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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Revealed: the hidden crime of sibling sexual abuse - Sunday Times

58 replies

IwantToRetire · 18/03/2024 17:26

I am aware this article, even the title, may be upsetting for some, but hope you dont mind that I have posted to make others aware of the seriousness of this. Flowers

Siblings are responsible for more sexual abuse of children than any other family member; the studies indicate that a child is three to five times more likely to be abused by an older sibling than by a father or stepfather. Victims are usually younger than children abused by adults — typically five to seven years old — and abused for longer, on average for five years. The world’s largest study, conducted over two years by Rape Crisis, concluded in 2022 that up to 5 per cent of children in Britain have sexually abused a sibling.

SSA is very different from normal developmental curiosity, or what might be called “playing doctors and nurses”. Definitions vary, but a widely used one, by John Caffaro, an American psychology professor, is “sexual acts initiated by one sibling without the other’s consent, by use of force or coercion, or where there is a power differential between the siblings”. The majority of victims are girls, though the older sibling can sometimes be a sister. The abuse does not necessarily involve penetration, but the most common form of SSA recorded by the police in 2022 was rape.

Dynamics in the families where it occurs often include parental absence or lack of supervision, a family crisis such as parental illness, or parents asking their older child to babysit, oblivious to the risk. Poor sexual boundaries within the family, or exposure to pornography or domestic violence, increase the risk, reports the Lucy Faithfull Foundation, a charity that works to prevent child sexual abuse. Jealousy and resentment within step-families can also lead to SSA, and autism features disproportionately among siblings who sexually abuse. But it can and does occur in any kind of home. Most of the adult survivors interviewed for this piece told me if I had lived next door, I’d have thought theirs was a loving, happy family.

Public lack of awareness of something so common has several explanations. The average age at which a victim first discloses the abuse is 40 — and many never do. Fear of destroying their family silences children; so does fear of being disbelieved. When a child does disclose, parents often find it so unthinkable that they accuse their child of lying, or so unbearable that they — in the jargon — “minimise” and dismiss it as exaggeration.

NB this is a very long article with some distressing detail https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/revealed-the-hidden-crime-of-sibling-sexual-abuse-z05cf0l8r

I should have said it is written by Decca Aitkenhead. Can also be read at https://archive.ph/RjuYi

Revealed: the hidden crime of sibling sexual abuse

The family member most likely to sexually abuse a child in Britain is their brother or sister. Decca Aitkenhead meets the survivors speaking out after decades of silence. Contains graphic descriptions

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/revealed-the-hidden-crime-of-sibling-sexual-abuse-z05cf0l8r

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0hno · 19/05/2024 05:58

I was abused by my friends brother. More recently I have become convinced that he was also abusing her. I still see her a couple of times a year but I don't think I could ever bring it up

MrsGlennBulb · 19/05/2024 07:35

TicklishLemur · 19/05/2024 05:36

Oh wow this really hit quite close. I was raped by my older brother from the age of about 4. He was 15 when it started and early 20s when it ended. I still remember the agony and terror of the first time, and then being thrown into the bath as pain seared through me and blood gushed from between my legs.

I told my mother shortly afterwards and she said I was a terrible, wicked girl to say something so dirty and smacked me. It continued until I became pregnant at the age of 11. By the time it was discovered it was too late to have a termination and I gave birth 2 days after my 12th birthday. The labour and delivery were very scary and traumatic. The baby was taken and I never saw her again.

I didn’t feel I could tell anyone at the time after my mother’s reaction when I was younger. I left home at 16 but I was haunted by my experiences. Meeting my wonderful wife, experiencing loving sex and intimacy, and carrying and delivering our three beautiful children all helped to heal my soul. I still think about my oldest child every day though, and wonder how her life has been.

Flowers
NoMemories · 19/05/2024 11:41

I’ve got to my late 50s trying hard not to think too hard about sketchy memories of school summer holidays spent with my older brother while my parents worked. Definitely shouldn’t have left a 13 year old boy to ‘care’ for a 5 year old girl. Rough play, tying up, forced feeding of foods I didn’t like - I mentioned it to a friend once in my early 20s and they went ‘ewwww that sounds dodgy’ and I slammed the door shut on thinking too carefully about it just in case I stumbled across a memory that was too awful.

I have had issues with intimacy all my life but have managed to raise a family and I get on with my remaining family including my brother. We all gave a great sense of humour and are always joking at get-togethers - sometimes I fear we’re all just hiding something. I’m not going there but this article has given me the biggest knot in my stomach and I’m in the garden fighting back tears because I fear there’s something locked away inside of me. Awful but very important article and I thank The Times for printing it.

NoMemories · 19/05/2024 11:46

TicklishLemur · 19/05/2024 05:36

Oh wow this really hit quite close. I was raped by my older brother from the age of about 4. He was 15 when it started and early 20s when it ended. I still remember the agony and terror of the first time, and then being thrown into the bath as pain seared through me and blood gushed from between my legs.

I told my mother shortly afterwards and she said I was a terrible, wicked girl to say something so dirty and smacked me. It continued until I became pregnant at the age of 11. By the time it was discovered it was too late to have a termination and I gave birth 2 days after my 12th birthday. The labour and delivery were very scary and traumatic. The baby was taken and I never saw her again.

I didn’t feel I could tell anyone at the time after my mother’s reaction when I was younger. I left home at 16 but I was haunted by my experiences. Meeting my wonderful wife, experiencing loving sex and intimacy, and carrying and delivering our three beautiful children all helped to heal my soul. I still think about my oldest child every day though, and wonder how her life has been.

Ticklish my heart goes out to you. That you found love and healing is wonderful but I feel for your childhood years. Thank you for sharing your experience - I don’t know what else to say but good luck and enjoy the beautiful life you’ve created.

TicklishLemur · 19/05/2024 12:08

NoMemories · 19/05/2024 11:46

Ticklish my heart goes out to you. That you found love and healing is wonderful but I feel for your childhood years. Thank you for sharing your experience - I don’t know what else to say but good luck and enjoy the beautiful life you’ve created.

Thank you for your support. I worried whether I was too graphic here but I’ve spent so much of my life hiding it and at nearly 60 I think it’s time I stopped.

My wife knows all the details and my children know that I had a difficult childhood and I am estranged from my family, but I haven’t told them any of the specifics. I have a wonderful life now, my wife and I couldn’t be closer. She knows and loves me in my entirety and I her.

I’m very proud of our wonderful daughters and son, but I can’t deny it still pains me not to know my oldest child. I hope she is happy and successful not matter where she is or who she became.

FallinUltra · 19/05/2024 12:26

@TempestTost raised a really significant point:

”And then we tend as a society to shy away from associating sexual desire with shame, which is frankly a very powerful tool in shaping behaviour.”

The direction of travel in society has definitely been “sex positive” in a way that has not been as carefully considered as it should be. Combine that with the fact that no one wants to think that a brother would do anything sexual to a sister, at in the ubiquity of porn and the general idea in society that all things sexual are good, we really have created a monster.

This is not the only area of sexualisation of society where shaming as preventative would be helpful.

I think there is one hell of a conversation that needs to be had around the use of the concept of shame: how do we do it, what are the pitfalls, how do we avoid them etc.

0hno · 19/05/2024 12:28

One of the most popular searches is for stepsister or step mum on porn sites. I find that very disturbing

IwantToRetire · 19/05/2024 20:11

LilyBartsHatShop · 19/05/2024 04:46

@IwantToRetire I know that in Australia rape crisis services are able to support people without having to report to police any crime the service user talks about in counselling. It's completely up to the survivor if they want to pursue a criminal or civil case or not.
I hope someone can clarify the situation in the UK because it's important for anyone who has survived sexual violence to know.
@ChateauMargaux that is just heart-breaking.

The point of my response is that the post was about wanting the "authorities" to do something.

Rape Crisis Centres in the UK provide a range of services, some are small local groups providing telephone helplines etc., some have a range of services including helping women going throught the court process.

In additions there are services called SARCS.

A victim of rape can go to one of these centres (run by the NHS) and get medical attention and provide forensic evidence of rape. And they do NOT make you report to the police, but will pass on evidence.

This means that it can be that the police will then know that for instance a serial rapist is in their area because they have physical evidence via the SARCS.

But if you are a rape victim and want the "authorities" to take action, as I said up thread the only authorities are the police.

Although if it were currently a child facing sexual abuse in a family it could be reported to social services. I dont know if they are obliged to report to police.

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