If you are gender critical what would you do if your child said they were trans?

[Titsywoo]

That is the situation we find ourselves in with our 17 year old autistic son. We are struggling to find the right thing to do. Both DH and I don't feel he is actually in the wrong body - he never showed one sign of that till 4 or 5 months ago.

What would you do?

Sorry if people don't feel this is the right board for this but I don't want to discuss my son specifically just how people who are GC would deal with the situation if their own child (or other family member/friend) was to start down this worrying path?

Support them as best I could whilst trying to steer them away from harmful hormones and surgeries. Talk with them, find out why they think they're trans, (is it based purely on stereotypes for example) and challenge the thinking behind it. As your DS is autistic is it possible he's being led down this path by someone else?

My dd is autistic and she has said if the trans thing was as strong 10 years ago as it is now she may well have gone down that path. (She's 21 now). I think being open, honest and supportive is the best thing right now. Keep all lines of communication open and dig a little deeper to see what could be leading him down this path.

Helen Joyce has good advice about how to deal with this, non confrontational, gentle approach and questions, sorry for your challenges, autism makes more difficult I guess, sorry not a mum good luck.

Listen. Find good, open minded support for them that looked at and met all aspects of their needs. Avoid them being used by anyone with a strong agenda of their own. Basically try to keep all their options open and around them into adulthood.

We listen, we got her therapy, after a long search for the right therapist. We allow changes that aren't permanent, and we also tell her that she can't ever actually change sex because that's impossible.
It's a horrible path to have to go down and I wish you all the best.

In addition to the good advice above, I’d be working extra hard at the things he enjoys that are not online. So meals out, walks, events, cinema- anything positive that’s not about hanging out online.

Invest in any special interests that aren’t online. Build those connections in the real world.

But of course all while avoiding falling out with him by pushing too much!

I don't have direct experience of this but do have a son who is on the autistic spectrum. How do you normally discuss things with him? Try and treat it in the same way. For example if you usually look at things like (say) bullying as logical problems with practical solutions then try the same tack. The problem will be that he will be getting advice and affirmation from others and likely want to fit in with them and please them. Be there for him to listen and discuss and question things with. From my experience getting emotional is not helpful as my son then stops listening as he assumes that I am not being logical.

My autistic DD thinks she is trans. I've told her that it's not possible to change sex or be non binary, I refused to use a new name and pronouns, I explained it's something I can't do because it's based on a lie. I told her that gender is just personality, and that I love her as she is and she can wear what she wants, have her hair how she wants, and that I can't stop her friends calling her a nickname. I've said that binders and hormones damage your body and that so called puberty blockers are also damaging and I don't want her doing anything permanent to her body.
I know she still identifies as, but we don't talk about it often, she knows my views but I'm working on ensuring we have a good relationship and that she knows I love her as she is and that she doesn't need to change a thing to be the person she already is. I've also explained how autistic people like us usually feel we don't fit in and that's because of our brains, that she's likely to always feel like that and it's best to accept that and be resilient about it rather than try and do lots of things to fit in. That we can find out people without trying to change who we are. I talked about sexuality and how we can love men or women or both and that it's fine whichever way.

It's scary and I'm terrified of where this might lead. But I can only hold my truth and keep loving her. Boundaries are good, she knows where mine are and she knows I love her. I can do no more, but I do gently discourage her spending too much time with the friends that I know are very affirming of trans stuff.

I’m sorry OP, what a stressful situation. I think I’d ask lots of questions, about what they think and why, what is causing those feelings and why, what they think transitioning will achieve and why etc. Not as an interrogation but as showing an interest and being a non-judgmental person to just listen to DC’s thought process. I think I’d have to be clear that it’s impossible to actually change sex though, and encourage waiting and researching together to try and buy more time.

I had an eating disorder as a teenager. It was very much ‘the thing’ that distressed teenagers were doing then. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t real or serious, just that there seems to be a social aspect to how distress manifests. I feel that transitioning is the current socially contagious outlet for teenagers and young people struggling with other issues. Thankfully my anorexia wasn’t encouraged by professionals, enabled by family or considered socially cool. And didn’t lead to permanent changes to my body. What helped me was openness to listen to me, and gently challenge / probe my thought system and why I had the beliefs I had. And getting off the internet where people would encourage/ support dangerous activities.

Good luck OP, I hope you’re able to find the help you need for your DS.

I'm glad you are getting support and advice here OP. I'm sorry your son is experiencing this.

Anything you can do to help him accept reality and love himself as he is will benefit him. This insanity will end so just hang in there.

Some lovely replies. It's so hard that we have to protect our children from all this - the damage they might do to themselves can be catastrophic in terms of their future lives, fertility and relationships.

@Geiyotue nailed it with this comment:

"I'm working on ensuring we have a good relationship and that she knows I love her as she is and that she doesn't need to change a thing to be the person she already is".

I was very clear about the reality.
In his case. I pointed out the college were pretending because they were told to but Bob down the corner shop would not, and it was going to feel horrible going from one world to the other but that people would always be jumping mental hoops to try to remember how to address him without actually believing he was a woman.

In a way I was naive so my response was an instinctive one without too much thought. My knowledge of gender identity came from mermaids glossy adverts/articles and if my child had indicated younger than that I might have rushed to affirm him as a glittery rainbow child. This came out of the blue as a teenager and I could see the layers of experience that he'd recently had that might lead him to want to opt out of being male. I only knew about dysphoria back then and believed in a child born in the wrong body so knew that I'd have been alert to it if this has been my child.

I found the gender a wider lense podcast very helpful in forming my own thoughts further.

Since mine are in their fifties, I would be fairly surprised and would have to suspect they were having me on, or had developed autogynephilia
If they were serious… I would talk to them some more, talk to DILs, research some kind of psychosexual help and (in private) weep.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have spoken to my children about gender theory since they were about 7, and they know about sexist stereotypes and how you are your body and it can't change. We constantly discuss being gender critical and politics etc. So I would be surprised if they ever thought this. I only told them this as I didn't want anyone getting in there and messing with their heads. Does anyone know the proportion of autistic children saying they are trans? I work in education and see it a lot.

I listened, cried in private and hoped it would pass - it didn't, I love her and am scared for her but I am there always, it's her life not mine

Pretend to be sympathetic whilst secretly crossing my fingers that it’s a phase.

May have been recommended already, just skimmed over responses, 'when kids say they are trans' is a good book to start with, as well as the whole of their podcast Gender a wider lens. Sorry you are going through this.

I just wrote a long post on what I think I would do but I really don't know.

I only know that my children are more important to me than anything else.

I might do all sorts of things that I think I wouldn't.

I’m in this situation. I’ll come back to this thread when I can with some hopefully constructive thoughts, OP, but for now I’m too tired and my emotions could run away with me - IME it’s fucking awful, frustrating, rage-inducing, depressing, heartbreaking and sad in equal measure.

Whilst totally understanding that in this violent, fucked up, patriarchal, unfair world, where your teenaged peers judge and value ‘instagrammability’ and routinely strike pornified camgirl poses, and you’re harassed at every turn by boys who want ‘nudes’ and think choking and anal are vanilla, run-of-the-mill practices, you might see the appeal in being just about anything other than a heterosexual young woman.

Buckle up, though - it’s shit. Anything you say or do can tip the scales, so it’s simultaneously like walking through fire and on eggshells.

I was told it is very high - around 85% maybe more. There is a very very strong link but not many people seem to be talking about or dealing with it. Thank you for the support all. Some great replies. Unfortunately talking with him is difficult. He just shuts down. He has always struggled to articulate feelings and although he may be crying he will just answer every question with "I don't know" then get angry. I got him a counsellor but after 6 sessions he said it isn't for him and he felt like he was being interogated. She also said she would affirm so I'm secretly glad he doesn't want to see her anymore. I looked at Dr Az Hakeem in London as I am nearby but his fees are extortionate.

He is obvously struggling with who he is and he says he has hated his body since starting puberty and at the start of this year started questionning his gender. He know me and his Dad don't agree with what has been happening with transitioning in young people as we have talked about it a lot in the past. Another reason he doesn't feel he can talk to us I guess.

Having 2 children on the autistic spectrum means there have been a huge amount of difficulties in the last 20 years. I really thought things had settled down now they were older - I guess worrying about your kids never truly ends!

If your DC can only see what they consider to be the up sides of transitioning I'd be trying to provide them with a balanced view- talk about the long term negative physical effects of hormones or surgery, about how sad it would be to risk damaging themselves. At the same time I'd go out of my way to tell them how unique they are, how they don't need to be like everyone else, how you love them just as they are.

Sorry, meant to say I’m going through this with my DD not DS, obviously, and not sure if there’s any ND involved, but we think probably not.

I don't think anyone really knows until it happens. I muddle through. Make compromises. Try to limit the damage. Talk to DC about other things. Ask questions now and again. Avoid some topics altogether. I once mentioned Ritchie Herron and got told that he's just saying it for money.

My DC is older and lives independently, which in some ways makes it easier to accept that I can't influence this very much, in other ways it is hard.

It messes with my head quite a lot.

I have absolutely no idea what I would do, OP. Probably reassure him that I would love him no matter what and say that it's not possible to change sex but there is no right or wrong way to be a boy or express your personality. And hope for the best.

I really feel for you.

It’s really hard. My child is older (also ASD), and was 26 when she told me of her intention to transition six years ago. I grieved for a long time. I tried really hard to understand it but in the end I reached the conclusion that it’s out of my hands and I just have to accept that it’s her life, whether I agree with it or not. I couldn’t call her “she” for a long time, so I started with “they”. Tbh life is better since we’ve stopped locking horns over it.

Of course I still have concerns, mostly around the challenges she faces in the outside world from people whose life isn’t affected one jot by her decision to transition. It breaks my heart to see women, often other mothers having such hatred towards my precious child. But in fairness she is much happier now than she ever was before. Her life is fuller, she has a loving partner and though I still wish she could have been this happy without transitioning, it is what it is.

I shudder to think about the extent to which at least one of my children (ND, and hostile and aggressive until her mid-teens, when she suddenly transformed into a very civilised young adult) might have weaponised gender ideology had it been prevalent when she was at school. If there was an epidemic of girls LARPing as boys or affecting to be neither male nor female I'd probably have rolled with it, which would have been the wrong thing to do as she'd have felt the need to push my boundaries further and create as much disruption as possible. I can't envisage anything other than a complete stand-off.

Fortunately, she was born a decade too early and her experience of campaigning against campus rape when she was at university made her GC before I'd even heard of the term.