One third of domestic abuse victims are male

[NImumconfused]

Domestic and sexual abuse strategy launched

Glad to see the launch of this strategy following some really harsh funding cuts in the sector in the last few years, including to the only charity providing counselling to children who have been sexually abused, but I was really surprised by this statistic. Is it reflected in the rest of the UK or is NI unusual in this regard?

This.

And some men's definition of domestic violence often includes "nagging." The differences between what most women put up with and what some men complain about are yet another example of masculine privilege.

As @BloodyAdultDC 's post demonstrates.

I think the whole men are bigger, men do it more severe, women don't beat men etc is really quite a dangerous rhetoric.

I'm not a neutral party in this and I suppose my post comes from my feelings and experience rather than an academic position. I was severely emotionally abused growing up, I didn't even recognise it was abuse until I was an adult, it wasn't until I started talking about it and people were horrified by what I'd been through that I realised how horrific it was. I wasn't beaten so I thought it couldn't possibly be abuse nevermind the severe abuse I've come to realise that it was, you couldn't and still can't see what happened to me but 20 years later I still very much bear the scars of what happened. I don't think I'll ever be 'normal'.

Emotional abuse can be horrific, I attempted suicide, I self harmed, I starved myself, all as a result of the abuse that happened by a woman who never touched me. It was severe, it was horrific and it has had long lasting effects on every aspect of my life. I struggle when I see people compare emotional abuse and violent abuse and come to the conclusion that emotional isn't that bad, that it could have be worse. Emotional abuse could have killed me, sure I inflicted the physical damage on myself but it didn't happen in a vacuum. I suppose I just wish that people would choose their words a little more carefully and be a little less dismissive about the effects that all types of abuse can have.

Surely the important statistic in all this, if we are trying to reduce violence, is the sex of the perpetrators, rather than the victims? All this splitting hairs about sex, age, status of victims matters much less than identifying the people who pose a risk of violent attack. And I am certain that these will be overwhelmingly male, regardless of the sex, age, or status of their victims. You can’t make yourself less male, less female or less of a child in order to avoid being a victim of domestic violence, so in a way, that’s less important than naming the people who actually pose the danger. Let’s stop saying: a woman has been killed by her partner, and instead, every time, say: a man has killed his partner. We need to keep focussing on the people whose behaviour needs to change.

Let’s stop saying: a woman has been killed by her partner, and instead, every time, say: a man has killed his partner.

Yes! Jackson Katz's TED talk is good about what is lost in agency and accountability when language is used like this.

https://www.ted.com/talks/jackson_katz_violence_against_women_it_s_a_men_s_issue/transcript?language=en

No one has done anything of the sort. Acknowledging stats does not make the other story behind the stat disappear or diminish. 33% is 33%. It hasn't changed.

Using a stat to center men when women are clearly either affected more in number or intensity is diminishing for women.

A different strategy is required for males. Taking the spotlight or funding away from women is not it.

I'm sorry for your experiences. And yes, emotional and coercive abuse is serious and awful. I don't see anyone here dismissing it.

Violent abuse in the context of dv is just about always just one facet of a larger pattern of emotional/coercive abuse. So anyone who has experienced physical dv will almost certainly have experienced it as part of an abusive/coercive relationship dynamic.

'Comparing emotional abuse and violent abuse' in the context of dv doesn't really make sense, because it will be vanishingly rare to have violent abuse without emotional abuse.

A comparison would perhaps be emotional abuse compared to a stranger punching someone in the street, say. But these are apples and oranges and so again the comparison is fairly meaningless.

And it's not 'dangerous rhetoric' to say that men are stronger, bigger, heavier and more likely to seriously injure women than the reverse. It's just factual.

Mmm. Yeah. I had a response typed out but actually this is too close to the bone for me to get involved in. I'll leave you to it.

Common then post links to prove your statement

I’ve mentioned a factual personal experience of female perpetrated domestic violence and emotional abuse against a male (her partner).

Make of that what you will. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Some men suffer domestic abuse, they need help as much as women need help. There need to be refuges for men as well as women. I hope we'd all agree with that, just not with the emphasis in this report.

I remember my ex going into work with a black eye, which was then reported to police and I was investigated as he said I had done it. I had. While he was raping me. He is a statistic as a victim of DV.
He raped me every other day and beat me unconscious multiple times. He’s still a statistic.

The statistics are believable, particularly if a third of victims are male, not necessarily men, but boys.

It is likely in a lot of situations where the woman is a victim of domestic abuse her children will also face violence from the man.

Yes, I believe it. I know of men who are deeply ashamed of being domestic violence victims. They won’t talk about it but women though they go through shame, have society’s support.

I think that men aren't as scared as women to report it. They say there's stigma for men to admit to such things, but I think the multitudes of women who are too fearful they won't be adequately protected when they do report vastly outnumbers incidents against men in real terms.
Domestic violence amongst family members of the same sex can also skew the figures.

The headline numbers in the OP have been known for years. Back when I was on the periphery of this topic for a study, I remember seeing percentages of male victims that were even higher. Anecdotally, when I mentioned that to my (70 yo, widowed) landlady where I was staying during my higher degree course she casually mentioned "I threw an ashtray at my husband once, it drew blood". And I also read somewhere (sorry, no link!) that the relationships with the highest proportion of partner violence are between lesbians.

But surely the critical point is that men are stronger and do a lot more damage when they hit people than women do. Maybe men are indeed 35% or 40% of victims of assault in the home by an opposite-sex partner, but they probably account for less than 20% of hospital visits, 10% of fractures, and 3% of murders. So it depends on the extent to which you care about counting incidents, versus serious harm done.

For what it's worth I would personally like to see anti-domestic violence campaigns acknowledge that men can be victims, if only because as present a certain category of man who doesn't think it's his problem can reply "Well what about the men victims eh, I knew a bloke whose missus drew blood by throwing an ashtray". Of course 90% of the focus should be on women victims, but including men would, I think, help to emphasise that this is everyone's problem in all ways.

That's not domestic abuse, it's child abuse.

From the OP I took there to be 2 points (not to say they are the only 2).

Firstly do the statistics support the statement about the number fo men who have suffered domestic violence? As usual these are harder to unpick and from comments on the thread hard to compare as likely forms of violence are different.

Secondly, is there enough provision for men who are victims of DV? And if not is it women's fault because they have focused on helping other women. Where are the men supporting other men.

As posts up thread have discussed in most instances men are stronger and more used to expressing anger in violence. Which doesn't mean women cant or haven't been violent.

Another point which has been referred to is whether it is easier for men to escape from a situation of DV that it is for women. Generally (although not always - just saying to stop this being picked on) women have less options partly because of finances and children.

Women's Aid (WAFE) has just published a report about the cost for women of trying to leave. Link is to the press release which has the link to the actual report https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-publish-price-of-safety-report-exposing-cost-of-fleeing-domestic-abuse/

I hate this post. People experience different types of abuse and you never know what someone is going through or what their experience is. Imagine if someone beat you up and you were told, "It’s not that bad. You're still alive."

As someone who has a female family member who is abusive, I can confirm they are just as bad as a male abuser. For many years I was unable to look people in the eye and apologised for everything even if it wasn't my fault. It definitely set the precedent for me having abusive relationships as an adult as well.

I see the pattern playing out with her husband now. He looks how I felt - defeated and with no self worth.

And I should mention, he tried to leave and failed. She manipulated and cajoled him in to taking her back.

My DP works alongside a large group of men. In the last few years he has told me about the way some of them will play mind games with their wives/partners.

Some will goad their partner to the point where they'll slap them, some resort to gaslighting until their partner will shout or swear at them in frustration. All these men talk of the 'red rag to jam rag' where they know their partners' cycles and ramp up the psychological abuse and nastiness until their partner snaps.

Then they brag about how they show restraint because they would never hit a woman but have a good laugh about how their partners could be done for DV against them. One called himself a wife-baiter not a wife beater.

These men work a physical job and are strong. A lot belong to a gym or do MMA. They could hurt or overpower their partners but consider themselves 'good' men because they don't slap women around like their fathers did to their mothers (though some do).

My DP tells me some say they belong to online MRA groups and encourage others to follow. Andrew Tate is god-like to most of the younger men and some of the older ones.

The local refuge is always full of women yet the one case that hit the local paper headlines was the man whose wife abused him by slapping him (once) then caused him emotional harm by shouting at him all the time.

No abuse is acceptable from either side and especially not in front of children, but when I hear of men doing the above I have to wonder if they really are the abused or the abuser.

I wonder if there has been an increase in reporting of domestic violence within same sex relationships - particularly in the case where both parties are male? There have been awareness raising campaigns about this issue and there are now services for men in this situation so they might feel more able to report than they would have done previously. It would be interesting to see the sex of the perpetrator rather than just the victim. As with most violent crimes, it has be shown the world over that the vast majority of perpetrators are male (this doesn't mean men can't also be victims or deny that women can cause harm).

NI has the highest femicide rate in the UK - it also holds data on its’ citizens experiences of VAWG the rest of the UK doesn’t.
• Young Life & Times 2022 survey (VAWG)
• Young Life & Times 2023 survey (VAWG)
• Life & Times 2022 survey (VAWG)

It doesn’t exactly make for cheerful reading, unsurprisingly, but it is certainly informative.

NI also needs to be considered through the lens of a society filled with intergenerational trauma & socio-cultural nuances that would be utterly lost on the vast majority of outsiders. The personal as political has a whole other meaning there. Not that that in any way excuses any kind of domestic abuse &/or violence - but this is also a place that didn’t agree to the need for a VAWG strategy (despite strenuous campaigning by feminist groups) until 2021. I suspect Naomi Long is desperately trying to play catch-up in all areas; & let’s not forget the Alliance Party are up to the eyeballs in GenderWoo - to her men includes some female people…

But statistically, your experience is a very small minority experience of abuse.

That does not mean people are telling you it didn’t happen. Just that the majority of abusers are men and generally the abuse they mete out is far more serious (can be murderous) than domestic violence perpetrated by women.

I'm so sorry that happened to you @MaggieBsBoat

It's not my story to tell so I can't give any details but a friend's ex husband tried something similar (he even contacted a DV charity). In her case there was too much evidence proving it was him who was the abuser, not her, so it didn't work when he tried it. But it was still a distressing experience for her when he made the claims and delayed her accessing help.