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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Revealed: the hidden crime of sibling sexual abuse - Sunday Times

58 replies

IwantToRetire · 18/03/2024 17:26

I am aware this article, even the title, may be upsetting for some, but hope you dont mind that I have posted to make others aware of the seriousness of this. Flowers

Siblings are responsible for more sexual abuse of children than any other family member; the studies indicate that a child is three to five times more likely to be abused by an older sibling than by a father or stepfather. Victims are usually younger than children abused by adults — typically five to seven years old — and abused for longer, on average for five years. The world’s largest study, conducted over two years by Rape Crisis, concluded in 2022 that up to 5 per cent of children in Britain have sexually abused a sibling.

SSA is very different from normal developmental curiosity, or what might be called “playing doctors and nurses”. Definitions vary, but a widely used one, by John Caffaro, an American psychology professor, is “sexual acts initiated by one sibling without the other’s consent, by use of force or coercion, or where there is a power differential between the siblings”. The majority of victims are girls, though the older sibling can sometimes be a sister. The abuse does not necessarily involve penetration, but the most common form of SSA recorded by the police in 2022 was rape.

Dynamics in the families where it occurs often include parental absence or lack of supervision, a family crisis such as parental illness, or parents asking their older child to babysit, oblivious to the risk. Poor sexual boundaries within the family, or exposure to pornography or domestic violence, increase the risk, reports the Lucy Faithfull Foundation, a charity that works to prevent child sexual abuse. Jealousy and resentment within step-families can also lead to SSA, and autism features disproportionately among siblings who sexually abuse. But it can and does occur in any kind of home. Most of the adult survivors interviewed for this piece told me if I had lived next door, I’d have thought theirs was a loving, happy family.

Public lack of awareness of something so common has several explanations. The average age at which a victim first discloses the abuse is 40 — and many never do. Fear of destroying their family silences children; so does fear of being disbelieved. When a child does disclose, parents often find it so unthinkable that they accuse their child of lying, or so unbearable that they — in the jargon — “minimise” and dismiss it as exaggeration.

NB this is a very long article with some distressing detail https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/revealed-the-hidden-crime-of-sibling-sexual-abuse-z05cf0l8r

I should have said it is written by Decca Aitkenhead. Can also be read at https://archive.ph/RjuYi

Revealed: the hidden crime of sibling sexual abuse

The family member most likely to sexually abuse a child in Britain is their brother or sister. Decca Aitkenhead meets the survivors speaking out after decades of silence. Contains graphic descriptions

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/revealed-the-hidden-crime-of-sibling-sexual-abuse-z05cf0l8r

OP posts:
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IwantToRetire · 19/03/2024 17:28

social services suggested they remove the younger sister 'as the family weren't keeping her safe', rather than the older brother who had done it

This attitude is just staggering. Even if in the past somehow boys shouldn't have their futures impacted by "bad behaviour" so the sister as the female should give up her right to be supported, and her family home, you would like to think this wouldn't happen now.

But as I said upthread, results from those doing survies of juries in rape trials, many didn't want to convict a man as it would "spoil" his future and somehow the trauma of the rape victim didn't see important. And it was just as likely to be female jurists as men saying this.

Is it any wonder young men grow up thinking that their behaviour isn't that bad because not just familes but society indicates they will not be criticised or punished.

OP posts:
WelcomeMarch · 19/03/2024 18:28

It was about ten years back. In the event, IwantToRetire, the sister stayed with the family and the boy was supported elsewhere for some years, I think in part because there was another little sibling to be considered at home. But the initial response of 'They can't help me with Sam's behaviour but they're going to take Sarah away!' has stuck with me.

[edited because I forgot about the crossing out effect]

itmakesmyheart · 19/03/2024 18:34

Been through this myself.

Spoke up in adulthood.

Got ejected from the family.

They bought my brother a house (seriously).

I did my master's dissertation on this.

IwantToRetire · 19/03/2024 20:23

@itmakesmyheart

So sorry that it happened and really upsetting to know your family didn't support your.

But great that you went on to do a Masters!

Hope life for your is better know.

OP posts:
itmakesmyheart · 19/03/2024 21:51

IwantToRetire · 19/03/2024 20:23

@itmakesmyheart

So sorry that it happened and really upsetting to know your family didn't support your.

But great that you went on to do a Masters!

Hope life for your is better know.

Thanks, it's not all beer and skittles to be fair.

Recently separated and really feeling the effects of having no family.

Speaking up felt like the right thing at the time, but I'm not sure it was. No one wanted to hear it.

Cost me everything, really.

No wonder victims don't speak out.

Pallisers · 19/03/2024 21:59

I have two close friends (not known to each other) who had this happen to them. It really affected them.

I never even disclosed as the campaign of ‘LaLoba is over sensitive and unstable’ had been going on my whole life and I knew how it would go.

@LaLoba This really struck me. I could never understand how my dear friend was treated like a ditsy over-sensitive silly woman by her family - she is the most professionally and academically successful of all of them - but then I realised that someone or someones had made damn sure there was a narrative that she was unreliable and dramatic so when she ever told the truth, she wouldn't be believed.

LaLoba · 19/03/2024 22:18

@Pallisers Thank you, it means a lot when people can see this.

The biggest source of strength for me to break away and make a life for myself was the realisation that friends, and my husband (who sees me at my weakest, which I would never let family see) know me as someone entirely different, and the first thing that comes to mind when they describe me is strong, resilient.

My family knew what my brother was. Every occasion like weddings, christenings, they would watch him like a hawk when he was anywhere near young women and girls, making sure to intervene. They had to undermine my credibility to make sure I never spoke.
In the end, I told only one brother, the one I knew would accept it for what it was, and my husband. I’m pretty sure long term friends have, like you, worked it out, and there is a lot comfort and validation in that.

ButterflyKu · 19/03/2024 22:53

parents need to know that the family member most likely to sexually abuse their child is another of their children.

This is what scares me as a parent. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of CSA that’s happened in my family. I wasn’t abused by a sibling but I was abused by a cousin of the same age as me - or maybe we both abused one another, I’m not quite sure.

My children are very close in age and I’m scared that one of them may do something horrible to the other. I think the article was really well written especially towards the end where there was advice on how parents can stay vigilant. Sorry to those that have experienced these awful situations💐

IwantToRetire · 20/03/2024 00:34

I looked to see whether there is support for children experiencing sexual abuse by a family member, and what is strange is there seems to be more support lines for families who have recognised abuse has taken place.

I thought Childline offered a service but their home page they focus on other issues: are your feeling sad; are you worried about Gaza; and a dubious section are you worrying about gender identity. You would think that would want to make it clear to children that they are able to ring and talk sexual abuse. Sad

These are the links to the 3 that seemed to focus on children themselves:
https://napac.org.uk/
https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/have-you-been-abused/
https://oneinfour.org.uk/
Have no way of knowing how good or bad they are.

Not posting so much for anyone on this thread, but just in case as FWR post titles are well indexed by google, someone reads this thread and might want to talk to someone.

Flowers

Have you been abused? - Stop It Now

Read our list of useful organisations to go and get help if you have been abused as a child or want to report historical sexual abuse.

https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/have-you-been-abused

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 20/03/2024 08:13

Slight aside but on topic.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-13214259/DNA-tests-like-23AndMe-Ancestry-laying-bare-frightening-extent-incest-including-woman-discovers-ex-lover-BROTHER.html
DNA tests like 23AndMe and Ancestry are laying bare the frightening extent of incest in the US - including woman who discovers her ex-lover was her BROTHER

The prevalence of incest in the US is far more common than previously thought, with research including common genealogy tests putting the rate at one in 7,000.

Dr Jim Wilson, from the University of Edinburgh who conducted that research, said: 'That’s way, way more than I think many people would ever imagine.’

It’s a far cry from one 1975 estimate in a psychiatric textbook, putting the rate at about one in a million.

I suspect the data for the UK is unlikely to be hugely different. That 5% quoted in the Times article sounds reasonable in this context.

The article talks about how people are doing DNA tests and finding out really awful things about their family and how their mother was abused by a close family member.

Long Lost Family definitely hasn't addressed this in its tear jerking TV. And I suspect it is encouraging people to test to find out about who their parents are only to find out stuff like this without any support.

I personally think there should be more awareness on the whole subject for this reason too. There's stopping abuse now and considering the impact on both victims and children born from it.

A three family members have done DNA tests in the last few months. Two have matches who they 'shouldn't' have. Not incest but it's come as something of a shock no the less. I can't imagine finding something like this out. There needs to be a lot more support available.

DNA tests are uncovering the true prevalence of incest

The prevalence of incest in the US is far more common than previously thought, with research including common genealogy tests putting the rate at one in 7,000.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-13214259/DNA-tests-like-23AndMe-Ancestry-laying-bare-frightening-extent-incest-including-woman-discovers-ex-lover-BROTHER.html

WelcomeMarch · 20/03/2024 11:36

The 'woman who discovers her ex-lover was her BROTHER' appears to have been a case of accidental incest between two people who had no idea they were related.

Sdpbody · 20/03/2024 12:17

My poor DM was SA by her elder brother for 5 years until one day he stopped. She was late 30s when she finally disclosed it. Nobody believed her expect my dad.

I'm so sure I was SA as looking back I showed many signs but my brain won't let me remember.

Britinme · 20/03/2024 12:24

I certainly showed signs - I started wetting the bed and wetting my pants, and there may have been other things too but I don't remember. My mum took me to what was then child guidance and I remember playing with dolls and puppets there, but I never disclosed to anyone what was happening, and it was put down to the fact that the previous year we'd returned to the UK from where I was born. When we were abroad my brother was at boarding school, so this didn't happen until I was five.

NotChildsPlay · 18/05/2024 17:21

Thank you for posting this article and bringing the fact of sibling sexual abuse into the conversation. We are working on preventing and healing from SSA. Check out www.notchildsplaybook.com -- This is a website with resources and information as well as a way to see the anthology (35 women survivors, 56 first-hand stories, poems, and visual art plus preface, introductions, etc.) Not Child's Play: An Anthology on Brother-Sister Incest (2nd Edition).

Not Child's Play - Healing From and Ending Sibling Sexual Abuse

Not Child’s Play shatters the silence around the pervasive reality of sibling sexual abuse. The powerful voices of 35 survivors whose brothers sexually assaulted them, often over years, reveals the trauma and destruction produced by this most hidden of...

http://www.notchildsplaybook.com

zebrazoop · 18/05/2024 17:42

This happened to me. I didn’t disclose until adulthood .

redalex261 · 18/05/2024 18:13

Just read the Times article. Couldn’t access the Atlantic one sadly. Really quite startling, but actually unsurprising when you think about it. The level of internal conflict felt by those who had “good” family relationships shows how complex this issue is - reporting the abuse at the time clearly destabilises and blows up their life in a different way than abuse from a more “distant” perpetrator. There obviously needs to be a different approach to dealing with this than other SA.

I noted research indicated accessing porn seemed to be a factor with some of the perpetrators - the prevalence of internet porn access for kids makes this an issue needing an urgent public airing no matter how distasteful. Is this behaviour becoming more or less common?
What do parents do? Expand the “what’s under your pants is private” chat to include “everyone, even brothers and sisters”. I must admit, I wouldn’t have thought of adding that bit back in the day.

Hats off to those who have experienced this horror and had the bravery to raise awareness. I hope all who suffer this hidden form of abuse are able to heal and have happy lives.

IwantToRetire · 18/05/2024 19:35

NotChildsPlay · 18/05/2024 17:21

Thank you for posting this article and bringing the fact of sibling sexual abuse into the conversation. We are working on preventing and healing from SSA. Check out www.notchildsplaybook.com -- This is a website with resources and information as well as a way to see the anthology (35 women survivors, 56 first-hand stories, poems, and visual art plus preface, introductions, etc.) Not Child's Play: An Anthology on Brother-Sister Incest (2nd Edition).

Is this a US based group. Just checking as the web site is a .com

But thanks for the info.

OP posts:
NotChildsPlay · 18/05/2024 19:44

IwantToRetire · 18/05/2024 19:35

Is this a US based group. Just checking as the web site is a .com

But thanks for the info.

Yes, it is a US based group.

IwantToRetire · 18/05/2024 20:07

Yes, it is a US based group.

Despite the article saying there has been increased discussion about this, it is hard to find resources in the UK. And even though Rape Crisis (E&W) took part in a 2 year project, nothing comes up if you search their web site. Confused

But there is this page of links https://www.sarsas.org.uk/sibling-sexual-abuse-information-and-resources/organisations-that-can-help/

Organisations that can help | SARSAS

We have collated a list of organisations with expertise in sibling sexual abuse. Many of these provide support services for children, young people and families.

https://www.sarsas.org.uk/sibling-sexual-abuse-information-and-resources/organisations-that-can-help

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ChateauMargaux · 18/05/2024 21:43

My mother was raped twice by her brother.. it destroyed her life. She repeatedly told people in authority and as recently as 5 years ago, she was told that if she really meant this, 'they' (being rape crises support) told her that they would have to report it to the police, there would be an investigation and they would knock on his door and did she really want that?

She is in her 70's and she is still being silenced.

Scotcheggz · 18/05/2024 22:57

I wish this was more well known. It would have made a difference to my life.
”Siblings are responsible for more sexual abuse of children than any other family member; the studies indicate that a child is three to five times more likely to be abused by an older sibling than by a father or stepfather. Victims are usually younger than children abused by adults — typically five to seven years old — and abused for longer, on average for five years. The world’s largest study, conducted over two years by Rape Crisis, concluded in 2022 that up to 5 per cent of children in Britain have sexually abused a sibling.

SSA is very different from normal developmental curiosity, or what might be called “playing doctors and nurses”. Definitions vary, but a widely used one, by John Caffaro, an American psychology professor, is “sexual acts initiated by one sibling without the other’s consent, by use of force or coercion, or where there is a power differential between the siblings”. The majority of victims are girls, though the older sibling can sometimes be a sister. The abuse does not necessarily involve penetration, but the most common form of SSA recorded by the police in 2022 was rape.

Dynamics in the families where it occurs often include parental absence or lack of supervision, a family crisis such as parental illness, or parents asking their older child to babysit, oblivious to the risk. Poor sexual boundaries within the family, or exposure to pornography or domestic violence, increase the risk, reports the Lucy Faithfull Foundation, a charity that works to prevent child sexual abuse. Jealousy and resentment within step-families can also lead to SSA, and autism features disproportionately among siblings who sexually abuse.”

keffie12 · 18/05/2024 23:06

I wasn't abused by a sibling. I was abused by a cousin, though just a bit year older than me.

I tried to speak out when I was pregnant with my 3rd at 28.

My mom walked away saying, "Why didn't you tell us at the time?"

I clammed back up. It came tumbling out in a breakdown in 1995/6. This time, my mom listened.

I had other childhood trauma, too, with violence and secrets in the family

IwantToRetire · 18/05/2024 23:52

ChateauMargaux · 18/05/2024 21:43

My mother was raped twice by her brother.. it destroyed her life. She repeatedly told people in authority and as recently as 5 years ago, she was told that if she really meant this, 'they' (being rape crises support) told her that they would have to report it to the police, there would be an investigation and they would knock on his door and did she really want that?

She is in her 70's and she is still being silenced.

I think that what Rape Crisis told your mother is true, and they had a duty to warn her.

However if the way in which they told her made her think she couldn't go through with it, then that is bad.

But if she wants those in "authority" to take action now, who else could she go to but the police. It would be different if she was still young and at home with her brother. Then social services could be contacted.

I am not underestimating how terrible this has been for your mother, but had she imagined there is some other avenue she could have gone down other than the police. Has she said to you what it is she wants to happen.

If it would help her and you felt able, you could go with her to the police. Although assuming the local rape crisi centre has the staff it might be helpful to have someone who understands the system.

As so many have found out it is a long a difficult process.

Hope something can be made to work for her.

OP posts:
LilyBartsHatShop · 19/05/2024 04:46

@IwantToRetire I know that in Australia rape crisis services are able to support people without having to report to police any crime the service user talks about in counselling. It's completely up to the survivor if they want to pursue a criminal or civil case or not.
I hope someone can clarify the situation in the UK because it's important for anyone who has survived sexual violence to know.
@ChateauMargaux that is just heart-breaking.

TicklishLemur · 19/05/2024 05:36

Oh wow this really hit quite close. I was raped by my older brother from the age of about 4. He was 15 when it started and early 20s when it ended. I still remember the agony and terror of the first time, and then being thrown into the bath as pain seared through me and blood gushed from between my legs.

I told my mother shortly afterwards and she said I was a terrible, wicked girl to say something so dirty and smacked me. It continued until I became pregnant at the age of 11. By the time it was discovered it was too late to have a termination and I gave birth 2 days after my 12th birthday. The labour and delivery were very scary and traumatic. The baby was taken and I never saw her again.

I didn’t feel I could tell anyone at the time after my mother’s reaction when I was younger. I left home at 16 but I was haunted by my experiences. Meeting my wonderful wife, experiencing loving sex and intimacy, and carrying and delivering our three beautiful children all helped to heal my soul. I still think about my oldest child every day though, and wonder how her life has been.

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