Not allowed to have GC views at home by so-called “DH “ - so left ! Hand hold please ….

[HowdidImanagetohavetwoaccountaandthenloseboth]

We had a row today so right now I am lying in bed in a nearby hotel having left .

Background
We have an adult autistic daughter who lives with us gradually being indoctrinated online by trans views . She changed her name several years ago outside the home . She has become increasingly pro trans ideas, To be honest I am terrified she will start purchasing hormones online to attempt to create a pre pubescent self to compliment her desire to be pan sexual .

DH is very conflict adverse . He wants to stifle any of my GC views for fear of upsetting DD . With the result of course that all she is exposed to is the clap trap she accesses online.
He himself appears to be GC or at least occasionally agrees with me so seems so . He’s a live and key live sort of character.

That would be fine if we weren’t experiencing the effects of it. I hate the way it is affecting our lives and sometimes I can’t help exclaiming at something which riles me like today , when I saw one of his works instructions regarding email signatures . Very trans as you might gather.

So I exclaimed something and was immediately silenced . He says it’s affecting his mental health .

I couldn’t stand it any longer , not being allowed to say anything , being stifled , any views I have pushed to the side lest they upset someone .

I caught the train and here I am . Brought enough medication for 24 hours . I have sent him an email after I got here setting out why I was upset but haven’t had a reply .

I just wanted to comment with some support. I've got no practical advice but sending some strength your way xx

Ditto.

When you're ready I would approach him from the angle of you both wanting the best for DD and trying to agree a strategy you can both live with going forward. There should be room for differing, even opposing, views in a healthy relationship, it's all about how you communicate. That said I agree that his 'path of least resistance' stance is dangerous and I would definitely be opening his eyes to the possible outcomes, he needs to know exactly what horrors you're trying to protect DD from.

It could be that he is scared that expressing GC views will push your daughter further away. Which is understandable though I agree with you that leaves her with only the dangerous side of the argument.

What's more concerning than him having a different view is that he seems to have assigned himself as having the casting vote or veto, and that you don't seem to have enough of a voice in your relationship to be able to discuss it as equals and hear each others point of view.

You’re not on your own or going mad there are a lot of other parents out there https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/ really helped and supported me with resources and others to talk to. It’s free and worth joining

Reading the "Time to Think" book (well I listened to the audiobook) about the history of the Tavistock was very compelling. If he'd be open to reading something on the subject.

I think it really demolishes the idea that even if we were mortals can't understand GI then at least the "experts" know how to tell if someone is really "trans" or not, and that there is some sort of safeguarding.

I’m sorry this is happening, OP. Transgender Trend (there is a website) also has some excellent resources and ways to negotiate this very difficult situation.

Not much sleep last night.

I believe my daughter is seeking or may seek testosterone “therapy” legally or illegally in order to disrupt or remove her menstrual cycle .

she had also been taking risky behaviours . A few weeks ago she was planning to stay overnight with a male person having just met him on Tinder . My husband did, after my intervention support me on that occasion , and we persuaded her to meet him instead for a couple of hours for a meal . She didn’t meet up again with him. At the time though I felt compelled to lock all the doors to our house and remove all the keys to prevent her from leaving . It was the only thing I could think of at the time .

How old is she?

Please don't lock the doors, no matter how much you want to protect her. I can tell you from personal experience that doing so will make it worse. My teenage child had a meltdown, I was scared for them if they left the house, so I locked the door and sat in front of it. Just made them angrier.

I note you said adult daughter. There is really nothing you can do now about her choices. Maybe your husband realises this too and is just taking a more neutral stance. I’m not sure how bombarding him with detransitioning stuff as has been suggested will help. If she is over 18, she can make her own choices.

She is late twenties

How old is your daughter, and what are the typical manifestations and traits of her autism?

She may be an adult but as an autistic person with a childlike mind sometimes, she is vulnerable .

I have sympathy with your situation. I have an adult son - 30 years old, who is still at home, who has Asperger's. Like you suggest of your daughter, he is naive and vulnerable in certain ways - though is also adult enough now to make his own decisions.

During the lockdown he developed mental health issues and it ended with him giving up his job in acrimonious circumstances.. He has also taken against me, and has barely spoken to me for three years; ignores Mother's Day; my birthday.......has savings but no longer contributes towards household expenses.

Also, as with you my husband takes a non confrontational approach ( he also has asperger's) and rarely recognises how difficult the whole sistuation is for me. He just carries on a 'normal' relationship with our son ( We also have two other, older adult children who have long left home). I feel I have to aborb all of this on my own and just deal with it on the basis that I have greater emotional resillience than my son, and on the basis that I don't want to contribute to a relapse in his mental health ( he has felt suicidal before).

Finally though this year we have seen some improvement and he is going off to live on an eco community in Italy for three months, before studying for a degree in Wiildlife Conservation in another part of the country, in September.

It has taken him a lot longer to grow up and sever the umbilical cord than my other children, and I think his treatment of me is connected to his struggle to do that. It has also been very difficult for me to watch him make his own mistakes, and find his own way.

I found myself in a similar position, but with Social Services. I had a very long night during which I decided that I had to be true to myself, and not agree with actions I thought were harmful, or cheerlead on the nonsense. Somehow, all the tension went out of me, I didn't then feel I had to persuade anyone . I tried to do active listening with the teen in question, so when they said they were upset by transphobia, I’d ask them to tell me what exactly had happened, when they said they were the other gender, I’d ask what they meant. If their answers were nonsense, I’d try to hide my incredulity, but I do have a speaking face.Truly, once I stopped arguing, but responded honestly to them, I think they could hear how ridiculous and irrational it all was. As your daughter has another parent , once the tension goes out of your responses, she may prefer to seek validation from him. Once he is the person having plans for dangerous hormones or mastectomies shared, he may come to his own awakening.

I can see his point to be honest and I say that as a GC person. He’s probably worried about driving her away. She’s in her late 20s, regardless of her autism if she has capacity you can’t be locking her in the house and I’d be careful of what you say/how you say it to avoid alienating her.

im sorry. It’s shit and I’m sure you’re worried

Are you and your DH your daughter's carers or does she just live with you?
If she just lives with you then surely it's her choice as an adult what she does (however inappropriate you perceive it to be).

Here is one of many similar descriptions about the effects of testosterone on female bodies

I don’t know if this is of use, but I found it helpful in explaining to friends, as she is very articulate and I get tongue tied and confused.

My DD (15, newly diagnosed) and DH are autistic. DD hasn't shown any behaviour questioning her GI but she's very unhappy in her life a the moment. I'm shitting myself that if she reaches out for help she might inadvertently find resources that convince her it's all to do with the fact that she's a girl. I want her to be able to find support online but it's so frightening (the complete opposite of what it should be).

I'm very GC and can't really voice it at home as DH can't bear the conversation. His opinion is that I'm right (you can't change sex, men shouldn't be in women's sports etc), but that we have enough struggles at home already without me banging on about something that doesn't affect us. He can't see the insidious side of it (TRA/Stonewall capturing organisations) so doesn't see it as a threat. I think it's hugely to do with the way his autistic brain operates.

I feel for you at the moment, I don't have much advice but like a PP's suggestion about a rational conversation (how taking hormones/having surgery would actually help) with both of them is possibly the way to go. Wishing you luck and sending love xxxxx

Surely you mean would NOT help

How are you this morning, OP?

Surely you mean would NOT help

I took her to mean that the conversation would include your daughter clearly talking about how she feels these interventions would help.

it's probably important that she feels you have listened to her, but also, it's the only way she is likely to begin to see if there are inadequacies in her thinking.

Sometimes, rather than convincing the other person, it's a better approach to help them think things through themselves.

Oh God yes I meant would not help!!!! Sorry.