025 20:53

I would report yesterday's comment about the threesome and say it's sexual harassment and it's a pattern of behaviour. You've reported him before and you don't feel your complaints have been taken seriously.
Even if it goes nowhere, it's important to keep logging it.
You could raise it with your union too.
I would just focus on the sexual harassment and not bring the trans identity into it.
If he does then try to use the women's toilet you will be better placed to challenge it if you can point to historic and recent instances of sexual harassment.

This

NewHeaven · 12/02/2025 20:58

https://sex-matters.org/

Arran2024 · 12/02/2025 21:01

NebulousHog · 12/02/2025 20:42

i want to know if he’s intending to use the female toilets and what the policy is.

I wouldn't raise this right now - I would look for a policy if you have one, but, and others may disagree, until he starts to use the female toilets I would focus on the sexual harassment.

I'm not usually one for saying don't rock the boat but with this, I would be quiet until the issue presents itself head on.

I would get in touch with your union rep to ask about policies and if they can be provided to you.

But once he starts using the facilities it is harder to stop him.

NebulousHog · 12/02/2025 21:03

Not necessarily - not if the sexual harassment has been reported and recorded over the last 2 years.

OP - curious were you in the meeting he disclosed he was trans? What was the context (as it's quite random to just in disclose this in most work meetings I have been in)

Original poster
parallelignition · 12/02/2025 21:08

Thank you. I’m still nervous to report it. I wish I’d done it yesterday before he came out today.

Nebulous - He was given a moment to speak at the end of a general team meeting.

Arran, that’s part of my worry I won’t be able to get him out once he’s in.

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 12/02/2025 21:11

@parallelignition can you make a pact with all the other ladies if they are agreeable that you always go to the loos in twos?? pretty sure you wont be the only one getting worried about this!

MrsPeregrine · 12/02/2025 21:11

Keep reporting him when he makes inappropriate comments. Document and date every single incidence and avoid using pronouns. Just refer to him by his name.

NebulousHog · 12/02/2025 21:13

I suspect he thinks coming out as trans will offer him protection from sexual harassment as he is now a woman and can jest with other women.

Legally this is not the case.

Please report.

niadainud · 12/02/2025 21:13

This looks very like a case of autogynaephilia to me.

NotAComputerPerson · 12/02/2025 21:22

Employers are require to provide separate toilets for men and women.

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/1992/3004/contents

NotAComputerPerson · 12/02/2025 21:29

Overview of how GRA interacts with EA2010

https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/research-briefings/cbp-10137/

AlienLanding · 12/02/2025 21:31

Nightmare.
How old is he? Our colleague is 50 and has 30 years of 'banter' before deciding to transition.
Unlike the wig, he can't just stop doing it. So plenty of ongoing, pattern of behaviour evidence if you can keep track.
Our colleague is in IT and absolutely uses their administrator privileges to access information, so careful on that one.

Management have changed recently and seems less keen on bekind.

JustSawJohnny · 12/02/2025 21:45

Report the latest comment and make it clear that you are now in a difficult position as the person you have had to complain about repeatedly for making sexually inappropriate comments to you in the workplace is now likely to be sharing toilet space with you and could claim transphobia if you make further complaints. It's best to head issues off at the pass, I think.

Stick to disabled toilets if you feel uncomfortable.

PlanningTowns · 12/02/2025 21:51

Speak to your union rep in the morning. First thing. Explain what has happened, the full history and your concerns.

its clear you are not trans phobic because you have raised similar complaints in the past and there is a pattern of behaviour. This is not a trans issue. This is a safety, behaviour and professionalism issue. Your workplace will have policies, your rep can help you with this.

you need to raise a formal grievance. They will come back with the trans issue, but you can show a pattern with the previous warnings.

you pay monthly for your union. This is exactly what they are there to help with.

Arran2024 · 12/02/2025 21:53

Are you watching the case in Fife with the doctor using the ladies?

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