If you are gender critical what would you do if your child said they were trans?

[Titsywoo]

That is the situation we find ourselves in with our 17 year old autistic son. We are struggling to find the right thing to do. Both DH and I don't feel he is actually in the wrong body - he never showed one sign of that till 4 or 5 months ago.

What would you do?

Sorry if people don't feel this is the right board for this but I don't want to discuss my son specifically just how people who are GC would deal with the situation if their own child (or other family member/friend) was to start down this worrying path?

I would be talking to him about why he feels like that, what he thinks would be better if he transitioned, what's missing from his life that he thinks he would get.

I'd find a psychologist for him to engage with.

But as mum of an ND child myself I'd also have to manage my expectations as to the level of conversation we could have. My DS bolts and can only manage very short bursts of difficult conversations.

You are doing the best for him, you love him, so don't beat yourself up about it.

DH and I have discussed this. We would probably get them therapy, listen to them, but not enable poor mental health nor lie to them. There is no denying your sex, they can be "trans" but that doesn't magically make them turn into the opposite sex.

I have a 25 year old SIL who is trans (aspergers, adhd, dropped out of school early and now writes online for a living)...she spends her life online (doesnt see anyone but her mum and other family members) and has decided she is trans (trying to deepen her voice now to pass as male, plus looking up how to do surgeries).

She is an adult but I feel like she is still vulnerable!

Tell them humans can’t change sex.

Drugs and surgery is cosmetic and will make you a pharmaceutical patient for life. And it won’t change a thing. Most teens hate their body.

You are what you are - what you wear or hobbies or tastes are your personality and choices.

It’s insulting to women to declare that you can be one if you so choose. Don’t know what men think - I assume they are just bemused.

My autistic DS had gender identity issues in his later teen years. He was in no way feminine in his childhood. Typical autistic boy - special interests in Thomas the Tank Engine to Dinosaurs to Minecraft to Pokemon to gaming.

I neither supported nor denied him. I let him grow his hair and wear hair slides to school. I let him change the name on his email account. I didn't offer to make a GP appointment for him (he would still need me to do this for him even now). If he had asked me to make him one, I would have, but wouldn't have explained his issues to the GP, but would let him (he finds speaking to people very difficult and usually likes me to help out). I didn't buy him any female clothes; I didn't stop him going out to buy them either (which he didn't). I tried to make him feel respected by buying gender neutral clothing eg a shirt with day of the dead skulls on in pinks and reds.

Basically, I didn't offer the huge amount of support and facilitation I usually do. Neither did I tell him he was wrong, stupid or immature. I just didn't help.

He doesn't mention it now (a few years later,); he plays as a female character in some games and still has long hair, but seems reconciled to his bio sex.

Your posts are all terrifying. At the moment my plan is to ban my DD4 from the Internet until she flies the nest. Probably not practical

Matilda Gosling has written some good stuff for Sex Matters – parts 1 and 2 are background and part 3 is advice:

sex-matters.org/posts/publications/teenagers-and-gender-identity-the-evidence-base-parts-1-2-and-3/

And there's also a list of other resources:

sex-matters.org/support-for-parents/

We've been going through this for the last 2 years with our autistic child. They've just turned 18. It was a total shock and I think I cried every night for the first year. But she is so much happier now and has been supported by all her friends and family so that brings me comfort. I get so upset when I see so much hate in society for the trans community. I worry about her all the time and hate it when she goes out alone. Sending you love and support x

I can sort of relate, because my daughter got caught up in the gender identity bullshit and is now thinking she might be non-binary. I have been supportive, but that's easy enough to do because she's not planning on gender reassignment and she's not hung up on pronouns, does not demand to be referred to as "they." With a trans kid, it must be very difficult.

Try to find out why they feel their body is wrong and make it quite clear you love them and see nothing wrong with the way they are now. Explain that no-one changes sex, that they only pretend to be female and that life as a woman is actually very difficult. Explain male privilege to him. Explain that he will make some women very uncomfortable and it is very unkind to do that.

Dont let them be suckered by the bullshit about hate for trans people. There is a lot of hate from men towards women. There is very little hate from women towards other people.

Helen Joyce has some wise words. I think it's socratic questioning she suggests.

Give them a basic biology book and point out they will be infertile and unable to enjoy sex if they follow this route. I would not support them in such madness, would refuse new names, pronouns etc and continue to address them and treat as the sex they are.

Ds is 20 and I'd be pretty surprised, but as he's an adult I wouldn't have any real influence over him. I hope I would be able both to listen to him and to hold some boundaries. I'd be happy to call him by a different name and 'they' would be ok but I wouldn't say that he's always been a girl or that he has changed sex. Tbh I'd try just to talk as little as possible about it and keep loving him as my child.

I would be very honest about my views and reality.
I wouldn't play along with any fiction such as pronouns or language confusion.
I would not use a new name - unless they made this choice as an adult.
No changes at school.
No doctors appointments.

I'd spend lots of time with them enjoying activities separate from the issue.
I'd look to restrict online access if possible. (Depends on age)
I'd not get involved in lengthy debate once they knew my position.
I'd play it down as an issue.
Treat it like a phase I don't have to pay too much attention to.
Basically take it off the table as an issue they can do anything about until they are adults.
Ignore the fashion choices without comment.

I think this is how we should have treated this all along: a teenage craze which adults ignored as they knew it was just a phase.

All the therapy, long supportive conversations etc have just given it too much credence.
We've treated it like it's a real thing.

Clarity for asd kids also helpful.
They may not like your position but it's clearly laid out with boundaries. They know where they are with you.

Firstly I’d make it clear that I would love him no matter what - even if that included medical transition as an adult. That there was no way he could be or change he could make to his body that would have any affect on my feelings for him. Then, as others have suggested, I would ask open and non-judgmental question. Not as an attempt to catch him out or find a flaw in reasoning as that will make him feel attacked. Things like:

1. What about his body does he find distressing?
2. Which interventions does he want?
3. What benefit does he think he will get from them?
4. What does he know about the risks and what he would lose?
5. What does he know about the social difficulties that occur for trans-identified people?
6. Has he thought about the impact on his future romantic relationships or ability to have children?
7. Has he considered trying out different reversible measures like changing how he dresses or wears his hair?

If he said things that concerned me, such as subscribing to stereotypes or if I could identify a particular social or mental health issue then I’d make a mental note of that, but not begin an interrogation in the moment.

Instead, I’d thank him for sharing with me and then go away and think about how I could address the areas of concern. E.g. could learning about inspirational gender non-conforming men open his mind to the many ways one can express themselves as they are? Would a trans-identified person describing complications they have faced give him a better understanding of what the process entails? Could finding an accepting club, hobby or sports activity improve his mental health? Could he use additional support navigating puberty as an autistic child? Is he struggling with his sexuality and would support with that or meeting other LGB young people be of benefit? Etc.

I have based a lot of what I have said on the words of a trans-identified person who began social and medical transition young. I will find the relevant posts and link to them here as I think they are helpful for any parent of a child suffering this type of distress.

I'd laugh at them.

Now, that might sound harsh, but neither of my children have any SEN, so I'd probably be a lot more compassionate if they did.

In fact, when our oldest was 'educating' DH and I about gender woo (just pre-pandemic she was 15 or 16) we laughed at the entire thing and she got VERY angry with us.

Later, when DD1 peaked at 18, she remembered this previous conversation and told us that it made a difference to her as she analyzed the movement. She said we'd almost always taken her seriously and to hear us mock these ideas made her question why we were so liberal and open-minded and compassionate about other ideas but on this one we acted like she'd announced the Earth was flat. Laughing at the absurdity of it all worked as one step in peaking our DD.

Younger DD watched all this and later told a friend, who asked (after they'd watched a film in class that was very pro gender ideology) what would happen if she told her parents she was non-binary. DD2 said, "My parents would laugh at me." Her friend said, "yeah, I'd laugh at you too." Kids really rely on their peers' opinions.

We've been through this with DS who is 21, it's the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. A year ago he was determined that he could deal with what was likely to be anxiety and depression by taking hormones.

We kept him away from the NHS (which isn't fit for purpose on gender ideology) and we found him an exploratory therapist (which wasn't that successful as DS was suspicious that he wasn't immediately affirmed). Ultimately the two most useful things were, first, DH and I agreeing that we wouldn't do anything to enable the process, that if DS was going to medicalise that it had to 100% be his decision and he would have to take total responsibility for it. Second, he went to university which got him out of his bedroom, making friends (he was very isolated) and gave him something to focus on that he's passionate about.

So far he hasn't (as far as I know) done anything to move the process forward other than wearing fairly androgenous clothes, growing his hair long and using a gender neutral variation of his name. I don't mind any of that and I'm hoping it won't go any further. Time will tell.

I've had support from the Gender Dysphoria Support Network which has helped me feel less alone.

From what I’ve read and heard it can be helpful to try and connect outside of the issue. Obviously you will need to have conversations but also try and get out and do activities that your child enjoys and just connect in the real world. Good luck

This would be my approach too.

It would be very hard.

I would try to focus on maintaining a relationship, and showing love, whilst not compromising on my values.

I would also pay attention to the effect it had on siblings. Whilst I may go along with name changes (depending on exactly what they were) I would draw the line on pronouns, and I would make it clear that siblings were allowed their memories and these should not be re-written.

I have sons and I would also draw attention to the sheer physical difference in size and strength, and use this to explain why women need single sex spaces.

It would be very hard.

I would try to focus on maintaining a relationship, and showing love, whilst not compromising on my values.

I would also pay attention to the effect it had on siblings. Whilst I may go along with name changes (depending on exactly what they were) I would draw the line on pronouns, and I would make it clear that siblings were allowed their memories and these should not be re-written.

I have sons and I would also draw attention to the sheer physical difference in size and strength, and use this to explain why women need single sex spaces.

I watched two 16/17 year olds go through this scenario.

The one that is doing really well had parents who arranged support for her other issues but basically parked the gender stuff and didn't affirm. They strongly encouraged other interests and hobbies, were kind but didn't use pronouns or new names and kept the focus elsewhere. After a tough couple of years she is mentally strong and also happy with being a quirky woman.

Reassure him that you love him regardless. If he wants to talk about it, always listen. Support him in living how he wants to at home, but explain the likelihood of being bullied and discriminated against in the wider world. Encourage him to be discreet while he is still 17. Explain it isn't possible to change sex but how he lives day to day will be up to him.

Say that if, when he is an adult - not long - he still feels the same then it will be his choice to carve out whatever life he wishes.

Also explain that teen brains go on developing into early twenties so doing anything irreversible is unwise.

It's interesting to read the perspectives of those who haven't been in this situation because the reality was so very different for us when it actually happened.

There was disbelief that DS could feel that way after living in a GC household and when I tried to reason with him about impact on infertility or sex life he either didn't care or wouldn't talk about it ("I'll adopt, it's inappropriate for you to talk to me about this").

When I pointed our there were de-transitioners and the treatments weren't evidence based he simply trotted out "the NHS supports this, it says so on their website". For me this is why the Cass Review has been so important and why I'll be so disappointed if it isn't implemented. I have no words to describe my contempt for NHS staff who have promoted ideology over evidence based medicine.

I knew we needed to get him out of the house and doing other things (he'd left school and had no job or friends) but he simply refused and if we'd told him to leave he literally would have been on the streets. There was nowhere for him to go.

I was completely unable to have a rational conversation about it because I was so upset and angry about the misogynistic bullshit underlying this stuff which I had spouted at me. We had lots of horrendous arguments to the point where I seriously considered moving out of the family home because I couldn't bear to be around it.

It's such an awful situation to be in. There were days when I just lay on the floor and sobbed. There have been lots of threads on here about voting intentions for the election. For me, no other issue is as important as this one. I cannot vote for a party that won't pledge to deal with this.

I'd laugh at them.
Some might consider this a risky strategy, I think it's a testament to the strength of your relationship with your kids that you can laugh at a silly idea without them thinking you're laughing at them.

I find gentle amusement is often a good tool with some teenageriness already. DS, you're really throwing a strop about /that/? It can help defuse situations much better than being cross, even if we have every right to be.